Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Here we are in April! The buds are on the trees and there are even some leaves and my car is covered in pollen and I am sneezing NONSTOP. Happy spring and happy spring allergies! Ah-choo! Also my eyes are itchy and I am so snuffly. But, spring, you know? It’s kind of a hard choice since I love the weather so much. So I use my nasal spray and foray out into the beautiful weather. It’s my favorite.
I know things have been wonky this month and we had the QUESTIONS before the SEARCH TERMS but sometimes that’s the way I roll. Like a covered wagon full of things like pots and pans and haunches of beef. But here we are, just in under the wire, on the very last day of the month. I didn’t let you down! I win!
So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-second one. That’s a lot of search terms, and also I’ve been blogging for a very long time, apparently. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Eh, you know. Because it’s more fun than going for a jog, I guess? Also, more fun than cleaning the bathroom. Or yodeling.
Oh, dude, this guys LOVES to yodel. LOVES IT.
So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. I hope you like everyone in your group, but you might not. That’s the nature of groups. Please try not to start fights with your fellow group members. It makes things awkward, you know? Then you’ll just run into that person all the time, like at the breakfast buffet, and you’ll have to avert your eyes, and you’ll get that weird tense stomach-feeling, so just don’t fight with your group members. If they get annoying, think of something nice to help you get by. Kittens. Rainbows. Lasers. Pom-poms. You know. Things like that.
Also, there aren’t as many this month, which is sad, as well as good, because I haven’t been sleeping, and if I can get this done, I can go to bed. That will be nice, won’t it? Yes. Yes, it will. And I only have one more day of work this week! Then SIX DAYS OFF!
Category the First: I’m…sorry? I think?
my pan pipes arent working
the person who is usually at the top of my ‘people you may know’ list on facebook has disappeared
I found your pan pipes! This adorable little mouse has them!
I would think if your pan pipes weren’t working, you’d be glad about that. Unless you’re Zamfir, I suppose. If you’re Zamfir, you kind of make your living groovin’ on the pan pipe. And who cares if the top person on your “people you may know” is missing? Mine change every time the page refreshes. Don’t everyone’s? That can’t be just me. I don’t think that person disappearing means there’s some sort of conspiracy or that person has died. It just means the page refreshed. Take a deep breath. All is well, merry sunshine.
Category the Second: I don’t think that’s a thing.
the ninja aka hiv
Is HIV being called “the ninja” now? I mean, I don’t know all the slang in the land, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I feel like I would have heard that somewhere or something, wouldn’t I? I’ve heard SOME of the slang. I’m not SO old. Like, I know about YOLO. I don’t LIKE it, but I’ve HEARD it. You can’t live on the internet and not know SOME of the slang. So I’m calling shenanigans on this slang, and I will quote Mean Girls to you now.
Category the Third: Weirdest porn search ever.
literotica—watching animals mate on grans farm
I think there’s a site CALLED Literotica, and I don’t have an issue with that. Well-written literotica is a nice thing. (TERRIBLE literotica, and I am looking at you, 50 Shades, is NOT a nice thing in the LEAST.) But someone wanted literotica about animals mating on their grandmother’s farm? Is that sexy? YES, I understand, everyone has their thing. But is watching animals get busy the hottest? I don’t get it. Plus, do NOT do a porn search with your grandmother’s name in it. GROOOOOSS.
Category the Fourth: Well, aren’t YOU judgey.
weirdos wear transition lenses
RUDE! Not ALL people with Transition lenses are weirdos. Andreas wears them and he is one of the finest people on the whole planet and not at all a weirdo. And SOME of us who wear them just haven’t gotten around to going to the eye doctor and getting another eye exam and getting new glasses even though they have good insurance now but plan on doing it next month, ok? Sheesh.
Category the Fifth: Ha!
amy’s dad didn’t like muffins
caught wearing slouch socks
ghosts on the ceiling
never trust man named after town
nightmares and my ex’s picture stuck on “people you may know” list when i log into facebook. not quite in that order
she may not look like much, but she’s got the cheese where it counts, kid
stats on how many people accidentally see porn
How do you know my dad doesn’t like muffins? I don’t think he dislikes muffins. I mean, I don’t have any super-awesome memories of my dad scarfing all the muffins, but he didn’t, like, throw the muffins at my mom if she ever made them or anything, either. No muffin-hate with Amy’s Dad. Promise.
Hee, “caught” wearing slouch socks. Like it’s a crime. I was caught wearing slouch socks a lot in the 80s. Often with stirrup pants and high-top sneakers. I WAS PRETTY!
OMG, ghosts on the ceiling. I’m pretty sure this is a misheard lyric of that “gold on the ceiling” Black Keys song. I say that because when I first heard it I thought it was “goat on the ceiling” and I laughed and laughed at the mental image of a goat on the ceiling until I found out it was gold and then I got bored.
Goat is better than gold, Black Keys. Why didn’t you consult with me?
Hmm. We can’t trust a man named after a town. Why is that, exactly? Like, does his name make him suspect? Do we think he has an elevated sense of grandeur? This makes me laugh. Also, I don’t know if I know any men named after towns, and the only woman I can think of named after a town is Dallas Howard, and it’s not like we’re BFFs. I just feel kind of bad for her because who would want the whole world knowing your parents named you after the town where they boinked and you were the result, you know?
I like the wording of the next one. “Not quite in that order.” Are you having nightmares about Facebook? If so, you’re taking it too seriously. It’s just Facebook, jellybean. Block him from your people you may know and forget it.
Even me, who doesn’t like Star Wars, knows that’s a Han Solo quote. But where the hell does the cheese part of it come in? And I’d like that written on my tombstone when I die, please. I’d like to be remembered for having cheese where it counted.
“Accidentally” seeing porn? I think a lot of people SAY they accidentally see porn, but I don’t know that too many people DO accidentally see porn. I think it’s mostly on purpose. It’s what the internet is for, after all. Porn and kitten GIFs. Well, I guess I do, sometimes, accidentally see porn. I take that back. Because once and a while, Google image search is weird? And I’ll do a search for something like “shoehorns” and then there will be a full-on photo of people boning. I worry children are seeing these things and running to their parents all “MOM? IS THIS A SHOEHORN?”
Category the Sixth: Hmm.
beautiful oldmen’s penis
“oldmen’s” being all one word makes me laugh, and this search is oddly specific and I think will also make oldmen happy, so I guess it’s equal parts pervy and joyous. As most things on the internet seem to be.
Category the Seventh: Sigh. No. Not sexy pillowfights, either.
girls shirt accidentally comes open porn
Shirts don’t often accidentally come open; women don’t spontaneously burst their buttons very often. Sorry to break it to you. Also, we don’t have naughty pillowfights and we don’t walk around naked and chatting about girly-things in the locker room and we don’t practice a lot of kissing on each other. Life isn’t often a porn. Or even a movie. Life is quite often very mundane, unless you work very hard to get some magic in there. MAGIC, I said. Not porn. There’s a difference.
Category the Ninth: Yep. I know.
and again, today i didnt sleep
I have been having severe sleep issues for about a week now. I feel like I’m sleepwalking through mud lately. I’m hoping eventually my body will give up and I’ll just crash out for a full night. We’ll see what happens. I’m not sure if I have too much on my mind or too many worries or too many memories are attempting to have a chat with me the minute I put my head on my pillow or what exactly is happening but it can totally cut it right the hell out now, please. I want to sleep. Soundly. Just once. Thanks.
Category the Tenth: Fun with foreign searchers!
ลิงหางยาว ตัวเมีย
I don’t like this face. It scares me. MONKEYS ARE SCARY TO ME YOU GUYSSSS
This means “long tailed female macaque.” Which is a monkey. And I hate monkeys. But oh, do I like it when I get fancy foreign searchers. I feel very continental and want to wear a beret and talk with an accent.
Category the Eleventh: Nah, that’s just the spring breeze. Here’s a sweater, you’ll be fine.
you’re too cool for me now
Oh, darlin’. I could be in a deep freeze for a year and wouldn’t be too cool for anyone. I’m like the opposite of cool. I’m sweaty and out of sorts. Like, all the time. No one thinks I’m cool. Promise. PINKY SWEAR. We good? Good.
See? Not so many this month. But that means I have about an hour before I even have to get ready for bed, which is nice. Wish me sleepy-vibes. If I don’t get a good night’s sleep soon, I might DIE. Fine, I’m exaggerating. But I’m about to get totally cranky. Oh, also, I’m going to see Les Miserables tonight and for Mexican, so yay, theater and food!
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
Love, Me.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)
