It is time to discuss my secret shame.
Are you ready?
No, really, are you sure?
OK FINE. You ASKED for it, though. Because seriously, IT IS EMBARRASSING.
I really like the new 90210.
I know. I KNOW. SHUT UP ALREADY. I’m well-aware you purists are all “There is NOTHING that is as good as the original Beverly Hills 90210, NOTHINGGGGGG” and blah, blah, blah. FINE. I GET IT.
Here’s the thing. I KNOW IT’S NOT GOOD. But I can’t look away. I just can’t.
And this week, I just totally went over the edge of crazy and ACTUALLY GOT EXCITED ABOUT ONE OF THE PLOTLINES.
Listen, I said it was my secret shame, so just stop MOCKING SO LOUDLY. I can HEAR you, you know. Fine, not with my ears. BUT WITH MY SOUL.
Now, before we get started, please note that I am currently 8 months behind on about 80% of the shows I watch. There are a few shows I’m up-to-date on, but not many. 90210 is not one of the shows I watch when it first runs. I’m nuts, but I’m not certifiable.
So I’m currently watching episodes from February. DON’T EVEN THINK OF SPOILING ME OR I WILL CUT YOU.
The episode I watched this weekend had Naomi – who I think is just a totally strange looking human being, like, I think she has feline DNA or something, right? I mean, look. LOOK. There is something otherworldly and alien about this actress:
Also, do you think she was aware when she put this dress on that it looks like paper-mache ogre hands are grabbing her tits? Because it does. It’s kind of an odd fashion statement, no? And I think I kind of might see nip.
ANYWAY. So Naomi is a rich Beverly Hills biz-nitch (are the kids saying this? Probably they are. You know how I totally have my fingers on the pulse of the youth of America) who dates all rich and pretty and stupid people and such and once was in a cult and you know, things that rich people do. Shopping. There’s a lot of shopping. And tanning. And being generally useless. But in the episodes I’m currently watching FROM EIGHT MONTHS AGO SHUT UP, she is falling in love with this guy:
HE IS A NEEEERRRRRDDDDDD yo. You can tell by the glasses.
It is kind of the cutest storyline ever acted by people who are wooden. Well, she is. He’s kind of adorable in a nerdy twinkly nasally way. In order to win him over she dressed up like one of the Na’vi from Avatar and then they had a really kind of hot kiss for a show about jailbait.
I embarrassingly actually might have cheered a little when they finally realized they liked each other and made out in the parking lot. I CHEERED. About 90210. THIS IS EMBARRASSING. Once I’d cheered, I actually had a little talk with myself. “Self!” I said. “You’re cheering about 90210. This is going to wreak havoc with your street cred, seriously. Like, you might get stoned in the street, so wrecked will be your cred.” “What?” myself replied. “I don’t even smoke weed anymore, you know that. Why would I start again in the street? That seems like a good way to get arrested.” “UGH, you are INFURIATING, like BIBLICALLY stoned, you heathen,” I replied. “Oh, yeah. Sure. Whatever. That was seriously adorbs. Shut your cakehole, hater of all things joyous.”
The people in this show CAN. NOT. ACT. Especially the lead chick. Seriously, it is like watching community theater performed by someone who has never spoken English, watching this girl act. SO SO PAINFUL. At one point, they had her as the lead in Spring Awakening (because the character thinks she’s going to be an actress someday…yeah, ok, and I’m going to be the next head of the CIA, IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN), and I COULD HAVE DIED because it is one of my favorite musicals and it was just the worst. WORST. Why? WHY 90210 WHY. Yet I keep watching it and I keep watching it. I used to think it was for Liam? Because look, he is PRETTY.
And his shirt falls off a lot. Which is nice. I think whoever writes this garbage was a little inspired the day they decided to make Matt Lanter a surf team member. Yowza.
But I realized that now I have a new purpose in my weird obsession with 90210.
I TOTALLY HAVE A CRUSH ON THE NERD. (Who, by the way, I found out through researching this post, is apparently STILL ON THE SHOW THIS SEASON. I spoiled MYSELF in searching for photos of him. All for you! All for you, Damien! Also, awesome, the nerd stays in the picture!)
Shut up, I researched it, he’s in his mid-twenties, it’s not at all creepy.
EXCEPT WAIT! It IS creepy.
Because I was all, hey! This kid looks totally familiar WHY DO I KNOW HIM. (By the way, this is totally my superpower. I can see someone who had a 5-second guest spot TEN YEARS AGO in something and know I know him from somewhere. I don’t always know from where – Google helps out a lot there – but I’m like the Rainman of character actors.) And TA-DAH TA-DAH he is the weirdo pathetic loser killer kid from Desperate Housewives with bad hair. SEE SEE SEE:
This goes to show you that if you put glasses on someone, I immediately find them MORE attractive, which is the OPPOSITE of all of those movies where the nerd is made more attractive by taking the glasses OFF.
Superman? I always found him more attractive as Clark Kent.
And we all agree (we do, right? WE TOTALLY DO) that this man is just about the hottest:
…but I always liked him like this the best.
I’m with this chick when he has the glasses on.
So let’s recap. I’m apparently broken, because I don’t want the post-makeover guy, I want the myopic, pre-makeover guy. And, as I’ve mentioned recently, I want someone with a big old beard. Also, I want a nerd who gets jazzed about deeply uncool things. And, my father reminded me tonight, someone who is handy about making and fixing things, able to keep to a schedule, understands the importance of tradition, and is good with animals. SO! My first Google search led me here, which is mega-nice and hipster-riffic, but those seem like boys, and I really think at this point I might need a man. So, a more focused Google search informs me, based on my criteria, this is my dream man.
Holy crap, sorry, no, I just can’t. TOO DEEPLY DISTURBING. Cat lady for life. Gah. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT SANTA.