I could never, ever get married.
OK, I suppose that’s a bit of an overstatement. I could. I mean, physically. There’snothing stopping me from gettingmarried. There’s not like, a statewide banon me tying myself to someone for all eternity, or anything.
I started thinking about this in earnest last night when Igot a very nice third-party imaginary internet wedding proposal. Yep! I am the fanciest. So just check your inbox for the invites for my imaginary internetwedding! (I will expect many imaginary internet wedding presents, by the way. I’m registered at many imaginary internet locations!) I just highly suspect that the strain of planning and actually goingthrough with something of that magnitude would cause either a Bridezilla-stylebreakdown, with screaming in operatic tones, or me to crawl up in the corner ofmy closet and rock and weep. And I have really, really tiny closets. Like,dollhouse closets. It would be very uncomfortable in there. But somehow I’dmake it work. And I’d rock and weep and everyone would be at the church but noone would really be all that surprised, because I think the main surprise wouldhave been that there was a wedding at all. I think the main surprise would havebeen when they got the invitation in the mail in the first place. “What? AMY?Getting MARRIED? This can’t be right. Another Amy, maybe? With the same name?Who thought THIS was a good idea?”
I like weddings. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been to some. They’renice! They’re so optimistic, what with the white dresses (yeah, right, you’renot fooling anyone, but whatever) and the smiling and the vows and the weelittle ring bearers with their tiny little tuxedos and such. Yes, yes, theymake me cry. That kind of unbridled optimism, that’s worth a few tears, Ithink! I mean, you kind of want to applaud the fact that these people, in spiteof the odds being stacked against them, have decided, hey! Let’s do this! We’llbe the exception to the rule! WE WILL LIVE OUR LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Well, that wouldbe nice, wouldn’t it? But I’m not all merry sunshine, and all I can think(quietly, in the back of my head, I don’t ruin people’s weddings, I’m not that much of an ass) is “Man, that’s aHUGE pile of gifts. How are they going to divvy those up when this all goes tohell in a handbasket?”
And the ceremony itself – ok, I would be the worst bride.Ever. EVER. Seriously. Like, you’ve seen Bridezillas,right? I wouldn’t be all screamy-yelly-“you didn’t get the RIGHT COLOR HAIREXTENSIONS!” like that, or anything, but there are a lot of things that I takeexception to in the wedding ceremony and in the celebration afterward. So muchso that I think the only solution would be to elope. But I do like the idea ofhaving a celebration in front of people. So I’m torn, really – on one hand, itwould be nice to celebrate this unmitigated optimistic insanity in front ofpeople (especially people, who will remain nameless, who have said, and Iquote, “It’s ok if you’re a lesbian, you know” because I’m not married yet.Yes. I know it’s ok. Thank you for your permission. I’m not a closeted lesbian,I’m just FOREVER ALONE. Thank you for that), but on the other hand, thelogistics of getting what I want are so insurmountable, I think that possiblyit couldn’t happen.
Church wedding vs.civil ceremony: I have issues with the church so I don’t think I could bemarried in one. Also, the church makes you take marriage classes, and I don’thave time, energy or patience for that. And I think if I stepped foot in one atthis point, I would go up in flames, and poof, there goes the very expensivefluffy dress. But I have family members who would not be in the least bitpleased (and I think would most likely think it wouldn’t count) if I weremarried outside of the church. So then there would be a war. And who wants tostart their wedded bliss on a battlefield? I’m already getting acid reflux andthis is just hypothetical.
The dress: I looklike death warmed over in white. So no white. But then does everyone think you’rea whore? Because I’m not really a whore, per se, just really pale, and whitemakes that look worse. Also, I don’t like wedding dresses. They all make youlook weird and matronly and frilly and bedazzled and like you’re trying toohard or they’re too casual or they’re too tight. Can I get married in pajamas?I’m the most comfortable in those. And that would be pretty! So, so pretty. ButI totally get a veil. VEILS ARE AWESOME. Everyone looks better in a veil. Thatis a proven fact, buddy.
Bridesmaid dresses:WHY THE HELL ARE THESE ALWAYS SO UGLY. Listen. Is it a thing? Like, you don’twant your bridesmaid to look better than you so you get them the most god-awfuldress in America? And they have to PAY for it! And they’re never going to WEARit again! As long as they’re all respectable, any woman who I like enough toask to be a bridesmaid can wear whatever the hell they deem appropriate. And,since I picked the women, I know it will. Don’t pick jerks to be yourbridesmaids and they won’t pick stupid clothes like tube tops and red satin hotpants.
Bridesmaids, ushers,maids of honor, etc.: Listen. There is one person I want to stand beside mewhen I get married (well, other than the imaginary groom.) And he’s male. Andthat’s not negotiable. The person I feel closest to (I hesitate with the “BFF”thing because I’m not a tween) is a guy. So, is that allowed? No, right? Becauseit’s like a slap in the face if he’s just an usher and one of my other friends,who are great and all, are my maid of honor. Because when I’m having ameltdown, he is (I absolutely guarantee you this) the only person who will beable to get me to calm down from it. He is the Amy-whisperer. And if he’sushering, how is he supposed to calm me down? Too busy seating Aunt Isabelleand her huge hat! BAM MELTDOWN NOW THERE’S NO WEDDING I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPYWEDDING ETIQUETTE.
Ceremony nonsense:There are two things in the wedding ceremony that would make me walk out andnot come back. First: “giving the bride away.” Because I’m property! To begifted to a man! That’s awesome. No, seriously. “Who gives this woman?” “Hermother and I do!” Here is our daughter! Our gift to you. Now you feed andclothe her, as she is unable to do these things herself! Stupid useless women!I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I assume it still happens. It did at the last wedding Iwent to. I know, I know. It’s a custom. Well, it’s an outdated and sexist one.And I flat-out refuse. I already told my father that if I ever get married, hewas more than welcome to walk me down the aisle, but when the officiant said “Whogives this woman,” I would have a speech prepared that went along the lines of “Actually,this woman gives herself, as she belongs to herself. And she gives herselffreely! With the understanding that she is not giving up any more of herselfthan she feels comfortable giving, and can, at any point, take back anythingshe has given, as she is a person, and not property. Thank you all for coming.”(My father’s response? “It’s probably a good thing you’re not getting married anytimesoon.”) Second: “honor AND OBEY.” Ha. HA HA HA. I haven’t “obeyed” anythingsince I was old enough to crawl. You think I’m going to start now? Nice try.First you give me away, then you tell me to obey? What they hell am I, a runtpuppy that wouldn’t sell so I’m up free for a good home in the Pennysaver?
Money: I don’tlike that the bride’s family is expected to pay for everything, based on the outdatedpractice of a bride price. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the priceshould be split between the parents of the bride and the parents of the groom,either. I think, if the bride and groom can’t pay for their own damn ceremony,they don’t deserve a big shindig. Sorry. You get what you work for in thislife, and why should you get a huge party you didn’t pay for yourself?
Vows: I like theidea of writing your own vows, as long as it’s done well. I do not like thingslike “Baby, I knew from the minute I met you, you were the one. I can’t wait tostart our journey together.” Did one of the contestants on The Bachelorette write your speech? No. If you can’t improve on thevows as they’re written, stick to the vows that are already there.
Cake-smushing: Ifyou smush a handful of cake into my face I will most likely slap you and walk outof our reception. Seriously? This isn’t funny. This isn’t cute. This is messingup a really pretty and well-done face of makeup and nice hair and possiblygetting on a very expensive dress. And it’s demeaning. And – worst of all – YOUARE WASTING CAKE. Which is a capital offense in 14 states. No, don’t look thatstatistic up. I’m telling you it’s true. WHY DON’T YOU TRUST ME.
The dollar dance:I went to a wedding where they did this when I was young, and I didn’tunderstand it then, and I still don’t. Because it’s a little like begging and alittle like prostitution. Both things you absolutely want at your wedding,right? If some man came up to me at the reception waggling a $20, I’d knee himin the balls. I’m not a pole-dancer, Uncle Mervin. Put the $20 back in yourpants and look for someone who’s showing too much cleavage on the waitstaff orsomething.
Whatever that shit isthat’s going on with the garter: This is an excuse for someone to cop afeel, pure and simple. And who the hell even wears garters anymore? And thatgarter isn’t even holding anything up. It’s a scrunchy. It’s a fancy wedding leg-scrunchy.I have no interest in this and I think it’s gross and tacky.
Brides and grooms whoare weird about the gift registry: You are lucky anyone gave you anything.If you don’t like it, return it. Stop complaining about free stuff. Do youthink pirates ever complained about their booty, arrr? They did not. And theyRULED the seven seas. Yes, it’s annoying that you got two toaster ovens. Youknow what’s more annoying? Waking up alone and cleaning cat vomit out of yourshoe. SUCK IT UP Whiney McUngratefulface.
Animals: Releasinganimals after a ceremony annoys me. Yes, yes. I know. It’s all done with theutmost care. Listen. I don’t think those butterflies or doves want to be raisedand then shipped somewhere and then catapulted into the air to celebrate yourlove, I really don’t. How confused must they be? You know what I think youshould release on your wedding day? 43,000 carpenter ants. A celebration of “building”a life together! And the gift that keeps on giving for the owners of the placewhere you got married, huzzah!
Things I don’t have aproblem with and actually think are kind of cute, surprisingly: when peopleclink on the glasses for you to kiss (I know, you’d think that would annoy me?But it’s honestly kind of adorable); throwing the bouquet (but women catchingit, please show decorum, this is a wedding, not a barroom); decorating the backof the “getaway” car with stuff (but if you put anything vulgar or stupid orscratch the paint I’m going to hang that crap plus more all over YOUR car onenight WITH SUPERGLUE and see how you like it.)
See? THIS IS A HUGE LIST. There’s no WAY I could get awaywith all of these things without looking like an anal-retentive Bridezillafeminist shrew. So no wedding for me. Sorry, people who were planning on comingto my super-awesome wedding in which I was pretty guaranteed to throw thetantrum of the century. You’ll just have to wait until it happens organically.I’m sure it will. Just be patient. For example, I’m pretty cranky about seeingsomeone misspell “Bethlehem” (BETHLEHAM?Really? IT’S A TOWN NOT A PORK PRODUCT) on an envelope today. Fingers crossed!