I’m pretty sure the apocalypse is upon us. No, not thezombie apocalypse. Although don’t rule those suckers out. Just when you thinkthey’re not coming, that’s when they’re waiting outside your house to eat yourbrains. No, just the regular, everyday apocalypse, because there are SIGNS,people. APOCALYPTAL SIGNS.
I just looked up what signs of the apocalypse are, because Ididn’t pay attention to that part in church. No, actually, it’s not that I didn’tpay attention, it’s that we never really talked about that. Back in the day,churches were more about fire and brimstone. Now they’re more about Bingo nightand not letting gays marry because talk about a sign of end times, whoo! THAT’Ssomething we’ve got to look out for – PEOPLE IN LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER.
So, for those of you that need a primer, Google andWikipedia handily tell me that there are Seven Seals (no, not the cute animalsthat we’re always worried will get clubbed, and not Heidi Klum’s husband, either)and each of these seals, in end times, are opened, and bring a differentjudgment upon the world. Here are the judgments:
First Seal – White horse (conquest)
Second Seal – Red Horse (war)
Third Seal – BlackHorse (famine)
Fourth Seal – Greenor Pale Horse (death)
Fifth Seal – Visionof martyrs
Sixth Seal – Cosmicdisturbances: sun turns black, moon turns blood red; sealing of the 144,000
Seventh Seal -Prelude To The 7 Trumpets of 7 Angels & The Final Judgment
Well. THIS is distressing. There are horses, apparently?That’s enough to scare anyone to death, right there, with this gaily-coloredcarnival horses prancing around. Also, since when, Wikipedia, is Death’s horse “green”?I’ve only ever heard “pale.” Hmm. Also, “vision of martyrs,” in case you werewondering, means we’ll see martyrs weeping and wailing and wandering around,then there’s all this insane meteorological nonsense that’s going to have theweathermen, who can’t even tell me when it’s raining (no, seriously, the otherday it was storming like a mother and the weatherman came on and said “it’sclear and sunny today” and I screamed at the television “DON’T YOU HAVE WINDOW TO LOOK OUT OF???”) all up in arms (“Today,it’s…um…very dark? There’s no sun. So…it might be night? I don’t know. I don’thave a window. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE MOON I’M SORRY FOR THAT TIME I SHOPLIFTED.”)Apparently the 144,000 is the people who will be raptured. I don’t like myodds, there. There are a LOT of people in the world. Math skills tell me, usingcurrent population statistics, I have a .002% chance of being raptured. Damn.Guess I’m in for the long haul. And then there are all kinds of sevens, andangels, and brass bands, and what have you.
OK, so that’s what the BIBLE tells you. Fine. Here’s what Iknow: there has been some weird shit going down RIGHT HERE WHERE I LIVE so I’mpretty sure we’re in end times. Just wanted to give you all a heads-up becauseI love you so.
The Seven Bearcats of the Apocalypse (listen, if the Biblegets seals, I want bearcats, they smell like popcorn.POPCORN! An animal that has a pheromone that is like popcorn. I LOVE THIS. Andthat way we’d also totally know the apocalypse is upon us by the deliciousscent of movie theaters past!)
First Bearcat: TheGreat Earthquake of 2011
Listen, I TOTALLY ALMOST DIED. Well, except for the fact Ididn’t know it was happening. I was in my car, where I go to eat lunch a lotbecause I don’t want to eat in the lunchroom because then I’d have to sociallyinteract with my coworkers, and who wants that? and I was parked in a drugstoreparking lot next to a construction site. And my car started shaking, and Ithought, “MAN that construction site is RUDE. I’m totally trying to eat myturkey sandwich here in peace and IT’S SHAKING MY WHOLE CAR.” And this went onfor about thirty seconds and then stopped and I kept shooting dirty looks atthe backhoe across the street and thinking if I worked at this drugstore and Ihad to keep putting things back on the shelf because of the backhoe for minimumwage I’d go over there on their lunchbreak and put Nair in their hardhats orsomething. Then I went on Twitter twenty minutes later and I start seeing “OHMY GOD WHAT WAS THAT” and “DID WE JUST HAVE AN EARTHQUAKE” and realized I JUSTHAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE. This made me want to get my ducks in a row, andcall all my loved ones, and make up a will, and start living, you know? Because who knowshow long you have, man? Life! It is precious! But then I just ate my yogurtand played Yahtzee on my phone for a little while and that feeling passed.
Second Bearcat:Garbage Cake
We had a wedding shower here at the office last week, becausewhy work when you can have a party? And we bought a big cake from the grocerystore. And we only ate half of it. So that cake sat on the breakroom table forfive days, getting super-hard, and people were still eating it, which both fascinatedand disgusted me, and then one day, I went in and the cake was in the garbage.SOMEONE THREW AWAY HALF A SHEET CAKE WITH BUTTERCREAM FROSTING. Uneaten cake. Do you need further proofthat rivers of blood are no doubt next?
Third Bearcat: MyCats Have Been Acting Weird
OK, if you know my cats, you know this isn’t out of theordinary, but I’m pretty sure they know something’s up? Because last night,they were INSANE. Like, jumping and leaping and making noises that, spelled outphonetically, would be something like “Gracckkkacckkkgruffumack!” and coming tothe bathroom door and meowing politely like a kitty butler might if he werewondering if I wanted a martini while bathing, and then when I opened the doorto see what was up, looking at me with CRAZY EYES and running away? So I’mpretty sure they’re seeing those ghostly martyrs we talked about above. Or they’rejust nuts. I really could go either way on this one.
Fourth Bearcat:Someone on Facebook Said There’s A Hurricane Happening Here Right Now
Except when I went outside it was just kind of windy? Andthe weatherman said we’re supposed to get the hurricane effects on Sunday? Butlisten, NO ONE ON FACEBOOK IS EVER WRONG OR EXAGGERATEY. Hurricane three daysbefore it was supposed to be here? TOTAL SIGN OF JUDGMENT DAY.
Fifth Bearcat: The Crow Remake
Cara knows about this, too, so listen, I’m not alone in this. They’re remaking The Crow. WITH MARKY MARK WAHLBERG. “Youkilled my girlfriend? Oh, well. Say hello to your mother for me!” END TIMES.
Sixth Bearcat: Thetelevision show Hoarders
I’m pretty sure that this is what the Bible was talkingabout when it mentioned “cosmic disturbances.” So gross I just want to die and alsoscrub myself until I have no skin and then die again.
Seventh Bearcat: KISSYOUR ASS GOODBYE
JUDGMENT DAY, BOZOS. You know who’s going down? People whopark so close to your driver’s side door in the parking lot that you have toget in your passenger side and slide over in order to drive out; people who won’tget out of the fast lane on the highway and putt along going 50 no matter whatthe state of the rest of the highway is; the guy who has the dog I see all thetime who’s trained to bark at everyone who walks past and it’s a very busystreet so the poor thing barks itself hoarse every single day and, from what Ican tell, it’s guarding a burned-out husk of a muscle car and a rustedswingset; people who think pleather is a good idea; people who send you amessage on Twitter that says “CAN I GET A #FOLLOWBACK LOL”, and those people inthe mall who follow you around trying to put that sea salt scrub on your hands.
It’s not too late, though. You’ve already taken the firststep! You’ve admitted that the apocalypse is nigh. I’m sorry to have ruinedyour day. If it’s any consolation, I’m sure SOMEONE you know will be raptured!Won’t that be nice for them?
What is that? Popcorn? I think I smell popcorn.