So today I was thinking about my five. Sometimes people call this your Freebie Five. It’s the five celebrities you can have sex with without your significant other getting angry with you, or breaking up with you, were you to meet up with them and were they to for some reason completely out of the realm of possibility be interested in having sex with you.
This is problematic for me on a lot of levels, because a., I don’t have a significant other, so technically, I could have a Freebie Infinity, I suppose, because who’s going to get mad at me? No one. But that’s no fun. What’s fun is that it’s a finite NUMBER of people you can freely bone and you get to narrow down all the celebrities in the world into this finely-honed list of awesome sexuality-a-poppin’.
Also, b., I think too much for the list to be easy for me. And c., the people who USED to be on my list have either done totally boneheaded things that made them fall right the hell OFF my list and OUT of my bed or they are no longer interesting for one reason or another.
So let’s ignore a., and pretend that I have a totally awesome geeky boyfriend who is cool with me having a Freebie Five and also has a five of his own (one of the people on it is Felicia Day, which is how I know we’re soulmates) because the game is no fun unless you have a boyfriend or at least a hypothetical one. So let’s pretend. Please be delusional with me. My imaginary boyfriend’s name is Eamonn, in case you were wondering, and he is a tall Irish geek who reads a lot and just thinks I am HYSTERICAL and also super-sexy. (Alternately, his name is Campbell, and he is Scottish, with all of the same attributes. SHUT UP IT’S MY FANTASY AND I LIKE ACCENTS.) You know, because if you’re going to pretend something, it’s nice to flesh it out a little. Why would you want a two-dimensional fantasy? That would just be silly.
B. is a bigger problem. Because I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I can’t divorce a person’s looks from who they are (or at least who they come across as in interviews and who their actions show them to be.) So, for example, let’s take Ryan Reynolds. Is Ryan Reynolds sexy? Sure. But I think he might be a little bit of a playa douche, because first he was engaged to Alanis Morissette, then he was married to Scarlett Johansson the minute he made it big, then they broke up and I don’t know, isn’t he rumored to be with Sandra Bullock now (who we all know is really bad at choosing men that are good for her?) So I think he might be a jerk who’d sleep with you and say he’d call but then you’d see him two days later feeding a cream horn to some busty blonde in a cashmere sweater at a café and you’d feel like such a loser that you got a bikini wax. So I can’t put people like him on the list, you know? That would be a waste of one of the spots. And almost all actors have something I object to! So the list is REALLY HARD TO COMPLETE, you guys. Like totally the hardest. There are all of these factors that have to come together before I would even CONSIDER taking my pants off. Who knew cheating on Eamonn-slash-Campbell would be this difficult?
And then there’s c. I had some excellent contenders until they turned into crazy people. For example:
Listen, what happened here? This is very disappointing. First, this is the Joaquin Phoenix who was on my Freebie Five list:
Signs, you guys, remember him in Signs? With the baseball and the yearning and the sadness and the lost puppy eyes and the “Swing away, Merrill?” SIGH, you guys. SIGH TIMES INFINITY.
Then he went INSANE and decided he was going to be a rapper and grew way too much facial hair and went on Letterman and stuck his gum under Letterman’s desk and then it was all a trick for some joke documentary with that weird Affleck kid but was it? Was it really? And then he said he was quitting showbiz by writing goodbye on his fingers and making fists at all the cameras and then you never saw him again. And the last photos of him look like this.
This is the saddest thing ever and Joaquin Phoenix isn’t on my list anymore because he looks like a mountain man and like he would smell like BO and chewing tobacco and also he would mutter and probably throw things. I AM SO SAD ABOUT THIS I CAN’T EVEN PROCESS IT.
Also, Jason Lee and John Cusack both used to be on my list, and although I find them both exceedingly beautiful men, both of them kind of have turned me off for stupid reasons. Jason Lee because he broke up with his wife and almost immediately took up with someone else, which could be for any reason at all, I suppose, but it seemed like such a “I’ve gone HOLLYWOOD!” move that I was immediately turned off, and also, he named his child Pilot Inpektor, which is just the meanest thing to do to a child I can’t even tell you, and John Cusack, because in interviews, he comes across as kind of a self-righteous cock. I mean, he also comes across as very intelligent and very interesting? But also kind of a dick. And I think that would get old fast, and also I think he would be all “I’m SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU” in bed so that would be a turnoff.
So! My list. Now, I have rules. Please note that these are only MY personal rules. My rules might not be YOUR rules. But since the list is really so far out of the realm of possibility anyway, I like to put rules on it.
RULES FOR MY FREEBIE FIVE
- The people must be currently alive
- You cannot say something like “John Cusack but how he looked in Say Anything” – you have to take them as they are RIGHT NOW
- You cannot say character’s names – they must be real-life people (they don’t have to be actors, they could also be writers, singers, physicists, hell, your next-door-neighbor, although that would be totally creepy, but if they fit the first two rules it doesn’t matter.) If you want to make a Fictional Character Freebie Five list, that is acceptable and actually an awesome idea which I will now start working on for myself THANK YOU AMY’S BRAIN
- The list is constantly allowed to change to fit your whims of the moment or if the people on it douche out for ANY REASON AT ALL, even if it seems foolish and miniscule to others
- For list purposes, it is fine if the person is married, because you can pretend in your head that there’s a scenario where the wife has died of an aneurism or something. However, it is NOT fine if the person is gay, because that is out of the realm of list possibility
My list is sorely lacking in anything but actors. I am not 100% sure why this is. I have one author who will rename nameless who I am irrationally attracted to, but I admire his work so much that it almost seems sacrilegious to want to bone him? So maybe that’s why it’s only actors on the list. Sacrilege purposes. I’m not sure. Probably a therapist could figure this out. Or an analrapist. I’m not really that bothered by it.
FREEBIE FIVE IN ORDER OF INCREASING RAWR FACTOR
Reasons for list-worthy-status: Real-life-nerdy, not just television-nerdy. Seems really jazzed about things. Seems to have an actual sense of humor and uses multi-syllabic words correctly. Has a very sexy grin. Played a sexy cartoon in Tangled. Tall. Dark hair. No real-life wife or girlfriend that I am aware of so no need to make up a story about a tragic death so we can hook up. Probably would be able to fix your computer and then also have hot sex with you.
Reasons for list-worthy-status: Arrested Development. Freckles. Have had a crush on him since I was old enough to know what having a crush on someone meant. Seems to have some sort of immortality-slash-increasing-sexuality potion in which with each passing year he looks the same age yet gets more attractive. Sense of humor and intelligence. Understands sarcasm. Makes beautiful babies so has excellent genes. Would make you laugh so hard in bed you would snort, and he would find that fetching.
Reasons for list-worthy status: Firefly. Captain Tightpants. Castle. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Captain Hammer. “The hammer is my penis.” Loves his fans. Sense of humor. The fact that this photo exists. Total geek. Seems like a genuine nice man and so happy to be where he is and so grateful for what he has in life. Someone I know acted with him years ago and CONFIRMS, FIRST-HAND, that he’s a very nice man. Tall. Infectious enthusiasm. Seems like he would be so happy to have sex with you that he would work VERY hard at it, and would totally not only make you breakfast, he would send flowers the next day AND ask when he could see you again before he left your side.
Reasons for list-worthy status: Dawson’s Creek. Fringe. The Mighty Ducks movies. (SHUT UP he was ADORABLE in them.) The Funny or Die video he did where he was walking around pretending to advertise the Pacey Witter fan club. So tall it makes me tingle. Dating Diane Kruger in a totally adorable under-the-radar and not-at-all-douchey way. One time, gave an interview comparing Dubya’s presidency to the Yeats’ poem “The Second Coming”, and I seriously died right there, then came back only to die again, because HOW IS IT POSSIBLE SOMEONE THAT HOT CAN MAKE THAT KIND OF INTELLIGENT COMPARISON. Sparkly eyes. Low-key. Dapper. Looks like he would be very, very good in bed, in a smoldery-seducty-“I’ll read you poetry and it won’t be in the least bit twee and your panties will slide…right…off” way.
Reasons for list-worthy status: Moulin Rouge. Every movie where he’s ever taken his pants off. His singing voice. His adorable crooked grin. His accent. Sometimes he randomly wears guyliner and I have a weird weakness for that. The two documentaries he did with his friend Charlie where he drove around Europe and Africa on a motorcycle and was a goofy dork and was totally lovable and very human and had meltdowns, but never in a “I’m an ACTOR!” way, more in a “I’m a human being and it’s very hot and I’m getting kind of tired!” way so you loved him more for them. Sense of humor. So adorable with his wife and children. His acting talent, where he can completely inhabit varied all-over-the-map roles and be believable in them. His unbridled child-like enthusiasm. Seems like he would be very, very enthusiastic in bed. And would exhaust you. But it would be so good it would be worth it.
There! My five. Which could very easily change tomorrow. I’m totally fickle. The only one of these who hasn’t moved in about ten years is Ewan, by the way. My love for Ewan is very steadfast. WATCH HIM IN A NAKED MOVIE AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.