Category Archives: mistake

A comedy of errors, Christmas-style

Busy weekend coming up, jellybeans! Listen, I so haven’t even decorated for Christmas yet. I got out the Christmas box o’ stuff. That’s a whole thing in itself, really. It’s this HUGE CRATE. Like, you could put a dead person in this thing. (Or a live person, I suppose, if you want to be less morbid and more Christmassy or whatever.) It’s GIGANTIC. I have a lot of Christmas stuff. The tree isn’t even in there, either. The tree is elsewhere. THERE IS NO ROOM IN THERE FOR THE TREE. That’s how much stuff I have.

It looks very much like this. Very festive, yes?

It looks very much like this. Very festive, yes?

But I have a very very small place. There’s really no room for a body-locker of Christmas-stuff in here. So I have to put it way behind the bed in the corner for most of the year because there’s nowhere else to put it. But then when December rolls around, I have to get it OUT from behind the bed. This takes the following steps, which if someone were to videotape them, I’m quite sure would make it onto YouTube and I would be a SENSATION, I tell you:

  • First, I have to take the crate off from the top of the Christmas crate. That’s another crate. With other things in it. That has to go on the bed; there’s nowhere else to put it.

    And this is the smaller one on TOP of the bigger one. It's like a wee bebeh crate. But full of stuff. So HEAVY.

    And this is the smaller one on TOP of the bigger one. It’s like a wee bebeh crate. But full of stuff. So HEAVY.

  • Then I have to jimmy out the Christmas crate which is jammed between the bed and the wall. There might well be some cussing when this happens. OK FINE. There’s some cussing. Some definite cussing.
  • Once I get the Christmas crate out, I have to make room for THAT on the bed. It’s not like I have a big bed, yo. Why would I have a big bed? Dumbcat and I only need so much room.

    I have no idea what size mattress I have. Twin? Full? Which according to this is double? Maybe? No idea. I need a new one, though. This one's getting all weird and old.

    I have no idea what size mattress I have. Twin? Full? Which according to this is double? Maybe? No idea. I need a new one, though. This one’s getting all weird and old.

  • Then I have to throw the other crate in the place the Christmas crate evacuated. I might throw it a little more vehemently than necessary. And say things like “every YEAR I hate this shit.”
  • Then comes the fun part. There’s a huge armoire and bookcase blocking my bedroom door. Why? Because there’s nowhere else in my insanely small bedroom to put that armoire and bookcase and they’re where I keep things like bedding and pajamas and books and all the perfumes. The armoire and bookcase stop me from just carrying out the crate and bringing it into the living room where it belongs.

    The armoire kind of looks like this, only less stable. It's kind of falling apart. It's a hand-me-down, give me a break.

    The armoire kind of looks like this, only less stable. It’s kind of falling apart. It’s a hand-me-down, give me a break.

  • SO, what I have to DO, is lift up the Christmas crate and put it on TOP of the armoire. The armoire is about 6 feet tall. The crate weighs a kajillion pounds. (FINE, it doesn’t weigh that much. I can lift it over my head. But not without making noises like one of those Russian weightlifters on the Olympics.) So I HOIST it up over my head and put it on top of the armoire. There is more cussing. Out-of-breath cussing.
  • Then I take a break and think about my life and how things have gotten to this point and why EVERY YEAR I put myself through this and do I need a tree? Do I really? Am I SURE? And I sigh DEEPLY.

    ZOMG WHY DON'T I HAVE THIS TREE!?!?!?! A purple tree??? Come on. How awesome is THIS?

    ZOMG WHY DON’T I HAVE THIS TREE!?!?!?! A purple tree??? Come on. How awesome is THIS?

  • Then I get into the hallway and lever down the Christmas crate so that it pins me to the wall like a butterfly in that horrifying yet beautifully-written book about the man who keeps the girl in his basement. Then I have to kind of throw it OFF myself and onto the hallway floor and then clamber over it into the bathroom and then shove it back so I can get around it. It’s about the same width as the hallway, you see.

    Just like this, only less basement-confinement. I don't even have a basement.

    Just like this, only less basement-confinement. I don’t even have a basement.

  • Then I drag it into the dining room. Sorry, “dining room.” I don’t have a formal dining room, what am I, the Queen of England? I have a part of the living room where the table is, is what I have.
  • Then, because there’s no room to get it around the couch (have I not TOLD you guys I live in a place as small as one of those storage areas off the highway where they keep freezers full of shady meat and creepy dolls and rusty farm equipment and such?) I have to lift it up AGAIN and hoist it over the back of the couch and flop it onto the couch cushions. This is where Dumbcat usually is; if I don’t see him or warn him soon enough, he makes a noise like “MEEPMRRR!” because he sees something INCOMING!
  • Then I have to take another breather. This is not for the faint-of-heart, you guys. If you aren’t up to it, maybe you need to move into a bigger apartment and/or make more money and/or not decorate for Christmas.
  • Then I have to come around the couch, move the crate onto the floor in front of couch where it will live for a month or so, and collapse on the couch in a puddle of exhaustion and Christmas-fatigue.

Usually after all this I start decorating, but I haven’t had time yet this year. So the crate has been mocking me. I did open it to get out some wrapping paper earlier in the week, but that’s about it. I HAVE GOT TO GET THIS PLACE DECORATED. There are less than two weeks until Christmas and I have nothing hanging up in here. It’s really shameful.

Then – THEN – once Christmas is over – guess what I get to do?

PUT THE CHRISTMAS CRATE BACK BEHIND THE BED.

I get to do all those steps up there? But in REVERSE. I know. I KNOW. Even THINKING about it is making me tired. And angry. And a little sweaty. Pre-sweaty. Sweaty in advance. SIGH SIGH.

Does anyone want to come over here and decorate for Christmas for me and then when I come home tomorrow it’ll be all done? I really like to have the house all decorated but have no time to do it this year. It’s really the worst.

Ok, off I go – it’s what, Friday? Friday. I got last-minute asked to review a show tonight, so I’m off to the thee-ay-tah. The FANCY theater! A FANCY production! I know. I am kind of amazed and confused as to whose life I might be leading at the moment. I’m fairly sure it’s not mine. It can’t be mine, right?

Happy weekend, everyone! Hope you have the best weekends. Full of all the best things. You deserve it. Promise.


Help save the youth of America; help save the youth of the world

Dear Youth of the World:

I just read a very disturbing article and I think we have to have a talk.

Now, before we start, I know. I am immediately to be distrusted. I am a grownup! Therefore, my heart must be dead, and I just don’t GET it, man! I don’t remember what it was like to be one of you, the disaffected youth, looking for that new cool thing, that next big rush, anything to kill the dead, dead places inside. I know. How could I possibly understand? Being an old, boring person and all?

Ugh, GROWNUPS.

Well, I might be old (ahem, I’m not THAT old) and I might be boring (debatable) but I remember being your age. I remember the teenage malaise and the depression and not knowing what to do next and being just SO DAMN ITCHY to do SOMETHING. My something, chickadees, was reading, though, so I guess that’s why this article I read was so distressing.

Apparently, you’ve all moved on from turning Robitussin into street drugs and morphing hand sanitizer into delicious cocktails and have all decided that you want to be movie stars, so you’ve decided to live the life of Jason Bourne or Tom Cruise in those terrible Mission Impossible movies. SO MANY TEETH UGH.

Dun, dun, dun-dun…TEETH!

Listen, I like movies as much as the next person, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think I can DO the things that happen in movies. I don’t think my Harry is going to come find me on New Year’s Eve and tell me he wants the rest of his life with me to start RIGHT NOW and I don’t think I can drive while having a conversation and never look at the road and I don’t think I can go to bed with a whole face full of makeup and wake up looking as fresh as a daisy and I don’t think I can get six days of work done in the span of one kickass music montage. BECAUSE I AM RATIONAL.

Yes, wouldn’t this be nice? So would trees that grow money and pulling carrots out of the ground and finding they were really cookies. IT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN.

But you! Youth of the world! You seem to think that the people in movies are doing their own stunts. And that they aren’t really stunts! That they are REAL THINGS THAT PEOPLE DO!

Things that, according to this article, you kids are doing nowadays because they are BORED and they think they are INVINCIBLE:

  • “the choking game”
  • jumping off a moving vehicle
  • “salt and ice”
  • extreme fighting
  • “the cinnamon challenge”
  • hitting someone over the head with a folding chair
  • “train/car surfing”
  • huffing
  • “mumblety peg”
  • “Chubby Bunny”

Now, you, youth of America, I know you probably are WELL-AWARE of what all of these things are, but we, the fusty old-people of the world, are scratching our heads in puzzlement. So! In order to make us all better educated about what’s going on with the kiddos, please pardon me while I fill in the old people among us about these things you’re all doing.

The choking game: apparently this is just auto-erotic asphyxiation. Do you kids think you created this? Nah. We old people have known about this for years. We (well, most of us) are just too smart to do it. (And apparently, kids are doing this but WITHOUT THE SEX. They’re just doing it because it makes their heads swimmy. There have GOT to be better ways to make their heads swimmy.)

Kittens also disapprove of the choking game. DO NOT CHOKE YOUR KITTENS. (Not a euphemism.)

Jumping off a moving vehicle: Well, this is pretty self-explanatory. Except for…um…why? Why would you do this? Because people do it in movies or on television? You’ll get road-rash, kids. That is, if you’re not dead. Who thinks jumping off a moving vehicle is a good idea? Put your hands down. PUT THEM DOWN, I SAID.

I have no idea what’s happening here but I like the inclusion of a coffin because that’s what happens when you JUMP FROM A MOVING VEHICLE.

“Salt and ice”: ZOMG WTF. Apparently, this is a game. You put salt on a body part. Then you put ice over that salt. It starts to burn. Whoever can leave it on the longest is the “winner.” But guess what’s happening to your skin? YOU ARE GETTING CHILBLAINS. Chilblains! Like an arctic explorer! And if you leave it on long enough? FROSTBITE. According to this totally funny Wiki answers page: “According to the game, the winner is whoever can hold the ice long enough. However in reality, the person who opts to not attempt this challenge is the true winner and the one without a possible hospital bill and missing limbs.” Hee! Whoever wrote this is SCOLDY.

WHOA. Everyone’s totally scoldy about this, right? I’m not going to scold you. I’m just going to tell you, THIS IS STUPID STOP IT.

Extreme fighting/hitting someone over the head with a chair: THIS IS NOT WRESTLING. This is REAL LIFE. Those things are all STAGED. There are blood packets and they work that shit out beforehand and they REHEARSE. It is THEATER. You don’t HIT SOMEONE OVER THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR. That’s ASSAULT, brother. Who’s volunteering to get hit with a chair? I guess I can see the appeal of extreme fighting – boys are super-fighty, from what I remember of them, even The Nephew likes to head-butt people, including his beloved aunt Amy – but chair-hitting? Really? That seems super-ragey. I’m adding “because they might hit each other over the head with chairs” to my list of “reasons I am pleased I decided not to have children after all.”

Hee! Look at the woman’s shock-face back there. SHOCKED BY THIS CHAIR!

“The cinnamon challenge” – This is apparently swallowing a huge spoonful of cinnamon without taking a drink of water in 60 seconds. The cinnamon clumps up and gags you and then sometimes you inhale it and it gets in your lungs and nose and makes you throw up and sneeze. Fun, right? Listen, you’re all a bunch of pussies. Why don’t you go try the wasabi challenge or the black pepper challenge or the habanero challenge and get back to me?* (*Don’t do this.)

Thank you for this infographic. Very helpful, intertubes.

“Train/car surfing” – again, pretty self-explanatory. You’re not Michael J. Fox as Teen Wolf. Don’t do this. You will fall off and you will die. Moving vehicles are a recipe for death. Stop it stop it STOP IT. This isn’t cool or fun or a rush. This is a recipe for death and destruction and limb-missing-ness. Listen! Some kids were driving 110 miles per hour at 5pm (that’s rush hour, for those of us unemployed) down one of our local roads here recently because they thought it would be good-times, Charlie and a minivan pulled out and they hit him and they both died and he’s struggling for his life so wasn’t THAT funny? HA HA HA! No. Because I talked to his wife at work the other night and I can assure you, she wasn’t laughing. I was almost in tears when I got off the phone with her. You little jackasses. Stop risking others’ lives. If you kill someone I love, I’m coming for you. WITH KNIVES.

Only Michael J. Fox can do this. YOU CANNOT DO THIS.

“Huffing” – oh, for the love of…you dorks, we’ve been doing this longer than you’ve been BREATHING. No pun intended. I don’t even think I have to describe what huffing is, do I? It’s inhalants. It’s sucking down inhalants to get high. It’s the high-stakes version of Whipits. You can do it with spray paint like Ruth in Citizen Ruth (what? you haven’t seen Citizen Ruth? Watch that and see if you want to huff again) or with things like canned air. And it murders braincells like the Biblical Slaughter of the Innocents, babydolls. You’re gonna need those braincells. Well, someday you will. Promise.

Pretty, right? TOTALLY pretty.

“Mumblety peg” – really? You think stabbing at your fingers with a knife super super fast is funtimes? OK. I can’t see that going wrong at all AAAHHH YOU CUT OFF YOUR FINGER! Seriously, this only works in mobster movies. Don’t do this.

Good idea! Oh, wait, no, BAD idea, I meant to say BAD idea. Silly ol’ me.

“Chubby Bunny” – this is when you fill your mouth with marshmallows and say “chubby bunny!” until you can’t anymore and whoever can put the most marshmallows in their mouth and still be heard saying “chubby bunny” wins and whoever chokes to death on the marshmallows loses. You think I’m being facetious but people have DIED playing this game. Dead dead dead. Chubby bunny’s not for the faint-of-heart. Or people with brains. Also, marshmallows are DELICIOUS. Why are you wasting marshmallows, stupid? And didn’t your mom teach you not to speak with your mouth full? SIGH SIGH SIGH.

HA HA HA FUN! Choking to death on gooey dessert items is on my BUCKET LIST!

OK. So now that we’re all up to speed on your shenanigans, let’s discuss.

People are dying doing these things. I think you can see why. There are various ways that these things are leading to death:

Gross bodily injury, due to things like chair-beatery and car-jumpery and train-surfery and finger-cuttery and ice/salt-freezery

Choking to death, due to inhaling marshmallows, cinnamon, or choking yourself with a belt

Drug overdose, from huffing

I can’t imagine the “high” you get from any of these things being worth being DEAD from INHALING MARSHMALLOWS. Do you really want to be that girl? Do you want to be the girl who died inhaling marshmallows? You’re not going to get a page in the yearbook commemorating you, darlin’. You’re going to be a PUNCHLINE. People are going to be all “Chubby bunny GAHHHHH” and pretend to choke and gag and die and then they’re going to LAUGH AND LAUGH. Or do you want to walk around with nine fingers because you cut one off stabbing at your fingers with knives like you’re a street performer in Thailand? Good luck counting to ten at your future job at the counter at McDonald’s, Sonny Jim. And yes, I get that you want to be cool like Fox Mulder and die of autoerotic asphyxiation, but…wait, you don’t know who Fox Mulder is? Because you are FOURTEEN? Then why would you want to do that?

If you don’t get the reference, I’ll feed it to you with a spoon. Psychic Clyde Bruckman predicted Mulder’s death by autoerotic asphyxiation, and he was never wrong.

Kids, I get it. I do. I made some SPECTACULARLY stupid decisions when I was younger. Maybe not 14-young, but when I was a little older, I did not let my brain do the thinking. I cannot confirm or deny that I might have done some binge-drinking and made some terrible sexual decisions and got kicked out of a hotel and (look away, cops!) dabbled in substances that weren’t technically “legal.” I understand, kids. I do. Bad decisions and I have been bedfellows in the past. And I’m sure, somewhere down the line, we will crawl shamefully back into bed together again, because once you bed down with Bad Decision McGee, he comes back all, “Come on, baby, you know we had a good time before, I MISSED YOU” and if he shows up at just the right time you’re all “SIGH OK.” I get it.

But here’s the thing. You’re going to want to live to see your twenties. You really are. Your twenties are pretty awesome. And – top secret news no one tells you? – your thirties are EVEN BETTER. If things keep up at this pace, my forties are going to be AMAZING. And if I’d been car-surfing or whatever the hell, I wouldn’t have SEEN these years.

I know you’re bored. I know you’re looking for the next cool thing and whatever. I get it. But please don’t do things that will kill you. If you have to do dangerous things…how about you TAKE SOME CLASSES FOR COLLEGE CREDIT OOH? Or READ A BANNED BOOK AAH? Or WORK ON YOUR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS EEEE? No? Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Just don’t do the things I listed above. Or have inappropriate sex because you’ll get the herpes. I’m serious, you’re going to regret these bad decisions someday and *I* won’t be all “I told you so” because I don’t do that, but SOMEONE will, and I’ll be thinking it. I totally will.

BAD BAD DECISIONS.

Thanks for reading, kiddos. If you need further advice, I’ll be RIGHT HERE. Come talk to me. I promise. I’ll be kind and won’t even talk down to you and I’ll teach you new words like “douchecanoe” and I’ll tell you your skinny jeans look ridiculous but I will be SO SUPPORTIVE. I’m like the kickass aunt you always wanted, promise.

Be careful out there, kids. I’d like you to be around in your twenties and thirties, ok? They’re worth it. No, seriously. They so are.

Yours, with love, and also some serious concerns,

Amy.

(Here is a song to make you happy. This is for the GROWNUPS among us. I love you, too.)


Mistakes were made. MISTAKES WERE MADE I SAID.

I’m a little out of the loop, so wasn’t aware it was Emmy Nominations day on Thursday. Luckily, I have my musical muse and all-around amazing friend sj to inform me of such things. 

So I scuttled my butt-le over to the Emmy website to check out the damage. Now, everything I do, as mentioned yesterday, is most likely being observed by our office Big Brother now. I like to imagine our IT department as the banker in that Deal or No Deal show, all hanging out in a glass room overlooking the office, watching us and being disgusted.

I’m watching you, Amy.

In actuality they’re just a couple of guys, one in a cubicle around the corner from me, one in an office. The disgust is real, though. I didn’t make that shit up. So, anyway, IT knows that I spent a majority of today dissecting the Emmy nominations. Maybe I can tell them it’s work-related. I needed to know it…for…tax-purposes. One of our clients…is…um…an Emmy bookie? YES YES THAT’S IT. 

Also, my office just blocked Twitter. Took ‘em less than 24 hours. Saw that one coming a mile off. Haven’t blocked Hootsuite yet, but I’m sure it’ll just be a matter of days before they figure that shit out. In case you’re wondering why I’m not responding your tweets in a timely fashion? That’s be the reason. Because of spying fascists.

I’m pretty out of the loop of awards shows lately. I didn’t even watch the Oscars this year. I didn’t care. I had them on in the background, if I remember correctly, while I did other shit. I didn’t even pay attention. I hadn’t seen any of the movies so it didn’t matter to me. I have the Tonys recorded, but haven’t seen them yet. The Emmys, though. I like to watch them, because I WATCH television, you know? I feel like I have a stake in what’s going on. (Same thing with the Golden Globes, only with additional fun in that there’s an open bar at the Golden Globes. Those people are usually TOASTED.) 

Even the host drinks at the Golden Globes! Huzzah!

So, let’s talk about the Emmys! One of the only two awards shows in which I kind of sort of know what’s going on, because at least half of the shows nominated (or which failed to be nominated) I watch. Or at least have recorded and plan to watch, sometime in the near future. 

I had no idea that there were so MANY awards. The PDF of awards is like eleventy-billion pages long. We’re not going to go into the little detailed awards way down the page. We’re going to stick with the main awards. Otherwise this would be longer than normal, and also I have the attention span of a crack-addicted titmouse. 

Gimme ma crack, yo!

Outstanding Comedy Series. Big Bang Theory, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Girls, Modern Family, 30 Rock, Veep. OK, well, to be honest, I only watch two of these, and only one regularly (30 Rock regularly – it’s not that funny anymore – and Modern Family when I can catch it, again, not as funny as it used to be) so I’m not the MOST educated about this. Smart people I know love Girls, so I’ll take their word for that. Here’s the thing. There are shows missing from this list. There are two shows on television that make me laugh until I snort on a weekly basis. Parks and Recreation and Community. Granted, Community wasn’t as good this season, but it’s still far better than most things on television. And Parks and Recreation – are maybe the Emmy voters not WATCHING the show? It’s the only thing I can fathom. I know. I laugh a lot. I love to laugh! I laugh at things that AREN’T funny, just to get some laughs in every day. It’s something I do. But if a show can make me laugh, can make me honestly laugh, to the point of tears – that’s outstanding, isn’t it? (Also, Cougar Town is really funny. The writing is wonderful on that show. Why do the shows I love get ignored?) Also, in news of the whaaa, I didn’t know Curb Your Enthusiasm was still on television at all. 

Come on, just for the 8-bit video game episode alone? This is embarrassing, Emmy voters. EMBARRASSING.

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. A million people were nominated here. OK, fine, seven. Seven women. Lena Dunham for Girls; Melissa McCarthy for Mike & Molly; Zooey Deschanel for New Girl; Edie Falco for Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler for Parks and Recreation; Tina Fey for 30 Rock and Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Veep. I feel like Melissa McCarthy keeps getting nominated for Bridesmaids because Mike & Molly isn’t all that funny. Melissa McCarthy is awesome; that show is ok, but she deserves better. I don’t hate New Girl as much as most people do, but it’s not Emmy-nomination-worthy. Effing Zooey Deschanel and her schtick make me want to punch someone/something. Tina Fey is my girl, and I love her, but this season of 30 Rock was really not nomination-worthy. Amy Poehler – yes yes yes. I don’t know that I have anyone else I’d put in here, because lead actress in a comedy is a tough category. Most comedy I enjoy is ensemble-based. (And I’m not sure how this is set up. Do the shows decide if a person is a lead or a supporting? Based on something weird that happens later on down the road, I’m guessing yes.) Oh, also, this category proves that Emmy voters ARE watching Parks and Recreation; they’re just humorless automatons who don’t know what’s awesome in the world. Shit. I think they must work here. DO YOU WORK HERE, EMMY VOTERS? (Also, I’m choosing to ignore you, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. My hate for the Seinfeld people goes super, super deep. Even when one of them used to be a Saturday Night Live cast member. I know. Hate me if you must.) 

Look at this awesome faaaace! Also, best first name ever.

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory; Larry David for Curb Your Enthusiasm; Don Cheadle for House of Lies; Louis C.K. for Louie; Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock and Jon Cryer for Two and a Half Men. OK, I’m saving my complaining until the supporting categories, because, like I said, I’m not sure if the people I love were snubbed here, or in the supporting categories. I don’t watch Big Bang so I can’t say a word. Smart people love it. It’s laugh-tracky, so I can’t watch that. I’ve never heard of House of Lies. I don’t approve of Larry David. I like Louis C.K. and smart people like that show a lot. I love Alec Baldwin, but this season of 30 Rock’s been really flat. Jon Cryer should not be nominated for this shitshow of a program because listen, Emmy voters, I know we all love Duckie, and you’re all obviously voting for him out of nostalgia or something, but stop it. He’s not playing Duckie in this show. Stop encouraging this nonsense, maybe it’ll get off the air. Again, I’m not sure who I would have nominated here, as I’m not sure how the nominations line up with this category or supporting. I guess I’m rooting for Louis C.K, even though I don’t watch the show. Parsons and Baldwin have already won, and Louis C.K. was funny on Parks and Recreation so I can pretend he’s winning for that. (Also, shouldn’t my Neil Patrick Harris be here? WHERE IS MY NPH. I don’t watch his show, but he should be nominated for, and win, every category. Just for being alive. I love him just that much.) 

NPH wants to know where his nomination is. He wants you to remember that “Pretty in Pink” was a loooong time ago. This has been a public service announcement from NPH.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. Blossom for The Big Bang Theory (shut up, she’s always going to be Blossom to me); Kathryn Joosten for Desperate Housewives; Julie Bowen for Modern Family; Sofia Vergara for Modern Family; Merritt Wever for Nurse Jackie; and Kristen Wiig for Saturday Night Live. Now, this one kind of bugs me, because both of the Modern Family ladies, while fine, aren’t as good as Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, or Busy Phillips from Parks and Recreation, Community, and Cougar Town, respectively. I know nothing about Blossom but hear good things, and dammit, she’s Blossom! With the hats and the adorable capers and the very special episodes! Kathryn Joosten died so sometimes they like to give people awards for dying (also, Desperate Housewives, STOP SAYING YOU’RE A COMEDY! You’re NOT! ARGH! Well, I guess this is the last year you’ll be saying you’re a comedy, since you’re off the air, ha ha.) I don’t care about Nurse Jackie and also I hear it’s not much of a comedy. And I love love love love LOVE my Kristen Wiig, and would like to see her win, because it was her last season of SNL this year. But Aubrey Plaza and Alison Brie and Busy Phillips should be in this category, dammit. They rock. 

LOVE LOVE LOVE. Remember when April and Andy adopted a billion dogs? NOMINATE HER DAMMIT!

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. Ed O’Neill for Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson for Modern Family; Ty Burrell for Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet for Modern Family; Max Greenfield for New Girl; and Bill Hader for Saturday Night Live. WHO THE HELL ON THE MODERN FAMILY STAFF IS BLOWING THE EMMY VOTERS. Listen, I love Stonestreet (his acceptance speech a couple years ago made me weep – was that at the Emmys? The Golden Globes? He’s awesome) and the show, as I mentioned, is pretty funny. And even though New Girl’s kind of lame, I like Greenfield (mostly because I loved him on Veronica Mars STOP JUDGING ME.) But there are people missing here. HYSTERICAL people. Let’s list a few, shall we? Community: Danny Pudi and Donald Glover (but Chevy Chase and Joel McHale aren’t too shabby, either.) 30 Rock: Jack McBrayer and Tracey Morgan. And, and and AND, it’s like Parks and Recreation didn’t EXIST! You didn’t see Chris Pratt this season? You didn’t see Aziz Ansari? You didn’t see (sigh, MY BOYFRIEND!) Adam Scott? And – listen, do you not HAVE a funny bone? Do you really not have one? Were you born without it? Because if you watched Parks and Recreation and didn’t laugh hysterically at every single thing that came out of Nick Offerman’s mouth – not ONLY what he said, just his FACIAL EXPRESSIONS – you are a soulless waste of breath. OK, I might be exaggerating, I get it, maybe it’s not your style of comedy, I’m not judging. But are you telling me, are you really telling me, that effing ED O’NEILL is funnier than NICK OFFERMAN? No. You must be staging an elaborate prank, wherein the nominees will all get on stage and then all shout, in unison, “You been PUNK’D, Nick Offerman!” and then they will all carry him onstage, bodily, and give him the award. Also many breakfast meats. Because seriously, it’s like this can’t even be happening right now. 

This is Ron Swanson dancing, wearing a very small hat. When this aired, it made my entire YEAR. Emmy voters, I hate you a little bit right now.

Guest Actress in a Comedy Series. Dot-Marie Jones for Glee; Maya Rudolph for Saturday Night Live; Melissa McCarthy for Saturday Night Live; Elizabeth Banks for 30 Rock; Margaret Cho for 30 Rock; and Kathy Bates for Two and a Half Men. OK, first, Glee? YOU ARE NOT A COMEDY. Stop the lies. I don’t laugh at ANYTHING on Glee. I groan a lot, lately, honestly, but that’s a whole other issue. Anyway, Dot-Marie Jones rocks the character of Coach Bieste, but she’s not a guest actress. She’s a supporting actress. She doesn’t belong here. This whole system is fucked, pardon my fran-cayze. Maya Rudolph was fine on SNL, but Melissa McCarthy’s hosting stint was STELLAR. This is a well-deserved nomination. She’s made for sketch comedy, this woman. She rocks everything she does. Elizabeth Banks is ok on 30 Rock. And, hee! I had NO IDEA that was Margaret Cho playing Kim Jong-Il on 30 Rock, that’s so funny! I kind of just want her to win because she fooled me! 

Hidden Valley RANCH party, yo!

Guest Actor in a Comedy Series. Michael J. Fox for Curb Your Enthusiasm; Greg Kinnear for Modern Family; Bobby Cannavale for Nurse Jackie; Jimmy Fallon for Saturday Night Live; Will Arnett for 30 Rock; and Jon Hamm for 30 Rock. Ooh, this one’s going to be tough. There’s a lot of Fox love, but he’s also nominated for The Good Wife (and he is AMAZING on that show.) Didn’t see Kinnear on Modern Family (and, ENOUGH with the Modern Family circle-jerk, this is getting obscene!) Don’t care about Nurse Jackie, but do like Cannavale. Loved Fallon on SNL, it was a great episode. Love both Arnett and Hamm on 30 Rock. I’m glad I don’t have to vote for this one. I think I’d give it to Arnett for 30 Rock, if I had to choose. His character doesn’t show up much anymore, and he never got the accolades for it he deserved. Also, he’s Gob, you know? Gob should get ALL the awards. 

Come ON.

I’m now going to skip some, otherwise we’re going to be here all YEAR. Gah. 

Outstanding Drama Series. Boardwalk Empire; Breaking Bad; Downton Abbey; Game of Thrones; Homeland; Mad Men. Um. An embarrassing fact about me is that I’ve only seen one of these, and Season Two of it wasn’t as good as Season One so I don’t think it should win here. I have no opinion on this. (Oh, you are aware the only thing I’ve seen here is Game of Thrones, right? OK, good. In my defense, I plan on watching all of these eventually except Homeland. I don’t like Claire Danes.) 

Actress in a Drama. Glenn Close for Damages; Michelle Dockery for Downton Abbey; Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife; Kathy Bates for Harry’s Law; Claire Danes for Homeland; Elizabeth Moss for Mad Men. Margulies for the win, please. I’ve only seen The Good Wife and Harry’s Law, and the season of Harry’s Law this is based on is TERRIBLE. I mean, I like Bates, but no no no, and also, it wasn’t even a very good show BEFORE this most recent season. This is another “giving the actress, not the role, a nomination” nomination. I haven’t seen the rest, but I have a hard time believing anyone’s better than my Alicia Florrick.

I love her. LOOOOVE her. Give her all the awards, ok? Thanks.

Actor in a Drama. Steve Buscemi for Boardwalk Empire; Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad; Michael C. Hall for Dexter; Hugh Bonneville for Downton Abbey; Damian Lewis for Homeland and Jon Hamm for Mad Men. Um. I’ve seen none of these. You guys choose, I’m out. (For the record, I’d just pick Buscemi because of Ghost World and Reservoir Dogs, and that’s not how you’re supposed to do this at all.) Also, where is Walt Goggins from Justified, I ask you? He kills in that role, absolutely kills. I mean, he didn’t get as much to play with this season, but he still knocked what he was given out of the park, and I love him. Or would he be a supporting actor? I guess a case could be made for either.

Look, he’s even a little confused where his nomination is.

Supporting Actress in a Drama. Anna Gunn for Breaking Bad; Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey; Joanne Froggatt for Downton Abbey; Archie Panjabi for The Good Wife; Christine Baranski for The Good Wife and Christina Hendricks for Mad Men. KALINDA WINS THIS ONE OR SHE WILL SMASH YOUR SKULL WITH A BASEBALL BAT END OF STORY. (Fine, she won last year, it’ll probably be one of the Downton Abbey ladies, whatever. Kalinda could take ‘em.) 

Don’t eff with my Kalinda. She’s got a gun. Which she knows how to use.

Supporting Actor in a Drama. Aaron Paul for Breaking Bad; Giancarlo Esposito for Breaking Bad; Brendan Coyle for Downton Abbey; Jim Carter for Downton Abbey; Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones; and Jared Harris for Mad Men. Well, like NPH, Dinklage deserves all awards forever and for always, but like I said, this season of Game of Thrones was kind of weak. Haven’t seen any of the others. But I will always be happy to see Dinklage receive an award, because then I yell “DINKLAGE!” out loud and scare the cat. 

DINKLAGE! (And Dumbcat hides under the couch.)

Guest Actress in a Drama. Martha Plimpton for The Good Wife; Loretta Devine for Grey’s Anatomy; Jean Smart for Harry’s Law; Julia Ormond for Mad Men; Joan Cusack for Shameless; and Uma Thurman for Smash. Conversation held by Emmy voters: “Shit, we really need to get more viewers, and also throw a kick-ass party. How can we do that?” “Invite the BEST PEOPLE!” “How can we do that?” “Well, some really kick-ass people guest-starred on some shows this season…they might not have had the best PERFORMANCES, but if we NOMINATE them, they’ll come to the SHOW, and the party will rock, plus we’ll get more media coverage and more people will watch.” “BRILLIANT! DO IT, BABY!” (I have no idea if most of these women were any good at all, but don’t you find it a little suspicious that they’re all name-recognition mega-stars? I do. I’m rooting for Martha, BTW. She rocks in that role and in LIFE.)

Look, it’s a twofer! BOTH of the people I want to win!

Guest Actor in a Drama. Mark Margolis for Breaking Bad; Dylan Baker for The Good Wife; Michael J. Fox for The Good Wife; Jeremy Davies for Justified; Ben Feldman for Mad Men; and Jason Ritter for Parenthood. Aw, little Jason Ritter! He’s cute on Parenthood, but Emmy-worthy? I don’t know. I think he got nominated in memory of his dad, to be honest. I’m going for Fox. His guest role on The Good Wife is amazing. Plus, to be honest, he’s going to get the pity vote. What? I know it’s shitty but he is. Just telling it like it is.

Random other things that bear mention: 

Stupid American Horror Story (because I guess you can choose?) put itself up as a miniseries so it would have less competition than it would in the drama category. Just for that tomfoolery, it deserves no awards. NO AWARDS, American Horror Story, do you hear me? (Let it be clear that I love American Horror Story; I just don’t like that it tried trickery to get awards. That’s not fairplay at all.) 

Oh, Tate. So awesome. THIS IS NOT A MINISERIES, THOUGH.

MY BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH is up for best actor in a miniseries or movie. You give that to him. You give that to him RIGHT EFFING NOW. I want to see him get an award, dammit. 

Martin Freeman is also up for best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie for his role as Watson, which I like very much. Snubbed in this category (since they shoved themselves into it all rudely): Evan Peters from American Horror Story. His Tate just floored me this season. He may not deserve the award (Freeman does; there’s nothing on television that equals Sherlock) but he deserved the nomination. 

Oh, sigh. When is Season 3 again?

Why is the only episode nominated for Sherlock “A Scandal in Belgravia?” It was excellent, but “The Reichenbach Fall” was better, in my opinion. What, you don’t want my opinion? Well, you waited a long damn time to tell me that, now didn’t you?

If he doesn’t deserve to win for this alone, I don’t know what criteria you people are using.

So, now, the question is, will I WATCH the Emmys? Yeah, probably. Because, CUMBERBATCH. That seals the deal, right there. I’m pretty easy. Especially when my Cumberbatch is involved. Sigh.


My friend the dictionary is a very reliable friend.

Here we are, Tuesday! Lots going on this week. We have a show opening next week, so I have lots of rehearsal this week and next week in preparation for that (it’s a quick show, so rehearsals aren’t too long or painful – we’re actually having a lot of fun, no worries) and I’m doing this and that and the other and reading a lot of books and hanging out with Dumbcat and I have some shopping to do for GIFT PRIZE MAILING and whoo! I’m like a busy bee. Bzz, bzz, bzz.

Summer seems to be here, too. It’s all hot and sticky and humid-y and my hair’s all sticking up like a looney already. I know summer supposedly doesn’t happen until late June but that’s lies. In my world it starts at the beginning of June, when things start to get icky. I’d take two springs instead of a summer any day.

So today, let’s talk about one of my favorite things in the world: typos.

Well, no. They’re not my FAVORITE things in the world. But when they’re egregiously awful, I get a total and complete kick out of them. So today, so you can have some enjoyment out of other people’s misfortune, let’s look at some of the worst typos I found on the world wide interwebs today. PLEASE TO USE A DICTIONARY. Thanks.

Huh. Quite a legacy, Mr. Johnson. QUITE a legacy.

It’s graduation time! Hey, students of the University of Texas, Austin, CONGRATULATIONS!

Oh, wait, here, did you get a program?

Oh, ok, good, glad you…wait…um…WHERE did I graduate from? WOW. If I’d have known, I would have probably taken a different route to getting my diploma.

(Seriously, this made me giggle, because, as mentioned, sense of humor of a 5-year-old-boy. PUBIC! When I was a kid we used to erase the “L” in “public” on the Public Library flyers and then laugh and laugh. If this was my graduation flyer odds are good I’d have laughed like a moron all through the ceremony.)

Well! So I’ve been spelling it wrong all these years? I feel idiotic.

So for some reason I’m not quite sure of, Mitt Romney put out an iPhone app? I don’t know, either. Apparently you can photograph yourself with Mitt in a variety of Mitt-related situations. Well, if I wanted to photograph myself being BORING, I’d just take a picture of myself blogging on my couch right now OH BURN. Wait, who got burned, me or Mitt? Both. I think both.

So anyway, in his iPhone app, there was a typo. I mean, these things happen. But this is…well, kind of egregious:

Oh. OH. Amercia! Amercia! God shed his grace on THEEEEEEEE!

I know, I know, THESE THINGS HAPPEN. Dude’s people spelled the name of the country he wants to run wrong. I don’t think that bodes well.

Also, since the app was that you could take your photo with any of the templates, people started doing things like this:

and…

and…

GO GO MERKA!!!

There’s better timing than when you’re running against a very intelligent incumbent for president to do something idiotic like this.

I wasn’t aware that the Romney camp was having such major spelling issues, but then yesterday I read this article over on Sprocket Ink and apparently, someone over in Romneyville really doesn’t understand how spell check works. This is a total worry. I don’t want to be living in Amercia come November, you guys. I like MERKA just the way it is. Well, mostly. MOSTLY I do.

It’s ok. Sh’cool.

So a few months ago in New York City, they painted a school crossing. So that kids wouldn’t get hit by cars. That’s good. We like not-dead kiddos. Also, New York City schoolchildren make me smile. Always. They always seem to have it all together, always.

So once the workmen were done and doing…well…whatever it is workmen do when they’re done, some loudmouth complainer was all, “Um, guys? Maybe…we might want to…repaint this?”

Heh. Shcool. It sounds like a slurry version of school. Or slang for “it’s cool.” “No, no, Bobby, no worries. Sh’cool. I can ditch math class to smoke weed behind the bleachers today. Bring your hackeysack, yo.”

Well, JFK had ‘em, I guess there’s precedent

Apparently this happened on MSNBC lately. Aw. Poor Norah O’Donnell. I’m sure she was trying to keep her side-job on the downlow.

I guess she should just be grateful they got her skin color correct.

(Also, this chick totally stole my mom’s hairstyle.)

My dad SAYS weird shit goes down in California. Apparently so.

Listen, we would NEVER put up with stuff like this in New York. We have more DECORUM here. More CLASS.

Probably it was the fire that did it. Some people get SO EXCITED about fire. No joke. I see that on Law & Order and those types of shows ALL THE TIME. People who get all excited about fire. Apparently they all live in California. Who knew?

Aw, NO toad is a through toad, that would just leave you with a damaged toad.

Hee! Love. No, I would imagine it’s not a through toad. You should probably go around the toad.

And…because there’s nothing better than getting something PERMANENTLY WRITTEN ON YOUR BODY SPELLED WRONG

And also anyone who sees this tattoo. They will also juge you.

This made me laugh so hard I snorted. I feel like this person lost a bet. What’s worse, the awesome typo (say the word “poporn” fast, it sounds great in your mouth) or the fact that he has this thing tattooed on him? I mean, I assume it’s a him. I can’t imagine a female did this to herself.

ZOMG this is the PERFECT tattoo for me! Perfect perfect. I LOVE THEATER. Oh, wait, it’s heinously ugly bordering on frightening and also TRADGEY.

Hee! “tradgey.” What a tradgey.

Yes! DOWN WITH THE MAN! SUBVERT THE SYSTSEM! Wait, what? How many “s”s are in that, anyway? Like, 47,000? 

Also, REALLY? You thought this was a good thing to get tattooed on yourself somewhere? Oh, that’s just embarrassing. I can’t imagine that you’re going to want this in like three weeks, let alone ten years. “systsem.” Heh.

Oh, no. Oh, no no no. Also, this is her TRAMP STAMP. Like, this is going to be there FOREVER now. Wait, what if this is really her nickname? Not sweet pea but sweet pee? I don’t want to know. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW I SAID.

I’m SO jalous. I can’t even contain my jalousy. I think I might fly into a jalous rage, actually.

The tattoo artist signed this. Like he or she was PROUD OF THEIR WORK. Heh.

I have a typo story. Once, when I was young, my dad and I were coming back from a trip. And we drove past a person’s house. And they had one of those cutesy-cute “I named my HOUSE!” signs outside. It said the person’s name (which I won’t say – let’s call her Martha) and then Place. Martha’s Place. And like, butterflies or whatever.

My dad was all, “Huh. Martha’s Palace. That’s stuck-up of her, that place is like a trailer or something.” 

I said, “What? No, place, not palace.”

HE TURNED THE CAR AROUND TO PROVE IT SAID PALACE.

Then when it didn’t, he was all, “She came out and CHANGED HER SIGN while we were driving back here” and still says “This is like Martha’s Palace” to describe things that he’s misunderstood or gotten wrong.

There, there’s a story from my CHILDHOOD. Nice, right?

Happy Tuesday! Use your spellcheck!


Listen, if the children are our future, we really need to live for today, because the future is BLEAK.

Today, let’s talk about bad decisions. Heh. That always always makes me think of that Bad Idea Jeans Saturday Night Live commercial. I bet I can’t find it on You Tube. Stupid fascist Saturday Night Live. Yep, I’m right. It’s only on Hulu. Anyway, here, watch, it’ll make you laugh. Unless you’re a soulless waste. Then it probably won’t. Also, check out all of that acid wash. Remember acid wash? Talk about bad decisions. We sure thought that was pretty, didn’t we? If you’re too young to remember acid wash, consider yourself lucky.

So I’ve come across some things online lately, and also in life, and I think we need to discuss them. And how bad decisions should be not made. How about not made? Great, good, stop that, thanks.

I don’t have kids. So, listen. I know. I’m not overly qualified to be giving them advice. HOWEVER! I was ONCE a kid. Who made SPECTACULARLY bad decisions. No, no. Not all bad decisions. But some? Yes. Yes, most definitely.

Today, we’re going to discuss five important things you need to stop doing, please. Things that might SEEM like really fun, cool ideas, but I assure you, you’re going to regret them. I am HAPPY to share my experience with you! Well, where I have experience. There are some of these I have no experience in but I KNOW THEY ARE BAD NEWS YO. So! Kiddos! And people that love kiddos! And people who read my blog no matter what I write about! Here, for you! A list of FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG AND THINK YOU ARE INVINCIBLE. (Or even when you are old. Or, ever.)

Sexting/Posting Porn Online

This is SRS BSNS, you guys. There is a NATIONAL CAMPAIGN. (Which cracked me up a little.)

Let’s make up a little scenario, shall we? OK. You’re sixteen. You’re in a relationship with another sixteen year old. You’re all smushy-smushy in love. Aw, you guys. With the PDA and the smooching and the putting your hands in each other’s back pockets when you walk down the hall. (Wait, does that still happen? If that doesn’t happen, replace it with what you kiddos do nowadays, I don’t know.) You’re most likely having sex. That’s what the kids today seem to do. I’d like to tell you to wait to do that, too, but listen, that’s a losing battle. Kids in my day were having all the sex in high school, kids in my PARENTS’ day were doing it, and from what my totally scandalous-tale-telling grandmother tells me, when SHE was in school kids were doing it (and she calls them “SHAMELESS HUSSIES!” and their children “BASTARD CHILDREN!”) so there’s no way I’m going to stop the children from having sex in high school. Your hormones are running high, you’re surrounded by pretty people whose hormones are ALSO running high, and although I don’t think it’s a good IDEA, I can’t STOP you. (Use protection, tater tots. USE PROTECTION. You really don’t want an STD at age 35 that you contacted at age 16. You’re going to be SO MAD at 16-year-old-you.)

Whoo, anyway. So. You’re sixteen, you’re getting it on with your main squeeze. He’s all, “send me a picture of your boobs, Sally!” or “Talk dirty to me, Betty Sue!” and you have a moment of, “Hmm. Should I do that?”

NO. NO YOU SHOULD NOT.

There are many reasons. At the moment it’s happening? You trust that person implicitly. You think they’re forever and ever. How many old people do you know that are married to their high-school sweethearts? Very few. Because THAT SHIT DON’T LAST YO. So, once you’ve broken up, someone’s going to have hurt feelings. And if it’s him with the hurt feelings? You can bet he’s still got that nekkid picture of you. And now EVERYONE YOU KNOW HAS IT. Hope you like everyone seeing your tatas! Including maybe your parents, your siblings, your grandparents, and potential employers!

Your mom’s reaction to getting forwarded your sexts. Don’t you feel proud?

Also, I was pointed in the direction to a site with quite a bit of amateur porn on it recently. I’m kind of the most naive about things, so I alternated shocked-facing and laughing like a moron. YES, I know about PORN. Porn wasn’t what was shocking. That everyday normal people were recording themselves and then posting it online like it was a good idea was the surprising part. These people seemed to be of-age, so that was going for them. But WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING. Listen, the whole internet doesn’t need to see you plowing your girlfriend on a lawnchair with your socks on while your dog licks the camera.

Rule of thumb: the internet lasts forever. Phones count as the internet. Before you send/write anything online? Assume it’s going to come back to bite you in the ass someday. Are you ok with that? Or would you be mortified? If it’s the latter, DON’T DO IT. (Spoiler alert: it’s always the latter.)

Having Babies in High School on Purpose

I assume this isn’t just a movie-of-the-week thing and it’s really real. And research backs me up. Apparently, high-school girls think that it is cool and it is a status symbol to have a baby in high school, so they PURPOSELY get pregnant in high school, to the point of MAKING A PACT TO DO SO. This seems to be a way to create a little person who will unconditionally love them, and also they think it will make all the people look up to them like they are the coolest.

There was a Lifetime Movie and everything. It isn’t even a joke.

OK. Want another scenario? Cool. So, you get pregnant on purpose at age 16. Everyone pays attention to you! You and your glowy pregnant self and your cute pregnant belly! And you get showers, and presents, and you get to put together a crib, and WHOO! What an ADVENTURE! Then you have a BABY! And aw, little FINGERS and little TOES!

That baby cries a lot. And you’re expected to get up with it. Like, at 3am. No one else does it. This puts a little crimp in your lifestyle, but listen, people come over and see you, and the baby, and lavish all the attention on you, and you are SO POPULAR ZOMG.

Then it’s time for college. All your friends, they are going to college. Are you going to college? Nope. You are not. You have a baby, you see. They are full of plans and schemes and such. They don’t have a lot of time to come over and hang with you and your baby, who’s actually not as cute and baby-like anymore, and more little-human-like. Huh. You’re not getting a lot of attention. And the baby’s not giving you any attention, other than crying all the time. As babies do.

So you’re kind of trapped. Everyone’s moving on, and the little person you created to give you unconditional love isn’t even able to vocalize yet. Well, other than the screaming. The constant screaming.

“Oh, you’re all going off to a concert? Great, I’ll just…um…stay here, with the baby. That’s fine! Have fun! Ha! Ha ha! I WISH I WAS DEAD.”

Maybe, just maybe? It wasn’t a good idea to have a baby yet. Just a thought.

Listen, I don’t have anything against babies. I think I’d be very, very bad at being a mom. I’m an excellent aunt, but I think part of that is because I can give The Nephew back at the end of the day. I’m not patient and I’m don’t have enough free time and a kajillion other reasons, blah blah blah. I can’t even imagine that having one in high school ON PURPOSE is a good idea. I couldn’t even handle one now and I’m well on my way to middle age. I knew a girl in high school who was pregnant and hid it until she just about gave birth; I knew a bunch of us who sang the entire damn Hallelujah chorus in the high school bathrooms when we got our periods and didn’t get pregnant from making stupid choices like not using enough or correct birth control.

Don’t create a little person whose sole purpose in life is to love you and to make people love you. That’s a lot of pressure on that little baby’s shoulders. That little baby shouldn’t have that kind of pressure. Cut that right out.

If You Do Have That Ill-Advised Baby, Don’t Name it Something Ridiculous

You’re going to name me Chystyph’yr? WHY DO YOU HATE ME MOM?

I found this article yesterday and I almost spit-took.

This person let her toddler name her child. Her toddler named her child after its favorite thing, and therefore she ended up with a second child named Spongebob.

I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS.

Well, at least one person’s happy. Or, thing. One thing’s happy.

I also work at that answering service, and we answer for a lot of pediatric offices. So I talk to a lot of moms who need medical advice for their children. And people name their children VERY STUPID THINGS.

I feel terrible telling you what those things are, because what if those kids do a search someday, and they find their name? Because it’s not their fault their parents were asshats.

Yes, sure, these kids could change their names when they become old enough. That doesn’t change the fact that they have to go through 18 years of teachers pronouncing their names wrong in front of classrooms, kids picking on them for it, explaining their parents’ choices, etcetera ad infinitum.

Do not name your child something that is a brand name. Do not name your child something with a lot of apostrophes in it. Do not name  your child something that rhymes with something gynecological or scatological. THINK OF YOUR CHILD’S WELL-BEING. Here’s a quick rule: would you want that name? Yes? Great, legally change your name to that. Don’t do it to your kid.

Also, putting a shit-ton of “y”s into a name to make it different so that it stands out from all the other same names – for example, there are a million Camerons, but there’s only one Cymyryn! STOP IT. It looks like a stripper name. Do you want your daughter (hell, or son) to strip? Do you really? Because if you do, keep naming them things like Mydysyn and Cymyryn and Shynnyn. THESE HAVE NO VOWELS.

Doing the STUPIDEST DRUGS EVER

Listen, were there drugs when I was a kid? Of course there were. Did I do them? Well, not when I was in high school. I was not cool enough, come on.

When I was a kid, the drugs of choice were really bad pot and alcohol. That’s it. I don’t know if we even knew anything else existed. When I got to college, sometimes people would find things like hash. Oh, and the pot was of better quality. I don’t know that I knew anyone who did much of anything else. We couldn’t afford it, basically. We were pretty practical.

As I got older, I became acquainted with people who thought it was a good idea to try other things. Cocaine. Acid. (Oh, the hour-long conversation with the guy who wanted to describe his recent acid trip to me. NO ONE CARES THAT THE POSTERS ON THE WALL WERE TALKING TO YOU, GOOBER.)

I’m not telling you I never, ever did any drugs. I AM telling you I no LONGER do any drugs, because I don’t like chemically inducing myself to be stupid. And I am ALSO telling you that I was always way too much of a chickenshit to do much of anything, because I watched too many afterschool specials and very special episodes of primetime television as a child. I’M SO EXCITED I’M SO SCARED.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH PEOPLE TODAY.

So apparently kids are drinking hand sanitizer? Soaking tampons with vodka and inserting them? And doing…what…something?…to Robitussin so it becomes a drug? And calling it “robotripping” because AREN’T YOU CLEVER?

Really? Cough medicine and hand sanitizer? REALLY?

And now there’s this “bath salts” nonsense that makes you “experience a mix of physical and psychological symptoms…can cause excited delirium and severe hallucinations…can become violent and suicidal…super-human strength, and long-lasting euphoria or paranoia.”

I get it. Kids are creative. That’s good! That means they’re thinking. With their thinkers. Nice. HOWEVER. I don’t know that you need to be using your thinkers for coming up with new and creative ways to get high, especially when those highs are making you INSANE.

I get it. It’s like sex. Kids want to try this, and there’s no way we’re going to stop them. I GET IT. But seriously, kiddos. Much like the 35-year-old-you is going to be pissed at the 16-year-old-you for getting that disgusting STD, the 35-year-old-you is going to be pretty pissed at good-times-you for thinking killing the part of your brain that remembers math problems because you just had to drink the Purell, you know? STOP BEING IDIOTIC. I know your impulse control is in the negative numbers right now, but come on. No one can think that putting a tampon soaked in vodka up your hooha is a good idea. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOUR COOCH IS FOR. Come right on. Be nicer to your cooch. You’re going to want that someday for fun-times.

Texting While Driving

OK. Again, I’m not going to stop any of you from doing this. EVERYONE does this. Top-secret news? I’ve totally done this myself. Thing is, I only do it at stoplights. I’m too scared to do otherwise. I am easily distractable and just know I’ll die if I do it and attempt to operate a moving vehicle.

Kids aren’t very good drivers to begin with. Add them not even having their eyes on the road because they’re WRITING A LITTLE MESSAGE on a TEENY TINY KEYBOARD, and, well, listen, you’re going to kill someone I care about.

STOP DOING THIS.

I promise whatever it is can wait. I promise. Listen, like I said. I don’t like being separated from my phone that long, either. I’m obsessed with it. But if I can do it, you can, too. Also, there’s this voice-to-text option now. Maybe that? Maybe you can use that. Because if you kill someone I care about because you’re texting while driving, I’m going to get totally stabby.

OK, kiddos, and others, what have we learned today?

Well, to boil it all down into one sentence:

IF IT SEEMS LIKE IT MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA IN THE LONG RUN, DON’T DO IT.

Easy, right? I know. I totally give the best advice. If you have questions about whether or not you should do something? Ask. I’ll let you know. I’m happy to help. I actually kind of like teens, even though most people think they’re annoying. They mean well, even though they wear inappropriately-low tops and their jeans are too big.

Oh! AND, to continue our week of Bloggiversary celebrations!

Your sixth-most-popular blog post of the WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR!

Nothing Good Has Ever Come from Use of a Ouija Board, Dummy

I am perplexed about this one. It’s not overly…well, funny. Or even good. I have no idea why this is the sixth-most-popular post of the entire year. None. (Again, sorry about the formatting. Stupid Blogger import. I’m not allowed to fix them, apparently.) It’s about horror movies. And what’s scary/funny/stupid. It’s fine, it’s not garbage. It’s just a perplexing choice for one of the top posts of the YEAR, you know? Huh. I don’t know, who am I to fight with the VOICE OF THE PEOPLE?I can’t even tell you what we’ve learned from this one because I’m perplexed. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Remember! Comment on yesterday’s post in order to be entered to win a totally awesome gift box of…um…stuff! That will be awesome!

Happy Monday, people! Tomorrow at this time, I’ll be with Susie. WITH SUSIE. In my favorite city in all the land! I’m so excited I could just about die. Oh, and PEE ESS, thank you powers that be for keeping planes up when appropriate and landing them when appropriate so both Susie and Ken got to their places in one piece. I freak out a little when my people are traveling. I like when I get the “all clear I AM OK AMY” messages. I know. I’m a little nuts. YOU STILL LOVE ME THOUGH.


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