You get three important things today that are not even slightly related. Who’s the most generous? You’re WELCOME.
I’M MAD RACIST YO
At work a couple of weeks ago some kid prank-called one of the law firms we answer for. If I said the name of the firm, anyone local reading this would know them immediately and start singing their tv and radio jingle. They’re EVERYWHERE. Anyway, since they’re everywhere, and their phone number is part of the jingle, we get a lot of prank calls to that line. When I know it’s a prank caller, and a kid, I like to mess with them, because I know I’m not going to get in trouble for it. My favorite was the kid who said he was Justin Bieber. Our conversation went thusly:
Me: Law firm’s name, how can I help you.
Kid: I need a lawyer.
Me: May I ask who’s calling?
Kid: Justin Bieber. (giggles from the other kids listening in)
Me: Justin BIEBER? Justin, this is SUCH an HONOR. I can’t believe you’re calling! I’m your biggest fan. Can I get free tickets to your show the next time you come to town?
Kid: …um. No.
Me: Well, Justin, that is just so rude. I don’t think I’m your biggest fan anymore, and I don’t think I’m even going to have a lawyer call you back.
Kid: I’m Justin Bieber. (giggles in background)
Me: You already said that. Goodbye, Justin. You’ve broken my heart.
But the kid that called a couple of weeks ago was a jerkoff. Sometimes they’re nasty and I have to wonder where their parents are. No one’s overseeing these children?
Me: Law firm’s name, how can I help you.
Kid: You didn’t sing the jingle. SING THE JINGLE BITCH.
Me: Do you honestly have nothing better to do than to prank call companies on a weekend? By the way, kiddo, I have your number in the caller ID and the cops on speed dial, so I’d watch my mouth if I were you.
Kid: Legally you have to sing me the jingle, bitch.
So I hung up. And then he called back immediately.
Me: Law firm’s name. How can I help you.
Kid: I don’t want to talk to you again. I want your supervisor.
Me: You’re out of luck, kid. I’m the supervisor.
Kid: You’re a liar. You can’t talk to me this way. YOU HAVE TO SING ME THE JINGLE.
Me: If you don’t stop calling I’m going to report you to the police. (Side note: totally an empty threat. Cops could care less about prank callers. But it usually gets punk-ass kids off the phone.)
Kid: You’re mad racist, yo. BITCH. (hangs up)
I don’t know how it’s racist to not want to deal with a rude prank caller child who keeps calling me obscene names. Also, until he called me racist, I wasn’t aware he was a person of color. All callers are beige to me. I could care less what color the caller is. If you’re calling me a bitch and taking up my time with prank call that could be used actually taking a real call, I’m going to treat you like you deserve to be treated: like a boil on the ass of humanity, you little douche.
He didn’t call again. Kind of sad, really. My favorite comment came from the woman sitting next to me, who, when I told her I was mad racist, said, “You’re not mad racist. You hate all people, no matter what color they are, equally!” Yes, yes I do. +1.
So Shia LeBeouf was beaten up outside a nightclub in Vancouver by some shirtless man who punched him over and over in the head. I think I speak for most of America when I say, WE ALL WANT TO PUNCH SHIA LEBEOUF OVER AND OVER IN THE HEAD.
I don’t know if anyone remembers the movie Holes. Does anyone remember this movie? If you are currently making some sort of sexually-related Holes joke, you are an adolescent, and stop it. Holes is a really good movie. Not as good as the book it’s based on (Louis Sachar is a children’s book god) but it’s a good movie. And when I watched it, way back in 2003, I thought, hey, that Shia LeBeouf kid, he’s really good! Very watchable, quirky, I hope he makes it! I’d be interested to see what he does with his career! And I was just so pleased when he started getting roles in things, because he seemed like such a nice, down-to-earth, goofy kid.
What the hell happened, Shia LeBeouf? Apparently fame went to your head? You’re getting in car accidents and fights outside of nightclubs and throwing things at cameramen and just generally douching it up all over the place. You are a goofy kid who no one is ever going to take seriously as a badass. Did you catch derp from Megan Fox? WHAT IS GOING ON. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF AND THE REST OF US SO JUST STOP.
And NOW I find out he’s attached to play Ig Perrish in the adaptation of Joe Hill’s Horns. I AM NOT DOWN WITH THIS, HOLLYWOOD. I mean, if you weren’t a total cock, if we put your personality aside? Then yeah, I guess, looks alone, you might have a bit of what it takes to play Ig. Ig is kind of a goofy loser who everyone thinks is less than stellar. The old Shia could have played Ig. Stupid new annoying cocky Shia is going to annoy the hell out of me as Ig. All I can say is, they’d better cast a kick-ass Terry. Because if I don’t love Terry, I am AVOIDING THIS MOVIE LIKE THE PLAGUE. I know you were supposed to root for Ig in the book, and of course I loved Ig. But I ADORED Terry. So if you Hollywood jackholes cast someone like Bradley Effing Cooper as Terry I am going to come to your HOMES and punch you in the ESOPHAGUS.
THE MOST HELPFUL FRIEND EVER = MEEEEEEE
This weekend, one of my most favorite people in the cyber-world is getting married. I thought I would be a totally helpful friend and find her some do’s and don’ts for her wedding. Because listen, that’s what friends DO. They are HELPFUL.
Do you know how many “wedding horror story” sites there are on the Interwebs? Like a kabillion. Weddings are a FRIGHTENING BUSINESS. I feel REALLY BAD I didn’t start with these helpful tips Sunday like I planned but then I got distracted by shiny shit like I do and totally forgot. I hope those two days of missing tips aren’t going to be the days that contain the tips that would have SAVED HER WEDDING.
So, Kickass McGee*, today’s tip: Watch the Eff Out for Kookaburras.
Per Wedding Manor, this totally happened to a young bride named Leisa Z.
“The cake was set up on its own table just near the main bridal table and to our shock and horror there was a fairly large kookaburra sitting on the lower tier of the cake helping himself! Who knew kookaburras liked icing and fruit cake…to our dismay, it had not only dug a hole into the side of the cake but it had pooped on it as well! We managed to get the caterers to cut off the offending icing and replace with patched icing…we moved the cake to be more up against a wall so no one would notice.”
Now, I’m pretty sure Kickass McGee’s not getting married in Australia. I think she would have mentioned that. And I would have had her bring me back a boomerang. So maybe you’re thinking, this is a MOOT POINT. And maybe you’re thinking, WHAT THE HELL IS A KOOKABURRA.
This is a kookaburra. It is my favorite bird other than the hawk.
Why, you ask? Because in third grade we had to learn a song that went “Kookaburra lives in the old gum tree! Merry merry king of the bush is he!” AND I LOVED IT SO MUCH. And I sang it CONSTANTLY. So much so that my father remembers it TO THIS DAY. (Again, if I hear ONE SINGLE DIRTY BUSH JOKE I’m coming over there and PUNCHING YOU. Why are you so CHILDISH???) How can you not like a bird with such a happy name? Try to say that without smiling. TRY IT I SAID.
Anyway! So yes, sure, probably there will be no kookaburras at Kickass McGee’s wedding, and that’s a shame, because I personally think they’d make a great addition, but that point is neither here nor there. There might be OTHER types of birds at her wedding. AMERICAN birds. CROWS or SEAGULLS or some such shit, how should I know what birds will be there. THE POINT STANDS. BIRDS WILL SHIT ON YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT.
The solution? Well, it’s right in the story, if you read closely enough. “Who knew kookaburras liked icing AND FRUIT cake.” Aha! See! I’ve mentioned this before – THERE IS NO ROOM FOR FRUIT IN WEDDING CAKE. As far as I can tell, our little Australian friend Leisa GOT WHAT SHE DESERVED. Not only did she serve her guests HIDDEN FRUIT in an otherwise DELICIOUS CAKE, she WAS MEAN TO A KOOKABURRA. I’m pretty sure that marriage didn’t even last a year.
So, Kickass McGee, make sure your cake is fruit-free and you will be fine! Oh, and also, if a bird DOES happen to eat and shit on your cake, well, go ahead and serve it anyway, just patch it up with a little canned frosting. Worked for Leisa!
*Not her real name. But should be. For obvious reasons.