I’m a little out of the loop, so wasn’t aware it was Emmy Nominations day on Thursday. Luckily, I have my musical muse and all-around amazing friend sj to inform me of such things.
So I scuttled my butt-le over to the Emmy website to check out the damage. Now, everything I do, as mentioned yesterday, is most likely being observed by our office Big Brother now. I like to imagine our IT department as the banker in that Deal or No Deal show, all hanging out in a glass room overlooking the office, watching us and being disgusted.
I’m watching you, Amy.
In actuality they’re just a couple of guys, one in a cubicle around the corner from me, one in an office. The disgust is real, though. I didn’t make that shit up. So, anyway, IT knows that I spent a majority of today dissecting the Emmy nominations. Maybe I can tell them it’s work-related. I needed to know it…for…tax-purposes. One of our clients…is…um…an Emmy bookie? YES YES THAT’S IT.
Also, my office just blocked Twitter. Took ‘em less than 24 hours. Saw that one coming a mile off. Haven’t blocked Hootsuite yet, but I’m sure it’ll just be a matter of days before they figure that shit out. In case you’re wondering why I’m not responding your tweets in a timely fashion? That’s be the reason. Because of spying fascists.
I’m pretty out of the loop of awards shows lately. I didn’t even watch the Oscars this year. I didn’t care. I had them on in the background, if I remember correctly, while I did other shit. I didn’t even pay attention. I hadn’t seen any of the movies so it didn’t matter to me. I have the Tonys recorded, but haven’t seen them yet. The Emmys, though. I like to watch them, because I WATCH television, you know? I feel like I have a stake in what’s going on. (Same thing with the Golden Globes, only with additional fun in that there’s an open bar at the Golden Globes. Those people are usually TOASTED.)
Even the host drinks at the Golden Globes! Huzzah!
So, let’s talk about the Emmys! One of the only two awards shows in which I kind of sort of know what’s going on, because at least half of the shows nominated (or which failed to be nominated) I watch. Or at least have recorded and plan to watch, sometime in the near future.
I had no idea that there were so MANY awards. The PDF of awards is like eleventy-billion pages long. We’re not going to go into the little detailed awards way down the page. We’re going to stick with the main awards. Otherwise this would be longer than normal, and also I have the attention span of a crack-addicted titmouse.
Gimme ma crack, yo!
Outstanding Comedy Series. Big Bang Theory, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Girls, Modern Family, 30 Rock, Veep. OK, well, to be honest, I only watch two of these, and only one regularly (30 Rock regularly – it’s not that funny anymore – and Modern Family when I can catch it, again, not as funny as it used to be) so I’m not the MOST educated about this. Smart people I know love Girls, so I’ll take their word for that. Here’s the thing. There are shows missing from this list. There are two shows on television that make me laugh until I snort on a weekly basis. Parks and Recreation and Community. Granted, Community wasn’t as good this season, but it’s still far better than most things on television. And Parks and Recreation – are maybe the Emmy voters not WATCHING the show? It’s the only thing I can fathom. I know. I laugh a lot. I love to laugh! I laugh at things that AREN’T funny, just to get some laughs in every day. It’s something I do. But if a show can make me laugh, can make me honestly laugh, to the point of tears – that’s outstanding, isn’t it? (Also, Cougar Town is really funny. The writing is wonderful on that show. Why do the shows I love get ignored?) Also, in news of the whaaa, I didn’t know Curb Your Enthusiasm was still on television at all.
Come on, just for the 8-bit video game episode alone? This is embarrassing, Emmy voters. EMBARRASSING.
Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. A million people were nominated here. OK, fine, seven. Seven women. Lena Dunham for Girls; Melissa McCarthy for Mike & Molly; Zooey Deschanel for New Girl; Edie Falco for Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler for Parks and Recreation; Tina Fey for 30 Rock and Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Veep. I feel like Melissa McCarthy keeps getting nominated for Bridesmaids because Mike & Molly isn’t all that funny. Melissa McCarthy is awesome; that show is ok, but she deserves better. I don’t hate New Girl as much as most people do, but it’s not Emmy-nomination-worthy. Effing Zooey Deschanel and her schtick make me want to punch someone/something. Tina Fey is my girl, and I love her, but this season of 30 Rock was really not nomination-worthy. Amy Poehler – yes yes yes. I don’t know that I have anyone else I’d put in here, because lead actress in a comedy is a tough category. Most comedy I enjoy is ensemble-based. (And I’m not sure how this is set up. Do the shows decide if a person is a lead or a supporting? Based on something weird that happens later on down the road, I’m guessing yes.) Oh, also, this category proves that Emmy voters ARE watching Parks and Recreation; they’re just humorless automatons who don’t know what’s awesome in the world. Shit. I think they must work here. DO YOU WORK HERE, EMMY VOTERS? (Also, I’m choosing to ignore you, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. My hate for the Seinfeld people goes super, super deep. Even when one of them used to be a Saturday Night Live cast member. I know. Hate me if you must.)
Look at this awesome faaaace! Also, best first name ever.
Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory; Larry David for Curb Your Enthusiasm; Don Cheadle for House of Lies; Louis C.K. for Louie; Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock and Jon Cryer for Two and a Half Men. OK, I’m saving my complaining until the supporting categories, because, like I said, I’m not sure if the people I love were snubbed here, or in the supporting categories. I don’t watch Big Bang so I can’t say a word. Smart people love it. It’s laugh-tracky, so I can’t watch that. I’ve never heard of House of Lies. I don’t approve of Larry David. I like Louis C.K. and smart people like that show a lot. I love Alec Baldwin, but this season of 30 Rock’s been really flat. Jon Cryer should not be nominated for this shitshow of a program because listen, Emmy voters, I know we all love Duckie, and you’re all obviously voting for him out of nostalgia or something, but stop it. He’s not playing Duckie in this show. Stop encouraging this nonsense, maybe it’ll get off the air. Again, I’m not sure who I would have nominated here, as I’m not sure how the nominations line up with this category or supporting. I guess I’m rooting for Louis C.K, even though I don’t watch the show. Parsons and Baldwin have already won, and Louis C.K. was funny on Parks and Recreation so I can pretend he’s winning for that. (Also, shouldn’t my Neil Patrick Harris be here? WHERE IS MY NPH. I don’t watch his show, but he should be nominated for, and win, every category. Just for being alive. I love him just that much.)
NPH wants to know where his nomination is. He wants you to remember that “Pretty in Pink” was a loooong time ago. This has been a public service announcement from NPH.
Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. Blossom for The Big Bang Theory (shut up, she’s always going to be Blossom to me); Kathryn Joosten for Desperate Housewives; Julie Bowen for Modern Family; Sofia Vergara for Modern Family; Merritt Wever for Nurse Jackie; and Kristen Wiig for Saturday Night Live. Now, this one kind of bugs me, because both of the Modern Family ladies, while fine, aren’t as good as Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, or Busy Phillips from Parks and Recreation, Community, and Cougar Town, respectively. I know nothing about Blossom but hear good things, and dammit, she’s Blossom! With the hats and the adorable capers and the very special episodes! Kathryn Joosten died so sometimes they like to give people awards for dying (also, Desperate Housewives, STOP SAYING YOU’RE A COMEDY! You’re NOT! ARGH! Well, I guess this is the last year you’ll be saying you’re a comedy, since you’re off the air, ha ha.) I don’t care about Nurse Jackie and also I hear it’s not much of a comedy. And I love love love love LOVE my Kristen Wiig, and would like to see her win, because it was her last season of SNL this year. But Aubrey Plaza and Alison Brie and Busy Phillips should be in this category, dammit. They rock.
LOVE LOVE LOVE. Remember when April and Andy adopted a billion dogs? NOMINATE HER DAMMIT!
Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. Ed O’Neill for Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson for Modern Family; Ty Burrell for Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet for Modern Family; Max Greenfield for New Girl; and Bill Hader for Saturday Night Live. WHO THE HELL ON THE MODERN FAMILY STAFF IS BLOWING THE EMMY VOTERS. Listen, I love Stonestreet (his acceptance speech a couple years ago made me weep – was that at the Emmys? The Golden Globes? He’s awesome) and the show, as I mentioned, is pretty funny. And even though New Girl’s kind of lame, I like Greenfield (mostly because I loved him on Veronica Mars STOP JUDGING ME.) But there are people missing here. HYSTERICAL people. Let’s list a few, shall we? Community: Danny Pudi and Donald Glover (but Chevy Chase and Joel McHale aren’t too shabby, either.) 30 Rock: Jack McBrayer and Tracey Morgan. And, and and AND, it’s like Parks and Recreation didn’t EXIST! You didn’t see Chris Pratt this season? You didn’t see Aziz Ansari? You didn’t see (sigh, MY BOYFRIEND!) Adam Scott? And – listen, do you not HAVE a funny bone? Do you really not have one? Were you born without it? Because if you watched Parks and Recreation and didn’t laugh hysterically at every single thing that came out of Nick Offerman’s mouth – not ONLY what he said, just his FACIAL EXPRESSIONS – you are a soulless waste of breath. OK, I might be exaggerating, I get it, maybe it’s not your style of comedy, I’m not judging. But are you telling me, are you really telling me, that effing ED O’NEILL is funnier than NICK OFFERMAN? No. You must be staging an elaborate prank, wherein the nominees will all get on stage and then all shout, in unison, “You been PUNK’D, Nick Offerman!” and then they will all carry him onstage, bodily, and give him the award. Also many breakfast meats. Because seriously, it’s like this can’t even be happening right now.
This is Ron Swanson dancing, wearing a very small hat. When this aired, it made my entire YEAR. Emmy voters, I hate you a little bit right now.
Guest Actress in a Comedy Series. Dot-Marie Jones for Glee; Maya Rudolph for Saturday Night Live; Melissa McCarthy for Saturday Night Live; Elizabeth Banks for 30 Rock; Margaret Cho for 30 Rock; and Kathy Bates for Two and a Half Men. OK, first, Glee? YOU ARE NOT A COMEDY. Stop the lies. I don’t laugh at ANYTHING on Glee. I groan a lot, lately, honestly, but that’s a whole other issue. Anyway, Dot-Marie Jones rocks the character of Coach Bieste, but she’s not a guest actress. She’s a supporting actress. She doesn’t belong here. This whole system is fucked, pardon my fran-cayze. Maya Rudolph was fine on SNL, but Melissa McCarthy’s hosting stint was STELLAR. This is a well-deserved nomination. She’s made for sketch comedy, this woman. She rocks everything she does. Elizabeth Banks is ok on 30 Rock. And, hee! I had NO IDEA that was Margaret Cho playing Kim Jong-Il on 30 Rock, that’s so funny! I kind of just want her to win because she fooled me!
Hidden Valley RANCH party, yo!
Guest Actor in a Comedy Series. Michael J. Fox for Curb Your Enthusiasm; Greg Kinnear for Modern Family; Bobby Cannavale for Nurse Jackie; Jimmy Fallon for Saturday Night Live; Will Arnett for 30 Rock; and Jon Hamm for 30 Rock. Ooh, this one’s going to be tough. There’s a lot of Fox love, but he’s also nominated for The Good Wife (and he is AMAZING on that show.) Didn’t see Kinnear on Modern Family (and, ENOUGH with the Modern Family circle-jerk, this is getting obscene!) Don’t care about Nurse Jackie, but do like Cannavale. Loved Fallon on SNL, it was a great episode. Love both Arnett and Hamm on 30 Rock. I’m glad I don’t have to vote for this one. I think I’d give it to Arnett for 30 Rock, if I had to choose. His character doesn’t show up much anymore, and he never got the accolades for it he deserved. Also, he’s Gob, you know? Gob should get ALL the awards.
I’m now going to skip some, otherwise we’re going to be here all YEAR. Gah.
Outstanding Drama Series. Boardwalk Empire; Breaking Bad; Downton Abbey; Game of Thrones; Homeland; Mad Men. Um. An embarrassing fact about me is that I’ve only seen one of these, and Season Two of it wasn’t as good as Season One so I don’t think it should win here. I have no opinion on this. (Oh, you are aware the only thing I’ve seen here is Game of Thrones, right? OK, good. In my defense, I plan on watching all of these eventually except Homeland. I don’t like Claire Danes.)
Actress in a Drama. Glenn Close for Damages; Michelle Dockery for Downton Abbey; Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife; Kathy Bates for Harry’s Law; Claire Danes for Homeland; Elizabeth Moss for Mad Men. Margulies for the win, please. I’ve only seen The Good Wife and Harry’s Law, and the season of Harry’s Law this is based on is TERRIBLE. I mean, I like Bates, but no no no, and also, it wasn’t even a very good show BEFORE this most recent season. This is another “giving the actress, not the role, a nomination” nomination. I haven’t seen the rest, but I have a hard time believing anyone’s better than my Alicia Florrick.
I love her. LOOOOVE her. Give her all the awards, ok? Thanks.
Actor in a Drama. Steve Buscemi for Boardwalk Empire; Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad; Michael C. Hall for Dexter; Hugh Bonneville for Downton Abbey; Damian Lewis for Homeland and Jon Hamm for Mad Men. Um. I’ve seen none of these. You guys choose, I’m out. (For the record, I’d just pick Buscemi because of Ghost World and Reservoir Dogs, and that’s not how you’re supposed to do this at all.) Also, where is Walt Goggins from Justified, I ask you? He kills in that role, absolutely kills. I mean, he didn’t get as much to play with this season, but he still knocked what he was given out of the park, and I love him. Or would he be a supporting actor? I guess a case could be made for either.
Look, he’s even a little confused where his nomination is.
Supporting Actress in a Drama. Anna Gunn for Breaking Bad; Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey; Joanne Froggatt for Downton Abbey; Archie Panjabi for The Good Wife; Christine Baranski for The Good Wife and Christina Hendricks for Mad Men. KALINDA WINS THIS ONE OR SHE WILL SMASH YOUR SKULL WITH A BASEBALL BAT END OF STORY. (Fine, she won last year, it’ll probably be one of the Downton Abbey ladies, whatever. Kalinda could take ‘em.)
Don’t eff with my Kalinda. She’s got a gun. Which she knows how to use.
Supporting Actor in a Drama. Aaron Paul for Breaking Bad; Giancarlo Esposito for Breaking Bad; Brendan Coyle for Downton Abbey; Jim Carter for Downton Abbey; Peter Dinklage for Game of Thrones; and Jared Harris for Mad Men. Well, like NPH, Dinklage deserves all awards forever and for always, but like I said, this season of Game of Thrones was kind of weak. Haven’t seen any of the others. But I will always be happy to see Dinklage receive an award, because then I yell “DINKLAGE!” out loud and scare the cat.
DINKLAGE! (And Dumbcat hides under the couch.)
Guest Actress in a Drama. Martha Plimpton for The Good Wife; Loretta Devine for Grey’s Anatomy; Jean Smart for Harry’s Law; Julia Ormond for Mad Men; Joan Cusack for Shameless; and Uma Thurman for Smash. Conversation held by Emmy voters: “Shit, we really need to get more viewers, and also throw a kick-ass party. How can we do that?” “Invite the BEST PEOPLE!” “How can we do that?” “Well, some really kick-ass people guest-starred on some shows this season…they might not have had the best PERFORMANCES, but if we NOMINATE them, they’ll come to the SHOW, and the party will rock, plus we’ll get more media coverage and more people will watch.” “BRILLIANT! DO IT, BABY!” (I have no idea if most of these women were any good at all, but don’t you find it a little suspicious that they’re all name-recognition mega-stars? I do. I’m rooting for Martha, BTW. She rocks in that role and in LIFE.)
Look, it’s a twofer! BOTH of the people I want to win!
Guest Actor in a Drama. Mark Margolis for Breaking Bad; Dylan Baker for The Good Wife; Michael J. Fox for The Good Wife; Jeremy Davies for Justified; Ben Feldman for Mad Men; and Jason Ritter for Parenthood. Aw, little Jason Ritter! He’s cute on Parenthood, but Emmy-worthy? I don’t know. I think he got nominated in memory of his dad, to be honest. I’m going for Fox. His guest role on The Good Wife is amazing. Plus, to be honest, he’s going to get the pity vote. What? I know it’s shitty but he is. Just telling it like it is.
Random other things that bear mention:
Stupid American Horror Story (because I guess you can choose?) put itself up as a miniseries so it would have less competition than it would in the drama category. Just for that tomfoolery, it deserves no awards. NO AWARDS, American Horror Story, do you hear me? (Let it be clear that I love American Horror Story; I just don’t like that it tried trickery to get awards. That’s not fairplay at all.)
Oh, Tate. So awesome. THIS IS NOT A MINISERIES, THOUGH.
MY BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH is up for best actor in a miniseries or movie. You give that to him. You give that to him RIGHT EFFING NOW. I want to see him get an award, dammit.
Martin Freeman is also up for best supporting actor in a miniseries or movie for his role as Watson, which I like very much. Snubbed in this category (since they shoved themselves into it all rudely): Evan Peters from American Horror Story. His Tate just floored me this season. He may not deserve the award (Freeman does; there’s nothing on television that equals Sherlock) but he deserved the nomination.
Oh, sigh. When is Season 3 again?
Why is the only episode nominated for Sherlock “A Scandal in Belgravia?” It was excellent, but “The Reichenbach Fall” was better, in my opinion. What, you don’t want my opinion? Well, you waited a long damn time to tell me that, now didn’t you?
If he doesn’t deserve to win for this alone, I don’t know what criteria you people are using.
So, now, the question is, will I WATCH the Emmys? Yeah, probably. Because, CUMBERBATCH. That seals the deal, right there. I’m pretty easy. Especially when my Cumberbatch is involved. Sigh.