I have been reading the news and I am totally disgusted and immediately need some sort of palate cleanser like fluffy kittens or something because seriously COULD THERE BE ANY MORE DEPRESSING SHIT GOING ON. Gah. Some woman faked a pregnancy, then freaked out because it was about time that she would be having her fake baby so she cut another woman’s baby out of her with an Exacto knife (ala Private Practice, so thank you for the instruction manual for that, Shonda Rhimes!) Some guy who died in prison ten years ago, known as “The Toy Box Killer” because he sex-murdered 40-some women after torturing them in a white trailer he called his “toybox” apparently has MORE victims that are just coming to light, so that’s a good time. Ugh, Toy Box Killer? No thanks. Although I do love a good serial killer story, don’t get me wrong, because I’m one sick puppy. One of the kids who murdered that family in Connecticut is being tried so that whole Helter Skelter insanity is back in the news. I AM SO DEPRESSED YOU GUYS MAKE IT STOP.
Don’t we want to talk about more cheerful stuff? NO, I don’t know what, what the hell do I look like, a cheerful crap dispenser? Like one of those quarter machines in the lobby of K-Mart that pops out a plastic bubble o’cheer? I DO NOT SHIT CHEER, PEOPLE. Neither the laundry detergent or the emotional state.
FINE. Here are some random things that cracked me up today because we need some cheer and since you seem to think I have it randomly shooting out of my orifices for some reason, I suppose it’s my duty to bring it to you.
POSTERIOR REGION SONG LYRICS
So this morning, I was driving to work, and the song “Head Like a Hole” came on, which I love (shut up, I know, I have no idea what my obsession with Nine Inch Nails is all about, I trace it back to being obsessed with the song “Something I Can Never Have” which I am STILL obsessed with and then buying the album and listening to it over and over so leave me right the hell alone, thank you, I’m not being judgey about YOUR taste in music, for all I know you’re all head-over-heels for the Biebs) and then I was thinking about how weird women’s butts are (I have a very random early-morning brain – see, some people drink coffee, and it wakes them up? I can’t have caffeine, so I don’t get that, so I have to wake up NATURALLY. And it’s NO FUN AT ALL and takes a REALLY LONG TIME) and that some people and I’m not naming any names but maybe one of them might be writing on this blog right now have no butt, no matter how much weight they gain? And some people have like what men think is the perfect butt, like those waste-of-air Kardashian women or that chick that used to date Timberlake that I can never remember the name of, Jessica something, Rabbit? I don’t know, FINE, I’ll Google it, Jessica Biel, SHEESH, and then some women have that unfortunate butt that’s kind of square at the top like a shelf and I always feel so bad because that seems like it would be uncomfortable to sit on? And then I was singing along to “Head Like a Hole” and started singing “Butt Like a Shelf” and that made me snort. And there you have insight into what the drive into work with me would be like. TONS OF FUN. Oh, and also I cuss a lot, like at asshats who cut me off in traffic. And sometimes I sing to the top of my lungs even though I sound like a cat being neutered without anesthesia. OH, and yesterday I saw a truck towing a trailer with a huge triangular sign/billboard thingy for the local strip club and it made me laugh SO HARD because it looked like it was art designed by a five-year-old and who has their five-year-old drawing strippers? And also it had an ad on it for a phone app you could get for the strip club. What would such an app do? Could you chat with the strippers, or like, digitally put virtual ones in their g-strings, or what? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
REALLY HORRIFYING CROCHET PATTERNS
So someone I know is having a baby soon, and that’s all I’ll say about that because I promised I would not say word one more than a very vague mention until it’s known to the world. And because I love this person more than pretty much everyone, I want to make that baby the BEST AFGHAN EVER. I am a very good crocheter and make afghans when people have babies or sometimes just because I love them. But I don’t want to make a TYPICAL afghan, I want to make a KICKASS afghan. But in looking up afghan patterns, I found a lot of afghans that were worrisome and I’m pretty sure would give the kid nightmares? Which I don’t want to do because I plan on loving the kid just one step below my own nephew?
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings where I found these on the very nice pattern site so I won’t insert photos because then what if they kicked me off? I need free patterns.
Afghan patterns I found:
- A turtle without a head or front legs, just back legs
- A misspelled religious quote
- A graphic depiction of a mother breastfeeding
- A tiger with serial killer eyes
- Sock monkeys WITH SHARP TEETH
Some of these reminded me of the Simpsons episode where Homer made Bart that clown bed and it was so nightmare-inducing he couldn’t sleep because the clown would eat him.
So rest easy, baby! I will not be making you something creepy. I have it narrowed down to a handful of awesome ideas that will make you happy and sleep well because I love you already and you’re just a fetus. Imagine how much I’ll love you when you have bodily functions and appendages and can breathe on your own!
I got an email today for a function where there will be desserts and hors d’oeuvres. Only it was spelled wrong throughout. Here’s an exerpt:
“Won’t they be so excited when they come into the break room and see all those deserts? I know I would be excited to see that many deserts in the break room! Also we will have whore d’erves. I am bringing in whore d’erves, and other people are bringing in deserts. We’ll have a whole break room of whore d’erves and deserts! So don’t bring your lunch because you’ll be full of whore d’erves and deserts by the end of the day!”
Yes, the use of the word whore? Always a total hoot, especially in a company-wide email. But I liked the idea of people entering a break room and all of a sudden, WHOOSH, it’s the DESERT. Tumbleweeds! Cacti! Buzzards! Snoopy’s brother! Mirages! Desperadoes! SO MANY DESERTS YOU GUYS SO MANY.
People have a hard time understanding that running the spell check doesn’t always catch misspellings. I’m a stickler and I miss crap sometimes, and then I’m looking over old posts and I’m all CRAP PEOPLE MUST THINK I’M THE STUPIDEST.
Oh, and speaking of embarrassing typos, in keeping with the bargain he made to keep me informed of insane crap going on up north, my father informed me that in yesterday’s paper, on the front page where it tells you the date and weather and such, it said it was “MONDY OCTOBER 10.” Well! Mondy. That’s shiny! Nice catch, guys.
I don’t know what the deal is with WordPress vs. Blogger, but Blogger seems to have better spam prevention. I have gotten about 15 spam comments in the past week and a half on here, and never got one in four months on Blogger. Some are just stupid, but some try SO GODDAMN HARD TO SOUND LIKE THEY’RE NOT BOTS. Like, they’ll comment “You are so smart and obviously knowledgeable about this topic. I will be a reader of your blog from now on. I can’t believe how much I’ve learned.” Nice, right? ONLY THE BLOG ENTRY THEY’RE COMMENTING ON IS ABOUT HOW I CAN’T FIND A DATE. Well, now I’m offended, because not only is that totally not a “smart” entry (and let’s be fair, I have maybe five smart entries on here, and you really have to search for them), saying I’m knowledgeable about my forever-aloneness is the MEANEST, you effing spambot. Also, I don’t want to buy your acne medication so screw you and your spammy website. WordPress! Maybe steal Blogger’s spam protection?
OK, there are four cheerful things. Are you cheered? Well, don’t read the news, Seriously, that will just put you in a pit of despair. OH! Speaking of which! Here’s something that will cheer you up IMMENSELY. And also make you feel old, but whatever, I already do, it’s only fair that you all do, too.
The Princess Bride is twenty-five years old, you guys!
I don’t have my Entertainment Weekly with me, and Google isn’t playing nice, but you need to read it for Mandy Patinkin’s quotes alone. Have I mentioned how much I love Mandy Patinkin? The answer is THE MOST. I bought FRONT ROW TICKETS when he and Patti Lupone came to town recently and just grinned like a moron the entire concert and pretended when he looked over in my direction he was looking right at me. LOVE HIM.
See? There ARE cheerful things in the news. Just don’t click on that Toybox Killer link up there. Ugh. TOYBOXES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUN HAPPY TIMES YOU WEIRDO.
(Side note: Happy National Coming Out Day! I love every single one of you in the LGBTQIA community. I hope you are able to come out in a safe and loved environment and know that you have support all around you!)
(Title courtesy of a Ryan Adams song. Ryan Adams ALWAYS makes me happy. He should make you happy, too.)