You’ve Got a Problem, Yo, I’ll Solve It

I was at a loss today what to write about. So, as you do, Iasked Google. Everyone does this, right? I assume so, because sometimes when Iam searching Google, really stupid questions come up. You can tell because theauto-fill shows you the most popular (I mean, I think it’s the most popular –it might be the most recent, it doesn’t really tell you that) searches likeyour own. For example: today I typed in “What should I blog about today?” Now,please note that I did it more for a laugh than anything. But after typing in“What should I” this is what the auto fill brought back to me along the way:

What is my IP

What is planking
What does my name mean
What to expect
What does smh mean
What should I do
What should I eat
What should I make for dinner
What should I read next
What should I do with my life

This is a microcosm of what is going on in our collectiveminds right now, right? My favorites are the existential questions. Because Idon’t exactly know what I should do with my life, either. Or what I should do,period. Or what to expect. But these people think Google knows. And I kind of love that! Google has become our momand our dad and our encyclopedia and our library and our therapist all rolledinto a ball. Google! HELP ME! 

(Also, I asked Google not too long ago what “smh” means.Shut it. I am old and often don’t know what acronyms stand for. I don’t likesmh. I’ve mentioned this before. I think it’s stupid. “A guy paid me completelyin nickels and dimes for his purchase at work. Smh.” Were you? WERE you syh?Because that seems like a foolish response to that situation. I’d be choumb,honestly. You won’t find that on Google. That’s cussing him out under mybreath. You’re welcome!) 

So! Anyway. (Are you wondering right now, return readers ofmy blog, if I am this easily distracted and off-on-a-tangent-y in real life?Yes! Yes I am. It makes for some fun conversations with me, let me tell you.Sometimes people give up, honestly. They come to me for a discussion about onething and leave not only without the answer to that, but with a head stuffedfull of nonsensical information about things like serial killers in Vancouveror the best quick-dry nail polish topcoats or how much I hate the constant andinane flirting that these two gross people I know keep doing and I’m prettysure they are quite confused, but also maybe a little charmed. Nope. Sorry.Just confused. And maybe angry.) 

Google actually came back with a lot of answers to what Ishould blog about today. And guess what most of them were? Dumb. Yes! Really,really dumb. One guy told me to talk about how I use Facebook to increase mysocial profile. Well, ok, I’d be happy to. I don’t! There. Shortest blog entryever! I use Facebook to keep in touch with friends, stalk people, talk to mybook club, “like” crap, decline stupid game requests, delete passive-aggressivecomments from people I don’t really like but have to be friends with because itwould cause a huge brouhaha if I refused them, tell people Happy Birthday, andkeep up-to-date with all of the theater goings-on in my area, because that’s afull-time job in itself. That was not a helpful blog idea, guy. Fail! 

Then there were a lot of lists with hearts and flowers andlots of stars and such? Which made a migraine almost start? Which said I shouldblog about things like “review your favorite magazine LOL” and “talk about yourcrush but in a secret way.” Oh. Um, ok. Let’s give that a go! 

My favorite magazine is EntertainmentWeekly LOL. (Wait, I’m confused. Do I have to use LOL after the magazine title?Or after every sentence? Because I hate LOL with the fire of a million suns. AmI going against some sort of rule, NOT using LOL? I’m going to buck the systemand not use it. Is the star and heart and flower brigade going to come afterme? Oh my, I hope not. I don’t really have the stamina to deal with that today,or ever, really.) To review: it does not make me think too hard, but it isn’tas stupid as People. It tells meabout upcoming entertainment, and has pretty pictures. Also, the book sectionis really quite good. And Stephen King used to be a guest columnist but stoppedand that was a sad moment. And the bullseye in the back always makes me laugh. 

Listen, I don’t have a lot to SAY about Entertainment Weekly. It comes every week, and it is somewhat entertaining while being about entertainment. This is an exercise in futility. 

Talk about my crush but in a secret way? OK! Shhh. There isthis…individual? And I think he/she/it is peachy? However, he/she/it has noidea I feel that way, because I’m a GROWN-ASS WOMAN AND THIS IS RIDICULOUS ICAN’T DO THIS EFFFFFFFFF 

Listen, I’m too old to have a “crush.” Do I have someonethat I refer to as my “internet boyfriend” because he is someone I only talk toon the internet and we will probably never meet and if we were to meet nothingof a romantic nature would happen because when I meet someone I’ve been talkingto online in real life I always sabotage it in some way? Yes. Yes I do. (A fewyears ago I went on a date with a very nice man I met online. Who, listen, was reallyseriously and not even being sarcastic very nice. And intelligent. And funny.But when we met in person it was like I was dead inside. I was not in the leastbit attracted to him. At all. And also he had no chin. Like, there was hisbottom lip? And then it went directly to his neck. It was off-putting. And ofcourse I assumed he felt the same about me, so I was quite befuddled when, thenext day, he sent me an email telling me how well it had gone and how much hewanted to kiss me but he’d held off because he could tell I was a lady. Aw. Sonice, see! And, because I am a complete and total heartless bitch, I told himthat I was not attracted to him in real life, but thanks, bye! And then peoplesaid, Amy! You can’t SAY that. You should have made something up! To which Ireplied, why drag it out? It’s not like I SAID “You have no chin.” I was vaguerthan that. I’d appreciate if a guy was honest with me for once; I assumed thisguy would appreciate the same thing. I mean, who would benefit from me saying“I’m not in a good place, romantically, right now, sorry?” No one. He’dprobably just say, “Let’s keep in touch and when you are we’ll reconnect” orsome such nonsense! And unless there’s a way for someone to surgically grow achin, that wasn’t ever going to happen, and I didn’t want to get an email everyfew months asking “Ready? Ready now? How about now?” That would be worrisome.Isn’t it always easier to pull the Band-Aid off in one quick yank? Yes. I know.I know, it’s rude to not be attracted to someone because they don’t have a chin.All I can say is, you like what you like; and I like men with chins. I’m sorry.If that makes me superficial, so be it. Mutter under your breath that I’ll beforever alone with an attitude like that. I don’t care. I CAN NOT BE WITHSOMEONE WITHOUT A CHIN.) Also, do I have various and random “TV boyfriends” thatvary depending on what program I’m watching? Yes. Who doesn’t? But do I have a“crush”? No. Not really. The last real crush I had spun out so spectacularlythat I am not eager to have another. That was almost a year ago; I still feellike someone’s stabbing me in the gut with a rusty penknife when I see him, notso much because he was not interested, but because I put myself out there andhe rejected me and also he was a tool and I am the worst judge of characterever and apparently THAT doesn’t change with age. So. Top-secret-like? Crushesare stupid and I am not in high school and if an opportunity were to presentitself for a real, grown-up romance, that would be swell, are you listening,internet boyfriend who has no idea you are my internet boyfriend and mostlikely doesn’t even read my blog? Kickass. 

But now, here is the BEST BLOG IDEA EVER. Ready? I totallyburied the lead, here. A blog that used a lot of pastels and swirly things toldme the following which I am not even going to link back to them because theirlayout annoyed me and also I’m kind of mocking them so that’s mean: “Whatproblem is your blog solving? Identify a reader’s – or a potential reader’s – problem, and produce a post to solve it.”

What have I told you all like a million billion times? I AMTOTALLY A PROBLEM SOLVER. This is a blog idea I can WORK with.  

A problem I believe many people have, based on my extensiveresearch (“research” defined as “observations I’ve made as I go about my day”)is “How Not to Be a Douchebag.” And I would love to give you a list of areas inwhich you might have increased douchebaggery – or even worse, TOOLbaggery – andthen you can STOP DOING THEM. Your problem – SOLVED. By extension – my problem– having to DEAL with your douchebaggery – ALSO solved. Win-win! 


1.   Get awayfrom the goddamn copier when you’re done using it. (Alternately – thecomputer/fax machine/printer/binding machine, but mostly the copier.) If you’redone with it, go lean somewhere else to have a half-hour conversation withsomeone, or to collate a stack of papers as tall as your torso. Because I needto use it ALL THE TIME. And can’t, if you’re using it to prop yourself up.You’re welcome! (This may seem like a job-specific issue, but can also be usedin a Kinko’s setting, or a library, or anywhere else there are more people thanmachines. Like an ER, for example. Or a chopshop. Or a sweatshop, for thatmatter.) 

2.   Stop beinggiggly. It’s like you’re sticking a sharpened chopstick into my ear andgrinding it around. STOP IT. You are a grown woman. There’s no reason to actlike a five-year-old. I know! You think the guys think it’s cute. And honestly?From the looks you’re getting, it seems it’s working. But I can guarantee you,your fellow women not only don’t respect you, they LOATHE you. You’re settingfeminism back 100 years with that giggly shit. Cut it OUT. If the only way youcan get a man is by acting like a minor, maybe rethink the kind of man you’reattracting, because do they have a van with blacked-out windows and a lot oflollipops and a bedside drawer full of restraints? 

3.   Don’tassume the world revolves around you. Because hey, news flash AND spoileralert – IT DOES NOT. There are other people here! All of whom think THE SAMETHING. If 50 people can make a meeting time of 1pm, don’t email the meetingorganizer and ask him to reschedule it for 4pm because 1pm doesn’t work for you– you are in the MINORITY. Why are you more important than all of those otherpeople? And what’s with the attitude, chumpy? You are not more important thananyone else. However! Bear in mind that I am more important than EVERYONE else.Then we’ll get along like gangbusters! (Oh, by the way, because we haven’t hada tangent recently, guess who’s the Mayor of both her local library AND hertheater on Foursquare? THIS WOMAN. So yeah, I have an EMPIRE. Deal with it.It’s quite obvious I am very, very important.) 

4.   No onelikes that much cologne and/or perfume. I mean, really. If I can taste theway you smell when you leave the room, YOU ARE WEARING TOO MUCH. 

5.   Justbecause you’re part of a couple now doesn’t mean you can stop using your brain.I get it. You’re totally in love. And really, even though I’m a complete andtotal heartless bitch, as evidenced by my “no chin hit the road Jack” story, Iam really, really happy for you. But just because now you are getting sexregularly and someone’s calling you sweetheart and buying you stuffed teddybear-like items and helping you with the dishes and whatever else happy couplesdo (I WOULDN’T KNOW DAMN) it doesn’t mean your brain gets to stop working.Return emails; have dinner with friends without your significant other alongonce and a while; start conversations without “Bobby and I think…” or “Bettyand I went…” at least every fifth sentence; don’t use “sorry, you know how itis!” *giggle* *blush* as an excuse to get out of your duties and assume we’llthink you were busy being one-half of a committed couple, therefore we have totake up your slack and like it. As I said: love you. Love your significantother. Also? Love your brain. Miss it, actually. Can it come back? 

There. I have solved a problem. This is bound to bring manynew readers to my blog, readers who have an issue with douchebaggery. It willfix them! I will fix them! I AM A GOLDEN GODDESS. 

I think I also might have answered what I should do with mylife. Obviously, go around the country and fix and/or smite douchebags. What amomentous day! Someday we’ll be celebrating August 10th as DouchebagDay, and who’s laughing THEN? Me, from my gigantic pile of cash money I’vesomehow gotten from this highly lucrative enterprise I just made up out of thinair! Google! You really saved the day, here.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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