OK, listen. I’m writing this Thursday night. In half an hour, Community starts. I have to be brief. But I don’t want to leave you in the lurch! That would be the MEANEST. Where would you turn? Porn and smoking the dope and who KNOWS where it would lead!
So I’m taking the lazy person’s way out today and you get one of these annoying “answer questions about yourself” things but not as annoying as the one I did a while ago where it NEVER ENDED. This one’s less painful.
I KNOW, I should totally write this Friday! But work is KICKING MY ASS INTO NEXT WEEK this week. Which is kind of an impossibility but whatever. I haven’t had a chance to go to the BATHROOM in a timely fashion since Monday. IT HAS BEEN INSANE. Also, you know who I want to strangle? People who leave shit until the last minute and then assume you are happy to help them out of their jam. I AM NOT HAPPY TO HELP YOU WITH THAT. In fact? FURIOUS.
So here. I KNOW. I SUCK. Whatever, tomorrow’s post will be all shiny kitten rainbow scratch-and-sniff stickers for you guys. Or maybe not, what do I look like, a fortune teller? Sheesh.
1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Why are you assuming I am currently a homeowner? That’s kind of presumptuous. This is a totally shitty economy, buckaroo, and it wouldn’t be beyond the realm of possibility that I live in my car, or in a storage shed on the sly.
To SORT OF answer your question, I would build my FIRST house in New York City. Because I assume I’m totally independently wealthy in this scenario, are we understood? And then I would watch every theater production and concert that my heart desired and read a million books and constantly go shopping and be a lady about town.
2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING?
A hoodie that’s so worn-out that the elbows are missing, a pair of pajama pants I bought a while ago that are the most comfortable things ever put on the human body, and a ringer tee that says “Reading is Sexy.” I mean, not that I ever wear them all at the same time, though. That would be insane. And I of COURSE don’t wear them OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. What do I look like, a heathen?
3. THE LAST CDs YOU BOUGHT?
4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Depending on the day, anytime between 6 and 9 a.m. No matter what time I go to bed. I have a little trouble sleeping. Also the cats are assholes and wake me up.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
I’m going to be totally gauche and say my George Foreman grill. Listen, I hate cooking meat in a pan or in the oven, HATE IT. The George Foreman grill makes cooking meat easy for me. Is it a totally classy kitchen appliance? No, it is not. But I love it.
6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I would love to be able to play the guitar. However, I strongly suspect I’m tone deaf. Anyone who’s ever heard me sing, I think, would back that assumption.
7. FAVORITE COLOR?
I think this is a stupid question for anyone over the age of 5. Who has a “favorite” color anymore? I like green, because it makes my eyes look greener. But I also like black, brown, purple, cream, and blue. So I refuse to answer. I WILL NOT BE TIED DOWN GOOD SIR.
8. WHICH VEHICLE DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR, MOTORCYCLE, OR SUV?
Whatever starts when I turn it on and stops when I turn it off. I also like brakes that work. Air conditioning is nice, but I’ve lived without it for two years so I suppose I can a little longer.
9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE?
I am not arrogant enough to think I know what happens to us after we die. Best guess? Worm food. But would I like to be pleasantly surprised? Sure. Who wouldn’t?
10. FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK?
That’s like asking me to choose my favorite penguin from a crowd of penguins. I LIKE THEM ALL. No, that’s not true, not ALL. But a lot. I like too many to narrow it down. I’ll give you one: Berkeley Breathed’s A Wish for Wings That Work. There. I hope you’re happy.
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Fall. Fall, and only fall. The other seasons can bite me. Well, not spring. Spring, you’re ok with me. But the other two are SO NOT OK.
12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
I do. And it’s none of your business. NO, it’s nothing embarrassing. It’s just none of your business.
13. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Oh, FFS, I have no idea. So I took this quiz, because it was on a site that said “All the Tests” and that made me laugh, and it says I want to be a empath. Well, that’s just stupid, I could care less what shit’s going through your mind, because it’s probably so annoying and full of garbage I could just vomit. I don’t know. Speed might be nice, I guess. Flying. Super-intelligence. Ooh, how about a super-human sense of direction? Is that a thing? Because I get lost coming home from a job I’ve had for six years, sometimes. That. I WANT THAT.
14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Oddly enough, scarves? And paper towels? But only those. When I was in high school, I was so bad at gym they assigned me to help the special ed class at the elementary school with their gym class three times a week instead of attending my own gym class (no, I’m completely serious, I WAS THAT BAD) and then they assigned this other girl, E, to work with me, and E was AWESOME, and the gym teacher who was there was super-old and kind of senile, and one day decided that E and I needed to learn circus tricks because the kids would like those. I don’t know either. So E learned to use two sticks to flip around a third stick and I learned to juggle scarves. The kids didn’t care, by the way. And also, the kids were awesome, and always so happy to see us, and so sweet. It was a lot of fun and I always enjoyed helping out, even if the gym teacher was a little off.
15. ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
I hate these questions because they get very personal and that’s really kind of none of your business. My paternal grandfather. That’s all you get. Move on, chuckles.
16. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
Why, what have you heard? WAS IT GROWLING? Because I am pretty sure I heard growling the other day. SHIT SHIT SHIT THE MONSTER.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Sunday. Only day I don’t work.
18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Sushi. I don’t care for beef.
19. FROM THE PEOPLE WHO NORMALLY READ YOUR BLOG, WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?
Wait, someone’s supposed to “respond?” What do you mean, “respond?” Comment? Do you mean comment? How the hell would I know who would comment first? What a weird question.
20. ON WHICH BLOG DID YOU FIND THIS MEME?
Honestly, I don’t know? I did a Google search and this one seemed the least offensive. SORRY. I TOLD you, I am mentally FRIED. This is the best you get from me today.
21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?
Daisies, roses, tulips, snapdragons. I’m not picky. Anything but lilies. They smell like death and make me sneeze. Why, are you getting me flowers? Kickass.
23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?
Of the day? Or, like, that I’ve ever eaten? SO VAGUE. I like breakfast. But diner breakfast. Greasy awesome diner breakfast. Waffles, bacon, eggs, a big glass of milk. That kind of covers both favorite meal of the day and favorite meal, so are we good?
24. DESCRIBE YOUR PJS.
Perv much? YOU describe YOUR PJs. Wait, don’t, I don’t want to know.
25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST?
Um. Sorry, I spoiled this one above. I SUCK AT THIS SO HARD.
26. DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?
I love my job! I love all the people there! It is all rainbows all the time! Tra la la! (For an alternate answer, because I don’t want to get fired, and this will confuse anyone but the MOST INTELLIGENT READERS, please take a very long time and unscramble these words: YM BOJ SCUKS SSA)
27. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB?
To not work. Oh, FINE, to work – and get paid for working – in a theater.
28. WHAT AGE DO YOU PLAN TO RETIRE?
“Plan?” Never, I guess. I don’t know that I’ll be able to. Walmart greeting at age 89, here I come!
29. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
30. SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
Something small(ish): visit Maine.
Something bigger: adopt a dog.
(Do I need to cite where I got the title from? How do you not already know? One of my favorite songs ever. “THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE!”)