I think I’m broken.
I realize that everyone has their individual taste in what’s good and what’s not, etc., etc., ad infinitum, blah blah, vomit. Whatever. But this weekend, I watched Blue Valentine. Which has very good ratings, overall. Like, Rotten Tomatoes gave it an 88%. That’s pretty good, right? And Michelle Williams was nominated for an Academy Award for her performance. And Ryan Gosling! RYAN GOSLING, you guys. Whose adorable mug makes me smile DAILY on both Feminist Ryan Gosling and Typographer Ryan Gosling.
I hated the shit out of this movie.
The problem was, I guess (and I will try not to completely spoil you but there will be spoilers here, sorry, can’t be helped), that both of the characters were kind of annoying. Plot in a nutshell: two hipsters meet, fall in love, marry, and their marriage implodes. Fine. And I guess it gets points for being very real. And very gritty. I remember reading that the director had Williams and Gosling improvise most of the dialogue and live together for a while as if they were their characters. Well, that was obvious. The dialogue came across as VERY improv night at a community theater. I went to a lot of improv nights in college, because I knew people in the troupe, and when the actors didn’t know what was coming next, they’d repeat what was just said to them in the hopes someone would save them. This happened a lot in this movie.
Sample dialogue from Blue Valentine (not real dialogue):
Gosling: I am angry.
Williams: You are angry?
Gosling: Yes. Yes, I am angry.
Williams: You are angry.
Gosling: Dammit. Yes. Yes, I am angry.
Williams: I, too, am angry.
Gosling: You are also angry?
Gosling: Well. In that case, we are both angry.
THE MOVIE WAS TWO HOURS LONG AND THIS KEPT HAPPENING.
It was true, I guess. I mean, I don’t need every movie to have a happy ending, or to be tied up in a little bow and be presented to be on a silver platter for me to like it. And listen, I love to cry. I actually was looking forward to a good cry when I put the DVD in. But I did not cry. These two people just totally frustrated the hell out of me. I just wanted to shake them and ask them what the hell did they EXPECT to happen, what kind of world did they LIVE IN where they thought everything turned out happy happy joy joy all the time and that people change once you marry them and that good things happen to people that deserve it?
It was so bleakly depressing that I wanted to take up cutting or start pulling out my eyelashes or something. Gah.
So maybe I’m broken and can’t appreciate the art of fine cinema, I don’t know.
Then my friend R. emailed me the other day and asked if we’d watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s together once, because she vaguely remembered we had, and she and her husband A. watched it together this past weekend and he hated it so much just a little bit in he left the room. And I thought about it, and I realized that YES, we DID watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which, again, high ratings (also 88% on Rotten Tomatoes – what’s with this trend?) and was nominated for, and won, multiple Academy Awards, and people just lurrrrve this movie, and you know what? HATED IT. I totally HATED IT.
Reasons I hated Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
- Holly Golightly was such a friggin’ flake that I wanted something really bad to happen to her so she would just come right the hell down to earth and stop being so flighty and annoying and “I’m ETHEREAL! Nothing MATTERS! Aren’t I just so CUTE!”
- She would not name her cat. Then she releases her cat into the rain because it needed to be free or some such nonsense, I don’t know. Because you know there’s nothing than housecats like better than being alley cats. Then she’s all, “Oh now I WANT THE CAT BACK.” Shut up, you stupid fruit fly. You’re an animal abuser.
- What the hell was going on with Mickey Rooney and his totally racist Asian impersonation I could have died. Here is a photo.
Every time he came on the screen I wanted to find him and throw Pocky at him to make him stop. Who thought this was a good idea? Were there no Asian actors in 1961? I bet there were. There really was no excuse for this.
Good thing about Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Young George Peppard.
I have a thing for old-time hunks. My top two are:
Everything looks better in black and white. Everything.
Anyway, my thoughts about Breakfast at Tiffany’s are best summed up, Mary-Katherine Gallagher-style, in these lines from the song “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something:
“And I said, what about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?
She said, ‘I think I remember the film, and
as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it.’
And I said, ‘Well, that’s the one thing we got.’”
This is the SADDEST and MOST PATHETIC REASON to stay together EVER EVER EVER. OK, so you’re about to break up. And the guy’s last-ditch effort to keep you together is, “Hey! Remember that time we watched that movie? THAT MOVIE REMEMBER?” And you respond, “Yes, I kind of recall…um, we both sort of liked it? I guess? Kind of?” And he replies with “WE’VE GOT THIS BABE WE’RE MEANT TO BE THEN.”
Also, the name of your band is Deep Blue Something. It’s like you’re not even trying. “Deep Blue…oh, I don’t know.” “Well, we have to put SOMETHING.” “That’s it.” *DEEP SIGH* “Deep Blue SOMETHING.” “Please leave me alone with my ennui.”
So then after realizing I apparently hate all things that people love, I looked into it and realized that YES I am totally BROKEN because here, here are the other things I hate. Some of which you might be like, ok, whatever, I can deal with that. But the last two will probably send you screaming for the hills. Especially the last one. You’re going to hate me. And take away my geek membership card. Sorry in advance.
Jerry Macguire (85% on Rotten Tomatoes)
The reason I hate this is Tom Cruise. Also, I think the whole “you had me at hello” thing is TOTAL BULLSHIT. She was so selling herself short. He was such an asshole! And he only really liked her because she was useful to him, and also he liked her kid (who I wanted to bop in the head, he was so weird and annoying.) And so he shows up after pretty much dumping her flat, and gives her this pathetic speech about how she completes him, and she stops him and tells him “You had me at hello.” And all the girls are all “SQUEE SQUEE.”
Well, here. Let’s put aside my Cruise hatred for a minute. Also, I think Zellweger looks like a squinty duck. But first? I don’t want a guy who says I complete him. Because that means he isn’t whole to begin with. Who wants some half-man? I want a WHOLE man. Because I’m whole. And together, we make TWO COMPLETE PEOPLE. We’d totally be a force to be reckoned with, these two people. Not two people who weren’t whole to begin with and rely upon one another to fill in each other’s gaping holes and are all codependently propping one another up.
Second, “you had me at hello?” Do you know what that means? “Just by showing up at my door you’ve won.” That means “don’t bother trying too hard because I’m pretty easy.” I can’t even imagine having self-esteem so low that a guy just SHOWING UP makes you capitulate. I mean, my self-esteem’s in the basement, but I’d still have closed the door in that bastard’s face. See how complete he felt standing out in the cold with his big old gaping hole of emptiness all filled with wind and outdoor things like leaves and shit.
Everything Woody Allen has ever done, ever, but especially Annie Hall
I think Woody Allen is the whiniest thing in the planet. I know! To most people, he is like unto a God. And that’s nice. That’s so nice! I don’t care. People just ADORE Annie Hall. I saw this when a guy I wanted to bone brought it to my apartment in college for me to watch with him. He was so into it and by the time it was done I no longer wanted to bone him because how could you be sexually attracted to someone who thought that was a good idea? I’d go more into detail but I don’t remember enough about it to and I don’t care to research it because of the whininess. I also find Jerry Seinfeld to be akin to Woody Allen and also hate Jerry Seinfeld and hated his show. I KNOW YOU TOTALLY WANT TO BRAIN ME WITH A HAMMER RIGHT NOW.
The Sound of Music
This is the one I’m pretty sure you’re all screaming “blasphemy” about and getting very up-in-arms. I hate this movie. I won’t even watch it. Those kids creep me the hell OUT. With the singing and whatnot. And the father was so mean and what the hell with the seducing of a nun. And also it’s about Nazis or something and what’s so cheerful about Nazis. And her favorite things were stupid. And that puppet show made me want to impale myself on a cast-iron fence. I HATE THIS MOVIE SO SO HARD. And I KNOW no one else in the WORLD hates this movie. I told you, I am BROKEN.
And now…ready? Ready to take away my official geek membership card? I mean, I debated holding this one back, but no. IT IS TIME I COME CLEAN.
The Star Wars Trilogy
OK, if you can stop screaming “what the HELLLLL” for a minute, please listen.
If the entire movie was just Han Solo being young Harrison Ford in tight, tight pants, then I wouldn’t have this problem. But it wasn’t.
I could not stand Mark Hamill. He annoyed me so much. I WANTED him to be killed. This was probably not what you were supposed to want to happen. (I have an irrational dislike of blonde, blue-eyed men. I’m pretty sure in a past life I was harassed by one of the Aryan brotherhood.) Princess Leia was also not my favorite thing, although she did not annoy me as much as Luke did. I thought Han Solo could do better.
I didn’t watch these movies all the way through until college when a boy I dug (different one than the Annie Hall boy SHUT UP IT WAS COLLEGE THERE WERE A PLETHORA OF BOYS) thought it was blasphemous that I had not seen them so he made me watch all three back-to-back and I kept falling asleep and he kept making me wake up so I wouldn’t miss things and I just wanted it to STOP ALREADY.
I don’t know why. Don’t ask, because I don’t know. I realize they were a huge step for the geek community and appreciate that. I understand that they were impressive, special-effects-wise. I GET ALL THAT. I do not like them.
I thought for a while it was an outer-space thing, until I watched Firefly and totally dug that so that theory went out the window.
Do I watch them again without the distraction of the boy? Do I let it go? I’m leaning toward letting it go. I really don’t want to watch them again. Oh, and Yoda freaked me OUT. I don’t like puppets. Especially puppets with syntax issues.
So, yes. I’m broken. I’m totally, completely broken. I cannot appreciate good cinema when it reveals itself to me. SORRY WORLD I AM NOT PERFECT.
Pass the popcorn, I’m going to watch Billy Madison for the 40 millionth time. It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walking around here. CINEMATIC GENIUS I CAN’T EVEN.