I am exhausted. Listen, it is Sunday! A person should not have to clean their entire apartment on Sunday! But I have people coming over tomorrow night, and I’m pretty sure they’d take one look at the place and say, NO! We are not cat-sitting for you while you are on vacation because there is a good chance we will get LEGIONNAIRE’S DISEASE! So I cleaned. Goddammit. But now I am exhausted, and I am fresh out of shiny blog ideas.
Then my teenage cousin put this thing up on her Facebook page.
You kids today, you do these things? I didn’t do these things when I was a kid. They hadn’t been invented yet, I guess. We were too busy inventing the cotton gin or something, I don’t know. They seem like a colossal waste of time. So therefore, perfect for a Sunday when I have nothing of import to say! What’s that, peanut gallery? I never have anything of import to say? Yeah, pipe down and bite me.
So, in honor of my teenage cousin, who is beautiful and intelligent and if we were the same age, would intimidate the hell out of me (who am I kidding, I’ve got about twenty years on the kiddo and she still intimidates the hell out of me, but I seem to amuse her since I’m old and jaded, so win? I guess?), here is a very important quiz she posted where you can learn all about me.
You’re first love calls you what do you say?
Well, first I ask why you used the wrong version of the word “your” in your question, and shake my head about the fact that you’re obviously not paying attention in English class. Also, this could use either a period or a semi-colon. Then I say, “Why are you calling me? How did you get this number? Is your wife aware you’re calling me? I saw those photos of you on Facebook a while ago and I no longer have a crush on you, and you seem kind of dirty now?So goodbye, chump.”
What grade were you in when you had your first real relationship?
Tenth. If you’re nice, you call that a late bloomer. If you’re a jerk you say I’m socially awkward. The second statement is the correct one.
You’re first love calls you crying saying they need you to come over and you have a way there?
Um, seriously, are you going to keep using the wrong version of “your” in every question? This is already giving me a tension headache. Also, this question makes no sense. Are you asking if I have a way there? Yes. Yes I do. I am a grown-ass woman with a car. However, my “first love,” as you so repeatedly squawk, lives 4 hours away, is married, and would never call me as I don’t think we’ve spoken for over twenty years. And if he were to call me, I think I’d be confused as to why that was happening, because my “first love,” as you, again, keep annoyingly asking, did not RETURN my very deep and abiding love. So, yeah. My answer is “I’m not coming, see ya, sucker.”
What color is your underwear?
Really? Did a pervert make this up to find out what color my little cousin’s panties were? None of your business. And I’m calling Chris Hansen. And even though underwear, if you’re asking specifically about panties, is a single item, it’s technically “ARE” your underwear, grammar ninja.
Do you like anyone right now?
I’m liking you less and less.
Ever had your heartbroken?
Wow. Um, yeah, I’ve both been heartbroken, and had my heart broken. And I know how to use spaces in between my words correctly, so, you know, I’m awesome like that. STOP TEXTING AND PAY ATTENTION IN ENGLISH CLASS.
Who do you trust the most in your life?
Myself. Except where shiny things are involved. Then all is lost.
Who do you love most?
This is really a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings. And also, I don’t know. I don’t quantify things that way. I love a few people and in different ways. Whoever wrote this is kind of the most annoying. What’s that? It’s for teenagers? That doesn’t mean it needs to suffer in quality. That’s what’s wrong with society; we keep giving our children sub-standard things and then they expect crap. Better quizzes for all! Start a petition!
Has a tragedy happened in your life?
Wow, way to be a mood-killer. “A tragedy?” Like, a mass-murder, or I lost my cell phone down a train toilet on my way to a field trip to the museum? Emo! Haven’t sad things happened to everyone?
Are you happy?
I will be as soon as I’m done this shit and I’m parked in front of Criminal Minds with a Popsicle. There is nothing that Dr. Spencer Reid can’t cure. Side note – why is my spell-check capitalizing Popsicle? Is that a proper noun, like Kleenex? Someone trademarked Popsicle? Should I call them ice pops from now on or else I have to pay a surcharge of some sort?
How many good friends do you have?
Is it a contest? And by good, do you mean they are selfless and kind, or they’re not acquaintances? And none of your business, stalker.
Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?
Well, not CAN’T. It’s not like my head explodes. It’s not like I’m the Wicked Witch of the West and they’re my bucket of Dorothy-water. But songs I CHOOSE not to listen to? Sure.
Ever been cheated on?
I don’t keep them around long enough for that to be an issue.
Ever been told someone loved you?
By them? By a third party? Is this worded oddly to anyone else? I feel like my IQ level is dropping by the minute, here.
What is your idea of true love?
I want someone to carry my groceries in from the car for me.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe that kids and imbeciles and the people in The Notebook believe in that shit. I also believe it gets them in a lot of trouble. Lust at first sight, sure. Love at first sight? Nope.
Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?
I got a hot emo hipster drummer drunk and made out with him at an 80’s dance party and then he moved away and got married to someone else. Oh, you didn’t ask “Are you still BITTER about the last person you kissed.” Sorry about that.
Your best friend kisses the guy/girl you like, what do you do?
I don’t like anyone. Haven’t I made that abundantly clear? I honestly loathe just about everyone. And I don’t have a best friend. So if my THEORETICAL best friend kissed the THEORETICAL guy I liked, I guess I’d wonder about my stellar choices in both best friends and crush objects.
You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you?
Whoa. Creepy. Yes, I’m thinking, who the hell wrote this and HOW ARE YOU INSIDE MY BRAIN. Yep. As mentioned: thinking about Dr. Spencer Reid and how much I want to go to there.
Is there anything you’d like to say to someone, say it here?
I think I do that every day, don’t I? Um, ok. Wow. Thanks for the permission. Awesome. Also, that comma usage leaves a lot to be desired. I’d like to say “Screw you for telling me in the third grade I needed to be quieter and let other people get better grades than me or no one would like me, third grade teacher I’ve forgotten the name of, because that was super-shitty advice and gave me a complex.” Wow! Freeing! Hoorah!
Were you single on your last birthday?
Did you have teeth when you wrote this? Will you ten minutes from now? Keep asking nosy-ass rude rub-it-in-that-you’re-forever-alone questions, and we’ll see about that.
What are the names of the last five people you hugged?
Let me pull out my LIST. What the hell?
Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most?
True story: I read this as “do you still STALK the person who hurt you the most” and that made me laugh.
Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now?
Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?
No. I live in Rainbow Hollow, where everyone tells the truth always and forever and we ride magical unicorns to our jobs in the Gumdrop Forest. You dumbass.
Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?
Um. Yeah. It was a 60-some year old man I work with, and I have the wrong kind of plumbing for him to want to do any sort of hugging on me. So I’m gonna go with no on that, on so many levels.
Do you think you were an adorable little kid?
Absolutely. I peaked at age 5. Up until then, I was PRECIOUS.
When will your next kiss be?
Let me whip out my crystal ball and predict that the answer is the 5th of never.
Have you ever had a difficult relationship?
You and I are on the outs at the moment.
Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
Ugh. He doesn’t THINK of me. I no longer EXIST to him. He is living in hipster NIRVANA with his hipster WIFE. Let it GO. You are more obsessed with him than you were with my “first twoooo wuvvvv” a while back.
When was the last time you kissed that person?
I have a question for you, actually. When was the last time you fell asleep without fear? Because I can guarantee you, if you ask another stupid question like this, it will be the last time. I will come to your house and drown you in tapioca pudding, babe.
Have you ever had a best friend who was the opposite sex?
Hee hee! What a silly idea! Boys and girls can’t be friends! Their naughty bits are different!
When was the last time you shot a dirty look at someone?
.000001 second ago. If by “someone” you mean my computer screen.
What’s in your pocket?
I’m not happy to see you, if that’s what you’re driving at. I know how you can be with your naughty wordplay.
Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
Yep. Then I thought about keeping my job and practicality won out.
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
TAPIOCA PUDDING. NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU SCREAM.
Does anyone call you baby?
Absolutely, if you want to be kicked, stabbed or verbally assaulted, by all means, demean me with diminutive phraseology.
What if the last person you kissed called right now?
Oh, my. You are the reason unlisted phone numbers were created. Which I have. HE COULD NOT CALL ME HE DOES NOT REMEMBER ME OR HAVE MY NUMBER.
Have you ever made out with somebody on a bed?
Is my father reading this? NO OF COURSE NOT.
Would you go on a road trip with your friends?
WHAT? In a CAR? Would we LAUGH A LOT and EAT ROAD SNACKS and LISTEN TO FUN MUSIC? Who would EVER WANT TO DO THAT?
Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
My attention span’s waning here, honestly. THIS IS SO GODDAMN LONG.
The person you fell hardest for says sorry, what do you do?
Call the cops and tell them I just murdered someone because I told him what would happen if I ever saw him again.
Are you drunk?
Yeah. It’s 4:30pm on a Sunday? And I know in order to do this you’d think I probably would have had to imbibe something? But no. No, I’m as sober as a judge. Unfortunately.
What is it you’re doing right now?
What the hell…THIS. I AM DOING THIS. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE SEVENTEEN YEARS.
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a K?
Let me check my hug list, I’m pretty sure my “people I’ve kissed listed by the first letter of their name” is right under that.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
No. Because that is uncomfortable when you have grown-up breasts.
So, the person you like, their name starts with a B, right?
WHAT IS GOING ON.
Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yeah, I’d forgive them both right the hell out of my life. Bye! Hope you give each other the herp!
Where did you get the pants your wearing?
My closet. Oh, before that? I have no idea. I think I probably found them on the ground somewhere and started wearing them. I have no sense of fashion at all. Seriously. None. It’s kind of embarrassing how little I care.
What’s your plans for the next 2 weeks?
What ARE my plans, you mean, of course, correct? And why do you ask? You’re totally going to wall me up in my basement behind some stones, aren’t you, all Poe-style. Dammit.
Do you act differently around the person you like?
I totally punch him on the playground. That’s how he KNOWS I dig him!
Is there someone that you find yourself constantly changing for?
Billy Joel told me not to go changin’, to try to please him, and I always listen to Billy Joel, because Billy Joel also promised me that Captain Jack would take me to my special island, and I’m pretty stoked about that and hoping it happens soon.
Can you trust girls?
BITCHES, THE LOT OF ‘EM. BROS BEFORE HOS.
What woke you up this morning?
I had to piss like a damn racehorse.
Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed?
Why aren’t YOU texting him if you love him so much? I DON’T KNOW HIS NUMBER, AM FUZZY ON HIS LAST NAME, AND I THINK HIS WIFE MIGHT NOT LIKE IT.
Whats currently bothering you?
Your ignorance of grammatical usage laws. And the fact that my cousin took this whole thing and I couldn’t make it through without multiple sanity breaks and a lot of cussing at the screen and one time I yelled at the cats for no reason and I had to mute the television because it was too distracting.