Today my co-worker was watching a video about the woman whohad reconstructive surgery after her friend’s chimpanzee pulled off her faceand ate her hands. Do you remember this? My co-worker was very disturbed that I did not want to watch this momentous videowith her. “It is amazing, Amy!” she kept calling over our cubicle wall. “Shehas a whole new face! Which doesn’t look at all like her old face! But theywere not able to save her hands. She’s almost able to smile again!”
My response was something along the lines of “NO NO NO MONKEYSATE HER FACE.”
Listen! There are a lot of very real dangers out there youhave to beware of. I did research on this! MONKEYS CAN EAT YOUR FACE AND HANDS.
Now, I know, there are people reading this who are going toget all up-in-arms and tell me “Chimpanzees aren’t MONKEYS. Chimpanzees arePRIMATES. There is a VERY REAL DIFFERENCE. We have almost IDENTICAL DNA.” Andyou know what? I’m totally aware of that. Because I’m very intelligent.However, I call anything monkey-like a monkey, from the humble spider monkey,to the terrifyingly distressing baboon with the scary blue backside, tochimpanzees and orangutans and gorillas. I’m well-aware they’re not allmonkeys. But it’s one of my quirks, to call them all monkeys. It’s not like I’mpublishing in a scientific journal, here. So if it’s really bothering you, goread Scientific American or watch adocumentary or something.
I’ve mentioned before, I am petrified of monkeys, with theircunning fast hands and destructive ways and evil beady eyes.
Here’s the thing. I’m going to put this in caps AND putstars around it AND put it in bold-face type, because it is JUST THATIMPORTANT. Ready?
***WILD ANIMALS ARENOT PETS***
They are WILD ANIMALS. They belong (best-case scenario) inthe wild, or next-best, in a zoo, or last-best, in the basement of your weirduncle whose hobby is taxidermy and smells a little like feet. They do notbelong to you to cuddle or play with or put on a leash. The word “wild” is inthe phrase “wild animals” for a reason. We have domesticated animals. They aremeant for pets! NOT WILD ANIMALS.
Do you remember the time the cops in New York City went tosome guy’s apartment and found that he had a tiger and a crocodile living init? THAT WAS STUPID. Why do you think that’s a good idea? Even my housecatssometimes get the heebie-jeebies and attack my hands and/or cleavage. A tigerdoes that and you suddenly are one-breasted, like an Amazon woman. And really?A crocodile for a pet? That’s just odd. Crocodiles can’t show love. They arereptiles. They aren’t in the least bit cuddly. I mean, I know, not all pets arecuddly. I worked at an exotic pet store for a while, and I do get the appeal ofhaving fish or a frog or a lizard for a pet. But not one that can eat you! Notone that takes up your whole bathtub all the time! Not one that eats entirechickens for dinner!
So listen! This is important advice I am giving you. If yourfriend invites you over, and they are a little eccentric, like Grey Gardens-y, and they say, “Hey! Wantto see my baby?” and they bring A GODDAMNED MONKEY out of the back room, RUNAWAY FROM THEM. First, because people that call pets their “babies”non-ironically are super-scary. Yes, I do it sometimes. But IRONICALLY. I’maware I didn’t shoot my furry kiddos out of my vagina. Second, THAT MONKEYWANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE. It might happen today, it might happen tomorrow, butsometime in the future, that monkey is going to eat your face and you are goingto be on a YouTube video looking like Resuscitation Annie with the immovableplastic surgery face because you forgot that WILD ANIMALS ARE NOT PETS.
Monkeys eating your face and hands aren’t the only severedanger in your household. I did important and serious research on this, andfound out the following, which may or may not be true because it came from akind-of suspect website but also it was from Britain and the way they spell things makes me more likelyto believe them almost every time. So what I have learned? YOUR HOUSE IS TRYINGTO KILL YOU. Also, I feel less clumsy, because only once have I had to go tothe hospital for a household injury.
67,000 people a year are injured while trying to peel thecellophane from a package of sandwiches, open a ready meal, or open a ring-pullcan (this is called “experiencing ‘wrap-rage.’”) I don’t know much aboutcellophane being overly dangerous, because I mostly subscribe to the “if itdoesn’t open HULK SMASH” theory? If it doesn’t open nicely, I tear that thingopen with the strength of a circus strongman. Sometimes the food item goesflying across the room, exciting the cats. Why? Because I have no patience! Iam hungry! I want it now! However, ring-top cans are very sharp and cutty. Sowatch out for those. Especially pudding cans. Which I don’t recommend you lickto get the last delicious bit of pudding from. Because that is kind of the mostdangerous thing you can do ever to your tongue. But when it’s Thank Youpudding, I don’t know how you can resist. (You’ve all had Thank You pudding,right? IT IS THE BEST. OK, if you haven’t? YOU RECTIFY THAT IMMEDIATELY. I recommend the chocolate. Oh, well, if you don’t likereally gooey pudding like the kind you had in elementary school, like cannedpudding, then probably don’t try it. But if you’re a connoisseur of that, EATIT YOU WILL LOVE IT. You are so welcome. Also, can you get them to startcarrying at my Hannaford again? Because they stopped, and I really cried out inalmost physical pain in the baking aisle that day.)
150 people a day accidentally stab themselves trying to prythe top off of a jar or open a ready-to-eat meal with a knife. OK, well, that’snot really a smart thing to do. I mean, not that I would know that you couldbreak your knife or stab your hand doing it, because it’s totally not like I’vetried that or anything.
37 people were injured in one year making tea, either byburning themselves on the teapot itself or by dropping the potholder on thefloor, then slipping and falling on it. See? SEE? This is just another reasonto hate tea! TEA IS THE DEVIL. (But, OK, I know, I KNOW, I’m going to hell, butthe idea of someone dropping their potholder, then slipping and falling on it,made me laugh. Sorry, people that this happened to.)
Almost 17,000 people injured themselves to the point ofhospitalization while putting on their pants, socks, tights and stockings in ayear. The main reason behind these injuries was falling or tripping becausethey were getting dressed too hastily. THIS IS MY FAVORITE STATISTIC EVER. Because,you know what it means, right? DON’T WEAR PANTS. Pants will most likely killyou. Let me reiterate: YOUR PANTS ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU. And women, we allknow that stockings are evil. (That was sexist. Also, men. Men who also wearstockings. I don’t mean to be exclusionary.) I mean, stockings SUCK. They ride up,they are uncomfortable and sweaty and the toe-parts always move around and getunder your toes and rub and are uncomfortable. Tights are a little better butnot much. They are crotch-prisons, too. SO AWFUL. So! The next time you’re allwalking around without pants? YOU HAVE MEDICAL PROOF TO BACK YOU UP. Again? Youare WELCOME.
Also, your undergarments are death instruments. True fact: awoman is suing Victoria’s Secret because she says a metal heart on one of theirthongs slingshotted off of the garment and scratched her cornea, causing her tomiss two weeks of work. I’m going to just state the obvious, here. In order forsomething to “slingshot,” there needs to be excessive stretchage and force. Whichmakes me think maybe that thong was a little too tight. So that’s not so much ahousehold accident as it is a sartorial misstep.
I’m just going to quote this outright – “Other menacesaround the home included hair brushes (1394 incidents), vegetables (14,149)piles of ironing (5248) and Q-tips (8569). False teeth caused 933 accidents,clothes baskets 2768, toilet roll holders 287, Brillo pads 226, talcum powder123, and deodorants 431.”
Um. I don’t – ok. There are things here that I assume causedpeople to trip. Like piles of ironing (people have enough ironing to be a PILEof it? Whoa! I think I’ve ironed three times in the past ten years) and clothesbaskets. And I guess you could hurt your gums with false teeth. And (shudder) Iknow people accidentally jam Q-tips into their ears too far and rupture theireardrums, which gives me the willies. I don’t know what the accidents were thatthe other things caused. Allergic reactions? Vegetables – please don’t let thisbe a sexual thing please don’t let this be a sexual thing please don’t let thisbe a sexual thing. Toilet roll holders? Did you drop it and slip and fall onit? Did you jam it in your eye socket? This list is perplexing.
Almost 75,000 people went to the hospital after beinginjured by sofas, armchairs, and footstools. YOUR FURNITURE IS SENTIENT ANDWANTS YOU DEAD AND IS MOST LIKELY IN CAHOOTS WITH YOUR PANTS.
I had to quote this one. Sorry, Britain, I’m stealing leftand right from you, here. But the report’s like ten years old so I don’t thinkI’ll be sued. “One accident report states a woman was carrying a pair in thewaistband of her skirt – sharp end up – when she bent down and stabbed herselfin the stomach.” OK, you know what? She deserved this. Completely deserved it.I have no sympathy. There is no one in the world who doesn’t know scissors aresharp. So let’s put them next to our soft bits and do some lunges! I hope youstabbed yourself in the babymaker because those genes don’t need to be passeddown.
In better news! There were apparently only a little over1,100 people who went to the hospital with chainsaw-related injuries. So that’sgood. Chainsaw accidents and/or murders are on the decline. I guess Leatherfacewas having an off-year? Probably in traction with a pants- or chair-relatedinjury.
So what have we learned today? Your house is trying to killyou. There wasn’t even anything in this article about all of the slip-and-fallsin the bathtub (which I’m 99% sure will be the death of me if my adult-onsetADD or rabid monkeys or zombie apocalypse or midnight smothery breath-stealingcats don’t get me first) or people that fall out of windows or balconies orthat commercial with the crash-test dummies that scared me so much when I wasyounger that some astronomical number of car accidents happened within a mileof your home.
My recommendation: pantsless. Food with no cellophane, novegetables, no packaging, no knives or scissors, no undergarments, nofurniture. And for the love of all that’s shiny NO WILD ANIMAL PETS. Just sitquietly with your pantsless ass against your floor and gnaw on your loaf ofbread or whatever and DO NOT MOVE. Also, you’d probably better give me all of your Thank You pudding, which is very dangerous. I’ll gladly dispose of it in a safe way for you.
You’re welcome! I know. What would you do without me?