Dear Lucy, Volume One. SHUT UP I AM VERY HELPFUL.

Today I woke up and bounded out of bed with a smile on my face. “Hello, world!” I chirped, like a happy bluebird. “Here I am! Today is the day I make a difference! Today is the day I help people! Today is MY DAY!”
Then my alarm went off and I realized that was all a dream, I only got a few hours of sleep last night, I feel like shit warmed twice over, and the only chipper thing about me is the daydream I’m having about putting every single person I encounter into a wood chipper.
That will not stop me, however! Today I WILL make a difference. Listen, there are a lot of people out there that need advice. A lot of them. I mean, you type “advice” into Google and you get a ton of stuff. For example, if you type “Yahoo answers” into Google, do you know what the first thing that comes up in the auto-fill is? I bet you don’t! Because I didn’t! There is no way you can prepare yourself for this!
“I killed someone.”
Yes. Someone (or a number of people, because I assume that it is a popular question, otherwise why would it be the first thing that pops up?) went on Yahoo Answers to ask what to do POST-MURDER. Um. You are aware that the cops can track you, right, Killer?
OK, well, I’m not going to help with things like that. Because honestly, I have no idea what to do post-murder. I mean, I talk a big game, and believe me, there are people in my life that if they stopped coming around, they would NOT be missed. But I’m really not a go-to person when it comes to advice in covering up a capital crime. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I feel like I would immediately be discovered. I can’t even hide my emotions when I hate someone – so obviously an entire dead body is going to be a little more difficult than that to hide. So no, Murder Person, sorry, not your place for advice today, sorry.
What do you need, when you are about to start your very fabulous career as the next Dear Abby, only you are going to, of course, be Dear Lucy? Questions! You need questions! So of course, first, I went to Twitter. And Twitter…was not helpful. I got four questions. FOUR! This could be due to the fact that I phrased my request as “I would like to give you advice. It will not be good advice. So send me questions.” One person, who I don’t even know, said if she wanted bad advice, she’d ask her ex. Yes, sure, you COULD do that, complete and total stranger, but would your ex snark at you in a lovingly helpful and hysterical way? I THINK NOT, PERSON I DON’T KNOW. I THINK NOT. Your loss, stranger I will never talk to again.
So next, I went to my partner-in-crime, my internet BFF, the love of my life. Google. And realized there are a WEALTH of questions that need answering on Google. So there you go! I am set up. My empire! It will be a vast one, filled with MANY HELPFUL ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS.
Without further ado:
Dear Lucy
(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column)
Q:        What is the difference between a smile and a frown? –JENNIEO
A:        Well! An auspicious beginning, to be sure, Jennieo! First, let me extend my sympathies for your disability. It must be so difficult to be blind. I do so hope you have a dog. Because if you are blind, one of the few perks must be a helper animal, right? But not a monkey. You don’t have a monkey, right? Because it will eat your face. Just to let you know. I mean, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually it will completely eat your face. We covered this yesterday. Read yesterday’s blog for more info on face-eating monkeys. Wait, how are you reading this and writing questions if you are blind? Is there Braille internet? Or internet with voice technology, or something? There must be. I never thought of that. Isn’t learning fun? What’s that? You’re not blind? Then I don’t understand the question and you’re an idiot. One is right-side-up and means someone either likes you or is pretending to; one is upside-down and means someone hates you or has gas. NEXT QUESTION.
Q:        Can man creation make a mistake? –QUIRFGW
A:        Hello, Quir…I’m going to call you Q, won’t that be easier? Yes. I wish I had an answer for you, Q. I truly do. But to be honest? I don’t 100% understand what you’re asking me. Is this an existential question, like, “If we’re made in God’s image, and God is perfection, how can we make mistakes?” Or is it about something like Frankenstein’s monster, and it’s about MAN’S creation, in which case, of COURSE our creations can make mistakes, I mean, we created fashion and there are missteps LEFT and RIGHT all over there, you know, like rompers. Or are you asking if a mistake was made in the creation of man, and whoever, or whatever created us meant to create something else, like many-legged pink insects with ears for eyes, something along those lines? You’ve exhausted me with the possibilities, Q. Utterly exhausted me. I need a cooling beverage and a backrub. Except I hate backrubs more than anything in the world. One time, a woman gave me an unexpected backrub, and it tensed me up for a week, I hate them so much. DON’T TOUCH ME, Q.
Q:        How do you know if you have Tainted Love? –SOFT CELL
A:        This question could go in one of two ways, really, Soft Cell. If you’re asking if you have the totally bitchin’ song from 1981, I’d say listen for the line “once I ran from you, now I run to you.” That would be a good indication. Also, listen for synthesizers. They’re always a good indicator of 80’s music. I mean, from your name, and from the capitalization of your question, I would say that’s probably what you’re asking? But if you’re asking if your actual romance has been sullied, I’d start looking for tell-tale signs. Lipstick on the collar. Cell phone calls in the middle of the night. Cold sores. Crabs. Things of that nature.
Q:        Why are guys so complicated? –SAD IN MINNESOTA
A:        Aw. Aw, you. Well! That’s really the age-old question, isn’t it? Here. I’m going to do you two favors. First! MOVE OUT OF MINNESOTA. It’s COLD there! DAMN! You’re welcome. NOW! Second. If you don’t like complicated guys, look for stupid ones. They’re not that hard to spot. They usually hang out in places like county fairs and sports bars and Spencer’s Gifts, and they laugh really hard at jokes like “Git R Done” and “I Don’t Trust Anything that Bleeds for 5 Days and Doesn’t Die.” Then date that guy. Complicated? Not him! Easy as pie! Things will be smooth sailing for you, Sad! Problem solved, right? No, no, I don’t ask anything in return for your lifelong happiness. You don’t even have to invite me to the wedding! Really. Really, please don’t.
Q:        How do you get a guy to like you? –ALEX FORREST
            Well, Alex, a good question indeed! To “get” a guy to like you, you need a few things, ready? 1. Duct tape 2. Edible panties 3. One of those green plastic eye-shades that old-time accountants wear 4. A rotary-dial telephone 5. Three different colors of water-soluble food coloring. You wrote that down, didn’t you. Seriously, Alex? Sigh. OK, here’s the scoop. If you need to “get” a guy to like you, it’s not worth it. I’ve been around a while. If he doesn’t like you right off, he’s not going to start. Trust me. You can stalk him, you can write him tortured poetry, you can buy him things, you can attempt to seduce him in every way you know how, but it’s not going to work because he’s not interested. Not that I’ve done any of those things. Ha. I mean, who would do those things? Crazy people, that’s who. Ahem. Anyway. Just be patient, Alex. I know it’s tough, but someday, someone will like you, and you won’t have to “get” them to. Heads up, though, you certainly don’t boil his bunny or show up randomly in his house or take his kid! Shit. I just realized where I recognized your name from.
Q:        What should I wear to my boyfriend’s family party? – MEET THE
A:        Clothes. But not hookery ones. Unless his family is into that. I don’t know. Are they WASP-y? Then probably try to fit into that paradigm. If they’re trashy, showing up in couture is probably going to make them think you feel like you’re “better than them” and they might beat you up behind the dumpster that they use for their barbeque pit/family swimming pool. Maybe just wear khakis and a decent shirt of some sort without a stain on the left boob and hope like hell they’re not nudists.
Q:        I just found out that my brother has done heroine twice? – BIG SIS
A:        Holy crap, seriously? WHICH ONE? Wonder Woman? Catwoman? Harley Quinn? Vixen? Supergirl? Mystique? Are they going steady? Will she be coming over to your house? You might become BFF’s. She might become your SISTER-IN-LAW. How awesome would THAT be? He’d better not cheat on her, though. Because if he does, I think the retribution might be swift and pretty bloody. THIS IS TOTALLY AMAZING, Big Sis. My congratulations. I couldn’t be more excited for you! Oh, you probably want advice. I’d say, play it cool, and tell your brother to eat plenty of lean protein, as she probably has a lot of stamina and he’ll want to keep up. And have fun! What an exciting time for you and your brother!
Q:        How can I convince my future mother-in-law not to come to my bachelorette party? – BRIDE TO BE
A:        Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, BTB! I guess I have a question for you. I know, I know. You’re asking ME for advice. Sorry. I have to ask. Is this a thing? Mother-in-laws coming to bachelorette parties? Because isn’t it for your friends and such? How awkward would it be if you were making out with a male stripper while you’re wearing a light-up penis hat and a pin that says “MY LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM” and your future mom-in-law was watching? Totally awkward, is how. Are you sure she even wants to come? If so, I’d say, a few minutes before she’s supposed to leave for the party, send a male escort over to her house to “fix her pipes” or “deliver her a pizza” or whatever it is the cover story is they use in porno. And then she won’t come because she’ll be too busy “having sex with a prostitute.” There you go!
Q:        Two of my BM’s can’t get along. Advice, please? – SOON-TO-BE-
A:        I’m sorry. I’ve had the giggles since I read this, because I wasn’t aware that bridesmaids was abbreviated “BM”? And in my world, in which a toddler is a major part, bowel movement is abbreviated that way? And I couldn’t understand why two of your bowel movements couldn’t get along and it was really an icky but funny mental picture, to tell you the truth? OK. Let’s get it together, here. I am a very serious advice columnist, after all. Someone I know had this issue, and the bride was a total Bridezilla and fired the one I liked. So is that the problem, STBM? Are you a Bridezilla? Are you always yelling at people and smacking your groom about the face and neck and such? Maybe you need to check yourself before you wreckedy-wreck yourself?
Q:        How do I make the voice in my head stop singing the “Alvin & the Chipmunks” theme song? –CRAZY MAKING
A:        This IS a tough one. Well, I think there are two ways you can do this. One, replace it with a different earworm – I recommend Tainted Love, which has been running NON-STOP in my head since I answered that question above, THANKS A LOT, Soft Cell, sheesh – or, two, do a lot of drugs and/or alcohol, which should cause you to black out (no songs in your head when you’re dead to the world!) and then wake up with a raging hangover (again, no room for songs when you’ve got a headache like a drum in there!) Or, I suppose, you could do a type of immersion therapy, and force yourself to watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. But I really wouldn’t recommend that. (Side note – were you aware that my super-hot secret boyfriend, Matthew Grey Gubler, plays one of those chipmunks? Distressing!)
Q:        How do you deal with a legion of friends who play “Vampire the Masquerade” and it just creeps you out?!?!?! –GAMERGRRL
A:        I didn’t know what this was, so I looked it up because listen, anything for you people. And although the Wikipedia article was kind of confusing and had a lot of words in it I didn’t quite understand, I gather that this is an RPG. Now, is it an RPG like I remember D&D being when I was a kid and the boys wouldn’t let me play and I really wanted to and they would roll dice and it looked fun because those dice had so many awesome sides and you got to make things up and also there was an episode of Community that made D&D seem awesome as long as you play it with the right people? Or is it a scary RPG where the people walk around in costume and pretend to be the characters and it’s hard to tell where reality ends and their weirdness begins and they have crazy eyes? My advice, GamerGrrl, is if it creeps you out, bring along a stake or some garlic or a cross, and when they’re getting too douchey, wield them at your friends and tell them to stay back. They will have to, right? Because they’re “vampires”? And then you can go off and do something productive like read or watch True Blood or whatever you like to do.
Q:        How do you face fears… like… say… fear of dolls or stupid Disney creatures? –SCARRED4LIFE
A:        Honestly, I HAVE NO IDEA. This QUESTION is horrifying to me. Why would you WANT to face these fears? Because dolls and characters in suits WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL. Don’t face them! RUN FAR FAR AWAY. And then wherever you end up, line your windowsills and doors with salt like they do on Supernatural because that keeps out the baddies. Dolls and furries. Good gracious, Scarred4Life! I’m not even going to be able to sleep tonight now. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.
Q:        How do you deal with overly fake people? Because you know my answer is gasoline and blowtorch. –KICKASS MCGEE
A:        Let me tell you a story, Kickass. Once, I came across an overly fake person. But I knew that person was being fake, because I’d heard from a mutual friend that the fake person hated me, and was saying shit behind my back. But whenever the fake person would see me, the fake person would be all, “Oh! How ARE you! So nice to SEE you! Blah blah BLAH blah! Fakety fake fake fake!” And I wanted to throw up in my mouth a little. So what I did was sit the fake person down and say, “Listen, fake person, how can we work out our differences to a mutually pleasing solution?” and we talked, and laughed, and I think we both left a little richer in knowing one another that day. Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Really, what happened is I refused to talk to the fake person and would always be scowling when they came around and made it so uncomfortable for the fake person to be around me that the fake person, to this day, won’t come to places where I will be, and tells people that they think I might be “unhinged.” Well, Fake McFake Fake, take a look in your mirror of fakeness, and see which one of us is missing hinges, why don’t you? Oh. This is kind of becoming about me, isn’t it. I suppose the adult way to deal with them is just to smile and nod and limit your exposure to them as much as possible and try to put yourself in their shoes? But the CORRECT way to deal with it is your way. But once you’ve killed them, don’t come to me for body-disposal advice. I seriously just don’t know what to do. Maybe bury it? Somewhere that’s not here? I don’t know.
Well! This has been very productive AND helpful! If you would like your questions answered in a future edition of Dear Lucy, don’t hesitate to send me an email. Unless your question is stupid. Or if it’s serious. Or time-sensitive. OK, I really have a lot of disclaimers on this. I AM A VERY GOOD ADVICE COLMNIST DAMMIT.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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