There is some weird shit going down in Ohio today.
Ohio, you say? Whatever could be going on in Ohio? Ohio is such an innocuous state! Their motto is “With God All Things Are Possible!” I mean, really! What could POSSIBLY be happening in such a God-fearing state, home of the Wright brothers, where the state insect is the cheery ladybug, the state flower is the most benign flower known to man, the carnation, and the state song is “Beautiful Ohio,” for the love of Cincinnati?
Well, an entire jungle menagerie is on the loose, how about THAT.
Here’s the scoop. Yesterday, around 5:30pm, people started calling the Zanesville, Ohio, police department and saying there were wild animals roaming around the highway. Now, if I was a police officer and I got that call, I’d think, hmm, probably a deer, or maybe a coyote, or something.
Nope. Not in Ohio!
Lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels, and bears.
Now, what happened, you might ask? Was there a mass prison break at a zoo? Did a circus train go off the tracks?
NO ONE KNOWS.
Well, KIND OF. We KIND OF know. Here’s the thing. OHIO SUCKS WHEN IT COMES TO REGULATIONS ON WILD ANIMALS. So this weird rich guy, Terry Thompson, who just got out of jail on weapons charges or something, decided to randomly start a wild animal preserve. He gathered up the animals listed above (as well as at least a few others that were housepets – the only ones listed were orangutans and chimps, but “other severely wild animals” are mentioned, which is worrisome, what were they, honey badgers? Wolverines?) and started his own little personal menagerie.
AND OHIO DIDN’T CARE.
Nope! Not Ohio! With God, all things are possible in Ohio! Even owning your own personal zoo! Not a single law stopping you, in Ohio!
So sometime between Monday and Tuesday, Mr. Thompson died. It hasn’t been released how. I’m really hoping his face was eaten by one of his own animals because I hate animal hoarders. And SOMEHOW all of the cages of all of those animals got opened. Either this is a finely-orchestrated plot by a really intelligent member of the menagerie (coughhoneybadgercough) or Mr. Thompson decided to kill himself and his last action was to free his animals. Who knows. I see conspiracy theories on Sesame Street (Oscar is OBVIOUSLY the most intelligent denizen of that street so of COURSE the MAN marginalizes him by making him live in a GARBAGE CAN) so I wouldn’t take much of what I say too seriously, people.
The police began shooting the animals on sight last night. Jack Hanna was called in to help, but I don’t know how much help he’ll be at this point. I mean, these are wild animals running away from people with guns. Jack Hanna deals with cuddly things that pee on his shirt on Letterman. (Although I totally love Jack Hanna. Don’t get me wrong. I think he seems like the kindest, sweetest man, who just adores animals and loves his job. And he has the BEST job. I would cut off an ARM to have that job. Probably only my left arm, though. I don’t use it as much.)
Ohio, apparently, has some of the most lax rules and regulations on exotic animal ownership, and some of the highest death rates due to people being murdered creatively by exotic animals in the entire United States. WHO KNEW. This is really a statistic that should be presented to everyone who is thinking of moving to Ohio. I mean, people should know this. THIS should be the state motto. Not stupid “With God All Things Are Possible” which is just LAME and also NO ONE CAN PROVE IT’S TRUE. Also, doesn’t that fly in the face of separation of church and state? I mean, it’s about CHURCH and STATE. That seems to be the exact THING that “separation of church and state” is TALKING about.
Here, Ohio. I made this for you.
Ohio’s new state motto: “Ohio! You might be flayed and eaten by a tiger when you go out to get your mail. Ohio!”
That is totally jaunty. I think it will catch on. You can add more exclamation points if you want to. Or maybe an interrobang? Those are totally underused in this day and age and that saddens me.
Also, these two paragraphs in the article I linked to above, about another Ohio resident, really stood out to me. (Backstory, in case you didn’t click the link – he also had a menagerie, one of his workers was eaten by a bear, but he wasn’t charged with anything – it was deemed a “workplace accident.” Oh, OHIO.)
This summer, Mazzola was found dead on a water bed, wearing a mask and with his arms and legs restrained, at his home in Columbia Township, about 15 miles southwest of Cleveland.
It was unclear how many animals remained on the property when he died, but he had said in a bankruptcy filing in May 2010 that he owned four tigers, a lion, eight bears and 12 wolves. The U.S. Department of Agriculture had revoked his license to exhibit animals after animal-welfare activists campaigned for him to stop letting people wrestle with another one of his bears.
First, “found dead on a water bed wearing a mask and with his arms and legs restrained?”
This has every sign of being the work of that crafty honey badger again.
Also, people “campaigned for him to STOP letting people wrestle with another one of his bears?” Another one, because the first one was the one who ATE HIS EMPLOYEE? He was letting visitors WRESTLE BEARS? Is this a John Irving novel come to life?
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN OHIO.
At the end of the article, it says Ohio requires permits for bears, but has no regulations on other nonnative pets such as lions or tigers.
OK, I’ve said this before. I didn’t think I’d have to say it again, because who the hell isn’t listening when I give this excellent advice? But EXOTIC ANIMALS ARE NOT YOUR PETS. Here. I’ll do it in photos, if words are totally hard and hurting your head.
And here! Here are things that are OK. Ohio! TAKE NOTE OHIO.
If you think you can keep an exotic animal as a pet, this is going to be the last thing you see before you die.
The honey badger has a long memory, people. And the honey badger is badass. And DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT.
TODAY’S WEDDING TIP
Today’s wedding cautionary tale for Kickass McGee is one near and dear to my heart. Kickass McGee, please inform your betrothed that, should the two of you go ahead with the “shove cake in each other’s face” ritual, he’d better do it with decorum. Otherwise, there could totally be A WEDDING BRAWL. I’m not making this shit up. There is a precedent.
From the Chicago Tribune, August 3, 1993:
WEDDING CAKE RITE LEADS TO ARRESTS… OF THE NEW BRIDE AND GROOM
A bride and groom in Westport, Conn., got into a fight over the tradition of cramming wedding cake into the face of one’s beloved.
Tracey and John O’Donnell were arrested at their wedding reception Saturday for disturbing the peace. Tracey O’Donnell said her husband fed her the cake too roughly, after she had told him to take it easy, police reported. Fighting ensued when she responded in kind, police said. The couple was later released. They are due in court Sept. 14.
So, Kickass McGee, although I am highly against the tradition personally, should you CHOOSE to go forth with it, please caution your groom that if he decides to do any “cramming” that the retaliation will be swift and brutal, and unless he wants to bring your undoubtedly awesome wedding gifts to the pawnshop to pay for bail, he should probably nicely and romantically PLACE a TINY BIT of cake in your mouth, thank you much.
Also, I’m kind of in love with Tracey O’Donnell. She TOLD John to take it easy. He didn’t. So she responded in kind. I think she was completely within her rights. STOP THINKING SMUSHING CAKE INTO A BRIDE’S FACE IS A FUNNY TRADITION BECAUSE IT IS MESSY AND A WASTE OF DELICIOUS CAKE.