I am now the same age Michelangelo was when he finished the Sistine Chapel SO SUCK ON THAT.

Whoo-hoo! BIRTHDAY!

Listen, I am EXHAUSTED. I know I should probably be all fired up and running around like  a crazy person and I was invited out to help celebrate another friend’s birthday tonight, but I am TOO TIRED. My parents came to visit today, and we shopped everywhere. EVERY-FRIGGING-WHERE. And I am DEAD.

OK, I’m exaggerating about “everywhere,” fine, we hit about 5 stores, but trying on clothes is the most tiring endeavor EVER. Also, I hate shopping. I know, ha ha, am I sure I’m female, because ALL GIRLS LIKE SHOPPING. Well, I hate shopping. It makes me tired, and everything costs too much, and all the clothes fit weird except the ones that cost too much.

One of the stores we went to I’m pretty sure had been invaded by crazy people, because not one, not two, but THREE WEIRD THINGS happened in the forty-five minutes we spent in the store.

  1. When I was in the dressing room, a woman came in at the same time (it’s a small dressing room, three stalls) and started trying clothes on. Only, she was talking to herself. LOUDLY. And in a weird way. Sometimes it sounded like she was…um…without being too vulgar…pleasuring herself? In the dressing room? “Yeah.  That’s it. Uh-huh. Right there. RIGHT THERE. That’s it. Thaaaat’s it. Uh-huh…uh-huh…yeaaaaahhhhh.” No, no one else was in there with her. Just her. Just an older woman. All alone. Then she was having a running commentary with herself. “How much is this one? What size is this? Oh, no.” Huff. Puff. She was getting really, really out of breath in there. “Hmm. Oh. Yeah. OH. YEAH.” I DON’T KNOW EITHER.
  2. Another woman was talking on her cell phone the whole time. I mean the WHOLE TIME. While shopping. In the dressing room. While checking out. LOUDLY. And it wasn’t just a normal conversation, either. I now know that she used to smoke crack, as did the woman she was talking to, and allllll about her sex life. WHEN ARE PEOPLE GOING TO REALIZE THIS ISN’T THE TIME OR PLACE.
  3. The clerk was rude, and apparently? The customers? Were totally bothering her. I asked her – nicely, I know that surprises you, but I am capable of being nice – if she could hold the few items I’d found and that I would be purchasing behind the counter on the rack while I continued to shop so I didn’t have to carry them around. I know they do that there because I worked at this chain in college and I’ve been to this location before and they’ve done it for me. She sighed and said “FINE” and then THREW them on the rack and ROLLED HER EYES AT ME.  Oh! Sorry! Sorry you had to reach behind you and put things on the rack within arm’s reach! Please, go back to reading your magazine. I’ll try to be quieter and not so annoying. Also, if you’re going to roll your eyes at someone, you need a third party. Someone you are simpatico with. Because rolling your eyes AT the person you’re annoyed with? Not usually the best course of action.

But, in happy news, I now have a new winter coat, three new pairs of pants, 4 new shirts, various pretty undergarments, FREE BIRTHDAY SHOWER GEL FROM SEPHORA!!!, nail polish, and some household essentials from Target, along with some presents and a nice lunch from my parents. As you can see, I like free stuff. I always go into Sephora for my free birthday swag. Free mini birthday-cake-scented shower gel this year! So thanks, Mom and Dad, for a great day!

Also, this is my first year on both Twitter and Facebook on my birthday, and it makes you feel like the most popular girl at the party, doesn’t it? Everyone has been wishing me a happy birthday all day. So nice! Thank you, my social network friends! Wait, would the most popular girl at the party be the most slutty girl at the party? IT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THAT EW.

AND it’s GORGEOUS out today. Just the nicest, warmest, sunniest day ever. Bonus!

Thanks to horoscopes, I know what I have to look forward to in the year ahead:

“If today is your birthday, you’re extremely capable.  You also have a very genuine, direct appeal that makes people trust you.  Despite this straightforwardness, inwardly you are highly imaginative and romantic! You will give all for love. That’s because essentially, you are a free spirit. Nevertheless, you are loyal to family.  Work hard to build or construct something this year because your rewards will soon follow.”

Well! This is…actually not the worst upcoming-year horoscope I’ve ever gotten. Other than the falsely-cheery exclamation point in the middle, I’m down with this horoscope. Gold star, horoscope people.

Also, in researching this day in history (what? You don’t do that? You don’t research your birthdate to find out other awesome things that have happened on it?) I found out the following facts about October 8:

  • The Great Chicago Fire started in 1871;
  • Both Edmonton, Alberta and Prince Edward, Saskatchewan were incorporated as cities in 1904;
  • The first live broadcast of a football game happened in 1921;
  • The only perfect game in the World Series was pitched in 1956;
  • Che Guevara was captured in Bolivia in 1967, spawning a meeelion hipster t-shirts;
  • and, my favorite, the Office of Homeland Security was created in 2001.

This is not a very auspicious list of occurrences. However, we do have some kickass people born today (well, other than me): ahem. Chevy Chase, Matt Damon, Harvey Pekar, Juan Peron, Jesse Jackson, Crocodile Dundee, R.L. Stine, Johnny Ramone, Sigourney Weaver, Darrell Hammond, Jeremy Davies, and Molly “Castle’s squee-worthy ginger daughter” Quinn.

Also, I know some people freak out about getting older, but I don’t care. I read today that the average social-network user is my exact age. Well! I have aged into the demographic. GO ME. Also, my gray hairs have a lot more body and volume than my regular hair, so so far? Getting older has been totally the best.

FINE, is this not enough for you? Well, with further investigation, leaving NO STONE UNTURNED, I discovered the following fact.

ON THE VERY DAY I WAS BORN, then-president Gerald Ford (yes, the president that Chevy Chase used to play on Saturday Night Live falling down a lot – and it’s also Chevy’s birthday I SMELL A CONSPIRACY!) gave a now-famous “whip inflation now” speech in front of Congress. He even had buttons printed up for his new program, using a handy acronym. It is virtually impossible to get your hands on one of these buttons today. BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME.

See? This is a button created ON MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY that might as well have been created for me. WIN. I am FULL of win. This is PERFECT and I LOVE IT and I WANT ONE.

So I’m off to lounge on the couch and watch bad television and relax for the rest of the night. It’s my birthday! That’s totally allowed. I only have about 6 more hours so I need to make the most of it. BAD TELEVISION IS NOT GOING TO WATCH ITSELF, PEOPLE.

Oh, and I will leave you with this. As a joke gift, because I almost dislocated my shoulder trying to get my panties from behind a washer last week, my mother bought me this for my birthday:


I couldn’t have been more excited because I felt like I’d won the Billy Mays lottery until I realized that every single person on the box is either 98 years old, in a wheelchair, or BOTH OF THESE THINGS. This is for OLD PEOPLE or PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES.

Honey badger don’t give a shit. IT IS THE BOMB. I’m going to use it to mess with the cats while I lay on the couch and they’re across the room. THREE FEET OF REACH. I’m never getting up AGAIN. This is the best day EVER.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

4 responses to “I am now the same age Michelangelo was when he finished the Sistine Chapel SO SUCK ON THAT.

  • Jennifer Parsons

    i am so very jealous of your very awesome As Seen On TV grabber! i am too short to reach anything, so envy abounds from this corner of the interwebs.

    oh. to actually reach things in the middle shelf of the cabinet. you are officially a goddess of awesome things!

    happy birthday!


  • Duncan

    When someone rolls their eyes at me, I ask them what they’re looking at and look at the ceiling. “Was it a spider? A grouse? It was a grouse, wasn’t it? I totally bet it was a grouse.”


  • Duncan

    On another subject, I hope you had an amazing birthday! : )


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