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It Slices, It Dices, It Makes Julienned Fries – BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!!!!

I have now had my totally kickass awesome as-seen-on-TV grabber for three days and here are the things I have learned about it.

  1. It doesn’t really grab onto anything so pretty much anything you pick up falls right onto the floor. I suppose I could be using it wrong. This is not out of the realm of possibility.
  2. The cats aren’t digging it at all. I KNOW. I mean, you’d THINK they’d be SO EXCITED when I wiggle a toy mouse in front of them using my sort-of robotic arm. NOPE. They just wander off like it isn’t even awesome. And then the mouse falls out of the grippers anyway because they are suck.
  3. I don’t see how this really would be much help to anyone who’s in a wheelchair like on the packaging because it only extends your grip a few feet at most, and, as mentioned, drops everything it picks up. I have a lot of dented cans in my place now. I mean, I did before, too, but they’re totally dented now.
  4. On the package it said not to use it as a walking cane. Well, first, who would do that as it looks nothing like a cane at all, and second, now that you told me I CAN’T do that, it is ALL I want to do.

And now I have to apologize. I was SO EXCITED about my grabber that I forgot that last Christmas, my friends R & A got me the best as-seen-on-TV thing ever, which makes this grabber thingy which is totally misleading me in what it can and cannot do pale in comparison.

SNAZZY NAPPER.

Tell me you know about Snazzy Napper. IT IS THE BEST.

I heard about this online, and then watched the infomercial there. I never saw it on television. Which is a total shame, because I think if I had seen this on television, I would have DIED.

Here is the Snazzy Napper commercial. Please take the time out of your day to watch this. You will not regret it. I promise.

Now, apparently this has been parodied and Ellen did a segment on it and this is OLD NEWS now. Whatever. IT IS THE BEST. The best part of this commercial is when the person in the waiting room puts this on and the people on either side of her don’t even look up as if a crazy person is sitting between them. I’d be snapping camera photos of that insanity, but NOOOOO, not those dudes. Their magazines are totally engrossing, apparently. More engrossing than the Snazzy Napper.

Well, after R & A, who have the best senses of humor ever, sent me this as part of my Christmas package, I put on the Snazzy Napper. And here’s the scoop. SNAZZY NAPPER IS VERY HOT.

No, not “hot” like I want to make out with the Snazzy Napper. It’s made out of some non-breathable fabric and has a ton of iron-on appliques that are made of plastic so that makes it even hotter and it sticks to every bit of exposed skin you have and makes you sweaty. The nose hole doesn’t line up with your nose and so it’s like breathing under a blanket and you’re getting HOTTER AND HOTTER and also there’s a lack of oxygen because you’re breathing in your CO2 and you are probably DYING.

Here. Because I am HELPFUL I have some photographic evidence.

Hi.

This is me in the Snazzy Napper. This is photo 4,600 because none of them were turning out correctly due to lack of light or too far away or too close or what have you and as you can see I AM GETTING DEHYDRATED and my hair is doing a weird alfalfa thing. It is REALLY HARD TO TAKE A PHOTO WHEN YOU ARE WEARING A SNAZZY NAPPER. If I was getting enough oxygen I could have held the camera further away and maybe shown you the JUMPING SHEEP that are ironed onto the Snazzy Napper that you can kind of almost see in the corner there, that thing that kind of looks like a little cloud? But immediately after taking this I passed out for a little while. FROM HEAT EXHAUSTION.

As you can see, I kind of look like either I’m wearing a burka wrong or maybe I’m in the KKK wrong or a not-very-scary ghost. Whatever I’m doing, it’s wrong. On a lot of levels.

Now, I thought, you know what Snazzy Napper needs? Accessorization. EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH THE RIGHT ACCESSORIES.

Hi!

See, this one is exciting, so the “hi” gets an EXCLAMATION POINT!

This is totally better. Now I am JAUNTY. Now I’m kind of like a hipster Snazzy Napper. This is a hat my mother got me to wear when it’s really cold out. I like to tell myself it’s not made of real fur because that makes me feel better.

And, sidebar, it’s now an hour later and I AM STILL COVERED WITH FUR AND HAVING SOME SORT OF ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE HAT AND HAVEN’T STOPPED SNEEZING ONCE.

But seriously, so effing jaunty!

Now, if I sat down next to you in the waiting room looking like THIS would you keep reading your magazine?

Also, remember how hot it was without the sub-zero fur hat on? I don’t even want to talk about the heat issues, you guys. ALL FOR YOU.

Now listen, I don’t even own a Snuggie. I KNOW. I’m a total heathen. Did I talk about how I used to think they were called Slankets? I saw a commercial for them once and they were called Slankets, and I called them that and my roommate at the time informed me that they were called Snuggies and the KNOCKOFF version was a Slanket. I like Slanket better. It sounds redneckier. No, but seriously, I think Snuggies or Slankets or whatever you want to call them seem UPSETTING. I feel like they would be constricting and you would smother. I don’t like being too hot. Also I kind of feel like they’re a fluffy straightjacket. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to breathe. Also, aren’t they just a backwards robe? If that’s the case, why can’t you just wear your robe backwards? Or put on a blanket? I have a lot of blankets. I don’t see the need for a Slanketuggie. I know. I’m like ten years too late for my Snuggie rant. LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY.

But then I found out this is a thing and I don’t know, am I filled with glee or disdain?

I think a little of both. DOG WEARING GLASSES IN A LITTLE SNUGGIE READING A BOOK ABOUT HIMSEEEEEELLLLLFFFFF!

So of course, as you do, I thought, these Snuggie people! They will sell anything. BUT DO THEY DARE…

No, they don’t, really. Fooled you. This is a cat in a DOG Snuggie. AND IT IS PISSED YO.  This cat is totally going to eat your face when you’re asleep later. Or not save you from the troll in your walls. Why are you so mean? You deserve to have your breath stolen by the wall-troll if you put a dog Snuggie on your cat. One time my friend put a striped sweater on her cat and that sweater stole her cat’s mojo. The cat couldn’t leap or slink or ANYTHING. It was horrible to watch, so of course I laughed until I cried.

Listen, I am LOST when it comes to infomercials. It doesn’t matter what they’re for? I am immediately sucked in and want it. I want that Garden Weasel thing. Do I have a garden? Nope. Don’t even have a YARD. I want the Cricut, even though I’ve never scrapbooked and have no intention of starting. I even wanted those moving men things that you put under furniture. MY WHOLE HOUSE IS CARPETED. I’d be one of the people buying tonic off the back of a medicine wagon, back in the day. APPARENTLY, EVERYTHING SOUNDS FEASIBLE WHEN SOMEONE YELLS IT AT ME IN A HUCKSTERY TONE OF VOICE.

Want to be brought down to earth while watching an infomercial? Watch one with my father. He will DASH your infomercial DREAMS. And save you a ton of money, I’m sure.

My take/my father’s takes on:

The ShamWow:

Me: “I could totally use one of those because I am constantly spilling shit.”

My dad: “Those things wouldn’t even work to clean up a raindrop. Also I hate that guy SO MUCH.”

(Sidebar but OMG why didn’t anyone tell me that the ShamWow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker and then she bit him or something? Holy hell. You KNOW the EMT’s made ShamWow jokes about cleaning up all that blood when they picked him up, right? AWESOME.)

The Garden Weasel:

Me: “How handy would that thing be? I want one.”

My dad: “Yeah, handy if you want crap hanging around you’ll never use because you don’t have a yard. Also, I’m sure it doesn’t work.”

TV Listener Thingy:

Me: “You should get that because you’re old and you can never hear things.”

My dad: “I wonder if you ever get tired of your sarcastic mouth. You got that from your mother, you know. Also I got one and it didn’t work because that stuff is garbage.”

That fake grass that animals can pee on in your house:

Me: “I’m pretty sure if I died right now and God asked me, ‘what’s the grossest thing you ever saw while you were on my Earth, my child?’ I’d say, ‘that fake grass you have your pets pee on in your house that probably makes your house smell like a shitty sewer.'”

My dad:  “Yeah, I can’t even imagine that one made it past the stage where idiots are just yelling ideas out in a room full of other idiots.”

But NOW I have found my NEW FAVORITE THING. Magic Mesh! MAGIC MESH!

I don’t even want to tell my father because I KNOW he’ll punch holes in how awesome this no doubt will be. You know what’s the most magical about this? The clicking noise it makes when it closes. SO CHEERFUL. Also the dog knows how to use it so that’s a bonus. I’m pretty sure my cats would claw it to ribbons in like 4.2 seconds flat therefore letting in ALL THE BUGS and NEGATING THE MAGIC. But Magic Mesh! WANT WANT WANT.

I need an As-Seen-On-TV-tervention.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

8 responses to “It Slices, It Dices, It Makes Julienned Fries – BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!!!!

  • Cara E. (@fictionalchick)

    Stop watching the Hallmark Channel.

    Like

  • Anonymous

    Oh, Snazzy Napper, I had no idea that you existed. In less-enlightened parts of the U.S., I would be very concerned about you wearing this in public. People would mistake you for a terrorist/ghost/ninja. And you’d try to explain through the muffled hot house, “Look at the delightful sheep. I AM NOT A TERRORIST!”

    Like

  • Lisa galaviz

    That Snazzy napper looks like it could make someone die. Give me a call if you need me to fish you out of it with the grabber thing.

    Oh, and your cat looks PISSED.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That isn’t my cat, only because I don’t know where I’d buy a dog Snuggie, and also my cats would claw me to ribbons for even attempting to dress them in costumes. They aren’t much for having fun. They kind of just want to sleep and eat and attack my feet while I’m napping.

      Like

  • Duncan

    A Slanket/Snuggie is so you can move your arms around, without having to uncover them. Backwards robe is pretty much right! Now all I need are upsidedown pants, and I’ll be set!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I guess my place is never SO COLD that if my arm BRIEFLY CAME IN CONTACT WITH THE AIR OMGGGG I would DIE, you know? Where do Snuggie owners live, the Arctic? I mean, I wear a blanket, I need something, I take my arm out from under the blanket, I get it, I put my arm back under, and I have yet to suffer the effects of hypothermia. Because I have a HEATER. I think maybe people are a little too delicate flower for their own good.

      Like

  • Elaine Axten

    my dad bought me a slanket (or whatever). it was evidently exceptionally cheap, and made from what i can only describe as soft fibreglass. it possessed an impressive cache of static electricity while actually not being warming whatsoever.

    he seems not to have gleaned the idea that I LIKE NICE THINGS from any clues stated in word form or any other media. and yes, it does open at the back like a hospital gown.

    Like

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