Dear People Who Find my Blog Accidentally:
But, as always, I am here to help. That’s what this post is for: for ME to help YOU. You are lost. Lost little lambs! And I will lead you out of the big scary forest full of big bad wolves with gnashy teeth. It’s all for you! It’s all for YOU, Damien! (Sidebar! I was discussing this phrase with Mandy at Borkadventures on Friday and I told her that I like to yell it at my cats when they jump off tall things, like the back of the couch, and she said she used it on her students the other day, and we both agreed we were met with confusion when we used it. This phrase should NEVER be met with confusion. It is AWESOME. Here. I will put in a VIDEO.
But, as always, I am here to help. That’s what this post is for: for ME to help YOU.
To the people who came here by searching for “How know skinny jeans too tight” and “emo girl eyeliners”:
I’m going to assume you’re adorable teenagers who have lost your way in a sea of fashion-related searches and found yourself here, and fled quickly once you realized I’m the enemy because I hate Twilight. Sound about right? Well, first, let me tell you quickly my issue with Twilight, my little macaroons. You should be reading books with strong female heroines, like The Hunger Games or the Harry Potter series, not something like Twilight, because Twilight teaches you that you need to be rescued, over and over, by your goddamn sparkly-ass patronizing son-of-a-bitch boyfriend who treats you like a crystal swan on a shelf and never lets you make your own decisions because women are to be seen, not heard. Life’s going to beat you down soon enough. Surround yourself with positive female role models, both in life and literature, because you need to construct a strong support system. Ahem. Anyway. You know your skinny jeans are too tight when they are cutting off your circulation to your cootch and you can’t feel your legs, and you’ve done your emo girl eyeliners (what’s with the pluralization there?) correctly if you look like a sort of deranged, avid panda, to wit:
You also know if you’ve done it right if you look like Taylor Momsen in Gossip Girl, but not at the beginning when she still looked human. Later, when she looked like an emo robot channeling the Olsen twins and failing miserably.
To the pervs who came here because they thought there would be free porn:
Every MONTH, pervs. EVERY GD MONTH. I know, I know, I kind of give you mixed signals, and I’m all “you’re welcome here, pervs” and then I’m like “arm’s length, pervs” but then I see your search terms and it’s all “ew, come ON, pervs, really?” Because see? Here. Here is what the pervs wanted this month:
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez naked
Slutty zombie schoolgirls
Strippers love America
I have to admit I laughed at the strippers and the whores because I’ve talked about those things so I guess I’m totally a resource in the strippers loving America/riding whores areas (no there are not AREAS for these things, pervs, PUT THAT AWAY) but the first one? OMG, you guys, OMG, are you KIDDING? This is a THING? How OLD are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? I just researched this. Google informs me they are 17 and 19 years old. La Biebs isn’t even LEGAL. Are you KIDDING me? Ew ew EWWWWW. And why the holy HELL would you think I would have such a thing HERE? Do I strike you as someone who has a secret cache of underage popstar porn? GO BACK TO YOUR HOLES, PERVS. You have officially squicked me out for the month.
Oh, also, Slutty Zombie Schoolgirls = the name of my next band.
To the people who came here still searching for everything related to Zak Bagans:
Zak Bagans people, every month. I swear. This month, though, you wanted Zak’s high school photo. So I had to find that for you, because I need to keep up my street cred as the one true source for Zak Bagans-related ephemera on the Interwebs. Here you go. Because OBVIOUSLY Zak and I are SUPER-CLOSE and I would have ACCESS to such things.
Aw! If you look veeeery closely, you can see a leeeeetle ghost over by his left shoulder. That’s how you know it’s really Zak!
To the person who got here by searching for “Terry Thompson animal hoarder Rachael Rey”:
What does Rachael Ray have to do with that nutbar in Ohio who thought tigers were pets? OMG, remember when Napoleon Dynamite said the liger was pretty much his favorite animal? I almost choked on my popcorn. Shut up, I loved that movie. “I caught you this delicious bass.”
To the number of people who keep searching for things related to Ben Wyatt:
Back off, skeezes. BEN WYATT IS MINE. You can’t have him; I not only called dibs, I licked him, like the last muffin on the tray, so he is TOTALLY OFF LIMITS. Did you notice how Parks and Recreation wasn’t on this week? BECAUSE BEN AND I SPENT THE WEEK IN BED AND HE WAS TOO TIRED OUT TO PERFORM FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT BECAUSE HE’D EXHAUSTED HIMSELF PERFORMING FOR MINE. Yeah, I said it. So what? What are you going to do? MINE MINE MINE MINE.
To the people who are searching things that are actually related to this blog, have something to do with me, and prove you’ve been paying attention, so much so I want to give you a big old kiss:
El gato es muy en fuego
Fun in social situations
Omg I am out of ice cream sandwiches
Scrubbing grime from the tub floor
Hat honor meaning
Hat honor in Colonial America
If you’ve got a problem I’ll solve it
Imbalance of bodily humours caused by a toad
To tear the flesh gossip
Where his flesh becomes my key
These are all things that make me smile, and are awesome, and I have covered to some extent, and I am happy to be remembered for and/or help you with.
Although the “to tear the flesh gossip” thing is a little confusing. Why is there gossip? WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAYING?
Also, the fact that one person searched for “omg I am out of ice cream sandwiches” and another for “el gato es muy en fuego” made me so deliriously happy I can’t even. I hope you found your ice cream sandwiches, my friend, and that your cat is no longer on fire.
Oh, and although I discussed scrubbing grime from the tub floor, if it’s a perv searching this? I WILL CUT YOU, PERV. There is NOTHING SEXY ABOUT THIS. If it’s a normal person? Magic eraser and lots of elbow grease.
To the person who got here with this search term, which made me think, hey, maybe I actually, without sarcasm, assisted someone one day:
“when do we use pie charts?”
I covered this a while ago, because you people kept wanting pie charts for stupid things. I am happy to report that ONLY ONE PERSON SEARCHED FOR STUPID PIE CHART THINGS THIS MONTH. Also, that someone actually came here WANTING TO KNOW WHEN TO USE PIE CHARTS. Sure, it might be a kid wanting me to do his homework for him? But I’m still happy about it. I HELPED. Can you even imagine if they CITED ME in some sort of SCHOOL PAPER? I would die. I would ABSOLUTELY DIE.
And the stupid pie chart person: “I know I’m crazy pie chart.” That doesn’t even make SENSE in pie chart form. GO TO A THERAPIST. I’m not even MAKING you a pie chart in honor of this. IT IS TOO SAD.
To the people who got here with kind of insulting phraseology:
“I can’t help you if you don’t let me” Bible?
Skydiving is not as bad as you think?
Vulgar kissing scenes?
and, my favorite:
“maybe you’re not as awesome as you think you are?”
Whatever, haters! First, the Bible only helps you as far as you let it. There’s some good advice in there (love your neighbor). There’s also some dated advice (don’t eat shellfish), and some downright wrong advice (homosexuality is wrong). Hatemail me if you want. It’s true. Skydiving? IS TOTALLY AS BAD AS YOU THINK. You are HURLING YOURSELF OUT OF A PLANE YOU PSYCHO. Why do you think I know ANYTHING about vulgar kissing scenes? I mean, I like vulgarity as much as the next chica, and I sure do like kissing, but not so much watching it.
Also? I AM JUST AS AWESOME AS I THINK I AM. Maybe MORE. Don’t even.
To the person who got here searching for “real penguin image from back”:
Listen, I am happy to be a penguin resource. Maybe this will lead to a zoo inviting me to PLAY WITH THEIR PENGUINS. Then I will steal one and it will live in my freezer, like Mr. Popper’s Penguins only without Jim Carrey making me nervous and scared. One can only dream. Listen, zoos? I WOULD LIKE TO COME PLAY WITH YOUR PENGUINS. I will blog about it! I will get you lots of publicity! I WILL MAKE PENGUINS COOL AGAIN. I WILL BRING PENGUIN SEXYBACK. What can I do? JUST LET ME KNOW AND I’M THERE.
Here. Here is what the back of a penguin looks like (and a little of the side, because the back is kind of all black and hard to differentiate). ALL FOR YOU DAMIEN.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.