Listen, I am totally sorry? But I’ve been doing this wrong.
Apparently, THERE ARE RULES FOR BLOGGING. Rules that I have been ignoring! All willy-nilly! Why didn’t you all tell me this? This is so embarrassing, I can’t even tell you.
I mean, I’m all for breaking the rules. I haven’t driven the speed limit on the highways running through the area since I moved here almost ten years ago. I feel speed limits on highways are more “guidelines”? And as long as you’re keeping up with the speed of traffic and not blocking the passing lane and not driving all aggressively like cutting people off and weaving and acting like maybe there’s a bee in your car or something, you’re golden. So don’t talk to me about RULES. I’m totally a rule-breaker.
But there are blogging rules? Am I on the blogging blacklist now? This is just the worst. At the gigantic annual meeting of all the bloggers are they bringing my name up like “Amy from Lucy’s Football, she is NOT STICKING TO THE RULEBOOK?” Wait, is there a meeting of the bloggers? I want to go. Is that what that BlogHer thing is that everyone talks about? Because I think I would completely rock something like that. I’m very good in meetings. I have helpful commentary and ideas and only doodle a slight bit on my agenda and always put my phone away unless things are getting totally boring.
And also, listen, I don’t mean to be a total tattletale, or anything, but a LOT of you aren’t sticking to the rules. There are RULES and we are NOT STICKING TO THEM, fellow bloggers. I mean, this could be detrimental and could cause side effects like a drop in readership or perhaps genital warts.
So as to help us all get back on track, I’m going to post the rules that I found in totally reputable places online like on WikiHow and some random teenager’s blogs? And probably we should start being a little better about sticking to them. Because RULES are there for a REASON. I mean, where would we be without rules? People would be stabbing each other in the neck and there would never be enough sale items at the grocery store if we didn’t have rules, and we totally can’t have that.
Rule #1: Don’t be rude when blogging because that will make you unpopular or popular with rude people. You don’t want rude bloggers or readers participating in your site.
Crap, I wish I had known this months ago. I would have started a whole series on kittens riding unicorns who shit rainbows and then I would have a lot less rude people participating in my site. It is SO UPSETTING how rude you all are, seriously. I can’t even SLEEP at night with your rudeness. I mean, I don’t want to make you feel bad, but rules are rules, you guys, and it’s obvious I’ve lured the rudest people alive here with MY rudeness so it’s like an endless circle-jerk of rude. I’m all “WHY CAN’T THEY USE COASTERS WHEN THEY COMMENT” and “YOU’D THINK THEY WOULD WRITE ME A THANK YOU NOTE ONCE AND A WHILE.” It’s all my fault! Because of my rudeness! I am filled with chagrin.
Rule #2: Don’t post your blog link everywhere because it can actually seem rude if you appear extremely desperate to have visitors.
What the hell am I going to do with the 47,000 t-shirts and the 9 million bumper stickers I just ordered with a link to my blog on them? Again, I’m totally rude. Wow. I had no idea. This is just eye-opening, seriously. Also, I’m desperate. Well, this isn’t the first time I’ve been called that, is it, Rich from college who thought I was a stalker, am I right?
Rule #3: Only use first names if permission is given.
JAKE FROM COLLEGE, I MEAN. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I don’t even KNOW a Rich! Ha ha! I mean, who would use the real name of someone they knew? That’d be craziness. RUDE craziness.
Rule #4: To be honest, no one really cares about your personal life.
Well, screw you all very much, do you want me to talk about someone ELSE’S personal life? Because listen, other people are BORING AS SHIT. I mean, come on, do you WANT me to talk about my friend Jane Hannah who has three kids and mostly does kid-related stuff like sponge vomit out of the shag carpeting because that makes me SO SO BORED. Or do you want to hear about how the other day I almost gave the wrong directions to the highway to a totally adorable old couple until I realized it and then I felt so bad that I chased their car down as they were leaving the gas station and I’m pretty sure because they were from one of the middle states and think that this is the kind of town where we’re all in gangs and are robbers that I was going to carjack them they got totally scared until I told them I gave them the wrong directions and if they took 87 N they’d end up in Saratoga and not downtown Albany and that would be upsetting and then instead of thinking I was a gansta they just thought I was mentally challenged? You totally want the second story, don’t you. EVERYONE CARES ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE AND I REFUSE TO THINK OTHERWISE.
Rule #5: Blog on a specific subject.
Just so we’re clear? I don’t know enough about ANYTHING to blog about it day in and day out. Sorry. Really don’t. No idea at all. Can my specific subject be ALL SUBJECTS? Just like if I had a genie I’d wish for INFINITE WISHES? Or is that cheating? These rules are way too constricting, man. I need to feel the wind in my hair! Pass the bong.
Rule #6: Pictures are always a great idea.
Rule #7: Start with a useful and concise title.
Wow, I break this one constantly. Mostly because I am VERY EXCITED THAT I HAVE FINISHED A POST. And then I think of something AWESOME TO CALL IT. But that’s a REALLY LONG STRING OF WORDS. And EDITING IS HARD. So what the hell I put it all up there who gives a shit not THIS honey badger. Also, “useful?” Is someone going to cite it in their thesis or something? No, wait, are they? Because that would be the BEST THING EVER. Someone do that, please. Can you even imagine the length of that citation?
Rule #8: Be short.
No, here’s the thing. A lot of people are? And that’s great? But I have LOTS OF WORDS IN MY BRAIN AND I HAVE NO EDITING FUNCTION. Sorry. I like to just kind of explode in a glitter bomb of awesomeness all up in here. And people read it. I don’t know. I can’t explain it, either. Thanks, people, even though earlier we found out you’re only here because I’m rude and by extension so are you!
Or is this referring to my height? I’m actually kind of tall for a girl. Am I supposed to be shorter? Do you have to be a midget to blog? This is probably something people should know. Why don’t they say this when you’re signing up for a free blog?
Rule #9: Have at least one good piece of research.
I am all OVER this. My research sometimes consists of pie charts I made myself from HIGHLY SCIENTIFIC TWITTER POLLS or random data I plucked from places online and skewed to fit whatever I wanted to talk about or maybe stuff I made up myself. I WIN at research. Like, if there was an award for research? I’d win that. Blue ribbon for imaginary research to me!
Rule #10: Know what you’re talking about.
Um. Well, I know I’m talking about random crap. I usually find out via comments or from Twitter or from readers that I’m totally wrong? But that’s fine, whatever, it’s not like I’m hurt about it or anything and that I’ve spent HOURS writing something to ENTERTAIN YOU and you CRUSHED MY DREAMS. Sometimes I know what I’m talking about. I often know when people are being douchebags and am happy to help. Or when you’re grammatically incorrect. Would you like advice in either of those areas? Here I am. I CAN HELP YOU.
Alright, so STARTING TOMORROW, people, I expect you all to STRAIGHTEN UP and FLY RIGHT. These are the RULES OF BLOGGING. I mean, we totally have to follow these. The Men in Black might come to our houses and take away our WordPress passwords if we don’t shape up and then where would we be? Totally lonely and pathetic, that’s where. I expect BORING SHORT PHOTO-FILLED BLOGS from you all starting tomorrow, with CRISP TITLES in which you NEVER TALK ABOUT YOURSELF EVER.
Wait, what? Me? Yeah, right, no, I can’t follow these rules, sorry. Too many of them. Too confining. This bird you cannot change. I asked you to pass that bong like an HOUR ago, amigo, where the hell IS it, already.
(Title from Lord of the Flies – you see? You see what happens when we don’t follow the rules? KILL THE PIG CUT HER THROAT BASH HER IN, you guys. RULES ARE IMPORTANT! – and photo credit from this totally kickass website.)