Category Archives: results

Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 19)

Howdy, folks! How do you feel about answering some questions today? Super-good? Yeah, me too. It’s like giving back, right? That’s supposed to make you feel good about yourself. And it’s much less scary than, say, giving a ride to a hitchhiker with one eye and a knife poking out of his belt. No, that wasn’t a euphemism.

We didn’t get a ton of questions this month, but we got some doozies. We always do, round these here parts. It’s inevitable, really, much like the sun coming up, the tides to-ing and fro-ing, and Dumbcat starting to beg for treats around 6pm even though treat time is 8pm, because he cannot read a clock.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or maybe your mom left the parental control off the laptop when she went out with “Uncle” Harold, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. Yesterday was the search term post, so, as you can see, today’s the question post. Nice how that works, yeah? Sure is.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And as much as I like the traffic, I do feel bad for people who are weeping and wailing because they’re lost and alone and somehow trapped on Lucy’s Football island, even though it’s a wonderful place to be.

how many times a week to shave hands men Whoa whoa whoa. Shave your HANDS? OK, I know some men who have, like, super-hairy backs or chests or even shoulders or something, and they get waxed, sometimes, but I have to honestly say I’ve never heard of any man shaving his hands. Help me out, people, anyone ever heard of this? My answer for this is never. Never times a week. Leave your poor hands alone. You’re welcome, waxing’s better for such things, anyway.

how to make statue from string I think you build a structure from balloons, then wrap the balloons with string soaked in either glue or papier maché, then you pop the balloons and the structure stands on its own. You’re welcome, aren’t you glad I know things like this because I did set construction at theaters for years and years?

See? Like this, only larger-scale. Easy enough.

See? Like this, only larger-scale. Easy enough.

i was alienated from my mother by my father and stepmother how to fix Jeez, it’s like you’re living a terrible fairy tale. I’m so sorry. Talk to your mom; explain the situation. It might take some time to repair things; things don’t just get back to the way they were overnight. Be kind to your mom. Apologize. And what’s going on with your father and stepmother? They sound a bit wicked. Maybe distance yourself from them for a bit until everyone grows up a little? You’re welcome. Good luck, cherry blossom.

is a cat a rodent Oh, Andreas will love this one. No, a cat is not a rodent. A mouse or a rat is a rodent. A cat is a feline. (Also a carnivore, I suppose, if you want to be all sciency.) You’re welcome, you know you can Wikipedia these things, right?

This is also a feline; it will, however, eat your face.

This is also a feline; it will, however, eat your face.

is amy a common name? Unfortunately, yes. I think it’s less common now, but in the 70s, when I was born, it was the #1 girl’s name. There were so many Amys of my age that I was just one of many. I had a locker right next to an Amy who had the same last initial as me, as well. I’m not a fan of my first name. I wish it was something a little more jazzy, frankly. But it’s too late now. I’m not changing it. People would just be too confused if I showed up one day and was Zoë or something. You’re welcome, please name your kid something more original.

should i shovel snow if i’m sick Nice way to try to get out of something, trickster. I mean, if you’re DYING, no. Probably not. But if you just have the sniffles, sure. Get on out there and shovel that terrible white stuff. It’s awful while you’re doing it, and it hurts your back, but on the bright side, it’s excellent exercise, and when you’re done, you feel very accomplished. You’re welcome, stop dog-ate-my-homework-ing your household chores.

the best hooker for a spaceship OMG! The best hooker! Well, the answer is obviously Inara from Firefly. But she wasn’t as much a “hooker” as she was a “Companion.” I’m curious, are you building a spaceship? And populating it with hookers? You’re welcome, and also a little weird.

No question, this is the one you want.

whats worse porn or literotica Well. Worse is a little subjective, isn’t it? Is there anything wrong with either, if used properly? I mean, if you don’t get all obsessive, or think they’re real, or expect real women or men to act the way they do in porn/literotica, or read/watch really violent things and then act them out with unwilling partners, or something. I don’t judge these things. I assume everyone likes some sort of porn. It’s the way the world works. You’re welcome, don’t be so hard on yourself. Not a euphemism.

why always stupid people got big mouth Why always, indeed. Well, I think it’s that you’re annoyed by them, for whatever reason, so they seem super-loud and bothersome. Maybe someone you love seems stupid to someone else, and therefore would seem big-mouthed to that person, you know? It’s all in how you see it. I mean, it could also be that the stupid people have low self-esteem so are louder, I suppose. There are a lot of ways to look at this. You’re welcome, maybe invest in some earplugs?

why am i such a shut in I need more info. Are you injured, and therefore can’t leave the house? Are you suffering from severe agoraphobia? Do you hate people? If you don’t like how shut in you are, do something to change it – and that’s usually get out. Look in the paper and online, find something you like to do that’s going on, and go to it. Don’t let it daunt you. Go with someone, or go alone, but have a good time. And each thing you go to gets less scary and less scary until they’re not scary to go to at all anymore. Seriously. Or, alternately, get some medication that makes going out of the house easier to deal with. Worked for me. You’re welcome; I hope things get better for you.

why are lane bryant stores so expensive Because they know they can charge us more; there are very few good plus-sized stores out there, and people will pay a premium for nice clothes that fit (somewhat) well. (I recommend shopping elsewhere; I’ve had excellent luck at thrift stores, Peter Harris Plus, online, and Target. All for a fraction of what I’d pay at Lane Bryant.) You’re welcome; if they’re overcharging, choose to spend your money elsewhere.

why people shouldnt have butterfly knives Because they’re easy to hide away and ultimately stabby, I think. Not really sure. If you ask Dad, he’d say “THE GOVERNMENT!” or “BECAUSE OBAMA!” so don’t ask Dad. You’re welcome, maybe buy some nunchucks.

Yeah, THIS doesn't look dangerous at all.

Yeah, THIS doesn’t look dangerous at all.

On a scale of one to ten, one being WTH WAS THAT and ten being THE BEST THING EVER, how helpful were those answers? 4? I’ll take it.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may your February be warmer than your January. Because no one likes the frozen wasteland of tundra of his January. NO ONE NO ONE.

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Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 18)

Whoo! Night of craziness around here; hoping to get this up for tomorrow. I’m still hellbent on getting on the road tomorrow for the holiday. See, I’m a stubborn little donkey. Some might say jackass; they wouldn’t be wrong. However, the weather for where I’m going is…not great. Not great at all.

See the 8-12″ area up near Canada? That’s my parents’ house. I’m driving right into the purple. Because I am a JACKASS. I might end up backing out at the last minute, but I’m all packed and ready to go because I really want to go. I really want turkey and family this year. My mother is convinced this will be my death and even TALKING to her about it makes me want to throw something across the room. “Do you think all thousands of people who are traveling tomorrow will die?” I asked her. “Maybe,” she replied. MAYBE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE, PER MOM. (I’m not telling Dad I’m coming. This is a surprise for Dad. That’s another reason I want to go. I so, so badly want to go.)

ANYWAY. Let’s get on to answering your questions, why don’t we? I mean, I can’t let you go into the holidays with your questions all unanswered. That’d be a dick move.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or maybe are a time-traveller from the 1890s and are confused about the glowing box with the words in it, WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE HERE?!?!, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. This month there were a lot of questions. I guess you’re all just adrift and seeking guidance. Which makes me sad, because I’m like the worst person to give that advice. But for you, little jellybeans, I keep on tryin’. I like you just that much.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how can I not answer their questions? I ask you that! I mean, that’s like walking past a lost dog. YOU CANNOT DO IT. That poor dog. It wants you to help it, with its sad eyes and mournful whimpers. HELP THAT DOG, DAMMIT!

HELP HIM HE IS LOOOOOST!

HELP HIM HE IS LOOOOOST!

are the children really our future Well. I guess, in like an existential sense, they are. They’re going to be taking care of you in the nursing home someday. But that’s not the only reason you should be nice to children. They’re like these little PEOPLE, you know? And they’re AMAZING. They’re like little information sponges. And they look up at you with these huge eyes and they think you hung the moon. How can you not live up to the person they think you are? How can you let that little person down? It’s not that they’re our future. They’re our NOW. You’re welcome. Be nice to the little ones in your life, ok? They deserve the best possible you that you can be.

can raccoon dogs be pets No. No, they cannot. They are wild animals and they are bitey. Stop trying to make wild animals pets. SIDE NOTE: Andreas saw not ONLY a raccoon dog but ALSO a hedgehog recently in his land of Finns and they aren’t always around. This makes me think that most likely the animals I most want to see are migrating back to Andreas’ island because they heard I was coming to visit soon (LESS THAN SIX MONTHS FROM NOW!) and they want to meet me. I am excited to meet you, too, raccoon dogs and hedgehogs! But, as much as I want to, I will not bring you home with me in my luggage – BECAUSE YOU ARE WILD ANIMALS. Wild animals are not pets. You’re welcome; be wise in your choice of pets or you’re going to get eaten by them.

I am not your pet; I will eat your face. Thank you.

I am not your pet; I will eat your face. Thank you.

how many curtis lumber accidents Ha! Like, at the Curtis Lumber store? I would hope not many. Are you implying that like a stack of lumber would fall on the shoppers’ heads or something? Do you know something I don’t? I just looked online and there have been a couple accidents, but they were employees who got sucked into sawmills or something, and now I have the shivers. Thanks a lot, searcher, YOU GAVE ME THE SHIVERS. You’re welcome, stop giving people the shivers.

does zak bagans have a skype account Why would you want to know this? Are you going to call him up and Skype him? He’s not going to accept your call. He’s going to be all, “this is a stranger” and ignore you. Also, he’s a douche. Why do you want to talk to Zak Bagans? SIDE NOTE: the other night, Dad said, “You know who’s still pretending to find ghosts? That guy with the gas mask. Whenever I’m flipping around channels and I see him I think, that guy is the worst and I’m not going to watch that show but if Amy was here she would make me watch that show just to laugh at that guy and she calls him the Ghost Douche.” You’re welcome. Maybe just Skype with people who won’t give you long-distance STDs?

how do i not get in trouble by my mom I don’t know, don’t do things that piss your mom off? Or don’t get caught, I guess. It’s a little of each. Or practice your saddest face when you DO get in trouble, your “OMG, MOM, I got in trouble, but LOOK HOW CUTE I AM!” and maybe that’ll help. Best of luck to you. You’re welcome. Behave yourself, kiddo.

how much is a mummyfied squirrl worth WHOA! A mummyfied squirrl! I don’t know how much a mummyfied squirrl would be worth, or even how much a mummified squirrel would be worth, to be honest. I’m thinking not much. One time I found a somewhat-mummified squirrel in my bed. TRUE STORY! I went to camp and we were making up our beds and when I went to do so there was a dead mummified squirrel in the bed. It also might have been frozen. It was a long time ago. All I know is that it was dead and I was all, huh. There’s a dead squirrel where I sleep. This is a worry. And Mom was all GROSS! And Dad was all, let’s throw that outside, ok? And then I made the bed. Things don’t gross me out much. Oh, you’re still waiting for me to answer your question. Um…let’s say $10. Does $10 sound ok? You’re welcome. Good luck with your mummyfied squirrl.

This adorable red squirrel is unimpressed with your mummification, my friend.

This adorable red squirrel is unimpressed with your mummification, my friend.

how to accidentally get someone to see your blog Hee! Accidentally. Well, a lot of people seem to accidentally see mine through misguided search terms. But I haven’t a single idea how to rope those people into seeing your blog by accident. I could give you a bunch of tips about search engine optimization and such, but you’d have better luck finding those elsewhere. Here’s my main tip: write a lot. If you write a lot, eventually people will start stumbling upon your blog. You’re welcome. Best of luck with everything.

how to deal with accidental homophobia in your friends Accidental homophobia? Like, someone accidentally gaybashes or something? Or calls someone an offensive term but then apologizes? No, I’m completely serious, I’m asking, what does this mean? OK, let’s assume there’s this strange “accidental homophobia” amongst your friends. I would think the best way to deal with it was to say, “hey, Friend, casually dropping that term in conversation really wasn’t cool; you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” No? Fine. This is how I would deal with it: “Did you really just say the word ‘fag’? Sincerely? I kind of want to punch you in the neck right now.” Sincerely. I’m a mouthy broad. You’re welcome, I think, even though I don’t totally understand your question.

how to use your common sense in giving guidance If you have to ask, then I can’t help you with this. No, sincerely, I mean it. Common sense isn’t something you can learn. It’s something you have – or you don’t – and if you have to think about using it when giving advice, I’m thinking it’s too late for you. Some people are better at common sense than others, is all. I’m usually decent at it when it comes to others; I’m not always great at it when it comes to myself. I think a lot of people are like that, honestly. You’re welcome; just do your best. It’s all anyone can do.

is the world being overran by sluts No. No, I don’t think so. And I think the casual use of the word “slut” is demeaning and childish. And I think you WISH the world was being overrun by “sluts” but honestly, even the question shows you’re a small little person with a mean streak and you think you’re allowed to pass judgment on others. I’d say you were welcome, but you don’t even get that from me, because you’ve kind of pissed me off, to be honest.

what can you use for a rainbow bright costume if you don’t have the address The address for what? For Rainbow Brite? Like, her mailing address? This question confuses me. I think you could use whatever you want for your costume. Make it yourself from fabric from the craft store, I don’t know. I just want you to tell me what address you’re talking about. You’re welcome. I hope you’re the best Rainbow Brite of them all.

Look, I found you a pattern! Make your own costume! TA DAH!

Look, I found you a pattern! Make your own costume! TA DAH!

what does it mean if somebody says you are the lucy with the football That you’re mean and tricky and a tease, I guess. That you keep dangling things over someone’s head, but pulling them away at the last minute. That you’re kind of a jerk. I hope that’s not you. You’re welcome; be nice to people, ok?

what happens if my car is hit in the middle of the night with my insuarance agency I assume the same thing that happened when mine was hit while I was in the theater; if no one sees it, and there’s no one to blame, you pay your deductible (which is usually a lot) and get it fixed. I think there’s something about no-fault states but I don’t know which states are no-fault and I’m not 100% sure what it means, to be honest. I find car insurance very confusing. I think you decide whether it’s worth driving around with your car all jacked up, or fixing it yourself, or calling your insurance agency. I found that my gecko was not very helpful when I needed them, to be honest, but they’re cheap, so whatever, I stick with them. You’re welcome. Sorry about your accident.

what to give to to your boyfriend whan he is leaving A kick in the ass? A well-timed insult? Copious weeping and pleas for him to stay? Oh, you’re probably asking about gifts, yeah? In which case, I’m going to assume you still like him? Then I guess give him something so he’ll remember you. NO NOT NAKED PHOTOS. Those are never a good idea. Something with meaning for both of you; maybe music or a photo, I don’t know. I don’t know your life. Just stay in touch with him while he’s gone, you know? Call and text and email and Skype. Distance doesn’t have to be so bad, if you make an effort. You’re welcome. Best luck, little marshmallow.

That was a lot of questions. I’m totally weary.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may you have a month of joy and wonder and very few pokes in the eye with a sharp stick. How few? Less than 1 is ideal. Aim for that.


Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 17)

I may or may not get this up for Wednesday; I’m cutting it close tonight. I had other things to write, and then I have ANOTHER thing to write before snoozetimes. I tend to have too many things to do and not enough time to do it. It’s a thing with me; I’ve grown to accept it.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or have that thing wrong with you like Drew Barrymore in that sappy Adam Sandler movie where you forget everything when you wake up in the mornings, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. Somehow there were more questions than search terms this month. I can never predict you guys, You’re tricksy, you are.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how can I not answer their questions? I mean, that’d be the rudest thing ever. Think of the bad karma that’d get me! I can’t afford to rack up bad karma, I’m still trying to work off all the bad karma from when I was a callow youth!

are there any real followers of wordpress blogs Ha! Well, lately, I DO have to wonder. My followers are mostly blogs with names like “truerealporn” and “vaccuumsforsale” and I’m FAIRLY sure those aren’t, like, real blogs with real points of view and such. But, yes. There are real followers; I get comments from them daily (and sometimes even new ones, which is always nice! Hi, new people! Who are really real humans!) WordPress, take note: people are searching if there are ANY REAL BLOGS on your site. This is your wakeup call to crack down on the spammers. You’re welcome. Spammers, take a hike.

do autistic kids get merka Good grief, I don’t even know if *I* get Merka. What kind of question is this? This has me extremely perplexed. I don’t know that ANYONE gets Merka. Weird conservative people talk a lot about SAVING Merka, but GETTING Merka, that’s a whole different thing, isn’t it? And what the hell does autism have to do with it? I’d say you’re welcome, but your question is weird, and it’s also vaguely offensive, so you get no thanks from me, Odd McGurk.

MERKA!!!!

MERKA!!!!

what are helpful services for crossdressers to be more feminine Aw, I love how polite this question is.  You’re very sweet. Helpful services! Well, I’d say it’s all in the clothes…and your clothes start with your support items, I think. I don’t know much about crossdressing, but I believe you need good lingerie and such. I believe a good scarf or turtleneck would cover your neck (I’ve been in situations where I’ve tried to tell if someone was male or female…don’t ask) and as for your hands? Not really sure. But if I have anyone who knows about such things, time to speak up. Look how polite the question was, yo! You are welcome. I have much love for crossdressers; I’ve known some lovely ones in my time.

how to write a i meant nothing to you letter I’m confused again. Who writes a “I meant nothing to you” letter? Those are letters you RECEIVE. And they’re more “YOU meant nothing to ME” letters, aren’t they? (And who writes these things anymore? I think people break up with you via text nowadays. Or, in my case, they just stop talking to you, and then you’re like, “oh, are we broken up now?” and they’re like, “we were never together” and you’re like, “oh, huh, well, that hurt, you bastard.”) I guess if this is something you NEED to write…well, just write the damn thing. I’ve had equal success and failure with letters I’ve drafted for days and with letters I spewed out at 1am because I was so upset I needed to get the words out…so there’s no hard and fast rule for such things. You’re welcome; I’m sorry you meant nothing to someone. That person sounds like a douchecanoe, if it helps at all.

Nothing! NOTHING!!!1!

Nothing! NOTHING!!!1!

is there a way to hang out with cartoons Um. I don’t…do you mean like you want to enter a Roger-Rabbit-style world and rub up on Jessica or something? Or go into a video game? I don’t even know what to make of this. I suppose you could learn to draw and draw yourself into a comic book or something? You are aware cartoons aren’t REAL, right? OK. Just making sure. You’re worrying me. You’re welcome; maybe go out, hang with some real people, see how that works out for you?

I'll hang out with these cartoons. These are my peeps.

I’ll hang out with these cartoons. These are my peeps.

do you know any lonely men who have sex with blowup dolls blogs I can say, unequivocably, that no. No, I do not know any blogs that are specific to this exact thing. I would think those people were much too busy to be blogging. What with the sexing plastic dolls and all. And they’re probably too sticky to be typing. What? I’m just SAYING. You’re welcome, maybe read something a little less…sad?

examples of signs to post so people clean up after themselves you made the mess now clean it for house Well, here’s the thing. You don’t seem to need an example; you can just type up “you made the mess; now clean it” and hang it up. BAM. SOLVED IT. I mean, you COULD write something disgustingly cute like “Your mama doesn’t work here, so clean up after yourself!” or something, but just a simple sign like “Stop being a huge hog and wipe up your mess, you gross pig” will do just as well. You’re welcome, I’m sorry people are gross in your house – but I do have to ask, if it’s your HOUSE, you obviously KNOW the people, can’t you just TALK to them?

what are some symptoms of monkeyphobia An irrational fear of monkeys. You’re welcome; some questions are easier than others. (Also, Andreas would kill me if I didn’t tell you it’s either called maimouphobia or pithikosophobia but it’s definitely not called monkeyphobia, although that word made me giggle.)

TERRIFYING! Urgh. Stupid monkeys.

TERRIFYING! Urgh. Stupid monkeys.

talking in sleep keeps me awake,what to do This has totally happened to me. To my dad, too. It runs in my family. (Once my dad said in his sleep, “Get that dog outta the garage! Go to the phone booth. THERE ARE BIRDS!” and when I said something to him the next day, he was all, “I would never say that. That doesn’t even make SENSE” but he totally did.) My roommate used to tell me she heard me talking in my sleep through the wall but she could never hear what I said, exactly. (That’s good. I was probably sharing really important secrets.) I don’t know what to do, exactly. Maybe go to a sleep clinic? I hear they can fix such things. Me, I’m too nervous about sleeping in front of people STARING at me to even try such a thing, but why don’t you do it and report back? You are welcome. Best of luck, my similarly-afflicted friend.

what are the places no one goes in ohio that are to scarey OMG TO SCAREY! I don’t know. Are there “scarey” places in Ohio? Maybe corn mazes? Haunted mansions? Places no one goes. This is pretty open-ended. Ohio people, please feel free to chime in on “scarey” places no one goes. My Ohio knowledge is pretty lacking. You’re welcome, if you go ghosthunting, remember to wear a gas mask like that douchey Zak Bagans.

Look, I found what seems to be a Ohio zombie strip club. Is that your thing?

Look, I found what seems to be a Ohio zombie strip club. Is that your thing?

what are some very very romantic love stories VERY VERY ROMANTIC. That’s pretty subjective, bub. What I think is very, very romantic and what you think is very, very romantic are two different beasts, most likely. For example: when I was younger, I thought Wuthering Heights was pretty romantic, until I grew up and realized the relationship those two had was more obsessive and abusive than romantic. Fine, some romantic things I can think of off the top of my head: The Time Traveler’s Wife, One Day, The Princess Bride, Eleanor and Park, Outlander (and don’t you even; I have already defended this choice. I understand it’s unpopular with some people based on content; I’m not going to defend my choices again.) You’re welcome; I hope you find the romance you’re looking for, and that romance isn’t between a sparkly vampire and a clumsy high-schooler.

was marlin perkins homosectual? I have no idea if he was gay or not, but I’m QUITE sure he wasn’t homosectual. I wasn’t even aware there was such a sect. Is there a dress code? Kicky hats, perhaps? Feather boas? You’re welcome. You’ve given me a LOT to think about.

what is the name of those piercings that go by your eye It’s just a microdermal piercing. It doesn’t have a specific name. I just read that they reject like 90% of the time. NINETY PERCENT. And you have to get them CUT OUT OF YOUR SKIN. And they SCAR. Your FACE. I’m voting no on this, anonymous searcher. You’re welcome, stick to things that are less scarry, ok?

what is it called when a guy cries or begs over you Sad? Worrisome? Unbalanced? Something you don’t want to happen, even if you think you do, because I promise you, it’s not as romantic as you think it is? You’re welcome. Life’s not a rom-com, babe.

SO MANY QUESTIONS MY GOODNESS!

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and may you stay away from the wendigo. What wendigo? Best you don’t ask too many questions, really. Best for EVERYONE.


Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 16)

I know, I’m cutting this close, yo. It’s almost the end of the damn month. I got busy. SO BUSY. Like, a million things all happened at once. What the hell, life, why are you so weird.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or have recently had a traumatic brain injury, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. There are not a lot of questions this month. Which is kind of good, because it’s totally an hour before bed and I’m wiped out.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And I mean, listen, I like the traffic, but then I just feel bad, thinking of all these poor lost souls, all, “Where’s the bathroom?” when they ended up in the coat closet. DON’T PEE ON MY COATS, YOU.

do mix girls like asian guys 

Well, this is just a weird-ass question. My thought is, first, what’s a “mix” girl. Like, a girl who really likes mixers (either the appliance or the things you put into drinks or the dance?) Or are you referring to someone with mixed racial heritage? If it’s the latter, do you know what “mix” girls like? Men who don’t call them “mix” girls. Also, another thing girls like? Men who respect them; who are intelligent and funny and kind. If you’re also Asian? Well, fine, then. It’s more the person inside of there than the person outside of there. I’ve fallen for men who were not at all traditionally-attractive, I suppose you’d say – because they made me laugh. Or were amazing writers. Or one of a million other things, and only later, looking back on the situation, or on photos, did I even think, “Oh, he wasn’t so hot after all, I never noticed that.” The kind of girl you want won’t notice those things. Promise. There’s chemistry, or there’s not. You’re welcome. Stop saying mix girls.

what are the effects of huffing spray paint 

Brain damage. Paint all over your face. People laughing at you. Imprisonment. Your mug-shot being all over the internet. DO NOT HUFF. Huffing is idiotic. Seriously, at what point in history did people come up with these ways to get high, drinking hand sanitizer and huffing and making drugs out of cold pills? You people are super-creative. Imagine what could happen if you used your smarts to make the world a BETTER place? You’re welcome, don’t huff, you dork.

is evil noise music ruining children 

I Googled "Evil Noise Music" and this came up and the kid with the hat is making me laugh. A lot. I don't know if he's evil, but he's FUNNY.

I Googled “Evil Noise Music” and this came up and the kid with the hat is making me laugh. A lot. I don’t know if he’s evil, but he’s FUNNY. What’s happening in this photo, any guesses?

EVIL NOISE MUSIC! Well, I don’t know. My grandparents hated The Beatles and yelled at my mom for listening to them and said they were terrible; my parents hated the music my brother listened to (rap, it was a lot of rap, for a while) and tolerated most of mine (mostly because my music was 60s stuff with some whiny Debbie Gibson and New Kids on the Block early on – DON’T YOU EVEN JUDGE, like you didn’t do the same thing, have horrible peer-pressurey taste back in the day) and I’m sure someday I will hate what The Nephew listens to. Just let it go, unless it’s really violent or cussy or misogynistic. The more you yell at them the more they want to listen to it. And in twenty years, it’ll seem tame. Sincerely. You’re welcome. Hee, evil noise music.

help i am dating a man with fearful attachment style 

FEARFUL ATTACHMENT STYLE! Did they listen to a lot of evil noise music as a child?

Oh, sorry. Apparently this is really a thing. Wikipedia tells me actually called “fearful-avoidant attachment style” (attachment style? This is a thing now?) and it means they are “somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others, want emotionally close relationships, but find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them, and sometimes worry that they will be hurt if they allow themselves to become too close to others. People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with, sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don’t trust the intentions of their partners. Similarly to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Instead, they are much less comfortable initially expressing affection.”

Here, I found you a handy chart. How did I not know this was a thing until today?

Here, I found you a handy chart. How did I not know this was a thing until today?

That’s a lot of stuff, yo. What if you agree with half of these things? I’m half of these things. Am I fearful or avoidant? HELP ME WIKIPEDIA. (I just checked out the styles and I’m like half this and half “anxious-preoccupied” and now I feel like a crazy. Also, what the hell, attachment styles. When did THIS become a thing? Oh, the 60s and 70s. OF COURSE. Damn hippies.

But this is about you. I don’t know how to fix your relationship, my darling; perhaps go to therapy. This person sounds sad to me, and hard to get close to. I get the trust issues. See, once you let someone in, and you 100% trust them, they can hurt you 100%. And that’s so, so hard to allow. So it’s a lot easier to wall yourself off. But then again, if you do that, you’re denying yourself access to other people…so it’s kind of sucktastic all around. 

Therapy. Or break up, I suppose. You’re welcome. I’m sorry.

how many times do you shave in a week 

Well, THAT’S nosy. It depends on what I’m wearing and what weather there is. DON’T YOU EVEN JUDGE. If I was in some sort of relationship where someone was seeing my euphemisms, I’d care more? But NO ONE IS. So I let it go. Who even cares, the cat? The cat doesn’t care. He’s VERY hairy. He probably thinks it’s COOL that I don’t shave more. And YES, future husband who I’m sure in a meet-cute sort of scenario is reading this RIGHT NOW, once we’re all hot and heavy, I’ll totally shave more. I promise.

Wait, are you one of those shaving-pervs? Andreas gets like a billion hits because ONE TIME he posted a photo of a lady shaving her face. YOU PEOPLE. Not everything is sexy!

I didn’t really answer your question, Nosy McGurk. I don’t know. Sometimes 3 times, sometimes not at all. It varies. You’re welcome, mind your own business.

is the island of misfit toys a concentration camp 

Spotted Elephant is disappointed in you.

Spotted Elephant is disappointed in you.

Whoa. Way to take THAT into a very dark place. Is that what we’re saying now? No, I don’t think I’d compare that to a concentration camp; you do know what went on in the camps, right? I mean, we didn’t SEE any toys being subjected to that. Maybe more of an internment camp, if you need to put labels on a children’s show. But invoking the Holocaust is lazy writing. You can do better. I have faith in you. You’re welcome, try harder next time, ok?

what are the lyrics to the poem there once was a girl from nantucket 

You’re naughty, is what you are. I’m not going to tell you. You can Google that shit all on your own. But I do want to say this: the words in a poem are not “lyrics.” They can be words, or lines, or stanzas, but they’re definitely not lyrics, because that’s what SONGS have. So I’m going to assume that’s why you’re HERE, and not somewhere REALLY finding out what happened in Nantucket. (HINT: search “there once was a MAN from Nantucket;” you’ll have much better luck. I promise.) You’re welcome, you naughty duck.

why do temps test have such stupid questions 

Temps tests? Like, tests to be a temp in an office? I don’t remember them being that hard. I was a temp for YEARS. I temped-to-hire for a while; I temped here and there for a while. It was easy and I didn’t mind it much. It was kind of nice, moving around day to day. Never long enough to get annoyed by people. (What, shush it, people are totally annoying.) All I remember was a typing-speed test, and they interviewed me originally. What kind of questions are you being asked? Are you sure it’s a temp agency and not a practical joke or something? You’re welcome, I’m totally curious right now.

Whew! Got it in under the wire and can still get to bed in time to get…well, SOME sleep. Not ENOUGH, but SOME.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and I’d say I hope you dance, but I don’t wish that on anyone, you know? Dancing is totally hard unless you’re coordinated.


Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 15)

Whoo-hoo! I know you were all on the EDGES of your SEATS, just utterly BATED-BREATHING, waiting to see if this would happen this month. AND IT IS! IT WILL! Look at that! Happy days! HAPPY DAYS!

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Since we skipped this recurring nonsense last month due to lack of questions, some people might be head-scratchy right now. And that might be due to lice; I don’t know your life. But it ALSO might be due to CONFUSION, and if I can help with that, I’m happy to.

Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And last month we didn’t have enough questions so this post had to be carefully packed in mothballs and put in the closet, but this month I am able to SET IT FREE! And dude, now it totally reeks of mothballs in here, whew.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how am I supposed to just leave them hanging? I can’t do that. It makes me too sad. I don’t like to see people lost and wandering. It makes me want to give them a map, and maybe a cookie.

how can i train bing to find my blog?

The question mark and the Google colors say it all, really.

The question mark and the Google colors say it all, really.

Hee, “train” Bing. Like it’s a naughty puppy that keeps piddling on the rug. Well, first, are you really using Bing? Does anyone actually use Bing? I feel like Bing is a huge Gob-Bluth sized mistake. Those commercials for Bing that come on TV? I totally yell at those. “NO ONE USES YOUR PRODUCT! THE WORD “GOOGLE” HAS REPLACED THE WORD “SEARCH” ON THE INTERNET! WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO EVEN ENTER THAT MARKET? NO ONE’S EVER GOING TO SAY ‘BING THAT, DUDE!’ BECAUSE IT SOUNDS PERVY!” I don’t know if there’s any “training” a search engine. I think it learns from people’s searches, and also I know Google puts you higher in their search terms based on some sort of complicated algorithm. I doubt Bing has an algorithm. I think they have hamsters running on wheels. You’re welcome, stop using inferior search engines.

how get rid people you may know facebook asshole OK, first, I have to ask: why is the word “asshole” in your search just hanging out there? It’s so strangely-placed. And second, I’ve told you all a million times, you cannot get rid of that. JUST DON’T LOOK AT IT. Or if it bothers you so much, you have two options: a., put a piece of paper over that section whenever you go on Facebook, or b., STOP USING FACEBOOK. It is a free service. If you hate one of the functions of it that much, you pretty much work around it, or you stop using it. You’re welcome, you cussy bastard.

how many times a day does the average person fart Well, this is somewhat sciency. I suppose. I will research this for you. (How did this question get you HERE? I don’t even know that I USE the word fart. Like, not OFTEN.) The internet says the answer is 14, and we produce half a liter of gas a day. Half a liter. Are we in Europe, here, Google? No, we are not. In MERKAN measurements, that’s 2.11 cups of gas a day. And that makes me giggle. Sorry, sometimes I’m about 5 years old. You’re welcome, now you know a new thing. About farting.

how to get a lifetime supply of red bull

No. I have no interest in coming to your world. Stay away, world.

No. I have no interest in coming to your world. Stay away, world.

Good grief, why would you want this? Red Bull tastes like electrified ass. It’s TERRIBLE. I can’t imagine how you would get this. But I’m here to answer your questions. So…um…I guess you might win a contest where the prize is a lifetime supply of Red Bull? Or you could be like one of those coupon hoarder people on that show I used to watch about couponing who had like an additional room for their stashes and when there’s an excellent sale on Red Bull, you could buy additional coupons from one of those sites that sells coupons and then buy a lot of cheap Red Bull and if you bought enough of it, it’d be enough for a lifetime? But seriously, you don’t need that much Red Bull. Just get more sleep. Maybe take an iron supplement or something. Seriously, that shit is GROSS. You’re welcome, take better care of your body.

how to start a conversation at happy hour Aw, this is sweet and kind of sad. Don’t be cheesy, is my suggestion. Maybe just start a conversation like a normal human. “Whew, crowded in here tonight, right?” If he/she responds in a manner that implies that they might want to talk more (as in, they smile, or talk to you) then continue on from there. Introduce yourself. Say something that starts conversation, not something dead-endy like “You are drinking wine. Do you like wine?” Then he/she says yes, and where do you go from there, you know? “Me too?” You sound like a weirdo. Just don’t say one of those things like “Heaven must be crying tonight, because it lost one of its angels” or “Your legs must be tired, you’ve been running through my dreams all night” because, well, no. Thanks. (SIDE NOTE: once, a weirdo tried to pick up my pretty friend at a bar. She was singing along with the song that was playing a little, and he was all, “Gah, you KNOW this song? THIS SONG SUCKS!” all loud in her face. Then he just stood there grinning. I think he thought this was a good opening gambit. It was not. Not at all. She avoided him the rest of the night, and he just looked SO CONFUSED. What was his mistake? Anyone? Anyone? HE SCREAMED AT HER. And also told her that her taste in music sucked. Not sexy, guy. Not even a little.) You’re welcome, Datey McGillicutty, good luck meeting the lady/fella of your dreams. Also, sometimes at happy hour they have delicious tacos. Make sure you have some of those delicious tacos.

is “i’ve got you covered” a euphemism Well, I’m going to let you in on a secret. ANYTHING can be a euphemism, if you want it to be. “I was petting my cat.” EUPHEMISM. “I like lollipops.” EUPHEMISM. “You got your chocolate in my peanut butter.” TOTAL EUPHEMISM. “We were having all the sex.” Not really a euphemism, just telling it like it is, really, and good for you, I guess my happy hour advice worked. So, is “I’ve got you covered” a euphemism? Could be. Depends on how you, or the person saying it, used it. Do you want it to be? Then it is. You’re welcome. Get your chocolate out of my peanut butter, I don’t know where that’s been.

is there any porn where the people don’t look slutty I’d assume so. I’m not a porn connoisseur. I have seen some terrible low-budget porn where it looked like the people didn’t realize they were in a porn and were wearing like sweats and no makeup? Does that fit your criteria? I can’t point you in the direction of those movies, though, because they were at the video store where I used to work that had a totally skeevy porn room with things like midget porn and pregnant-lady porn in it, too. And it’s since closed down. Where did all that porn go? I cannot tell you that because I do not know. You’re welcome. I applaud your need for realistic porn. As much as I can applaud anyone’s need for dirty movies.

what are opposites of im lover not fighter Opposites? Um…I’m a fighter, not a lover? You’re welcome? I think? That seemed too easy.

what do i do with lucys football Huh. What DO you do with me. Well, you could take me out for a nice dinner! You could take me to a play! You could take me mini-golfing! (Dude, I LOVE mini-golf, why haven’t I done that in ever?) You could hang out with me and Dumbcat and watch some bad television! You could buy me some canned olives because I forgot to buy them when I went grocery shopping this week! Wait, is this a naughty question? If this is naughty, you’re going to have to take me out for a very NICE dinner first. And also I’m going to have to be attracted to you, and that’s a hell of a lot more difficult. Because I have the weirdest criteria for attraction in the WHOLE WORLD. So probably just the mini-golf, then. You’re welcome. You’re paying for the mini-golf, right? Cool.

what does it mean when hot puffs of air are around you Well, it could be ghosts. Or your house could be on fire. Or you could be in a hot-air popcorn popper, I suppose. This is an odd question. You’re welcome. Maybe get an air conditioner.

is it okay to give dry noodles to wildlife?

PEANUTS NOT NOODLES!

PEANUTS NOT NOODLES!

Hee! No, probably not, but I have this mental image of you thowing dry Ramen and macaroni at squirrels and I kind of can’t stop giggling. UNGH! MACARONI AT THE SQUIRREL! Yeah, but no. Don’t do this. I don’t know why you would even want to. You’re welcome, feed them some seeds or something.

why shouldn’t you sit directly in front of an aircon

This dude's cool with it!

This dude’s cool with it!

Shit, I don’t know. I do it all the time when it’s hot. Who cares? Are you not supposed to do that? Will you catch Legionnaire’s Disease or something? Once I caught a terrible cold after staying in a hotel and told everyone I had Legionnaire’s Disease. Also, who calls the AC the “aircon?” This question does nothing more than raise more questions. You’re welcome. As far as I’m concerned, you hang out as much as you want in front of your aircon, you heatstroking weirdo.

There we go! Helping people! Answering questions! Being helpful! We are the best around these here parts!

Until next month – may all your questions be answered. And may you eat some delicious chocolate. And also giggle a lot. With your wonderful friends. All good things, jellybeans. All the best of good things. All for you.


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