My Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades (Which Also Protect Me From Seeing Gross Bestiality)

First, I think it bears notice that yesterday, when I stated that I thought the crazy menagerie guy in Ohio freed his animals and then killed himself but that I see conspiracies everywhere so not to pay attention to me, that bit of news had not yet been released, so you totally SHOULD have paid attention to me. And since I was in New York at the time and therefore have an alibi and could not be complicit in the crime, the only thing to assume is that I am totally psychic and that I should be working with the police to solve crimes like on Medium, but I only watched one episode of that show, so I don’t really know how it worked because the one episode I watched seemed really stupid. So police! I will totally solve your crimes for you with my new-found psychic abilities, if you want, but with the following caveat: I probably will almost always be wrong. I will, however, expect to be paid a lot of money each time, no matter what the outcome is. Oh, and also I would like a drug-sniffing dog sidekick. Not because I think there will be drugs, just because I like dogs and don’t have one of my own, so it would be nice to have one at work. I request a pit bull, please. His name should be Mack and he should be gold with a white spot over one eye and two different colored eyes and also white socks on three of his feet and white on the tip of his tail. It is ok if sometimes he wears a kicky bandanna. Also snacks will need to be provided, for both myself and Mack. Happy to help, of course. 

Second, Kickass McGee’s third day of wedding advice! I bet you thought I forgot. Nope. Just got caught up in the other post which was wicked-ass long and engrossing. Did I just go a little Maine there? I don’t know what that was all about. Weird. 

Anyway, today’s tip: Don’t bring your bestiality videos to the wedding. 

From Forever Wed

From Reuters, March 15, 1994: 


A British man was found guilty on Tuesday of having sex with a dog after a video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony. 

The 59-year-old lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding, but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of himself in sex acts with a neighbour’s bull terrier named Ronnie. 

The man said the 10-minute film shown to the jury had been an attempt at trick photography and featured only simulated sex acts. He will be sentenced after psychiatric and other reports have been made available. 

I…I don’t even have any smart remarks about this, honestly. This is just…um…well, I guess the best thing I can say about this is, by the spelling, it happened in Britain or Canada, probably? So it wasn’t an American? 

I also enjoy that he was all “It was a JOKE, you guys! I only PRETENDED to screw the pooch! Get it! Screw the pooch? WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING?????” Too late, Good-Time Charlie.

THIS IS HORRENDOUS, you guys. I am SO SORRY. Kickass McGee, I know, this is probably not at ALL what you want to be reading two days before you get married because now you’re worried one of your friends is probably doing the dog WITH a dog and that’s just an added worry. But I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD BE AWARE. 

Oh, also, I have been informed that these helpful wedding tips are a sure-fire way to get me onto a show called My Fair Wedding which I have never watched but it’s on the WE network which is also the Bridezillas network so how can it be bad? So listen, My Fair Wedding people, I am HAPPY to be on your show giving helpful tips like “don’t invite over kookaburras” and “look out for dog sex” if you want me. I think it’s an important service and how could I deny brides this on their important day? What kind of a person would do THAT I ask you?

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

One response to “My Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades (Which Also Protect Me From Seeing Gross Bestiality)

  • Rich Crete

    The best wedding tip I could offer would be do not invite the bride’s or the groom’s parents. Parents have screwed up more weddings than even Kookaburras. (I’ll have to get back to you on the dog-sex video stats) Especially 2 types of parents: divorced ones, who insist on bringing you know who, and the parents (read moms) who need control. The day is about the couple and not about the parents and their freeking drama.
    My divorced parents didn’t cause any scenes at my wedding and neither did my wife’s. Guess why?


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