Dear Lucy, Volume Three. Now with super-duper added helpfulosity.

You need some help, you guys. BUT YOU WON’T ASK FOR IT.

OK, for the last two months, I have been writing very helpful advice columns which address serious issues that people totally need assistance with. But yet again, this month, I have not had a lot of people who are taking advantage of my super-good and not-at-snarky advice! I mean, I have MORE people asking questions, due to my super-awesome uptick in well-deserved popularity that I credit to the awesomeness of WordPress, but still NOT ENOUGH. What do I have to do, give away prizes? I AM NOT GIVING AWAY PRIZES ON TOP OF ALREADY GIVING AWAY FREE ADVICE THAT YOU’D HAVE TO PAY A LIFE COACH FOR ELSEWHERE YOU YAHOOS. YOU should be giving ME prizes for sharing my life wisdom and general all-around awesomeness.

But FINE, I’m going to step it up a notch this month and these questions are going to be answered with SO MUCH HELPFULNESS you’re not even going to BELIEVE it. And you’re going to think, DAMN, how can I get in on this? You can send me your QUESTIONS, is how. I want so many questions I have to pick and choose and some questions get left by the wayside because there were SO MANY AWESOME QUESTIONS that I could NOT use them all. Come on, people, step lively. Sometimes I wonder about you, seriously. Have you had your thyroids checked?

Dear Lucy, Volume Three

(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column) 

Q:         Why can’t people understand that tastes (music, tv, clothes, etc.) simply differ and that insulting anyone because of their taste is not only rude but completely nonsensical as well? – TROLL EXHAUSTION

A:         Nice start, TE! Here is something I am going to teach you right now. It’s important and not a lot of people will tell you this, but BAM, I totally will because I AM STEPPING UP THIS MONTH. Ready? Are you sure? OK, here goes. EVERYONE THINKS THEY ARE THE ONLY PERSON WITH GOOD TASTE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It’s true! Tell someone you like, oh, I don’t know, reruns of Saved by the Bell, and watch the little look of disgust cross their face. Because THEY would be watching something BETTER. People are totally rude, TE. Here’s the thing, though – your taste is your taste, and if it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else, screw the haters. You know what I like to do? When they make that face, like “I cannot BELIEVE you like SCI-FI that is so PASSE” I like to do one of two things: ask them what they like, and tear it down so badly that they are weeping when I’m done, because my command of the English language and the innate snark therein is second to none and they have NO defense against me when I get going, NONE, and then say, “How’d that feel, douchecanoe, does your own medicine taste BITTER?” but that takes up a lot of time and energy I could be spending doing something more enjoyable; OR just laugh to myself and then talk about it with other awesome like-minded people who appreciate my good (hell with good, it’s EXEMPLARY, as I’m sure yours is) taste.

Q:         What is a sly way to find out if a girl like me?–REYNARD

A:         The use of the word “sly” in this question completely and totally slays me, Reynard. Well! You asked; I’m here to help. Sly. OK, well, if you want sly, you got it. I AM HERE TO HELP YOU. But first, I have a question I need cleared up. Do you want to know if a girl “likes” you as in she might want to ride your pocket rocket? Or do you want to know if a girl is “like” you, akin, similar, has tastes and mannerisms that mirror your own? I’m going to assume you mean “likes” you because if you want a sly way to know if a girl is “like” you I’d say just look at her?OK. Here. A plan. Slyly, wearing a disguise (I recommend a trenchcoat, shiny patent-leather businessman shoes, one of those scary masks from Eyes Wide Shut, a hat where you can put two cans of beer on it and take drinks while you walk – just in case you get thirsty while being sly – and a LOT of cologne) walk up to your intended. In a false voice, say “Excuse me, madam, did you hear the news? Reynard has died in a freak combine accident. VERY bloody. He was saying a young lady’s name when he died. Whose do you think it was? Whose would you LIKE it to be?” Then twirl your fake goatee (SHIT I forgot to tell you to wear one of those – hell, Reynard, I can’t be expected to think of EVERYTHING for you, can I? Take a little initiative, my good man!) and listen to her answer. If she tearfully cries out your name and then her own, hoping your last words were the dulcet tones of her name – you’re in, and start humping her leg like there’s no tomorrow. But don’t take off the disguise. STAY IN CHARACTER FOR THE LOVE OF PETE REYNARD. If she truly loves you it won’t scare her at ALL that a crazy weirdo is humping up on her and she won’t shiv you or call the cops. Oh, and if when you ask the question and she laughs in your face and says “What the hell, Reynard? Why are you dressed like a mental patient?” then I’m sorry, you’ve slyly discovered that her heart is like ice toward you. GODSPEED REYNARD.

Q:         Who doesn’t like cake? –JUST DESSERTS

A:         This is a frightening question, JD. Truly chilling. I’m assuming, from the way it’s phrased, that someone in your life, someone you know, A REAL PERSON, doesn’t like cake. And this is just terrifying. This person is most likely a cyborg, JD. A stone-cold killer robot. Are you in the room with this person right now, JD? You are, aren’t you. Very, very slowly, JD, pretend you’ve dropped something on the floor, get down, and start looking for it. Slowly, ever so slowly, let your search lead you to another room. Once there, RUN, JD. Run like your life DEPENDS ON IT. Because it does. It most certainly does. Because the only people who don’t like cake are SOULLESS VOIDS LACKING ALL HUMANITY. I hope you’re alright, JD. Please let us know, and let us know if where you are, there’s cake. And if so, what kinds? And can you send us some?

Q:         I wrote a 25,000 word book do a 25,00 word book sells good?–FAMOUS AUTHOR

A:          I. Um, I don’t. Should I – I. No. OK, FA, well, an average blog entry for me is approximately 1,000-2,000 words. Granted, I talk too much. But that would be like me publishing 25 of my blog entries and calling it a book. Each of them is about 3 pages long. So that would be about 75 pages long? I don’t think your book is long enough. I’m sorry, please let me rephrase in grammar you can understand. 250,0 sells good no! Write more good wurds? (I TRIED, YOU GUYS, I TRIED, but seriously? With the 25,00 and the “sells good” and the wrong verb tense? I couldn’t! I COULDN’T. If you could have, well, you’ll be going to heaven and I certainly hope you love your puffy white wings. I’m allergic to feathers anyway.)

Q:        How is it possible that music, even sad, melancholy tunes, can make me blissfully happy? –DIE FREUDE UND DAS WELTSCHMERZ

A:          That is a long pseudonym, DFUSW. But I like it. I like your chutzpah! I can’t answer this because I’m the same exact way. There is never a bad time for sad music. Happy times? Sad music. Sad times? More sad music. I love sad music. Happy music actually depresses me, because then I start thinking, why am I never that happy? What does THAT singer have that I don’t have? WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU WALKING ON SUNSHINE YOU FREAK????? Then I get all stompy and shit. I don’t know the answer to your question, other than to tell you that obviously, since we are similar in this, I don’t have to slyly find out if we are like. BECAUSE WE ARE.

Q:         What does it mean if a guy says your lips look really soft? –HOMESCHOOLED IN UTAH

A:          I’m going to speak softly, so as to not scare you off, honey, ok? Are you good? All’s well? Things going great? Good. OK, comfy, HIU? Listen, this is going to be a little scary? But that guy? Wants to either play naughty hotel maid with you, or cut off your lips and saute them in a pan with some nice thyme and onions? Either way, it’s best if you move on. Quickly. No time for pleasantries. Go go go GO, HIU. Also, for further information, I recommend reading Deliverance? Look out for the part where they say “He got a real purty mouth, ain’t he?” Because, samesies.

Q:         Why are some people unable to understand that I need my alone time and actually enjoy being alone? –GRETA GARBO

A:          Everyone thinks they know best. We kind of covered this above, GG. And in this case, they think that if you’re alone, you must be LONELY. Well, that isn’t true at all. I honestly am happiest alone, because people are suck most of the time. Sure, sometimes I feel the need for socializing. But then I realize, HEY, this is why I like my quiet apartment! Because people sometimes come into my personal space bubble and also say stupid things like “Nice weather!” and “What did you do different with your hair?” and when you say “I don’t know, brushed it?” LAUGH AND LAUGH LIKE YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST. Back to my hidey-hole! Tell those people to suck it, GG. If people can’t handle being alone and they need constant validation from other sycophants they obviously aren’t on your level of awesomeness.

Q:         How do I convince my mother to finally give up smoking?–COUGHING IN CHICAGO

A:          Your best bet is to get your mom to move to NY? Because here, cigarettes are like $10 a pack and also you can’t smoke anywhere indoors and if you smoke outdoors and any non-smoker walks anywhere near where you’re smoking they look at you like you just killed their baby even if they don’t even HAVE a baby because you dared be smoking and they caught the slightest whiff because HOW DARE YOU BE POLLUTING THE AIR YOU HEATHEN PIECE OF SHIT. She’d quit if she lived here. I think there might be 8 smokers left in all of NY state. It’s possibly why we’re in such financial hardship at the moment. NOT VERY WELL THOUGHT-OUT, LAWMAKERS!

Q:        How do you know if a guy really wants to hang out with you or if he just wants some? –16 GOING ON 17

How do u tell someone likes u more than a freind? –SEXXY BABBYSITTER

A:          OK, kiddos, I put these together to help you both out at once, because your questions are similar-ish. Also, SB, I think it would behoove you to look at the sentence structure and grammar 16GO17 is using up there? There’s a world of difference. Also, probably don’t use that screen name ever, ever again. KTHX. Anyway. 16GO17, SB, you’re entering the world of dating. It’s a tough place, filled with questions that are virtually impossible to answer. But I will help you! I’m happy to. 16GO17 – THEY ALL WANT SOME. And if they don’t, they’re probably a closeted gay man. But sometimes, the ones that want some ALSO want to hang out. Look for one of those. SB, again, your lack of command of basic grammatical skills makes me wonder if you want to know how to tell someone YOU like them more than as a friend, or if you want to know if someone ELSE likes you that way. I’m going on the assumption that it’s the latter. See my advice above for Reynard. ACTUALLY, *lightbulb* – you and Reynard seem like you might hit it off beautifully. Stick around after the show, I’ll hook you two crazy kids up.

Q:         Why do some people whose mother tongue is English confuse then and than? I encounter this so often now; it just bugs me. –GERMAN GRAMMARIAN

A:          Ah, GG, you’ve outed us. English speakers, as a rule? DON’T LIKE RULES. Nope! See, we came to this country (well, the American ones, anyway, and I’m pretty sure we’re the ones you’re referring to, because I know quite a few Brits and they’re pretty precise with their grammar, I’ve noticed!) to get AWAY from rules. And we’ve been rebelling ever since. Grammar is just one more thing to rebel against. Then/than? Their/they’re/there? A lot/alot? RULEBREAKERS, BABY! Oh, also a lot of people are very, very stupid, GG, and don’t pay attention in school. So it totally could be that, too. Don’t rule stupidity out.

Whew! I am EXHAUSTED. As you can see, I gave it my all. Don’t you feel totally enlightened and helped? Yeah, I thought so. NBD. All in a day’s work. You want in now, don’t you? Thought so. Send your questions along, email them, tweet them, comment them, hell, skywrite them, I don’t care, and maybe Dear Lucy can help YOU next time. I mean, unless she’s swimming through piles of helpful-question-related money, all Scrooge-McDuck-style. Which might very well be what she does when she’s not answering questions. I’ll never tell. That would be UNETHICAL.


About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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