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In the dark night of the soul, it is very hard to see what is trying to eat your face.

This is kind of going to be a random crap Friday. That should become a thing. RANDOM CRAP FRIDAY! For when your brain is so fried from the rest of the week that you can’t concentrate on one thing! But really, when you look over my posts, you see that a lot of them are Random-Crap-Whatever-Day-It-Was-At-The-Time so really Random Crap Friday wouldn’t so much be a “thing” as it would be “just another day where I have too much crap to talk about.” 

IF I CAN’T SEE IT, IT ISN’T SCARY 

Wednesday night, I started watching Insidious. And it scared the CRAP out of me. It was a horror movie done well. A slow-burn, scary children, creepy things happening, stuff jumping out at you, frightening violin music, probably the devil, horror movie. NICE. Plus ONE, Insidious. Then I had to turn it off about halfway through, for two reasons: one, because two shows I wanted to watch were coming on, and two, because I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I watched the rest of it. 

So last night, when it was still light out, I turned on the second half, because I am a big baby. And the second half of Insidious? WAS STUPID. 

Here’s the thing. (Don’t worry. No spoilers. Unless you consider film values to be spoilery.) Horror movie people? I get that the dark is inherently scary. I totally get that. Things aren’t as scary in the light as they are in the dark, either in movies, or in real life. But if you make a movie SO DARK that you can’t see what it is the character is reacting/screaming to or fighting with? THAT IS NOT SCARY. It’s really just frustrating. I spent about an hour having this monologue with the movie. 

“Ooh, don’t go in there. Why would you go in there? That seems like a stupid move. Why don’t you have a flashlight? Well, it’s totally pitch-black in there. Good call. Why are you screaming? What do you see? Because I can’t see anything. Is something touching you? How would I know that since I’m not you? I mean, I can’t see anything. My television screen is just black from corner to corner, with screams coming out of the speakers. Oh, there, you’re back in the light. Good. WHY ARE YOU GOING BACK INTO THE DARK YOU HAVE NO IMPETUS TO DO SO. Oh, good. Well, I can’t see again. Ah, a total surprise you’re screaming again. Maybe you have Tourette’s. Do you think you have Tourette’s? And you just scream like it’s a tic? I don’t know. I mean, there totally could be a demon waiting to eat your face hanging from the ceiling, but I wouldn’t know, and neither would you, because it’s like the pit of blackness in your kid’s bedroom. Why don’t you have some nightlights up in there or something? Someone could stub a toe. OH GOOD MORE SCREAMING. THIS IS A TOTALLY FULFILLING MOVIE EXPERIENCE.” 

Maybe if you have a better television or DVD player than I do, you would have a better experience with this movie, I don’t know. It was fairly good up until I couldn’t see things. Then it wasn’t so good. But maybe it would have remained good if I could see what was happening? Probably it was a masterpiece, but I wouldn’t know. 

And it’s not just Insidious that’s like this. This is a problem with a lot of current horror movies. I just can’t see anything. Is it because the special effects are awful and you know I won’t be scared so you don’t want me to see them too closely so you make it really dark? I get that, because remember in Signs (why am I talking about Signs so much lately? That’s odd) when you were SO SCARED of the aliens until you SAW the aliens and then you thought, hmm, that looks like a prize from the bottom of a cereal box and isn’t even the least bit scary? That’s all anyone could talk about once that movie came out. Which was sad because it’s still one of my favorite movies ever. Whatever, I don’t judge YOUR taste in movies, so shut it, Sparky. 

Also, while we’re talking about it, stop making me want to see movies I know are going to be a steaming pile of garbage, production companies. I am specifically talking about Paranormal Activity 3. Now, when Paranormal Activity came out, I was SO STOKED to watch this. This looked AWESOME. Like the Blair Witch Project all grown up. I was so excited. People said it was the scariest movie they’d seen all year! Then I watched it. 

Well, either I’m broken and jaded, or it was garbage, because here’s my review of Paranormal Activity in a nutshell. I feel like I don’t have to tell you spoiler alert because it’s like 4 years old or something, right? Paranormal Activity is a movie about two people that about 5 minutes in you want to see murdered in completely bloody and creative ways that keep filming themselves for no reason anyone can ascertain and then things happen to them that aren’t even in the least bit scary, but only like a handful of things, and the rest of the movie is them SNIPING AT EACH OTHER. CONSTANTLY. It is THE MOST AWFUL THING EVER. It’s like Ghost Adventures if Zak was dating one of his fellow adventurers and they had a falling-out. It’s so, so bad. It’s “fighting fighting fighting something falls off a table kind of mysteriously and it might even just have been gravity fighting fighting in a whiny-ass voice fighting there’s a photo in the attic that shouldn’t be there fighting fighting loud unexplained noises fighting oh look a knife now it’s over.” I honestly think painting my nails and clipping coupons would have made for a more enjoyable two hours. 

So Paranormal Activity 2 kind of came and went, and I of course had no interest in it (the only thing I remember about it is I think it had something to do with a haunted baby and in the trailer they kept saying the baby’s name over and over in a stupid and repetitive way) and then the trailers for Paranormal Activity 3 started airing and DAMMIT they look really good. But I will not be suckered! It will be GARBAGE. Even though the early reviews I read say it’s actually pretty good I WILL NOT BE FOOLED PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3. Also? Do you know who the directors are? Those dorks that made Catfish. We TALKED about Catfish. It was a TRICK. I AM NOT GOING TO BE FOOLED BY YOU CATFISH DORKS! 

On a happier horror-related note, I am LOVING American Horror Story. Yes, I know, a lot of people think it’s cheesy and borrows way too much from other horror tropes and what have you. I get that. And as a huge horror fan, I am aware of the horror it’s borrowing from. But I don’t mind. It’s innovative, it’s a cool thing to have on television, it’s bloody, it has some genuine scares (tell me you didn’t jump a little at the beginning of the second episode with the killer and the nurses! That was SO AWESOMELY SCARY!), it has some excellent performances (I am NOT looking at you, Connie Britton, but I AM looking at you, Jessica Lange), it’s creative, and it has a lot of stories to tell that keep it fresh. Absolute kudos to you, Ryan Murphy. I look forward to this every single week. 

PRESENT! 

So remember we talked about the fancy restaurant and how they had super-swanky salt-and-pepper shakers there and I wanted to put them in my purse SO BAD but my father was not all that approving of me stealing them because he thought probably they’d arrest me because they were worth more than my  house? Well, one of my readers, Duncan, who MIGHT just be the coolest of the cool, wrote and offered to send me swanky salt and pepper shakers OF MY VERY OWN. Well! Since I am currently working with a salt shaker from the dollar store that was in my Christmas stocking a few years ago and it has a dented top from the time I dropped it on my foot, and a pepper shaker which is just the tin container that the pepper comes in, I of COURSE jumped all OVER this. Who knew that when you are a SUPER FAMOUS BLOGGER you get presents? I mean, people like The Bloggess get presents, but me? Well, if I had known that, I would have started blogging YEARS ago. Anyway, Duncan, Duncan’s friend Rennie, and an unnamed friend who I cannot thank but I’m sure is also awesome, sent the package out last week, and the package with my salt and pepper shakers is (I think – what else would it be, it’s not like I get a lot of mail) waiting for me at the theater, where I will be going tonight to attend a pre-critique of our next show. I AM SO EXCITED YOU GUYS I CAN’T EVEN. A present! A present I do not deserve but am getting anyway from a COMPLETE STRANGER! I think this kind of means I HAVE FANS! This is SO MUCH BETTER than the time this guy I barely knew gave me a basketball jersey that was three sizes too small “because it looked like something you might like” and I am still totally confused about that. I will report back sometime this weekend with MANY PHOTOS detailing my swag. SO SO EXCITED. 

YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF HORNDOGS 

If I had known earlier that I would get more blog hits than ANYONE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER by doing a post about handsome men that I want to boff, I would have done it MONTHS ago. Seriously, I had more site hits yesterday than I have since I moved over to WordPress. This made me just joyous. Who doesn’t love handsome men? Also, this seems to prove my point that I have a lot of female and gay male readers. Oh, and maybe also pervs who want to hear about me getting it on. YOU ARE ALL WELCOME HERE. Even you, pervs. But keep it in your pants. No one wants to see that, ok? 

DON’T TASE ME, BRO 

This isn’t so much part of Random Crap Friday as it is something that made me snort lemonade through my nose the other night, but the local news station did a report about how the New York State Police are abusing tasers (as in, tasing people all over the place for no reason, not like snorting them or something), and in the beginning of the local news show that airs from 8-9pm, the anchor (who I like very much, she is very serious, and sometimes gets very sarcastic and mean in a funny way) was teasing stories that were upcoming, and looked at the camera very seriously and said, “Don’t tase me, bro. New York State police are abusing the use of tasers…” AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN SMILE. And the photo card thing she was voicing over SAID “Don’t Tase Me Bro” on it LIKE IT WAS A SERIOUS TAG LINE. I loved that so hard. How can you say “Don’t tase me bro” without laughing? AWESOME. 

WEDDING TIP! WEDDING TIP! 

No, of course I didn’t forget! This might be the last wedding tip that Kickass McGee reads before she becomes a Mrs.! So of course it needs to be a doozy! 

Today’s tip: Watch out for strangely feminine gardeners with all the manure and an axe to grind

Paraphrased, per Snopes

An Australian woman, upset that her long-term boyfriend had dumped her and then two months later was getting married to who SHOULD have been his rebound girl, disguised herself with a false beard and moustache and masqueraded as a gardener to get into his wedding. Once there, armed with a bucket of wet cow manure, she found her ex surrounded by friends and therefore inaccessible, so decided to dump the manure on his bride, ruining her dress. 

Well, first, I have to wonder, what the hell, Australia? First you had the kerfuffle with the kookaburras, and now manure-flinging? And second, you go, manure-flinger! Way to commit to a plan! Listen, you guys, she DRESSED UP as a gardener. I mean, she didn’t just wait outside for them to get into the limo, or something. She put on a little COSTUME. This is DEDICATION, right here. 

Kickass McGee! Please speak to your intended and be sure that he has no angry exes who have nefarious plans like manure-flinging, because I don’t want to have to come there and kick anyone’s ass for ruining your big day. Because I would, Kickass McGee. I totally would. Maybe put someone on bouncer duty at the entrance, and have them tug on all the moustaches, or something? That would weed out the people just DRESSED as gardeners. Or have them feel the gardeners for tits. That’d also work. Downside to both of those plans: real gardeners, or female gardeners, might punch them. Best to not have your wedding anywhere garden-y, I’d think. 

Happy weekend, all!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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