Dear Adam: A Very Public Break-Up Letter

Dear Adam:

I’m sorry it’s come to this, but I’m breaking up with you.

I would say “it’s not you, it’s me,” in order to spare your feelings, but it’s totally you.

It was the photo that did it. Don’t act all innocent and”what photo, baby?” You know what photo. You’re well-aware whatphoto. THIS GODDAMN PHOTO.
I actually choked on my dinner a little when I saw this inEntertainment Weekly, Adam.
Further investigation tells me that your most recent”movie” (yes, my darling, those are sarcastic quotes) Jack and Jill has youstarring as both your character AND YOUR OWN TWIN SISTER. And that Joey Potterwill be playing your wife.
That was when I knew I had to call this quits.
No, now, don’t try to argue. We’ve had a good run, you andI. Do you remember when we met? I was in high school and you were on SaturdayNight Live. Those were good days, Adam. You were young. I was young. You mademe laugh. I’ve always been a sucker for a man who can make me laugh. I stillam, Adam. Which is why we’re breaking up, to be honest. The laughs, they’vejust stopped coming.
“Red Hooded Sweatshirt.” “The ChanukahSong.” “Canteen Boy.” “Lunchlady Land.” I loved youand your silly ways.
Then I got older, and we grew apart. I never forgot you,Adam. Please don’t think that I did! I just got in with another crowd, theindie-film types, the musicians. There was a lot of eyeliner and angst.
Years later, I met another man who made me laugh, and oneday it was very hot where we worked, and he said, “It’s too damn hot for apenguin to be just walkin’ around” and that was funny, so I asked him whatit was from, and he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “BillyMadison?” he said. “You haven’t seen Billy Madison?”
So I rented Billy Madison, and I remembered the good timeswe used to have, Adam, and how much you made me laugh. Then Happy Gilmore.Mixed Nuts. Airheads. And we were back together! The man who made me laugh wasno longer in the picture, but you stayed. And we were very happy together.
Then The Wedding Singer. This was a new thing – you? In aromantic comedy? I decided to give it a go. I mean, there had been romance inthe other films, but silly, jokey romance, and this was an actual date movie.And Adam! You were wonderful! As was the film! And even though I hated DrewBarrymore going into it (don’t ask, she and I had some tough times, her “freespirit/stripping in front of David Letterman” schtick made me weary), Icame out of it with new appreciation for her and new respect for you! And yes,I even forgave you for cheating on me with her in the movie. We could move pastthat! True love conquers all!
I bought your comedy albums – on cassette tape, becausethat’s all I had in my car – and listened to them over and over. Your voicecheered me up after bad days at work. It was a good time for us, Adam. We werehappy, weren’t we?
Then Dirty Work – not your finest hour, but you were helpingyour old Saturday Night Live buddy Norm out, I get it – and then The Waterboy.Um. Well, we’re all allowed a misstep now and then. I mean, I’m not perfect. Noone is! No one at all. And the movie did well enough in the box office. Andfrat boys seemed to be quoting it a lot. So you had that going for you.
Big Daddy. Well, it wasn’t the worst thing ever. You werematuring, as was I. You wanted to make something more family-friendly. I getit! It actually had some touching moments, and Jon Stewart was in it, so howcan that be wrong? I stood by  you.That’s what you do, when you’re in love, right?
Oh, but then, Adam, you redeemed yourself. And sobeautifully. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, because this was, I wassure, your crossover movie; this was what would launch you from comedy todrama; this was your Clooney-esque step from Facts of Life to ER. Punch DrunkLove. I loved it to distraction. I watched it in the theater the day it wasreleased; I bought the DVD the day it came out. “I have a love in my life.It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.” Yes. YES. I knew Ihad backed the winning horse. This would go down in history as your definingmoment.
And then you made Mr. Deeds.
This was bewildering, to say the least. This wasn’t even amovie. This wasn’t even a blip on the radar of Hollywood history. This was aremake that didn’t need to be remade that you seemed to be sleepwalkingthrough. What was going on? What exactly was going through your head? But Istill saw it in the theater. I did. For you.
Then The Hot Chick. Eight Crazy Nights.
Listen, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, here, butlet’s put our cards on the table. This is when I started to pull away from you,emotionally. I didn’t see either of these movies. And I still haven’t, despitethe fact they’ve been on cable ad infinitum since. Perhaps this is a betrayalof some sort; if so, I’m sorry. But Rob Schneider is a BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU. Heis the most annoying little booger I have ever watched. I hated him on SaturdayNight Live and I hate him in everything you deign to allow him to co-star in.No. Just, no. And then an oddly-animated comedy based on a song you sang eightyears ago? I mean, it’s a funny song, but really? This seems like poor timing,doesn’t it?
I’ll admit I saw Anger Management in the theater. I felt bad;I missed you. I felt worse when I left. I had nothing nice to say. Nothing atall.
Where did my Adam go? My sweet, dorky, funny Adam? What wasgoing on?
50 First Dates – eh, it reeked of “we really had magicwith The Wedding Singer so LET’S TRY AGAIN!” but didn’t quite hit themark. Spanglish – not bad, nice try, some nice moments, but I knew you could dobetter – you did, in Punch Drunk Love – so, again, it didn’t quite hit themark.
I didn’t see The Longest Yard. I’m sure I had a reason. Ormaybe I didn’t. You know, I just don’t think I cared enough to see it. Therewere sports in it, I think. And it was another remake. And the trailer bored meto tears. I’m not even apologizing for this.
Click was manipulative enough to make me cry but onlybecause anything with a Christmas-Carol-esque “this is what could be”angle always gets to me. So that was mean. I see what you were trying to do – win me back by manipulating me with tears. Well, that’s a shitty thing to do, Adam, after all we’ve been through! And also it kind of sucked big olddonkey dick, to be quite frank. No amount of tears makes THAT go away.
I had high hopes for Reign Over Me. I really did. A 9/11movie? Good. A serious drama? Good. Sorry. I really, really couldn’t handle it.It wasn’t well-done. I think you tried. I don’t think it was all your fault. Itwasn’t the best script.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Bedtime Stories.You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. At this point, it’s like you’re writing randomscript ideas on a dartboard and throwing darts while drunk and then making amovie of whatever the dart hits. Did you honestly think any of these were agood idea? NO, I didn’t SEE them! That’s not the POINT! Did anyone see them?They’re EMBARRASSING! Your NAME is on these! Every time I go to the goddamnhair salon they’re playing You Don’t Mess with the Zohan on some sort of Satanic endless loop and I want to throwmyself into the hot wax vat to get away from how AWFUL it looks! Please make itstop!
Also, were you trying to be pro-gay-rights with I NowPronounce You Chuck and Larry, or make fun of gay people? Because I foundit really derogatory, in a childish “hee hee GAY PEOPLE they have GAYSEX” way, and I just wonder if that was on purpose? Because really? Youwere 41 when you made this. You work in the entertainment industry. Which, I’massuming, if it’s anything like the theater industry, is heavily populated withgay people. So you were just ok with being third-grade giggly about people youprobably work with on a daily basis? Hmm.
The cracks in our relationship, Adam, are growing wider andwider. You see that, right?
I went to the theater for Funny People. But honestly, I wentfor Seth Rogen, and because it looked like it would be a drama. One moment gotto me – the one near the beginning where your character was looking over videosof his career. Because there were actual videos of your actual career in there.When you were funny. Back before – well, whatever all of this is happened. So Icried, there. Because I missed you.
Otherwise, again? More donkey-dick suckage.
Just Go With It – no thanks, I don’t think I will. TheZookeeper? Um. No. No, no. Talking animals? No.
Honestly, until today, I thought, Adam and I, we’re cool.He’ll keep making these generic, stupid movies and I’ll go on ignoring them aswell as I can and it will always be a sore spot, but I’ll always love him.
Well, until today. Until I saw THE PICTURE.
Really? REALLY? This – this is heretofore unknown DEPTHS ofsuck. I can’t even DESCRIBE how disturbing this is to me. WHO TOLD YOU THIS WASA GOOD IDEA. This isn’t even a Freaky Friday-like thing. Do you know what thisis? This movie should be subtitled “A man! In a dress! Isn’t that theFUNNIEST THING YOU’VE EVER HEARD OF? Right? Right? I mean, it’s a MAN! InWOMEN’S CLOTHES! OMG, HA HA HA!”
Adam. ADAM! I’m sorry. I just can’t. I can’t anymore.
Don’t you remember your own quote from Happy Gilmore?”Why you don’t you just go HOME? That’s your HOME! Are you too good foryour HOME?” Your home is stupid but well-written and very quotablecomedies, romantic comedies, and we KNOW you can pull off drama, if it’swritten and directed well. Go home, Adam.
Your home is not cross-dressing movies. Your home is alsonot the next two movies you have coming out, which IMDb tells me are somethingcalled I Hate You Dad where you’re either playing Leighton Meester’s dad or herboyfriend (please don’t let it be her boyfriend, babe, you’re 45 years old andshe’s barely out of Juicy sweatpants) and the voice of Dracula in HotelTransylvania (I don’t know and I don’t want to know what’s going on there.)
Adam. ADAM! I’m sorry. Stop begging. It’s not becoming. ITIS OVER. I will cherish our time together. It will always mean so much to me.When one of your movies comes on, I will watch it and smile. (Unless it wasmade after 2002, then I’m changing the channel, sorry, nostalgia doesn’t mean Ihave to sit through garbage.) 
Please know I will always love that young man who sang”Hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders, navy beans, navy beans, navybeans, navy beans.” It’s like he was singing into my soul.
Oh, and watch out for Cruise. I assume you had somelip-action with little Joey Potter in your upcoming movie; ask Matt Lauer,Cruise can be MEAN. He’ll get ALL up in your grill. He’s got the power of CRAZYon his side, dude. Best run if you see that train a’comin’.
All my best, but please stop calling me, because I totallymean it, we’re through,

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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