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You also run the risk of earning the nickname Firecrotch. LEARN FROM OTHER’S MISTAKES.

We just had two very important conversations here at work that I think need to be shared with you as teaching moments. You’ll thank me after you read. NO SHUT UP YOU TOTALLY WILL.

The Boy Scout Motto Goes for Bachelorette Parties as Well

(Note: K is my favorite co-worker and awesome and wickedly funny. She’s also my mom’s age, so things are often QUITE SHOCKING to her, which makes me giggle.)

K: So my daughter was telling me last night that she was looking at pictures on Facebook of the bachelorette party she decided not to go to, and you can’t even imagine what was in one of them.

Me: Naughtiness?

K: One of the bridesmaids likes to wear really short skirts. Like, REALLY short. Like, dresses that when you look at her? You think, maybe that’s a shirt, and no one told her? That short.

Me: OK.

K: And so they got really drunk, and had a limo, and of course someone was taking photos inside the limo, and then posted the photos on Facebook, and guess what was in one of the photos?

Me: The bridesmaid’s crotch.

K: HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Me: I have a sixth sense about these things.

K: WHO DOESN’T WEAR PANTIES WHEN YOU WEAR A DRESS THAT SHORT? I asked my daughter and she said it’s because of panty lines. WHO CARES ABOUT PANTY LINES I COULD SEE HER WHOLE BUSINESS.

Me: Oh, when I said “crotch” I kind of meant panties. I didn’t think she went commando. That takes it to a whole new level of classy, right?

K: HER WHOLE BUSINESS.

Me: It’s still on Facebook? I think my first question would be what kind of friend posts that kind of photo of you on Facebook. I get mad when my friends post photos of me that are unflattering on Facebook; I can’t even imagine someone posting my cooch.

K: Well, probably that wouldn’t happen because I assume, like a normal person, YOU WEAR PANTIES.

Me: Yeah, I’m a big fan of always wearing panties. And if there’s a camera around, and drinking is going to be done, I’d think that you’d definitely want to be wearing them then. Also, aren’t thongs created because of the panty-line situation? Not that I’d know. Those seem uncomfortable. I don’t trust them.

K: Then I was thinking: what if when I’m in the dressing room of a store, someone before me DIDN’T WEAR PANTIES? I am so disgusted right now.

Me: I think that’s a thing. Because there are signs in dressing rooms about it.

K: HER WHOLE BUSINESS.

After I finished laughing like a moron at the complete and total horror on my co-worker’s face about this whole situation (and honestly, I don’t know what horrified her more, the shortness of the dress? The commando-ness? The photo? The posting of the photo? The idea that OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING THIS AND SHE MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED THEIR CLOTHES?) I decided, listen, this probably needs to be addressed.

Like the Boy Scouts say: be prepared and wear some sort of undergarments when you go out, ladies.

I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your own home, but when you go out, especially when you’re wearing a skirt or a dress or something, WEAR SOME GODDAMN PANTIES. No one wants to see that! Even pervs probably don’t want to see that. It’s not sexy or cute or funny to shoot a beav for the world to see. It makes you look irresponsible and forgetful and a little like a potential substance abuser and kind of like a skank. You’ll get compared to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, who have made BAD LIFE CHOICES. I don’t think that’s what you were going for when you woke up this morning and eschewed undergarments.

Also, and skankitude notwithstanding, I would totally think that’s uncomfortable. Isn’t it the most uncomfortable? To not be wearing panties? Even when it’s 8 gazillion degrees in my apartment and I’m dying of heat exhaustion I wear panties. I don’t understand doing otherwise. It’s just confusing to me. It’s not like I’m wearing a full set of Mormon undergarments, or anything, but come ON, panties? This is not such a difficult thing to do!

OK, enough panty talk. Pervs are getting all het up just reading this. CUT IT OUT PERVS.

Penguins Make Everything Better

K: I have to pick out a company Christmas card today.

Me: Why don’t they let me do that job? That’s an awesome and fun job. Pick one with a penguin on it.

K: I think you just answered your own question. I can’t. It has to be businesslike.

Me: Penguins are businesslike. They’re wearing formalwear ALL THE TIME. That’s totally businesslike! You can’t get more businesslike than that. Also, dapper.

K: No, it has to be non-denominational, and businesslike.

Me: So, boring, then.

K: Yes.

Me: Don’t we want to stand out? I would think that we’d want our clients to open our card and be like, “BAM that company SURE HAS VERVE. Look at this card. IT STANDS OUT FROM THE REST. I will hire them for our next multi-million-dollar contract.” And you know what will accomplish that for us? Penguins.

K: No, every year it’s something like trees.

Me: Trees don’t make a statement like penguins do.

K: Or we could just have lettering on a red background.

Me: Sure, if you want to PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP.

K: They won’t accept my choice if there are penguins. They’ll think it’s too immature.

Me: Penguins are totally mature. They have to make important life choices. Didn’t anyone here see March of the Penguins? Penguins DIED in that. IT WAS EVEN FOR MATURE AUDIENCES.

K: We can’t have penguins.

Me: Balls.

OK, let’s just say you’re opening two cards from two businesses. Here are the two cards you open.

WHICH OF THESE ARE YOU GOING TO REMEMBER TWO DAYS LATER I ASK YOU.

The answer, OBVIOUSLY, is the penguin card. NO ONE REMEMBERS BORING CARDS OR THE BORING PEOPLE WHO SEND THEM. If you work in an office, you know you get a ton of cards. The fun ones are the ones people look at. The boring ones? No one ever even looks at twice.

Now! In my search for awesome penguin cards, I found the PERFECT CHOICE. Check this out. It is the BEST THING EVER.

Penguins AND A DRAGON. I could just DIE right NOW. If I got this at work I would immediately quit and go work for the totally most awesome company that sent it. That’s a company with CLASS and VERVE and STYLE and GUMPTION. A RANDOM OUT OF PLACE HOLIDAY DRAGON.

Penguins make everything better.

Dragons? Make everything STELLAR.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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