Yeah, I know, I totally promised you something sparkly awesome today. Sorry. I’ve been a little distracted because I’ve met my soulmate? And I’m finding it a little hard to concentrate because I’m imagining how fantastic our lives will be together?
Oh, FINE, I guess I can tell you who it is. I mean, what’s the harm, it’s not like he’s going to mind. We’re just that much in love. When it’s right, it’s right.
I am in love with Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation. See him up there? Yeah, I know, he’s super-hot. But you can’t have him. HE IS ALL MINE SO BACK RIGHT OFF.
See, I’ve always liked Ben. I’ve always liked Ben very much. But this week? I realized Ben and I were MEANT TO BE. Because Ben TOTALLY GEEKED OUT. TWICE. It was the best thing ever.
Mostly, Ben is good at being the straight man for the shenanigans that are happening in the Parks and Recreation office in Pawnee, and this makes for some awesome moments, like when he didn’t realize what all of the fuss was about Lil’ Sebastian:
This probably doesn’t amuse you at all unless you watch the show and if you don’t watch the show, you don’t even know who Lil’ Sebastian is. And that makes me so sad for you. I promise it’s the best. Just watch it. You’ll see.
ANYWAY, back to the reason I’m totally going to marry Ben. So Thursday, he geeked out about Game of Thrones. Donna asked him what was wrong, and if they’d cancelled Game of Thrones (because everyone picks on him for his geekiness) and his answer was the best thing ever. VERY haughtily, he replied: “No. And they would NEVER cancel Game of Thrones. It’s a crossover hit! It’s not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They’re telling human stories in a fantasy world.”
And listen, when I went searching today for the exact wording of this, I found some chick with a totally entertaining Tumblr who said SHE was going to marry Ben. Well. This is upsetting news. I called dibs. Thursday night. On Twitter. HE IS MINE, TUMBLR GIRL (whose Tumblr was totally entertaining and who I’m just about to stalk on Twitter now because I think we should become friends but don’t think for a MINUTE that means I’m going to let my guard down around you! Not for ONE MINUTE!)
Then, Donna and Tom forced Ben to go to the mall with them for “Treat Yourself” day (TREAT! YO! SELF!) – where they purchased insanely expensive things for themselves – but all Ben bought were white athletic socks. “I needed them,” he said. When they asked him what the one thing was that he could buy himself to make himself happy would be, if money weren’t an object – because it was TREAT YOURSELF DAY AND SOCKS DON’T COUNT, BEN – Ben tried on, purchased, and wore this out of the store.
BEN TOTALLY TREATED HIMSELF WITH A BATMAN COSTUUUUUMEEEEEEE
Then he cried a lot because he was lonely, which was just funny because it was Batman crying, but that’s neither here nor there.
Also, I was having a lot of trouble finding a photo of this until I found it on ANOTHER Tumblr and there’s some OTHER girl who thinks she’s marrying Ben. Um, this is totally getting out of control. I CALLED DIBS. That’s like, legal and shit, right? Do I need to get a lawyer involved here? NO, I don’t know a LAWYER. No, wait, I am totally friends with a lawyer on Twitter. And I worked on a play once with a lawyer and I think we’re still friends on Facebook. And I’m sure if I contacted either of them and said “Hey, I called dibs on Ben Wyatt last night and now all these OTHER people say they’re going to marry him so can you get them to cease and desist for me?” THEY’D BE ALL OVER THIS TOTALLY EGREGIOUS TRAMPLING OF MY RIGHTS. So BACK OFF, Tumblr chicks. Do I need to create a damn Tumblr just to TAKE YOUR TUMBLRS DOWN? Because I WILL TOTALLY not do that at all because that sounds like it would be a lot of work, actually, and I’m really tired and also have a wedding to plan.
So, Ben Wyatt is a total nerd? And also adorable in that cute lost puppy way? And loves math and uses multi-syllabic words CORRECTLY? You just know he’d know how to use a semi-colon; I bet he uses them with abandon. What’s that sound? Oh, just MY OVARIES EXPLODING. Please ignore that.
Yes, yes, I realize that there is a REAL PERSON behind Ben Wyatt. Eh. Whatever. I don’t want Adam Scott. I’m sure he’s lovely, it’s just that I want BEN WYATT. Also, IMDb tells me that Adam Scott is ALREADY MARRIED AND HAS A CHILD. Well. See? That’s a buzzkill. BEN isn’t married. BEN is totally available. Well, ok, not “available” as much as “in love with me and we’re going to be very happy together and have a little house and dogs and probably also fish because I like the idea of having a fishtank but always forget to take care of fish so they die and I can’t have that on my conscience but Ben would be so responsible about those fish that having them would work out once we were married.”
Also, IMDb gets points for telling me that Adam Scott, and therefore also Ben, is 5’10. Well, I usually like men at least 6′ tall? Because I’m pretty tall and I like men taller than me, for whatever reason? But I’ll make an exception in this case. Because he looked shorter on my television, so this was a happy discovery. Also, Adam Scott is six months older than I am. I have no idea how old Ben is. It’s one of those things we’d discover about each other over long talks and Firefly marathons and snuggling on winter mornings and Trivial Pursuit games until 3 a.m. because we’re having too much fun to go to bed. Oh, and he would totally join my book club with me so we could read the same geeky books at the same geeky time and have spirited discussions about them. This is just going to be the best romance ever, you guys. Aren’t you the most excited ever for me? If not, WHY NOT. That’s kind of a dick move, actually, not wanting me to be happy. What? What’s that, mutterer in the back? Don’t think I can’t hear you. Oh, he’s NOT A REAL PERSON? Yeah? YOUR MOM’S NOT A REAL PERSON. What? “That doesn’t even make any sense because then you wouldn’t exist because in order for you to have been born, your mother had to have been a real person?” Yes. EXACTLY. Think about THAT the next time you want to be SNIDE about my totally awesome new romance that’s the shiniest romance ever, Killjoy McQueen.
So don’t be at all surprised when you get my wedding invitations in the mail. Well, SOME of you. Some of you aren’t getting ANYTHING. Because you’re totally rude about my awesome new love interest who is MADE OF WIN.
Added Ben picture! Because I can! People in love can totally put in added pictures!
Look at that face. That is the face of someone who’s in love with me. WHAT? IT IS. SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE HATERS.
(Because I’m not a total dick, the Tumblrs I’m mentioning are Bavardage and Lothorn. AND the totally awesome Ben Wyatt: Human Disaster. Who also might want to marry Ben but isn’t as in-your-face about it, and if you want to see EVERY FACIAL EXPRESSION BEN HAS EVER MADE ON PARKS AND REC? Yep, she seems to have them. Thank you for the research, images, etc. But that’s as far as it goes. Don’t go assuming we’re BFFs! HE’S ALL MINE, LADIES. Also, the title? Totally a Ben quote. You love him now, too. You can admit it. You just can’t have him.)