I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding to death from a paper cut. I just thought you should all know that in case this just stops abruptly because that means I exsanguinated and I know you’ll all want to send flowers. Ha! That is a TRICK. I don’t WANT flowers when I die. I WANT MONEY SENT TO GOOD CAUSES. Come ON, people. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.
Anyway, before all of my blood exits my body, let’s discuss some important things! Yes, this is one of my (in)famous CRAP OUT OF MY HEAD posts. Listen, I actually have a totally awesome on-task post planned, but then other things happened that I think need to be addressed first. DEAL WITH IT BUCKAROOS.
JUDGES? VERSATILITY = 0
A huge thank you to Lynnette at Wordtabulous, who nominated me for a Most Versatile Blogger award. This is a very nice thing that I am very grateful for, and the statements that I make her laugh (aw!) and that I am hyper and vulgar (true!) are very generous of her. However, in order to CLAIM the award, I have to follow all these rules and regulations and I think it might be a pyramid scheme. Which would be awesome, if money started rolling in, because you know how pyramid schemes totally bring you ALL THE CASH and ALWAYS WORK. OK, I’m exaggerating about the pyramid scheme part of it and mostly it’s because I’m a., lazy, and b., don’t want to bother people. Here’s the rules. You have to link to the person who nominated you. Done. Lynnette is awesome and I like her blog very much, and I am happy to do so. She’s on my blogroll over there. See? See see see? Already ON THERE, yahoos. So fine. Then you have to make a list of seven things about yourself. I make lists before BREAKFAST. I LOVE LISTS. I have no problem with this, either, because if I’m anything, it’s an oversharer. I mean, you already know, just by reading this far, I’m dying of a papercut and that I’m a cusser and that some people think I’m humorous. So I’m pretty sure I could complete this step IN MY SLEEP BABY. However, here’s the pyramid scheme that’s not really a pyramid scheme but kind of. You have to tag fifteen bloggers you like, write why you like them, THEN TELL THEM YOU TAGGED THEM SO THEY CAN DO THE SAME THING TO OTHER PEOPLE. Here’s another thing for my list: I don’t like to bother people. What if I tagged people and they were SO ANNOYED BY ME that they never spoke to me again? Also, I read a lot of blogs by people that are a lot better than me. So if I commented on their blogs and said “hey, here’s a link to a post where I nominated you for an award but you have to do a lot of work to claim it” they would probably ignore me, or maybe click on the link and think “WTF THIS IS THE WORST BLOG EVER” and that would be sad-making, or maybe order a hit on me. I don’t know. So I cannot claim this award because I am not willing or capable or what-have-you to play by the rules. This does not diminish the fact in the least that I am totally honored to have been OFFERED the award! Because I do very much like awards. It’s like the leg lamp in A Christmas Story. It’s fra-geee-lay and probably Italian. Pretty much the only award I should be offered for this blog would be the Biggest Weirdo Award. Or maybe Loquacious Jones’ Award of Jawin’. Or Lazyass McCracken’s Prize for Laziest Blogger to Ever Blog on a Blog. That should be a thing. Let’s make that a thing. Oh, and also? I have no idea if WordPress even lets me put badges on here. I don’t think it does. That seems fascist. When I win my Lazyass McCracken prize I will want to make that KNOWN TO ALL, WordPress!
I’M LEAVING A LIGHT ON FOR YOU, AL
I think you will all be very sad and surprised to know that Al-but-not-Al-from-Home-Improvement from yesterday has NOT contacted me. I KNOW, RIGHT? WTF, Al-but-not-Al-from-Home-Improvement? I texted a friend who was in the performance about the no-light-in-the-nude-scene situation. Here. I will show you our conversation, which I have changed a little to protect the innocent. In this situation, it is very obvious I am not the innocent.
Me: It was very hard to ogle the fella I had picked out to stare at right before intermission in the dark. Now I have to fill in the rest with my IMAGINATION.
E: HAHAHAHA yeah that happens to me too except Claude doesn’t get naked
Me: My guy DID GET NAKED, only it was too dark to see him clearly. FAIL. NUDE SCENE FAIL.
E. haha i’m sorry… you’d have to have paid extra for a better view.
Me: It seems illegal and un-American I was not told this was an option. I probably need to occupy something to show my displeasure with this situation.
Me: Oh, also, you were good. I probably should have led with that.
(I know you are wondering why people continue friendships with me when it is very obvious I am a crazy person. The answer is, I AM DRIPPING WITH CHARISMA AND THEY CAN’T RESIST ME. Oh, and all theater people are pretty nuts. I’m not even the most nuts of the theater people. I KNOW. Can you even IMAGINE the nuttery that’s going on over there?)
So anyway, apparently if I had paid extra money I could have stared at naked Al-but-not-Al-from-Home-Improvement ALL I WANTED and this is a sad missed opportunity I will always regret like the time I found money in the parking lot of the humane society and donated it even though I really needed it personally because in my opinion found money in the parking lot of a not-for-profit belongs to the not-for-profit but think of all the things I could have bought, like maybe a kicky hat. What? You think she was being FACETIOUS? Oh. Oh, well, that…yeah, that would make a lot of sense, actually. It still doesn’t erase the fact that Al-but-not-Al-from-Home-Improvement IS WASTING OUR PRECIOUS MOMENTS TOGETHER BY NOT RESPONDING TO MY CALL FOR LOVE.
A ZOO STORY
So in the spring, I am going on my first real, true, out-of-state vacation in ten years. I know! It is very exciting. I will be making a trip to Florida and spending a week in a beachfront condo. These are the things I am planning on doing while I am there:
- Hitting happy hour EVERY SINGLE DAY;
- Walking on the beach until my legs fall off;
- Taking a million pictures of sunsets and shit;
- Going to this mega-flea market with my dad, because we cannot resist cheap crap;
- Eating seafood and fresh fruit until I explode.
Then I thought, you know what there might be close to where we’re staying? A ZOO. And listen, there are very few things I love more than zoos. I know, I know, ANIMALS! IMPRISONED! FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT! Well, listen, Charlie, I can’t afford an African safari or whatever, so I have to get my animal fix from zoos. I LOVE ZOOOOOOOOOOS.
Things that have happened in zoos that have made me irrationally happy include the time I illegally fed a giraffe; the time I made a cat noise and a cougar came out of hiding and made the same noise back to me because he thought we were simpatico; the time an ostrich attacked my dad’s best friend; the time lemurs stole some dude’s glasses right off his face because he didn’t heed the “stay back from the cage because lemurs will steal those glasses right off your face” sign; and any time I can stare happily for hours on end at penguins.
So I investigated the nearby zoos, and there weren’t too many that were close, but I found one that wasn’t too far, and then realized there was a site that had reviews of the zoo, so I said, hey, let’s read those, that will be good times! ONLY IT WAS NOT GOOD TIMES.
“Overall, I would not call this a zoo. It is not a zoo by any means. It is more like an animal prison. It is boring and sad. It may be fun for the little ones when you have a week day or a weekend off and have nothing else to do, but other than that, don’t waste your time or your money.”
“It was very sad to see some the fastest animals confined to such a small area. The animals looked very lethargic and just sad. They should do more advocating the effects of pollution and habitat loss. This zoo is a prime example of why I do not liking going to zoos in the first place; it’s just sad.”
WHAT THE HELL ZOO.
I’m going to pretend these are lies. THESE ARE LIES, RIGHT? Because listen, here are some things that are at this zoo:
THIS HORRIBLE MONKEY THAT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE OLD MAN! (Fine, it is a Cotton-Top Tamarin. I will not be spending any time with the monkeys because I hate them and they are all about flinging poo.)
TWO TOED SLOTHS! (Chunk LOVES Sloth. Baby….RUTH?)
COATIS! Which are like EXOTIC RACCOONS!
POISON DART FROGS! I plan on smuggling one out so I can get revenge on mine enemies. I realize that’s grammatically incorrect but doesn’t it sound just so much more totally Biblical-justicey that way? MINE ENEMIES, BEWARE MY WRATHINESS.
TOMATO FROGS! This is awesome. I love frogs. This one looks like someone inflated him with a bicycle pump after he got a bad sunburn.
NEW CALEDONIAN GIANT GECKOS! I should get in free. I have his insurance plan.
RED SPITTING COBRAS! Good grief. This seems dangerous. AND AWESOME.
OK, so further research tells me this zoo is only $13 to get in for A WHOLE DAY and also only an hour from the condo.
HOW CAN I RESIST THE SIREN SONG OF THE KOOKABURRA. I have never SEEN a real-life kookaburra! What if I sang him his theme song about living in an old gum tree and he LOVED IT SO SO MUCH? This is really something special, you guys, seriously, screw the stupid reviews. Also, how else am I going to poison my enemies by spitting poison-tipped darts at them from dark alleyways without the main ingredient for that plan – FROG POISON?
I am totally torn about this. If they had penguins, I mean, there would be no question, I’d be there NOW, but URGH. Someone write a good review and tip me over the edge. Oh, and also there are llamas, if that helps. They also spit. OMG do you know what would be the MOST AWESOME maybe that cobra and that llama would have a spitting contest. WHO WOULD WIN WHO WOULD WIN. Screw this, I’m going.