I’ll upset the status quo if I throw poison in the water main.

I was playing on the internet, you know, as you do? And found that there are a million* websites (*grossly inflated for exaggeration purposes) where people can go to get funny Facebook statuses. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NONSENSE. One guy actually wrote “Sometimes I sit for almost five minutes thinking of something funny to say and then just give up and Google it.” People do this? People spend this kind of time and energy thinking of funny things to write on Facebook? Am I supposed to be doing this? I feel inadequate right now.

Then I was reading some of them, of course, because don’t even tell me you wouldn’t read them, and they were AWFUL. Here are some actual examples. I wish I had made these up.

“…is at your house.”

“…used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!”

“…is getting a funny feeling people are reading the things I post here but maybe I’m just being paranoid.”

“…knows she is bored because she is wondering what the cat would look like shaved.”

“…doesn’t suffer from insanity, enjoys every minute of it.”


Whew. Sorry. No. Not every single person. There are a handful of people who I do NOT want to punch in the babymaker. People who, for example, do not post, or who, when they do post, post things that are actual status updates, or funny things THEY THOUGHT OF THEMSELVES. But I’d say at least half of the people I know on Facebook post crap like this ALL THE TIME. And honestly, I thought they were just copying from somewhere, but I had NO IDEA there were ENTIRE WEBSITES where you could lower your IQ substantially just by reading some of the suggestions they have for status updates.

And the worst part was? On the site with the worst “funny” status updates, one of which was, seriously, “…standing in the backyard with my pants down waiting for Google Earth to take my photo” and had a stock photo of someone’s ankles with panties around them? IT HAD A MILLION* COMMENTS. (*Actual number = probably more like 40. STILL SO MANY MORE THAN IT DESERVED SHUT UP.) All “LOL you are SO TOTES FUNNY” and “I can’t wait to use these” and “PANTS! DOWN! GOOGLE! LOLLLLLLL I just died.” I don’t…who are these people? It was like the audience members of Oprah’s favorite things were reading status updates. SO EXCITED.

If they’re not cribbing “funny” statuses from places online, they’re using that effing insane Status Shuffle nonsense, which apparently just randomly posts stupid shit to your wall like “Roses are red, violets are blue, until you notice me, I will stalk you. :)” YES there is an actual smiley after this. I did not add the smiley that takes this from sad to utterly insane looney tunes psychotic. The best part of Status Shuffle is that right under it, it says “POSTED BY STATUS SHUFFLE” and the three people I know who use it get CONSTANT COMMENTS like “LOL Sharon you are SO FUNNY” and “Lana how do you always think of these things you are so funny OMG I almost peed my pants” and “Jenny that is so you LOL HAHAHAHA.” THEY DIDN’T EVEN WRITE IT YOU MORON. It SAYS that. RIGHT THERE. Also, IT’S NOT FUNNY.

Do people do this? I don’t do this. The things I’ve posted that people think are “funny” have, invariably, been inadvertently so. I don’t post funny on Facebook. Because that would be like casting my pearls before swine. Wow, that was harsh. And also, what an awesome opportunity to use one of my favorite sayings and what an auspicious day. OK, no, here’s the thing. The people I’m friends with on Facebook? Don’t think I’m funny. Because they’re kind of boring, for the most part? And when I’m being funny, they usually think I’m serious, and it scares them and they’re all “Whoo, Amy, CALM DOWN” and then that totally harshes your funny buzz because they don’t get sarcasm or humor at all and so why even bother?

Also, I don’t know, doesn’t it seem kind of stupid to put up a funny status just to BE funny? I don’t know. The people that do that seem like douchebags to me, pretty much without exception. The people that put up ACTUAL funny statuses are a different story, but that’s because, well, THEY’RE FUNNY.

Well! I think these poor, unfortunate souls need HELP. They’re spending so much time! Searching for the funny! And I want to help! I want to help them be the funniest! And you know I can totally be helpful! So here are some Facebook status updates that will TOTALLY MAKE YOU THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. People are going to be sending you friend requests LEFT AND RIGHT once you post these. I can’t even IMAGINE the surge in your online popularity. You’re going to need a bigger boat. No, not a real boat. It’s a hypothetical boat. FINE FORGET THE FRIGGING BOAT IT WAS A METAPHOR WRAPPED IN A MOVIE QUOTE THE BOAT ISN’T IMPORTANT OR EVEN REAL.

Ready? Ready for awesomeness?

For the person who wants to introduce the idea of a friendly gathering in a non-threatening and HYSTERICAL way:

“…wonders if people really slip and fall on banana peels like in movies and am going to go try it out at the local nursing home anyone want to come?”

For the party girl who is always doing something wacky:

“…is feeling kind of down today and found some old pills in the Dumpster. LOL she’ll try anything once!”

For the new singleton:

“…finds himself single again, so if anyone wants to fix him up on a blind date, let him know – but hurry up, because HE CAN’T BE ALONE OH PLEASE HELP HIM HE’S SO SORRY AMANDA DON’T LEAVE HIM DON’T GOOOOO”

For the poet:

“Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, I’m locked up in the drunk tank and why doesn’t anyone text me back? I thought we were FRIENDS.”

For the hipster:

“…is going to see a totally obscure art installation tonight and no, you can’t come with him, you wouldn’t appreciate it. FINE, there’s no art installation, he’s dressing the dog like a taco and taking vaguely pornographic photos of him he’s so lonely.”

For the college freshman:

“…is having a blasty-blast at U of A but wishes he hadn’t gone to an abstinence-only high school! Congrats, Mom and Dad, or should he say, Grams and Pop-Pop?”

For the newly engaged:

“…said YES! And then asked him why the ring was so small, and then cried hysterically, and then told him she didn’t think it would work out, and then got drunk and slept with the maintenance man who came over to unclog the toilet at 3 am.”


You are welcome! Don’t forget the little people once you’re on top of the social spectrum!

(If you get my title, I love you to pieces, and would totally make out with you were we in the same room and/or I was drunk enough for it to seem like a good idea to make out with a total stranger. You know, ’cause germs.)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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