As stated repeatedly in the past to the point where your ears are probably BLEEDING, I am a huge musical theater nerd. And television nerd. And childhood bullying subject/survivor.
So, when Glee came out in 2009, it’s a pretty good bet I was as excited as anyone ever was about anything. Well, probably not as excited as ACTUAL Glee Club kids in ACTUAL high schools, because I’m old and probably not so much in the target demographic, but pretty damn excited, is what I’m saying.
Season One of Glee was one of the most solid seasons of television I’ve ever watched. It was – and remains, no matter what happens – one of my favorite seasons of anything that’s ever aired. I cried almost every week, and there’s nothing I like more than a good cry. I loved the characters; I loved the writing; I loved the music. And Kurt Hummel was one of the best-written and most heartbreaking characters on television. Broadway stars did guest-spots. Sue Sylvester was kooky and fun. I bought all of the albums, which I don’t do, ever. It was a show for the nerd in us all, and it made my heart sing along with the cast.
Then Season Two happened. And I was so excited about the premiere. But something happened between Seasons One and Two, and Season Two felt flat and forced. Not to mention they introduced a bully character who kept threatening Kurt’s life, and I know we were supposed to be learning a lesson about bullying, but I didn’t want to see that every week, because I lived that for eight years, and my PTSD was being triggered every Tuesday night at 8. Not really what you want after a long day at work, Ryan Murphy.
Ryan Murphy apologized after Season Two. They’d lost their way, he said. They knew where they’d gone wrong, he said. It was back to basics in Season Three, he said. Back to the Glee we knew and loved.
Well, Season Three is in full swing, Murphy, and I’m waiting. Because so far? It is a total and complete crapfest. And I’m tired, and I’m sad. I’m so sad. I know. Shows get crappy, sometimes. It happens. It’s a thing that happens. I get that. But to go from something I loved so, so much, to something I really almost have to force myself to watch (and this week, honestly? I played with my phone through the whole episode, sorry, Twitter was a lot more entertaining than this week’s episode) is a very disappointing fall from grace. I mean, the later seasons of Buffy weren’t fantabulous kitten rainbows, but they were still better than anything else on television.
So, Ryan Murphy, because you gave me American Horror Story and that one perfect season of Glee that I hold dear to my heart, I am going to help you. Here are my tips for how you can fix Glee. Feel free to use them. You don’t even have to credit me. JUST USE THEM. Please. Or, how about this? Cancel the show when the kids graduate in June. Because otherwise? It’s done. And it’s time to move on.
STOP HAVING SUE BE CERTIFIABLE
Sue went from “kooky cheerleading coach” to “bodily harming students” in three seasons. She’s not funny anymore. She’s mean. And her character has no continuity. One week, she’s cute and squishy with her sister; the next week, she’s forgotten her sister exists; the following week, her sister dies and she’s squishy again; the next week, the sister is never mentioned again. I feel bad for Jane Lynch. She deserves better. She was one of the reasons people tuned in originally; you’re misusing her talents. Pare back her role, have her stop in and zing people, and once and a while have a juicy subplot, and that’s it. It worked once. It will work again. Running for Congress? Insanity. Stupid insanity.
MORE MUSIC, LESS “PLOT”
Let’s face it, your plot writing is your weak spot. You’ve got these amazingly talented kids, yet you’re only putting on 4 or so songs an episode. You used to do more. And the songs MEANT more. This week, one of the kids randomly sang some Katy Perry song about threesomes. Really? I don’t know about that. The lead-in was, “We’ve forgotten how to have FUN!” That wasn’t fun. It was creeptastic. More music (also, can you please reprise “Run, Joey, Run” because I don’t know that I’ve ever laughed so hard in my LIFE) and less trying to have the actors act, because, well, they can’t. Not really.
MORE BURT HUMMEL
I can’t even describe my love for Mike O’Malley in this role. More Mike O’Malley. More Mike O’Malley interacting with Kurt, or even just fixing cars, I don’t care. Some episodes? I’d rather watch Burt Hummel fix a transmission for an hour rather than watch what’s happening with New Directions.
LOVE HIM, BUT SAY GOODBYE TO BLAINE
I know. I KNOW. The “what the HELL?” heard round the world. I love Darren Criss and his adorable face as much as the rest of you. More, maybe. But he’s not adding anything to the plot. He and Kurt should have broken up when Kurt left Dalton Academy. Instead, he FOLLOWED KURT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL. And now he trails behind Kurt like a lost little lamb, and sometimes gets a line or two, and they make him sing about threesomes. You are wasting Darren Criss. It would have been a lot more striking were he and Kurt forced to sing against one another at Regionals this year, their last year at school, having broken up. Imagine the angst! Would they compete fully, knowing they’d be crushing each other’s dream? WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THIS.
BREAK UP SOME OF THE COUPLES
You Sam and Diane’d your show to death, Murphy. Everyone’s coupled up. Will and Emma. Rachel and Finn. Tina and Mike. Even Brit-Brit and Santana seem to be coupley this season. It’s not entertaining to watch a bunch of boring happy couples. You know what gets the ratings? Longing. Longing gets the ratings. Add some damn longing, already. It’s hard to long when you have what you want.
STOP BRINGING ON 47,000,000 COUSIN OLIVERS
All those kids from The Glee Project that won guest spots. (Ah, and poor Damien McGinty this week, that was pain. PAIN. Watching that kid trying to act? Oh, no. No no no.) Tourette’s McGillicutty (more on that in a minute.) Random football players. Coach Bieste (although I love her, and that Cousin Oliver-ing didn’t really blow up in your face that much.) Becky. Blaine. TOO MANY PEOPLE TO FOCUS ON, MURPHY. You can’t keep trying to save your show by throwing every actor in the world at it and hoping someone latches onto them. STOP IT.
GET RID OF THAT “SORRY, TOURETTE’S” GIRL BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH
I can’t even start to tell you my hatred for this girl. This is funny? A rich girl whose daddy buys her whatever she wants and can say whatever she wants because she’s got self-diagnosed Tourette’s? That’s not entertaining. HAVE YOU EVEN NOTICED THE ECONOMIC CLIMATE, MURPHY. We don’t want to watch spoiled rich brats who don’t ever seem to be getting their comeuppance. Also, I think people that actually HAVE Tourette’s might be offended by her. I’m offended by her existence, honestly, but that might be just me.
GET RID OF SHELBY NOW BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING ENTERTAINING ABOUT PEDOPHILIA
I know. I KNOW. Again, no one loves Idina like I do. She is luminescence. Her voice is one of the most amazing things to ever happen, ever. But first, her character is pretty unredeemable. And second, you bring her back to coach Tourette’s McGillicutty’s rich team. And third, Rachel’s her daughter, and they haven’t had more than a tiny bit of interaction all season. Really? Kind of unbelievable. And fourth, (sorry, spoiler alert) she’s totally hooking up with a student. That’s a pedophile, Murphy. It’s not cute and it’s not fun to watch and she’s going to lose her child and really? This seemed like a good idea? REALLY?
BRITNEY WENT FROM CUTE TO MENTALLY HANDICAPPED IN THREE SEASONS
Murphy, you have a problem with taking a bit part that the audience likes and blowing it up into something huge and then getting confused when the audience isn’t in love with it anymore. It’s like salt. A little salt is delicious. Too much salt ruins the dish and makes you drink all the water and then you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee and that is totally annoying. Same thing with Sue, and same thing with Britney. I loved the wacky, air-headed asides we used to get from Britney. But now she’s on ALL THE TIME. And she’s gotten very, very special needs. Like, one might wonder, does she need to be in special classes, because how could she function? Except when she’s insightful. She’s like one of those magic handicapped people in a bad Hallmark special. It’s embarrassing. No one acts like this. NO ONE. Make it STOP.
LESS BROADWAY (THAT ONE HURTS)
I know. It’s like I just committed hari-kari. But you’ve moved to a lot of Broadway showtunes this season, and listen, I LUUURRRRVES me the Broadway showtunes? But you made your name with show-choiring popular hits and making them fresh and new. Go back to that, please. Because Broadway hits done by a show choir sound like…well, Broadway hits. Because they’re WRITTEN to be done that way. It’s nothing new or fresh. And it’s kind of boring. Don’t ruin Broadway for me, Murphy.
NEVER, EVER ALLOW TERRI OR HOLLY TO STEP FOOT ON THE SET AGAIN
Will is a mega-annoying character anyway? But his exes are the WORST. Please, please don’t allow Terri to come back. I hate her so much it gives me hives. I am SO WORRIED that since Will slept with her last season she’s going to come back preggo and that is going to be the WORST PLOT DEVELOPMENT EVER. And please don’t even think of bringing back Holly. People that are that careless and carefree and “life is my playground LOLZZZZ” make me want to stab 87 puppies. Also Gwyneth scares me sometimes.
WHY THE HELL IS KURT SO FRIGGIN’ MOROSE
Everyone at school seems to accept Kurt now. He has a smokin’ hot boyfriend, his father is happily married and healthy, he’s getting along with his stepmother and stepbrother, has plans to attend an arts-based college, and he will probably get to sing some sort of solo at the end of the year. SO WHY HAS KURT BEEN POUTING SO GODDAMN MUCH. It hasn’t been explained and it’s very confusing and has no explanation I can see. It’s annoying the hell out of me. All I’ve decided is that Kurt is well-aware the show sucks now and he’s hella mad like I am. Why else would he have that face on his face all the time?
JUST SHOW US RACHEL’S DADS ALREADY
Are you waiting for a huge reveal and her dads will be Anderson Cooper and a unicorn? Otherwise, there is no reason to have put this off this long, Murphy. Just show them already. Everyone else’s parents have been there supporting their kids, and you’re telling me that Rachel’s super-involved dads don’t go to a single one of her events? WHAT THE HELL.
RACHEL SHOULD BE REPEATEDLY PUNCHED IN THE STUPID FACE
Sorry. I love Lea Michele. I do. I totally do. I HATE RACHEL BERRY. At first, I liked her because she reminded me of me; overachieving, a little full of herself, very insecure and overcompensating to hide that. But now I just want to slap the annoying right off of her. I can’t stand anything about her. I want all of the other Glee club members to jump her outside and pummel her until her larynx is crushed. I HATE HER SO MUCH IT IS CRIPPLING. And she’s the star! Murphy. You went totally wrong here, somehow. People are not supposed to feel this way about your star.
WILL NEEDS TO STOP ACTING LIKE A STUDENT ALREADY
Will is a goddamn teacher who constantly acts less mature than his students and gets up and sings sexually suggestive songs in front of them and has tantrums and suggests they do stupid, reckless things and pouts and stomps. He’s next on my larynx-crushing tour. SO ANNOYING GAH. No student would respect a single word that comes out of his mouth, because he’s less fearsome than a kindergartener. GROW THE HELL UP WILL.
BRING BACK THE GROFF
Not just because I have a mega-crush on Jonathan Groff’s adorable gay face, either. He’s funny. His character brings added drama that is needed and necessary between Finn and Rachel. And the man can SING HIS FACE OFF. Groff. GROFF! GROFF!
BRING BACK NPH
I don’t know in what capacity or why, just do it. Everything’s better with NPH added. Everything. Like, I’d watch FOX News if NPH was on it. I’d watch Two and a Half Men if NPH was on it. I’d watch effing NASCAR if NPH was on it. BRING HIM BACK.
FIX IT, Murphy. Or can it, either way. I know you can do better. I’m in love with American Horror Story. I know you have it in you. THIS IS EMBARRASSING BOTH OF US.