I bet you wonder, Amy, what do you do when you’re not working? On a lovely Sunday, for example, when most people are out, oh, I don’t know, picking pumpkins, or having some sort of fancy brunch, or hanging out with significant others, what exactly are you doing?
Aw! Isn’t that flattering that you would care so much. And a little creepy, because why do you care so much? Are you planning on stalking me? Because I would not care for that, no, not one bit.
Well, I will answer you, because frankly, I am an oversharer.
Today, I read the paper, cut out coupons, watched Fringe, and thought about adages.
I know! I live the glamorous high life, yes? But listen. When’s the last time you thought about adages? I mean, really thought about adages. Because they are ANNOYING.
In case anyone’s reading this who doesn’t know what an adage is, it’s a saying that’s quoted often that’s recognized to have truth to it. For example, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Fine. Good. Grand. Wonderful. They are like idioms and very similar to aphorisms. If you want more information, Google it, stupid, I am not your professor. But would be happy to be if you wanted to send me some money!
But then I was thinking about other adages, and listen, they are STUPID. Do they have some truth to them? Sure. Sure they do. But I think they need some help. And who better to help old adages out on a gorgeous fall afternoon than me? No one, that’s who. YOU’RE WELCOME, ADAGES.
Adage: Beggars can’t be choosers.
No one told the beggars. Free shit brings out the most demanding people in the world. We offer six pay-what-you-will shows at my theater every year and you can’t even imagine the demands you get from some of those people. “I wanted to sit closer to the stage but someone’s already in that seat, can you tell them to move?” “Why aren’t you giving out free food, too? You really should give out free food.” “This show sucks. I can’t believe you’re even putting this on.” “Your toilet paper is really rough.” “What do you mean, there’s no intermission? That’s illegal.” IT’S A FREE SHOW THAT WOULD NORMALLY COST $15.
New adage: Beggars SHOULDN’T be choosers, and the only beggars that are choosers are total asshats.
Adage: Better late than never.
Nope. I hate lateness. To me, lateness is like telling the person you were meeting, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t be bothered to arrive on time. Your time, and the time we agreed to meet, are really more of a guideline to me than a rule. You’re not a priority in my life.”
New adage: Better never than late, and if you’re late, you’re dead to me, except for cases of hospitalization or alien abduction.
Adage: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
If someone’s giving me a horse, I’m immediately going to look in its mouth, because I don’t want some half-dead horse. Horse upkeep is totally expensive! I can barely afford to pay for the vet bills for my cats, can you even imagine how much a horse with dental problems might cost? And what kind of a rude bastard would gift someone a horse with dental issues? Might as well just pickpocket them from the get-go! I don’t want your damaged gift horse.
New adage: Always look gift horses in the mouth unless you’ve got money falling out of your asshole because horse dental bills are astronomically high.
Adage: Two heads are better than one.
Sometimes you’re saddled with someone idiotic, and much of your time is spent minding that person, and making sure they don’t play with pointy things or run with scissors or prank-call the police station, and you’re using up so much of your mental energy dealing with this time-sucker that you’re not getting the task at hand finished. In that case, one head is most definitely better than two.
New adage: Two heads are better than one, provided both heads are intelligent and can stay on-task, but if one head is a flake-ass, you should probably take him or her for a long walk in the desert and drive away when he or she is distracted by a mirage or something.
Adage: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I think this is a little outdated, isn’t it? Who’s going around catching birds by hand anymore? I don’t even HAVE any bushes around me. And why do I even have a bird in my hand in the first place? The poor thing is probably scared to death and it’s really cruel of me to be holding a bird when all it wants is to fly away. Also, you can’t say “bush” nowadays. Because of pervs.
New adage: A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but why the hell don’t you just go to the grocery store? They’ve got pre-cooked chicken there and it’s really very good.
Adage: Beauty is only skin-deep.
A lot of things are only skin-deep. It seems like a serial killer wrote this one. STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT’S UNDER MY SKIN.
New adage: Beauty is only skin-deep, but so is ugliness. And so are moles, sunburns, eyebrows, and SKIN. Watch out for serial killers named Buffalo Bill.
Adage: A friend in need is a friend indeed.
Well, this one is just off-putting. Are you implying someone’s not your friend until they need you for something? Why are you such a fair-weather friend? Why can’t you like your friends when they’re doing well AND when they’re needy? You’re an asshole. Also, how often does this “friend indeed” need you? Because they might just be using you. This all might be an elaborate scam. You might be getting played, playa.
New adage: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Unless it’s 2am and you need a ride home from the bar. Take a cab, you self-important lush. I’m sleeping, here.
Adage: A fool and his money are soon parted.
This might have been the case back in the day when people were totally tight-fisted about their money. I read Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Farmer Boy again recently, and they were making a HUGE DEAL about a fifty-cent piece. BIG WHOOP ALMANZO.
New adage: EVERYONE and their money are soon parted. We’re in a recession, here, have you been living in a cave?
Adage: A watched pot never boils.
This is just stupid. Sure, it SEEMS to take longer, but think about this rationally, you dick. It will take the same amount of time to boil if you pull up a kitchen stool and stare at it (which is sad) or if you walk away and watch your neighbors have a huge fight in the parking lot (which is true.)
New adage: A watched pot will boil, eventually, and so will a non-watched pot, and if you think otherwise, maybe you should have stopped passing notes in physics class in high school.
Adage: A wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse.
There are entirely too many horse-related adages. Which makes me think that either cowboys made these up or they actually mean to say “whore” which is a funny substitution and I’ll take it. Seriously, do that right now. “A wink is as good as a nod to a blind whore.” “Don’t look a gift whore in the mouth.” THAT MAKES THE ADAGES MAKE MORE SENSE. Oh, FINE, back to the adage at hand. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WINKING AND NODDING AT A BLIND HORSE YOU TOTAL WEIRDO.
New adage: A wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse, but if you’re doing either, maybe you ought to be evaluated for schizophrenia.
Adage: It’s always darkest before the dawn.
Where the hell do you live? Let’s say the dawn is at 5:45. It is NOT darkest at 5:30. It’s gradually getting lighter, actually. THIS IS A VERY STUPID ADAGE.
New adage: It’s always darkest at about 2am so bring a flashlight if you’re going outside, you’re totally going to trip over those flowerpots that your wife keeps nagging you to put away but you’re too busy playing with the Wii to bother.
And, my favorite (sorry, sarcastic air-quote that favorite in your head as you’re reading, please):
Adage: A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter for life.
What the hell? You will always have to provide for your daughter? I don’t get this at all but it seems highly sexist to me. Has anyone ever heard this before?
New adage: A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter for life; and whoever wrote this better not reveal themselves to me or I’m going to skin them slowly with a dull dollar-store vegetable peeler.
There are two adages that I do NOT have a problem with.
Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.
I told the people I worked with at the job I had before this one this when our CEO was fired and replaced with a new CEO. No one liked the old CEO. He was kind of a tool, but he was harmless. The new guy was an unknown quantity. “No, Amy, ANYONE has to be better!” they foolishly said. Well, less than three months later, new CEO had convinced the board to sell the whole company and we were all out of jobs. DEVIL. I TOLD them. The other guy wouldn’t have done that. He was too busy sending me to Lowe’s to find him the perfect office plant even though that job took up the whole day and the phones went unanswered and our customers were PISSED. INEFFECTUAL BUT ONLY A MINOR DEMON.
And, courtesy of my grandmother, who has THE BEST SAYINGS IN THE WORLD, we have this one.
We were discussing someone who had fallen in love with someone that was not a good match, and how much trouble this romance was causing in her life, and my grandmother came out with:
Love will go wherever it’s sent; even up a pig’s ass.
THIS IS THE BEST ADAGE EVER SPOKEN. There is nothing wrong with this. I love it more than anything in the WORLD. I love even more that it was my GRANDMOTHER that said it. I’m not 100% on what it means, or where it came from? BUT IT KICKS 47 BRANDS OF ASS. Also? If you do a Google search for it? NOTHING COMES UP. My grandmother BROKE GOOGLE with her awesomeness. +1, Nanny. Friggin’ +1. You only WISH you had a grandmother this cool.