Category Archives: letter

An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 33)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Here we are! End of March. Weather’s pretty much the same as it was in February. This is all very disheartening. I am very much ready for spring. I want mud and growing things and the smell of fresh newness and all this snow to melt so I don’t have to risk my life every time I pull out of a driveway onto a road, dammit. COME ON, EARTH. We’ve suffered through a bothersomely long and cold and snowy winter. Please give us our spring. We deserve it now, please. Pleeeeease.

I am trying very hard to stick to a writing schedule; I have it all written up and hung where I can see it and it tells me what to write when so I can get things out there. Some are for the blog and some are for the OTHER blog and some are for OTHER people’s blogs and some are for submissions for publication, because I’m trying to be fancy this year and stop procrastinating. I mean, I’m not getting any younger. I have a lot of words in me. I’d like more people to see them. I think this might be the time to do that.

Yep. Totally me. Only much less corsety and much more pajama-and-cat-hair-y.

Yep. Totally me. Only much less corsety and much more pajama-and-cat-hair-y.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi hi hi! Welcome to the old Football. Sometimes I write things here. Sometimes I get busy and don’t have time. I’m thinking of you ALL THE TIME, though! Like a friendly stalker!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 33th one. That is easily divisible by 11! In case you weren’t aware! That makes it a very good number! If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Eh. Who knows. Good times, I guess. Good times and crazy search terms.

I didn’t get many questions this month, but I got a lot of search terms. I thought about splitting this into two posts, but I’m too damn lazy. So this is going to be one hellaciously long post. Hope you’re all up for the challenge.

Here we go, jellybeans. I called friend A. jellybean at work today, and he was all “WHO CALLS SOMEONE JELLYBEAN?” and that made me laugh. A lot. Because I do! I call people jellybean!

I only call the people I really, really love food-related nicknames. It's a thing with me.

I only call the people I really, really love food-related nicknames. It’s a thing with me.

are you brave enough to delete people you dont like from your facebook Am I brave enough? Is this a dare? Is this like how Marty in Back the Future couldn’t not get in a fight if someone challenged him? Well, if it’s a “brave” thing (which I would argue), then, yes, weirdo, I guess I can claim that. But mostly the people I unfriend and/or delete isn’t a dislike thing, it’s more of a “I no longer know/talk to this person” thing, so I start thinking, “do I really want them on my personal Facebook page?” and the answer is 99% of the time no, no I do not, so I unfriend them. I realize this is not what normal people do; I can only assume, per the sheer mass of friends most of you seem to have on Facebook, you never unfriend anyone, and are friends with everyone from your newspaper delivery boy to your 98-year-old Nonna, but I’m very weird about social media. As for deleting people, there are some people I’ve blocked, yes, for various reasons, some of them stalkery, some of them ex-friendy. None of this is really all that fascinating, dear. To answer your question: yep. I’m as brave as that sassy redhead from the Scottish Pixar bear movie. Rawr.

Merida would NEVER fear deleting someone from her Facebook!

Merida would NEVER fear deleting someone from her Facebook!

blogging etiquette for kids I’m curious. Is this about child-bloggers, or is this about “should I post my children’s photos on Facebook?” Are child-bloggers like sweatshop workers, and you force them to blog every night after school and they’re all “I DON’T WANT TO, MOMMY!” and you’re like “you’ll DO it, and you’ll LIKE it” and they cry and cry and you offer them an ice cream sandwich if they finish the damn thing? I’m not enjoying the idea of child bloggers at the moment. If it’s about putting children’s photos on the internet…well, you have to trust your gut on this one, and know that if you do it, there are weirdos that will most likely put your child’s photo on a porn site. The world is full of such nonsense. I am pretty selective about what photos of The Nephew I put on here. Like, I just did the zoo blog, and it needed at least a COUPLE photos of The Nephew, or you’d think I’d made him up and drove to Utica alone, but I made sure he was all bundled up, or behind a lion photo-thingy or something. Probably still pervs will find my blog, though. That’s what pervs are good at. Well, that and searching my blog for things like “literotica dogs and ladees.” STOP THAT.

bubble adult finnish necklace scientific articles worst of There’s a lot going on here, and I’m not 100% sure what it all means. I even did some variations of searches on this, and nothing. Andreas? Any ideas? There’s science here, but also necklaces, and since Andreas’ fiancée makes such gorgeous jewelry, maybe they can put their heads together and figure out what’s happening here, even though technically the two of them are Swedish, not Finnish, despite currently living in the land of the Finns. This is becoming very tangled so please enjoy this photo of a bubbly jeweled thong thing I found on the intertubes.

Yeah. This isn't at all ouchy-looking.

Yeah. This isn’t at all ouchy-looking.

coloring pages of eyes nose mouth of tim tebow Why would you WANT this? Only his eyes, nose, and mouth? I don’t…does anyone even talk about Tim Tebow anymore? Remember he was such a big deal? What happened to him? Is he no longer praying and causing everyone to have aneurisms over the separation of church and sportsball? HOLY CRAP IT’S A THING. It’s really a thing. WHAT IS HAPPENING. Who wants this? Kids? Adults? Women with crushes? Pastors? I am so confused, you guys. The internet never fails to amaze me. Sincerely.

This scares me. Kind of a lot.

This scares me. Kind of a lot.

facebook funny coworkers blocking you HA HA HA! That IS funny, your coworkers blocking you! Oh, wait, I think that means they hate you. I think that means you fail interpersonal relations. Not sending you a friend request is one thing…blocking you, that’s pretty serious. Dude, did someone tell you this is funny? They were lying.

i am not mad i just need sex Can I tell you a story? One of the things I hate most in the world is when you’re in a terrible mood, and someone (male, female, it doesn’t matter, both do such things) say something like “ugh, SOMEONE needs to get laid.” I usually say in response to that, “SOMEONE needs to get laid out” and then I make a move like I’m going to punch them in the neck, and also I say something totally inappropriate like “are you implying I don’t know how to masturbate?” because I have learned that there’s very little that shuts people up quicker than talking about female masturbation. Why is it that male masturbation is not only understood as something that happens and is normal and also a joke on all the sitcoms, but female masturbation NEVER gets talked about, and it makes people all freaked out as if it’s like sacrificing a virgin to a volcano? That probably has nothing to do with this search term, but why not take the opportunity to rant a bit, you know?

Why does this look like a child wrote it? *shudder*

Why does this look like a child wrote it? *shudder*

i hate it when people think your stupid quote images Oh. Sigh. Do we need to have this talk again? You’re = you are, your = possessive for something that belongs to you. “I hate it when people think YOU’RE stupid.” Not “your stupid.” I mean, go on and own your stupidITY, darlin’, that’s ok, but not in this format in this sentence. OK? And if you find an image with it spelled this way, don’t use it, because then people WILL think you’re stupid.

A whole SHIRT that's a grammatical nightmare. I kind of ironically want this.

A whole SHIRT that’s a grammatical nightmare. I kind of ironically want this.

i looked silver fillings brother’s mouth HOLY CRAP NO! NOT SILVER FILLINGS! (What does this mean? Anyone know?) My brother has no fillings. My brother and I have excellent oral hygiene due to fluoride pills as children. *curtseys*

i love you then i hate you. i wanna throw you from a cliff then I thought maybe this was a song (I’m not ruling that out – it might be, still, I just don’t know which one, if so.) But if it’s NOT a song…man, don’t be throwing people off cliffs. Did you read about that woman who got married, then right after took her husband up to the mountains and pushed him off a cliff? It’s all very salacious and who knows what happened there. I’m sure it’ll be on 20/20 soon enough. Or one of those Nightline: MURDER! shows and they’ll call it “The Newlywed Killer” or something. I get it: the people we love sometimes are extremely frustrating. But clench your fists or yell into a pillow or get therapy or something. Don’t murder them. Because then the next day, when you’re over it, they’ll still be dead, and you’ll be someone’s bitch in a prison cell. Do you want that? I don’t think you do.

i was the class clown but now i’m not that funny Yeah, that happens. Sometimes when you get older, you no longer have that forum in which to crack everyone up. I mean, you’re not in a classroom setting anymore, and you’re no longer all hormones and awkwardness, and you don’t NEED to be funny to survive…so your need to make loud fart noises when the teacher sits, or say things like “Jenny Jacobs is a tampon!” really loudly leaves you. It’s ok. Watch old standup videos and think about your long-lost glory. Take out the yearbook where you got voted Class Clown and cry a little on the signatures. Tell sad jokes into your shaving mirror and go off to your soul-crushing job as a stockbroker and think, “WHY ME? WHY LORD WHY ME?” You’re welcome, Crackup McGurk. Best of luck. Here’s a banana peel, go fall down and see if anyone laughs. (Bee tee dubs? Those of us the class clown were mocking back then are adults who are making people laugh on the regular now. Just an FYI. Hope you’re happy thinking about all those people you’re not making laugh now.)

Aw, the tears of the class clown. *sniff*

Aw, the tears of the class clown. *sniff*

if u r bad then say me ur dad What does this mean? It’s like a little textspeak rhyme. Let’s translate it into normal human English. “If you’re bad, then say I’m your father.” Is this an alternate way to say “Who’s your daddy?” or even “Who’s been a bad girl?” I’m completely befuddled. I refuse to use textspeak. It bothers me so much. I get it’s faster if you’re texting all fast, but it’s not that much faster. And why are we in such a race? I text everything the same way as I would write. It makes people laugh. They comment on it all the time. “You text and write the SAME!” Yes. I’m very old. It’s what I do.

im doing my paralelle parking on my 7th hour of driving . . . is this a good thing ? I don’t know because I’m confused by your question. You’ve only been driving for 7 hours and you’re learning parallel parking? I guess that’s good. I’ve been driving for 22 years and I’m still terrible at parallel parking. I’ll walk an extra ten minutes rather than parallel park. So if you can master it, you go, brave driver, you go. And don’t you let anyone tell you that you don’t need to know how to do it. You do. MASTER THAT SKILL. It’s one you’ll need as an adult, no matter what anyone tells you, and sometimes there’s no choice but parallel parking, and if you can’t do it, you’ll turn around and go home in tears. I mean. So they tell me.

i’m in my 20′s perhaps This, to me, seems to be something one should know. Are you in your 20s? Or are you NOT in your 20s? “Perhaps” is not the right answer to this question. Unless you were raised by wolves and don’t know your true date of birth. If that’s the case, awesome, can I meet your wolf-mom? I think wolves are neat.

it’s so hard not talking to you Ooh. Ouch. Yeah, I’ve had those people. Sorry, lost searcher. It gets better, one way or another. Either you and your person will find your way back to one another (it really does happen), or time will heal all wounds (or, if not heal them, at least make them easier to live with…time and distance do that) and you’ll breathe a little easier each day until one day you won’t realize until about halfway through the day that you haven’t thought about that person all day. Then you’ll get a little weepy, because it seems like you lost them all over again. It takes time, hon. I’m sorry. It’s one of the hardest parts of this whole human-gig we have going on here, and I’ve been there. Sending you much love. You will get through it. I promise.

lemurs happy birthday OMG! Is it the birthday of ALL THE LEMURS? Every last one? Why didn’t anyone tell me? I would have thrown SUCH A PARTY! Happiest of birthdays, lemurs! I hope you have the best year and are not eaten by the hyenas!

THE HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY LEMUR! He looks a little drunk, to be honest. Did someone serve this lemur too many free drinks on his birthday? Come on, people. Fess up.

THE HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY LEMUR! He looks a little drunk, to be honest. Did someone serve this lemur too many free drinks on his birthday? Come on, people. Fess up.

lucy is a person very especial Oh, sí. Muy especial. Especial en la cabeza. Muchas gracias, mi amigo.

maddest musicals ever Now, what are we talking, here. Mad-angry or mad-insane? I’m going to nominate Sweeney Todd for a little of both, for sure. The people in Les Misérables are pretty pissed. Cats is batshit insane. The cats talk and leap all through the audience and scare children, I mean, come on. The titular character in Phantom of the Opera is a lunatic. The characters in Assassins are both angry AND crazy. I could go on, but I feel I’d be boring someone. Or a lot of someones. But if you need a really specific list, I’m your lady. Let me know what you’re looking for, sweet potato.

people who.find friendship waste of time is not friendship Well, isn’t this a nice little adage. People who find that friendship is a waste of time are not your friends, I would assume would be the grammatically correct version of this? Well, good grief, why are you even hanging out with such people? What kind of person says, “I find this whole friendship gig a waste of my precious TIME” to you and yet you continue to hang with them? That’s really more on you than on them. Hit the road, Jack, if that’s happening. I’ve totally been culpable of not keeping in as good of touch with my friends as I should, especially when busy or when my head’s in a bad place (sorry, friends, I love you!) but I don’t know that I’ve ever said, “friendship, man. What a waste of ma TAHME.” If I ever say that, please take me outside of the barn, tell me to think of the rabbits, and put me down, George.

sexscarf I don’t have much to say here, other than this is a most excellent word, and would make a great band name or book title. Someone make it so. SEXSCARF! (You know you can just use regular scarves, right? Right.)

I Googled sexscarf and this came up. Does this look like a sexscarf to you guys?

I Googled sexscarf and this came up. Does this look like a sexscarf to you guys?

short romance stories for middle school Ooh, I love a challenge. “Today was the day! Morton would tell Penelope he loved her. But just as he approached her, he tripped over his too-low-hanging pants, and when she turned to see what the clatter was, her hair got caught in her braces. Better luck next time, Morton!” How’d I do? Pretty romantic, no?

the stupid smile when a person sends a message Yes. This. Sometimes this. That’s all I have to say about that. Thank you.

unipegaso animal OMG UNIPEGOSO. This is totally a Spanish unicorn-pegasus HYBRID. It would say things like “muy peligroso!” and it would also fly you off into the sunset most impressively. Can I have a unipegoso? (SIDE NOTE: there were Mexican wolves at the zoo last weekend and they wouldn’t howl back at The Nephew so I said, “maybe they don’t understand you, I’ll try it” and I said, “Ay yi yi! Muy caliente!” and THEN howled and the wolves STILL didn’t howl back. But The Nephew looked at me like I was insane and said, “Aunt Amy, those wolves don’t talk HUMAN. They speak WOLF.” And then I had a coughing fit that was also giggles.)

A BEAUTIFUL UNIPEGOSO!

A BEAUTIFUL UNIPEGOSO!

volue bases question- if you get a chance to become invisible then what will you do anything else? I have to say I don’t know what “volue bases” means and also I’m confused by this question. What will I do anything else. Like, anything else EVER? Well, yes, I would imagine I would continue to exist, wouldn’t I? Only I would become invisible, like at parties and also maybe if I saw someone I didn’t want to socially interact with. And if I had a wedgie in public. I would not use this power to spy on people. If you spy on people you just find out things you wish you didn’t know, like the fact that your friend is sleeping with the guy from work you’ve had a crush on for two years and hiding it from you because she secretly hates you. I mean, I hear you can find those things out. If you were to spy.

what does it mean if boyfriend rated most like ingo montoya OMG. Are you freaking out over one of those Buzzfeed quizzes? You seriously are, aren’t you? Yesterday it told me that the Breakfast Club character I was most like was John Bender, and I totally rejoiced. Although it’s wrong. I would sadly be most like Brian, the geek who blew up his locker. Also, it’s “Inigo” Montoya. Anyway. It means nothing, is what it means. It means your boyfriend answered enough questions that sorted him into the most-like-this-person category, per whoever made the quiz. Those quizzes are always wrong, by the way, and one of my friends online pointed out they’re a really good way for whoever’s sponsoring Buzzfeed to get marketing statistics out of you and you aren’t even aware they’re doing it. So I wouldn’t worry; your boyfriend probably isn’t prone to swordfights, piracy, or revenge plots. Probably. But if he starts rhyming, look out.

Even Inigo knows Buzzfeed is bullshit.

Even Inigo knows Buzzfeed is bullshit.

what is gasolining I’m really not sure. I was so worried it was going to be a sex thing, but it’s not even a thing-thing. I guess maybe it’s setting someone on fire with gasoline, but it could also be fueling something with gasoline. You could be on the cutting edge with this, searcher! Use it until it’s everywhere! It’s your day! Hoorah hooray!

when pan plays people listen radio I thought this is a Pandora marketing slogan – When Pandora plays, people listen – but apparently I made that up in my head. Nope. This is about Pan. The little goat-footed trickster. When he plays, man, people LISTEN. And also get into SHENANIGANS!

LISTEN, PEOPLE! It's Pan, dammit!

LISTEN, PEOPLE! It’s Pan, dammit!

why you always hating bitch you need a hug *sniff* It’s like you really know me. Come here, you big galoot. Gimme a squish.

wildpark poing plan WILDPARK POING! Listen. I have not yet given up my plan of seeing Wildpark Poing someday. I don’t believe in bucket lists, but if I did, I would totally have this on there. In like all-caps and with stars around it. SOMEDAY I WILL SEE WILDPARK POING! And you can all come, too. I’ll let you. Only, virtually, of course. We wouldn’t want to scare the animals.

I'm coming for you, Poing! I have not forgotten about you!

I’m coming for you, Poing! I have not forgotten about you!

ww.i.knowe.this.person.a.spell.to.let.him.know.i.love.him.com Is this a site? About magic and/or love? Don’t cast love spells. If they work, that person never loved you, and you are just seeing an illusion. How will you ever know if they would have loved you on their own? If they don’t work, you’ll feel stupid. Also, don’t you know the “and it harm none” warning? Controlling someone else’s thoughts, emotions and feelings is harming them. No love spells, darlin’. Find someone else and love them, ok? Oh, wait. A spell to LET him know you love him? I know a way to let him know you love him WITHOUT a spell. TELL HIM. Here, I’ll script it for you: “Hi, (name of person I love.) I know we (are just friends/don’t know each other at all/are Montagues and Capulets/are related by blood.) I just wanted to say I love you. No, no. Not friend-love. Love, love. I want to kiss your face and also let’s take all of our clothes off and just kind of revel in the nudity for a while until we do the naked be-bop. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy, having you make me happy, and building this amazing world with the two of us together. What do you say?” If they say no, DO NOT GO HOME AND CAST SPELLS. What did I tell you about spells? But if they say yes…well, I’d expect your first kiddo to be named Lucy, of course. YOU ARE WELCOME! (They’ll never know you love them unless you tell them. TELL THEM. Is it the scariest thing ever? Sure it is. Just bite that bullet and do it, ok? What have you got to lose? What have you got to gain?)

Whoo-hoo, we made it through March! April’s chock-full-of-goodness…and then comes May! With trips to Europe! And the hugging of people I love! WHO LIVE FAR AWAY!

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 32)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, people! It is now officially almost the end of February. Really all this means to me is that I’m one month closer to going to Finland, and one month closer to seeing Andreas‘ smiling face in PERSON, you guys! (Well, again, as I’ve already seen it…and I see it every couple of weeks when we chat on the Google…but this will be better because it will be in the LAND OF FINNS!) Really I’m just tolerating this winter to make it through to the spring. Because the spring will be AWESOME.

Aw, these interspecies friends are ALSO waiting for spring!

Aw, these interspecies friends are ALSO waiting for spring!

Things have been cuckoo-bananas-crazy around these here parts, with many things going on and much, much busyness. But all is well, just a little hectic. Expect at least ONE post about ONE of the things going on sometime soon, because I have many photos that will make you glow and awww and squee. Once I get a few minutes to write about it, that is. Right now, I’m sneaking this in while I’m watching television and keep getting distracted by the pretty moving pictures.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hello, new friend! Sorry I don’t blog enough. I used to blog more. Maybe I will someday again), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 32th one. That’s kind of impressive, if you think about it. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? I think I feel like I have to, at this point. Like, maybe if I stopped, the earth would just stop SPINNING.

I got a lot of search terms this month, but they were mostly all variations on pervy things and Facebook questions (and someone was stalking my blog by typing in “Lucy’s Football cats” and “Lucy’s Football sex” and “Lucy’s Football Finland” and that’s nice, but who are you and what do you want with me? So after narrowing things down, we’re left with not many search terms or questions this month. I’m cool with that. I’ve got the attention span of a gnat right now, yo.

OK. Are you wondering what search terms brought people to the old Football this month? Of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be? We’re just going to list them all out one by one this month, since there aren’t many of them. Switch things up a little. See how we like that. I don’t usually dig change, but I’m willing to try anything once.

“but fuck finland” Well! That seems rude. What a rude thing to say! I love Finland. One of my favorite humans of all the humans lives in the Finland. Also, Finland has awesome things like delicious chocolates, and reindeer, and the midnight sun, and raccoon dogs, and hedgehogs. Finland is filled with awesomeness. Don’t use naughty words about the land of Finns, yo.

a poem that will make mom not whoop daughter Oh, I think maybe you’re putting too much weight on a poem. If your mom is about to “whoop” you, no poem’s going to make her stop, kiddo. What, she’s going to read “The Road Not Taken” or “A Dream Deferred” and be all, “I shall not hit my child today?” Poetry does a lot of things, but I don’t know that it’ll stop a whoopin’, darlin’. Sorry to tell you.

accidentally posted blowjob video tumblr I can’t even imagine how this accident occurred. Sincerely. I’m so befuddled. Did you think you were uploading a video of a kitten, or something, and WHOOPS THAT’S OUR PERSONAL TIME! OK, first? Don’t record your sexytimes. I know it seems like a good idea (ok, no, no I don’t) but IT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. And second, don’t ACCIDENTALLY POST THAT ON TUMBLR. I don’t use Tumblr much. Can’t you just take that DOWN? I mean, anyone could have uploaded it, and saved it, and is now getting…inspired…by your artistic endeavor…but just take it down. At least MORE people won’t be “inspired” by it, you know?

This is the proper face for when you come across some of the things that are online that shouldn't be. Trust me on this.

This is the proper face for when you come across some of the things that are online that shouldn’t be. Trust me on this.

bdsm marionette picture OMG NO. Come on now. Marionettes are creepy enough as it is. Now you want one all tricked out to, what, spank you or whatever? You’re a sick mammajamma. Go elsewhere for your kicks. The only kicks you’re getting around here are in the bum. And not the saucy kinds, either.  Urgh.

chuggington gangster Is there a gangster on Chuggington? Or are you calling Chuggington a gangster? The Nephew doesn’t watch that show anymore, I don’t think. Strangely, the last time I saw him he kept singing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle song, and he laughed when I told him I saw that movie in the theaters. He laughed harder when I said, “I’m very old, The Nephew.”

Chuggington is very nice, so this was the scariest character I could find, and only because it's a monkey and I hate monkeys.

Chuggington is very nice, so this was the scariest character I could find, and only because it’s a monkey and I hate monkeys.

david busters yolo bears Dude! It isn’t a BEAR, it’s a HAMSTER. And it is AWESOME. Friend K. came over a while back and was all, “Why do you have that…thing…on your table that has a YOLO shirt” and I was all, “K.! IT IS A YOLO HAMSTER!” and she laughed and said “Only you would have a YOLO hamster on your kitchen table, Amy.” Also, it’s Dave and Busters, not David Busters. Come on, now.

Here is MY YOLO hamster! You can be jealous. It's ok.

Here is MY YOLO hamster! You can be jealous. It’s ok.

do you like my eyebrows Yes. I do. I think they’re fantastic. You’re lovely. Don’t ever doubt it, you!

female sounds of ecstasy Oh, honey. No. Just stop. You’re searching for this on the Googles? Don’t even bother, ok? The ones you’re going to find are weird fake porn, anyway. You know who makes realistic sounds of female ecstasy? REAL WOMEN YOU ARE INTIMATING WITH. Check that out sometime. It’s unparalleled.

finns kill reindeers Yeah, I think they do. I know Andreas has mentioned the eating of reindeer meat before. I think it’s a thing there. (It’s probably like hunting deer here, I’d think?) But, not to worry. Santa’s reindeer are fine, I think. They’re not in the land of Finns. They’re at the North Pole. Santa-ing.

This is the happiest reindeer EVER! Don't kill him, Finland!

This is the happiest reindeer EVER! Don’t kill him, Finland!

forehead ecstasy and passion What’s up with all the ecstasy searches this month? I think I blogged about the DRUG Ecstasy once. Are you confused about the difference? And listen, I know we have a lot of erogenous zones, but I don’t know that the forehead is one. If someone was all rubbing and licking my forehead, I think I’d start giggling and tell ‘em to get off. Just my prerogative, though.

grade 12 essay on what is happening to our young people?they disrespect elders,etc I’m not doing your homework for you, kiddo. You need to use your brain, ok? Or it will atrophy and melt out of your ears. Also, what a terrible essay topic. I would argue the opposite of this. I think adults always say this, in every generation, and you, Grade 12er, will say the same thing about kids your age when you an older person. Your teachers should come up with something better. Probably don’t tell them I said that, though, you’ll end up in detention.

hardest sheet music ever EVER? Man, that’s subjective. The answer is, ALL OF IT. Mostly because I can’t read music. But if anyone who does read music wants to chime in, please feel free.

in darkness and secrecy representivity Ha! I don’t know what this means, but I like how it’s phrased. It sounds like something from the code of conduct from a secret club. Are you inviting me into your secret club? I’ll think about it. Thank you, kind searcher!

SPECIAL PEOPLE CLUB! I need to watch this movie again. Like, immediately.

SPECIAL PEOPLE CLUB! I need to watch this movie again. Like, immediately.

morning porn OK. I’m curious. Is morning porn different than afternoon or evening porn? Like, would the naked laydeez be eating waffles, or something? Would you be in a different mood in the morning, porn-wise, than you would be when the sun was higher in the sky? This is all very interesting to me, in kind of a psychological way, honestly. Anyone have any ideas?

passenger singer sounds like speech impediment OMG HE’S BRITISH. It’s not a SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. What would you even think if you went to England? That they ALL have speech impediments? I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry, to be honest. Also, British accents? Sexy as hell. Why are you thinking they have lateral lisps, or something?

Also, he's adorable in a beardy way, right? Right.

Also, he’s adorable in a beardy way, right? Right.

people you may know are they stalking me? or am i stalking them? This is such an existential question. Are THEY stalking YOU? Or are YOU stalking THEM? Well, I can answer this for you, because, as you know, I am apparently the Facebook guru of the internet. (And of the real world, I guess. Two people have contacted me this week in the really real world asking me Facebook questions. I guess I’m more user-friendly than the Facebook help section. I’m ok with that.) NEITHER OF YOU ARE STALKING ANYONE. There was a rumor a while back that the people in the “people you may know” are people who have searched for you; I find no evidence that this is anything more than a rumor, although it may be true, I suppose. I’m just not a huge conspiracy-theorist. No one’s stalking. You all put way too much weight on Facebook. It’s just social media, yo.

the proof is in the pudding bitch RIGHT IN THAT PUDDING! BITCH! This made me snort-laugh. What a thing to say. “How do I know you love me, Charles?” “THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, BITCH!” “Um…what pudding? What does that even mean? Do you love me, or don’t you? Why’d you just call me a bitch?” “Man, that catchphrase really backfired on me, I think.” AND SCENE. (Also, don’t put anything in pudding. Pudding is delicious as-is, and also you might choke someone if you put that proof in that pudding. Wait, is that proof a euphemism? I don’t even want to know.)

upstate ny hunting cabins sale Are you trying to buy my parents’ cabin? It’s not for sale. Don’t touch it. It’s my thinking-place, and my zen-place, and it smells like pine, and I love it there. You can’t have it.

There you have it, internettians. Got it in just under the wire. This month has kind of kicked my ass, so I’m impressed this happened at all. Hi-YA! On to March! Here we go!

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 31)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Well, here we are. End of the month. What, already? I know! January kind of sped right by. I wish the rest of this frozen wasteland of a winter would do the same. Seriously, it’s like we’re paying for some sort of sins right now with this cold. WHY IS IT SO COLD? Good grief. The other morning, after cleaning off my car, WHILE wearing gloves AND a hat, might I add, it took most of the drive to work for my fingers to warm up, and they were all ouchy so I was convinced I had the frostbite. IT IS 2014. I SHOULD NOT BE GETTING THE FROSTBITE IN 2014.

I'm going to be the "I can't get up I CAN'T GET UP!" kid soon, seriously.

I’m going to be the “I can’t get up I CAN’T GET UP!” kid soon, seriously.

However, even though if you go outside you will probably die of cold (my favorite coworker A. said, when he ran out to the convenience store across the street the other day, “ALL THE BLOOD IN MY BODY FROZE THE MINUTE I STEPPED OUTSIDE!” so we keep picking on each other about that whenever we come in from outside. “How’s your blood? So frozen?”) there’s no rest for the wicked. We need to help the lost searchers. I mean, what if we didn’t? Would they just be wandering around all week, sad-faced and lonely and whimpering? I wouldn’t like that. Not even a little.

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi! Where’ve you been?), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 31th one. Whoa, it’s not too much longer that these posts are going to be older than I am. Can you even IMAGINE? If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Um. Community service? Maybe it’s like community service? Sorry, I don’t know. I got nothing.

We’ve got enough search terms and questions for two posts this month, so aren’t we the most jazzed? We TOTALLY are. JAZZ-HANDS! Come on, everyone, let me see your jazz-hands. Not you, Ding Dong Joe, not until you Purell the hell out of them. You’re just filthy, bub.

OMG JAZZ HANDS TURTLE THIS WINS THE INTERNET TODAY!

OMG JAZZ HANDS TURTLE THIS WINS THE INTERNET TODAY!

OK. Are you ready? Hang onto your hats. If you don’t have a hat, go get one; all your heat leaves through your head, you know. Mom said that, so it MUST be true.

Facebook stuff and such

advantages and evils of facebook in our life Ooh, EVILS and ADVANTAGES. Do you think you might be overthinking Facebook? If you don’t like it, don’t use it. If you DO like it, KEEP using it. Don’t worry about it so much. Advantages: keeping in touch with your far-flung loved ones. Evils? I don’t know about EVILS. I mean, there’s pervs, but where aren’t there pervs? People on there are annoying, sometimes, sure – but, guess what. People in real LIFE are annoying, too. Calm down. It’s social media. If you think it’s evil, shut down your account. There. I fixed it.

facebook ruined a generation Hey, I think you and the person above are a LOVE CONNECTION! Yes, people are maybe a little more self-absorbed on Facebook – it lends itself to that, doesn’t it? – but I don’t think it ruined anything. Mostly because I don’t think the generation is ruined. I’m honestly exhausted of all this talk of this generation’s no good, that generation’s no good – they’re FINE. Leave the kids alone. People used to say that about our generations, back in the day. It’ll all work out.

Hey, look, Disney saved a whole lost generation! Impressive, no?

Hey, look, Disney saved a whole lost generation! Impressive, no?

facebook show wrong people you may know ….how to change So…you don’t know the people you may know? WHOA. This is MIND-BLOWING. Why would you want to change it? Seriously. If you want to see people you might want to be friends with? Tip! Click on the “find friends” thing. It’s like “people you may know” only they’re mostly all relevant. (And mostly all people I don’t want to be friends with, but that’s probably just me, I suppose, since I hate most people.)

Is this me? I’m a real-life person, right?

adventures of real life people I am real! I have adventures! I like that this search term brought you right here. All the adventures! I hope you enjoy them. Most of my adventures involve me doing something foolish and/or ridiculous. If you like such things, you’ve come to the right place!

I’m not sure what these mean, but I like them.

ask lucy bad face Is that my new name? Lucy Bad Face? Or do you ask me something, and I MAKE a bad face? I think that should be my gangsta name. Bad Face Lucy. Don’t you mess with Bad Face Lucy! She’ll mess you up but good!

baltimore lil one feel me i’m stupidly I don’t even know, but this makes me happy. Is it song lyrics? I know a lil’ one in Baltimore, and she’s just about my favorite lil’ one. She has a smile that could knock you on your butt, that kiddo. She is glorious.

blah blah blah don’t listen to me love love love the wifi to my love if life’s too my love is the shhh to email this to me to leave do i have something inserted in me where like a receiver retriever what the hell is going on what am i mixed up in by accident of course Yes, this entire sentence showed up in my search results. No, I don’t know why, either. It has many words that lead you here, like shhh and email and probably inserted because sometimes I’m naughty and euphemistic, but mostly I’m wondering, who typed all this into a search engine? And why? To what end? I have to admire this type of fortitude, though. It’s impressive.

Hee!

bitch please i ride a unicorn BITCH PLEASE. I RIDE AN IMAGINARY CREATURE.

Huh. I guess this is a thing, then. Who knew?

Huh. I guess this is a thing, then. Who knew? (It’s “a” unicorn, babe, not “an.” Unless that’s a weird British thing. Is that a weird British thing?)

What? What is this?

kill the trust wallpapers What’s “kill the trust?” Is it a thing? I am the first to admit I don’t know about things. I’m very much out of the loop and old and new memes always pop up and I’m like, “WHAT IS THIS?” and then I usually giggle at people’s ingenuity. So now I have to search for “kill the trust.” Nope, not a thing, so I’m just as lost as I always, but I did find this, so not all is lost. Thanks, internet!

I don’t think they are.

buffalo ny people are rude I know a number of Buffalo people (what are they? Buffalonians? No idea) and they’re nice as can be. I have no issues with the people from Buffalo. I was in Buffalo twice – once for a visit, once driving through – and the only complaint I have is that the time I was driving through I got crazy lost, but that was my fault, not Buffalo’s. (I am TERRIBLE at maps, and this was pre-GPS times, and it wasn’t easy to read a map and drive alone at the same time. However, I made it across the country this way, all alone, like an intrepid pioneer. I’m still proud about this. Young Amy rocked, sincerely.)

Crafty!

homemade lite brite with cups I was curious about this, but apparently it’s a whole THING. Like, you need a light table and a bunch of cups. I don’t want to make one or anything. I would, however, like a Lite Brite. Remember how much fun those were? I always wanted one, but the only cool toys that everyone else had that my family had were a Rubik’s Cube, a Simon (OH, how I loved that Simon!) and a Cabbage Patch Kid. (Mine was a redhead with braids and her name was Janet. She was the best.)

Only the coolest kids had these. I was not the coolest, sadly.

Only the coolest kids had these. I was not the coolest, sadly.

Naughty!

hot college swim team yay sex OMG! Yay, sex! Yeah, I’m down with that. Yay, sex. And yay, swimmers. I loved a swimmer once. They are hot. I can’t deny that. But this search term is a little less hot. The team’s not all popping out of the water and getting it on in the locker room, you guys. Stop that.

how wild people sex Ha! This made me laugh so hard. How wild people sex? Do you want, like, a manual? And it could go different ways. Like, how WILD people sex, or how wild PEOPLE sex. This is a little conundrum, this one. Also, no idea how it got you here. I don’t know that I have an answer for you, either. How wild people sex? I would assume pretty wild, but not SO wild, maybe?

litotica nothing but the but t Nothing but the but! t! That space there makes this for me. I was all over giggles about this. People search a lot here for literotica. What’s funny is, I’ve never blogged about it, that I know of, and the only mention of it is in these search terms. It’s like a snake eating its own tail. (Also, this is “litotica” which is kind of funny and poorly-spelled.)

literotica mom and son alone in storm EW EW EW NO. I think that mom and son would NOT GET UP TO NAUGHTYTIMES. Seriously, just when I think people can’t weird me out more, things like this happen. Although the storm was a creative little touch. Adds some urgency to this incestuous mess.

sex, women wee wee inadvertently If you can’t say “urinate” you can’t have sex. I just made this rule and I stand by it. Also, it’s called female ejaculation, and it’s not urine, you troglodyte.

sextoysyo dot com SEXTOYSYO! Listen, if I ever need to purchase some sex toys, I’m so buying them here. It’s like this site is made for me.

sexy zebra sleep room Sexy zebra? Like, is the zebra wearing a peignoir? This is very strange. I know some people think animal prints are sexy. I find them to be trying too hard. You know what’s sexy? NOT TRYING TOO HARD.

SEXY ZEBRA! Does it worry you that this is actually a thing? Worries me, a little.

SEXY ZEBRA! Does it worry you that this is actually a thing? Worries me, a little.

Well! I am…pleased for you?

i am so busy doing nothing I am never busy doing nothing. I wish I was. I’m terrible at it. I want to do nothing, and then I realize I need to blog, or email, or a million other things. I am busy multitasking, for the most part. That’s usually what I’m busy doing.

Methinks the searcher doth protest too much

im not interested in love People say this a lot, but I’ve yet to meet someone who really means it. If love showed up for someone who’s said such a thing, they’d accept it. It’s easy to say you’re not interested in it, especially when it seems everyone has it but you, but it’s a very human thing, to want love, to want to give love in return. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign you have a heartbeat. Embrace it, darling.

Yeah, sometimes, I suppose.

life plays a cruel game It does seem like this, doesn’t it? Life is sometimes terrible. And it sometimes seems like it’s all out to get you. We’ve all had those days (hell, or weeks, or months) where it seems like everything’s piling up against you. But life’s not playing a cruel game. It’s just the way things are. There are highs and lows, and your high will come. Promise. Life swings around. That’s one of the things I’ve learned over the years: things tend to balance out, eventually. Just stick to it.

Oh, well this is appetizing.

log bologna meat Nothing I like more than calling my food a log. YUM.

I beg to differ.

no such thing as too much tequila Oh, yes there is. There SO is. Also, a tequila hangover is a bad one. I’m unfortunately one of those people who can rate hangovers by the alcohol consumed, and a tequila hangover’s not quite as bad as a champagne hangover (that one rated the worst ever in my book) but it’s nasty. It’s a nasty, greasy, disgusting hangover and you’re all “NEVER AGAIN” until the siren song of MORE TEQUILA happens. Take this from someone who used to be in a very serious relationship with José Cuervo, please. He’s a terribly abusive boyfriend.

See? Even this weird old band knows about this.

See? Even this weird old band knows about this.

Aw! This is flattering!

please write me a notification for my birth day I don’t know you, or when your birthday is, or I’d do this. I love birthdays. And I love that you wanted me to remember you on it. Pretend I did, ok? BEEP BEEP IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY! HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO YOU, STRANGER!

All of them? I think all of them.

plus womens department stores that will sell to crossdressers You’re not going to find too many stores that turn away business. I suppose really snotty stores might go all Pretty Woman on you and sneer, but mostly, the point of stores is, they want you to spend your money there, because it’s how they stay in business. And listen, when I worked at the plus sized clothing store in college, I LOVED when men would come in and shop. They were so nice, and would model things for me and we’d talk and chat and laugh and I always looked forward to them coming in. So I suppose if larger stores are snotty, go to smaller ones? I’d also assume stores in larger cities would be more accepting than stores in smaller towns, but that’s just a guess.

Are you hinting that Dumbcat should have his own blog?

siamese lynx point blog Sometimes Dumbcat guest blogs here, but he could never keep up his own blog. He’s too busy sleeping, licking himself, eating treats, and making weird meows because he misses me when I leave for five seconds and he hasn’t seen me. I think this might be as CLOSE to a Siamese Lynx Point blog as you’ll find, though. What a claim to fame! I’m really pleased by this.

Whew! There you go, January, I kicked YOUR butt all over town. In celebration, here is the best thing on the internet today.

LOWL! I want to hug this owl, providing he didn't peck out my eyes.

LOWL! I want to hug this owl, providing he didn’t peck out my eyes.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 30)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Howdy, people of the glorious interwebs! Here we are. Almost Christmas. People all running around buying last-minute presents and baking things and getting together with loved ones and such. My parents were supposed to come and visit this weekend, but could not; massive ice storm in the northern part of the state. No one allowed on the roads. If my dad isn’t willing to drive, you KNOW it’s bad, because he’s like the king of “whatever, this is NOTHING.” However, before sadness happens, please know I am just so spoiled that Dad’s coming down on Christmas Eve for lunch and the exchanging of gifts. He’s kind of the best, isn’t he?

I don't think it'll be THIS bad. But maybe. It's happened before up there.

I don’t think it’ll be THIS bad. But maybe. It’s happened before up there.

But! Even though we’re all busy with holidays and winter and such, we cannot forget it is time for our monthly check-in with people who accidentally got to the old Football in error and are wandering around here all big-eyed and lost and all “Momma? What’s happening here? WHERE AM I?”

So, just in case you’re new (and if so, hi hi hi!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 30th one. Thirty, can you even imagine? This is all very exciting. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Not 100% sure, to tell you the truth. Entertains me, I suppose. You take your entertainment where you can find it, whether it’s trolling your own search terms or watching hours of terrible television, you know?

This month, I had very few search terms OR questions, which is my own fault for not blogging so much. I’m not even going to apologize. It’s been a busy month and I needed the downtime. However, that means I can squish both the question post and the stats post into ONE BIG POST! Aren’t you so excited? Sure you are, don’t even front.

Ready, Freddie? FINE, maybe your name’s not Freddie, just roll with it.

Agreed.

“i despise woody allen” Me, too. I know. I KNOW. People seem to love or hate Woody Allen; I can’t get into his movies. I know they’re supposed to be so intelligent and such. I’ve seen three of them; one made me laugh a little, and the other two seemed a year long and really whiny. I couldn’t do it. I have no interest in seeing any others, even though one of my most intelligent and cultured friends tells me I really should give them another chance.

This movie made me so annoyed that I'm pretty sure it preciptated the guy I was crushing on at the time to never want to go out with me again. Sorry, guy. We were not meant to be, I guess. You were a really good kisser, though.

This movie made me so annoyed that I’m pretty sure it precipitated the guy I was crushing on at the time to never want to go out with me again. Sorry, guy. We were not meant to be, I guess. You were a really good kisser, though.

i love my nephews images OMG, who DOESN’T? My little guy is the most photogenic. Luckily, his mom thinks so, too, and sends me all the photos of him and they just make me grin and grin. And I get to see him on Christmas day! I am hoping I’ll get some photos of him but whenever we hang out I’m just enjoying my time and I never take out my camera. I only regret that when I get home. At the time, I’m just so wrapped in the joy that is The Nephew I regret nothing.

there are a lot of things make me laugh Well, damn, I know, right? I laugh all day LONG. At, like, EVERYTHING. I think that’s a key to staying young, to be honest. If you’re always able to find things that make you laugh, you’re not going to get all old and closed-off and grumpy. I think you should laugh and laugh all the time. Go ahead, laugh at something, seriously. It’s like drugs, only there are no ill effects.

Confusing, but ok…

“king moonracer” badass  I don’t know that King Moonracer was a badass as much as a weird lion with wings that was keeping all the Misfit Toys hostage on an island, but I guess if you want to think of him as a badass, that’s your prerogative. I just find it odd that these poor toys are lorded over by a winged lion. LIONS DON’T HAVE WINGS.

He looks as confused as I am about why he has wings, doesn't he?

He looks as confused as I am about why he has wings, doesn’t he?

Naughtiness!

boyfriend penis “hang a towel”    WHOA NELLY. You guys totally stepped up the naughty this month. HANG A TOWEL! Well! I guess congratulations are in order? Not only do you have a well-hung manfriend, you have a towel rack! You know, in case yours is destroyed in a fire or something, I don’t know.

grandma have hot sex with her great dog and kaviar Great dog! And kaviar! Is kaviar a euphemism? Or is it just caviar spelled wrong? Also, stop talking about grandmas like this. I have a grandma, and she had sex with my grandfather FOUR TIMES and I’m sure it was VERY PROPER and produced FOUR BABIES and THAT IS ALL. Sorry, grandma. Cover your eyes. Don’t read this part. Oh, wait, she doesn’t read the interwebs because she says it can give you “the AIDS” so we’re safe.

having sex with roxxxy sex doll i wanna test Well, I don’t know that they’re “gonna” let you test. That thing is EXPENSIVE. You’re “gonna” get it all messy with your fluids. You’re “gonna” have to buy one yourself, sonny Jim. Sorry about that.

lucy pulling away football symbolism of sex OMG. Is it? WHY DIDN’T YOU PEOPLE TELL ME IT WAS A SYMBOLISM OF SEX? Wait, no it isn’t. Is it? SOMEONE TELL ME RIGHT NOW. Because if it IS, how tricky have *I* been all this time not even thinking of that? Good gracious. What would it be a symbolism of, like, cockteasing? I don’t even know.

my bully: i hate you, i love you (gay sex literotica) This is kind of the worst gay literotica ever. No one should have sex with their bullies. Bullies don’t deserve sex. Not unless they stop bullying, because bullying is the worst. Don’t reward bullying with all the hot sexifying, yo. Although, kudos for the creative title. Nice use of a colon. That is not a euphemism.

This is the place for euphemisms, my friend.

euphemism candy bar Oh, candy bars are ALL ABOUT EUPHEMISM. There are Mounds and Payday and Butterfinger and Special Dark and if you like euphemism (and we totally do around here) those are all things you can work with. However, if you’re especially skilled in euphemism? ANYTHING can be a euphemism. Up to, and including, a boring old Hershey Bar. Seriously. It all depends on how you use it in a sentence. And how you say it. You’re welcome, world!

Don't you even tell me this isn't a euphemism, you big hunk.

Don’t you even tell me this isn’t a euphemism, you big hunk.

I’m…sorry?

every little thing you do is driving me insane Yeah, I get that a lot. Sorry. Someday the technology will exist to put me on mute, I suppose, or to connect my brain and my mouth. I’ll let you know when that happens. Until then, please accept my most abject apologies for how annoying I can be.

i know she’s have big mouth She’s does! She’s DOES have a big mouth! And she’s doesn’t know how to close it sometimes and says REALLY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS! (Again, sorry. See the above answer.)

i lost my watch Oh, well that sucks. I guess buy a new one? I’m actually shopping for a new one right now, because mine won’t keep time anymore, even with a new battery. It’s ok. It’s been a good run. I think I’ve had this thing for almost ten years. But buying a new watch is VERY SRS BSNS for me, and I’ll be shopping for months until I find just the right one. I take things way too seriously. So, in summation: sorry about your watch, dude/dudette. Seems like an odd thing to search Google for, though. Did you think Google would know where it was?

you make me rude Well, THAT’s a new one. I make you rude? I don’t know if I’ve ever gotten THAT one before. That’s kind of a coup, isn’t it? Somehow, I made someone else be rude! Well, I’m kind of rude, at times, but I’m not TRYING to be rude, it’s mostly bluntness and the aforementioned brain/mouth disconnect…so I guess I’m sorry that rubbed off on you? That’s probably not a euphemism?

More Facebook. This place is all Facebook, all the time, yo.

facebook friendship request letter You don’t need a letter. Just hit the “request friend” button. No one wants your letter. Seriously. They won’t even bother reading it. People don’t care. They just accept you or decline you and move on, jellybean. Stop overthinking.

facebook i don’t like who you think i might know an want to friend request them This is one convoluted search term. You don’t like the “people you may know” but you want to friend request them? Am I misunderstanding? So weird. I guess…um…friend those enemies? FRIEND ‘EM GOOD. I don’t even know, darlin’, I totally don’t.

fb all the lonely people WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM WHERE DOOOO THEY ALL BELONGGGGGG

Are we kindred spirits in terrible television?

hanging in ravonwood OK, I assume you’re taking about Ravenswood? That Pretty Little Liars spinoff? Listen. I AM OBSESSED WITH TERRIBLE TELEVISION. Yes. I watch BOTH Pretty Little Liars AND Ravenswood. I DON’T KNOW WHY EITHER. They’re kind of foolish and totally mindless. I like that about them, I think. I can turn my brain off when I watch those. Also, I like the clothes. I mean, I’d never try to wear them, but I like to look at them and think, “those are fun. I wish I was fun. Whoa, Aria, those earrings are too big, you’d get those all caught in your hair.” Now you know: I like dumb television. I also like intelligent television, but there’s far less of that on than you’d think.

Yes, it's as cheesy as this photo suggests. Totally is.

Yes, it’s as cheesy as this photo suggests. Totally is.

Confusing…

i peed all prize Oh. Ok. Um…congrats? I don’t know what this means? But it kind of made me giggle. “MOM! I PEED ALL PRIZE!”

Ah. Nice choice, grasshopper.

jason lee young Young Jason Lee = handsomeness times a million. (I even think Jason Lee NOW is ok. It’s the eyes and the sense of humor, I think. However, the crazy religious nonsense can stop, because it makes me nervous. Who’s he think he is, Tom Cruise?) You can’t have young Jason Lee, though, because he’s mine. I called him. Back in 1997. He’s been one of my top movie boyfriends for sixteen years. That’s a COMMITMENT, yo. So hands off.

*swoon*

*swoon*

Oh, I’m a plethora of info here, my friend. PLETHORA!

soap stores Did you know I am obsessed with soap? No, not like I have OCD and always want to be clean, or anything. I just really, really like nice soap. I don’t care about shower gel. I like really fancy, really moisturizing, smells-really-good bar soap. It’s one of my luxuries. I have three: soap, nail polish, and makeup. They’re my only girlinesses. I’m allowed. ANYWAY. Real soap stores? I recommend LUSH; you can walk into a store, if you live near one, or shop online if you don’t. Online stores – I’ve been using the Soap Box Company lately, because there are a million things for sale, the prices are good, there are often sales, and they put lots of extras in your packages. I also love Wylde Ivy and Indigo Wild, and at the drugstore, if I don’t have anything in my house, I’ll pick up Yardley London soap – I like the Almond or the Rose scents. No, none of these places are paying me; I just love them. Yeah, someday we’ll talk about nail polish. I’m just as obnoxious about that, as well. (Also, I am VERY easy to shop for. Soap or sparkly nailpolish. Seriously. Muy bueno.)

A LUSH store is sincerely trouble on my credit card. SO MANY PRETTY THINGS.

A LUSH store is sincerely trouble on my credit card. SO MANY PRETTY THINGS.

I’m glad! My work here is done!

you make me smile like a moron I LOVE THAT! It’s my goal in LIFE. Grin like a moron, bub. All day long. I love it.

Questions!

is the narcissistic generation evil What the hell is the narcissistic generation? I had to look this up. Apparently, it’s millenials. I think this is mean. They’re kids. Weren’t we ALL narcissistic when we were kids? No. They’re no more evil than we were at that age. Some are worse than others, JUST LIKE WE WERE. Kids are kids. Adults are adults. Stop putting people in boxes, jerky. You’re welcome.

love this time christmas time why do we miss our loved ones at this time Why do we miss our loved ones at Christmastime? Well, I miss my loved ones that are gone ALL the time, but especially at Christmas, because I’d like one last Christmas with them. Or, to be honest, a whole bunch more Christmases with them. Wouldn’t anyone? My grandmother was the BEST at Christmas. She brought all of us together and made us all feel so loved and every year since she’s passed Christmas has seemed very empty and it’s been sixteen years, dammit. So, yeah, sure, we miss our loved ones at the holidays. And all the time. Don’t we? Happy holidays. And you’re welcome.

why my friend thinks everyone is homophobic Good grief, I don’t know. Tell your friend that not everyone’s homophobic. Are there a lot of homophobes? Sure. But there are just as many non-homophobes, and more every day. People are becoming more accepting all the time, and it makes me so happy to see it. When I was in high school, the gay kids couldn’t even come out; now, there are actual clubs for the gay students, and they can walk through the halls (in some schools; I don’t know your school, kids, don’t try this and get hurt) holding hands like any other couple and I went to see a school play about five years ago and saw that and I seriously had a teary “how far we’ve come” moment. Tell your friend the world’s not that bad, and he needs to be the change he (maybe it’s a she, I don’t know) wants to see in the world, you know? You’re welcome, slappy.

one who insults too much is called what? An asshole? Insecure? Trying too hard to be funny and/or cutting edge? Extremely negative and therefore not worthy of being in your life because they’ll just bring you so far down you’re constantly in a dark mood when you have to deal with them? I don’t know that there’s a word for it, honestly. Sorry. I wish I could say you’re welcome but I wasn’t helpful.

what does it mean when someone writes dun dun dunnnn It’s SUSPENSE, baby! Dun dun dunnnnnn. Like in an old movie when something bad’s about to happen. Or a cartoon. DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Here, I’ll use it for you. You’re…dun dun dunnnn…welcome!

what is a good response “i can’t stand you” Walk away? Laugh? Say “ZOMG NO MY HEART SHE IS BROKEN HOW CAN I SURVIVE NOW?” If someone says “I can’t stand you,” and they’re not saying it in a loving, joking, sarcastic way, then screw ‘em, babe. Not worth a single thought. Not worth any time. Find someone who CAN stand you. You’re welcome. You deserve better.

what to do when wild duck walks into yard I would laugh, and cheer, and grab my camera, probably. I love ducks. Even though Andreas told me once they were rapists of the natural world and I was all “ANDREAS! ZOMG!” and laughed so hard that he would say something like that and I was so happy I knew someone that was comfortable telling me ducks were the rapists of the natural world as my friend because that is a very serious sciency thing but also just so randomly awesome? Don’t be mean to the wild duck, to get back on track. The wild duck will not hurt you. It’s not like it’s a goose. Geese are MEAN. Just leave the duck alone. It’ll leave eventually. Or not. Maybe it lives there now! How lucky would that make you? You’re welcome! Say hi to your duck friend for me! I recommend you name him Jasper.

Hi! I'm in your yard! Call me Jasper!

Hi! I’m in your yard! Call me Jasper!

Whew! That’s a lot of words. My brain hurts.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 29)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Yo, interwebs! Here we are. End of the month, search terms ahoy. Hope you’re all doing well and getting ready for the holidays and such. Here, it’s getting cold and colder and there was actually snow the other night and I almost slid off the road because I was all “la la la IT’S NOT SLIPPERY! and it totally was and then I was like WHOA! but I’m totally ok. I just need to stop driving like a moron, is all.

Oh, this totally looks like something I'd do, doesn't it?

Oh, this totally looks like something I’d do, doesn’t it?

So, just in case you’re new (and if you’re new, well! Howdy and such! Glad you’re here!), let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 29th one. I remember being 29. I was all worried about turning 30. Little did I know that my 30s would be AWESOME. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Well, let me tell you: I do a lot of things with very little planning and/or forethought. Sometimes they turn out swell. Sometimes I end up with a whole crate of quilting materials and realize I can’t sew. You win some, you lose some, you know?

Again, we had more questions than search terms this month. This leads me to believe people have caught on to how amazing I am at answering your questions, and it’s like I’m Dear Abby, only Dear Amy, and I’m a lot less thoughtful and a lot more blunt. I’m down with that, yo.

And here we go! All search terms, all the time! Fine, NOT all the time. Just today. Sheesh.

Ha!

amateur jeggings  So, not like PROFESSIONAL jeggings, then. Would amateur jeggings be unattractive? Oh, shit. Wait. ALL JEGGINGS ARE UNATTRACTIVE. That’s what you get when you turn DENIM into LEGGINGS.

I'm going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

I’m going to go ahead and say the pink shiny pair are pretty amateur.

lane bryant open tip bra what the hell’s an “open tip bra”? All I can either a nursing bra or something pervy. Neither of which are sold at Lane Bryant. So what’s going on here?

my cat smells like banana Huh! Mine smells like…well, nothing. Fur, I guess. One time he smelled like popcorn, and my roommate and I thought that was hilarious because bearcats smell like popcorn and sometimes we called him Bearcat because he used to stomp around like a little mad bear cub. If your cat smells like banana either he got into some bananas or has some sort of tropical disease. Please note: I made that up. Your cat doesn’t have a tropical disease. Probably.

I know all about these!

lil abner most unloved unnecessary This is from a terrible musical named L’il Abner I was in when I was in high school. I was the whore. No, seriously. My name was Appassionata and my role was to be seductive and show my boobs all around the town. It was QUITE an impressive acting feat and really did nothing more than make this sophomore kid get all wild-eyed whenever I came out in my costume and say things like “humna humna we oughta hang out sometime.” This is a line from one of the songs in the show where they’re talking about their town being the most unloved, unneccessary place on the earth. It’s oddly a very upbeat number. Like I said: terrible musical.

Here's the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

Here’s the chick that played my part in the movie. Want her full name? Appassionata Von Climax. VERY appropriate musical for teenagers, right? Right.

sinus that’s really a pip meaning THIS is from one of my favorite songs in Guys and Dolls where the showgirl is singing about how if she doesn’t get married she’s going to keep getting sick because she read a medical study that if you keep putting off your engagement you’re more likely to catch the flu. Yeah, described like that, it doesn’t sound so awesome, but trust me, it is. She says “sinus that’s really a pip” and I think it just means a really bad sinus infection because it needs to rhyme with “post-nasal drip.” Don’t read too much into it.

what does and the turtles, of course… all the turtles are free as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be mean This is from Yertle the Turtle and it’s at the end when Mack the most beleaguered turtle burps and knocks mean old Yertle into the mud and the other turtles are free to be turtley and do turtle-like things again. It’s all a metaphor for power and the people you step on to get to power, and what happens when you fall from power; the turtles (and animals) are the people that should be free. Did I just do your homework for you, little searcher? Probably. I probably did. Dammit, you’re tricky.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

Yertle is bad news, you guys.

what does it mean to hang out with the right cohorts And finally, this is a quote from the song “Popular” from Wicked. I think probably you just don’t know what “cohorts” means. It just means your peeps. And not the marshmallow kind. Your cohorts are the people you hang out with.

Facebook! Again!

50 annoying facebook people you may know Whoa, FIFTY annoying people! I usually just don’t know the people, and there are like five of them, but you know FIFTY and you’re annoyed by them ALL? You seem really impressive and fun to be around.

how to open people facebook  Open…other people’s Facebook? I don’t think you can. Or at least, I don’t think you SHOULD. I mean, if they leave it open and leave the room, you could snoop, I suppose. I know someone who did that and found out his ladyfriend was two-timing him which was Bad News Bears. But as for opening other people’s Facebook pages – yeah, don’t do that, Nosy McGurk.

if you unfriend someone on facebook how long will it take for them to show up in the list of people you may know I don’t know that’s ever happened to me, but I know it’s happened to others, so I guess it just depends? I don’t know if there’s any way to tell. And why do you care? You UNFRIENDED them. It doesn’t MATTER.

Hmm. I don’t know what…

al-be-ker-koo If you’re trying to spell out Albuquerque (or sound it out, I suppose) you’re totally doing it wrong. Albekerkoo? Yeah, don’t go there and say that. They will snicker. Seriously. Al-buh-ker-key. You’re welcome.

It has? Shit.

christmas has been cancelled But I already wrote all my CARDS and bought about half of my PRESENTS, dammit!!! Someone needs to be in charge of telling me these things SOONER than this!

Do you. Huh. Isn’t THAT something.

i get horny in my swimwear That seems oddly specific and weird, and must be awkward when you go to the beach. I’m thinking you might want to avoid swimwear? For the good of, like, everyone.

Oh! Well, thanks!

it’s ok to have feelings That’s so nice! I’m so glad to have your approval. Because I have a LOT of feelings. Sometimes I squash ‘em down in my stomach-area but sometimes I let ‘em fly and then WHOO DOGGIES. Can’t help it. But with your permission, I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

I’m sorry, I guess? Sometimes it’s best.

i’ve got to let him go Yeah, I’ve been there. Your head’s all “I have GOT to get over this shit” and your heart’s all “BUT I CANNOT BECAUSE OF THE LOVING HIM” and it’s like this cage match going on IN YOUR OWN DAMN BODY. Sometimes letting go is best; sometimes you are utterly incapable; sometimes you cry in your bed a lot. It’s all tough. I’m sorry. I hate that feeling. I sincerely do. I wish I could give you a hug and a cookie.

Whoa. That’s harsh.

lady called my son a bitch Called your SON a bitch? Well, first, that’s kind of a gender-specific insult, so she must have sounded like a dummy. Second: what kind of person calls your son names? I hope you got him away from that crazyperson. And possibly reported her to the correct authorities. I’m sorry. Tell your son he’s awesome for me.

Science facts!

ladybugs don’t bite Are you sure? Let’s investigate. WRONG! They DO bite, but only when they are needing salt. Huh. And apparently it doesn’t bother you, unless you are allergic to ladybugs. So sometimes ladybugs are totally vicious killers. This is good to know. Look out for those cute little things! Because POSSIBLE DEATH.

VICIOUS KILLER BUG!

VICIOUS KILLER BUG!

Why you stalkin’ Dumbcat, yo?

lynx point siamese polydactyl Listen, you can’t have Dumbcat. He’s MINE. He’s my handsome boy. Go find your own Lynx point Siamese polydactyl. If you try to take my good warm cuddly fella I will totally fight back and I’m really vicious. Like those damn ladybugs.

This sounds like code. Is this code?

mistakes were made out of the loop Ooh! Out of the loop, huh? MISTAKES WERE MADE!

weirdness had a crush on my cousin I’m totally going to nickname the next person who I can’t explain “Weirdness.” And listen, I run across a LOT of people like that in my life. More than is normal, actually. I’m a weirdness magnet. I just hope they don’t have a crush on my cousin. Or ANY of my cousins, actually.

Hallmark should hire you!

sorry your ex is such an asshole I would buy this card in bulk. I think you’ve found your calling, my friend.

There! All the search terms. Hoping for the questions tomorrow, if I can get the post written. Lots going on chez Amy and Dumbcat at the moment; we do what we can.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


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