Category Archives: busy

The doing of all the things

Yo, people, s’up. I have been doing a million billion things, and have been attempting to put together a coherent post, but my brain’s not cooperating. So instead, I’ll give you a recap of what’s up around the old Lucy’s Football homestead, which might be interesting to…I don’t know, no one? Maybe no one. But it’s about all I can do, sadly; larger topics and/or themes seem beyond me at the moment.

I went on a my first internetty date. I am not going to go into detail, because that seems rude. Let’s just say that we weren’t a match, and that seeing one another will not be repeated. But, in more cheerful news: I now know I am capable of going on a date, like a normal human being, and carry on what is mostly a normal human conversation, and eat food without spilling it all over my top. All of this without dying of an anxiety attack. So, although it was far from a win romantically, it was a win personally. Will I be attempting this again? Um. Let’s just say that’s up in the air for the moment? There might be more craziness out there in the world than I’m prepared to take on at this particular moment. Or ever, actually. But we’ll see.

Do not like. Do. Not. Like.

Do not like. Do. Not. Like.

I saw the Book of Mormon. It was one of the best musicals I’ve ever experienced, and I can’t stop singing the music at inopportune times. Which is…well, most of the times, because if you know the songs, you know they’re kind of vulgar, in the most cheery way. It was an amazing musical, and had a great story, and the production was flawless (but of course it was, it was one of the touring companies coming through town, they don’t do shoddy work, and if I told you how much I paid for my ticket, you’d probably choke on whatever foodstuffs you’re currently consuming) and it made me smile so much my teeth dried out at one point. There was a rude asshat in front of me who insulted the nice retired teacher sitting next to him, and I wanted to punch him in the smug American-Psycho-lookalike face, but other than that, just a perfect evening. The show’s worth all the hype, but if you don’t like cussing, don’t go (or you’ll end up like the people at intermission I heard talking in the hallway, all “This is so VULGAR! Did you know it would be so VULGAR? It’s just so VULGAR!” Yes. Yes, it is. The South Park guys wrote it. Did you think it would be about rainbow kittens? Come on now.)

Here, this will make you happy. “I Believe” from the 2012 Tony Awards. (Don’t worry. This isn’t one of the naughty songs. Totally safe for both work and more easily-embarrassed ears.)

I got to see meet Christopher Durang. If you don’t know who this is, you’re probably 99% of the population, so don’t be upset. Christopher Durang is a playwright who was very popular in the late 80s/early 90s (although he is experiencing a resurgence and won the Tony for Best New Play this year) and I was in two of his shows in college (and did a scene from a third in acting class.) He’s absurd, and sarcastic, and hilarious, and intelligent, and remains one of my favorite playwrights to this day. He came to one of our local colleges to give a talk, and I got to see him talk, and then he did a book signing afterward – and I didn’t even freak out. Well, inside. Inside I was freaking out. But I was calm and charming outside, and that is a TOTAL win. That’s the first time I didn’t freak out and make one of my idols think I wanted to wear their skin as a suit. I’ll blog more about it on the book blog one of these days.

He totally looked just like a normal, ordinary guy. I like that when you meet a hero in real life they can masquerade as a typical human.

I went to a science museum with The Nephew. We saw a planetarium, where the presenter was asking questions none of the kids could answer, so she opened it up to the adults, and all the adults were afraid to answer, so I totally answered, because I like being a smartypants and I have no shame (and The Nephew was SO IMPRESSED with me – “you knew that!” he said. Yep, kiddo, I totally did. I am a nerd. We know all the things) and we saw many exhibits about how light and sound and waves and energy work, and a butterfly house (but The Nephew was not impressed because the butterflies weren’t landing on him, so he was like, “I’m done with this now!” and ran out) and gigantic Lego pieces so you could build a life-size house, and many train sets to play with, and one of those machines that makes your hair stand up if you touch it but it didn’t work on me because my hair was already a mess but it did make me all static electric so I was shocking people if I touched them. We had a day of adventure.

Me & my best little guy being beautiful butterflies. He LOVED this thing. Something about putting his face in a butterfly face entertained the heck out of him. He's a blogger's dream.

Me & my best little guy being beautiful butterflies. He LOVED this thing. Something about putting his face in a butterfly face entertained the heck out of him. He’s a blogger’s dream.

I am living through a winter apocalypse. This is the strangest winter ever. GIGANTIC SNOWFALLS! ICE STORMS! POLAR VORTEXES! (Vortices? I don’t ever remember the correct plural of that, and I’m too tired to hit the Googles at the moment.) Yesterday it was 45 degrees here. today it’s 20. It’s enough to give one whiplash. I’m so ready for spring. (And in funny news, I’m hearing from some of my friends who live in places that usually get a lot of snow that they DIDN’T get snow this year. I think we got all their snow. Awesome. Of course we did. Dumb snow. Dumb ice. I couldn’t even get in my car to go to work Thursday. It was iced shut. Took until about noon or one to even thaw enough to get in. SO ANNOYING.)

OK, it wasn't this bad...

OK, it wasn’t this bad…

For the first time in, eek, I don’t even know…almost ten years?…I submitted a piece for publication, and am working on others. I’m attempting to do some writing this year. If it works out, awesome. If not, I’ve written some things I’m proud of. I forgot how much fun it is to write things for potential publication. Fun and scary, all at once, actually. I’ve decided 2014 will be the year for trying things that are a little scary. So far, so good.

Dumbcat has been up to shenanigans – his latest thing is that he jumps on the bed at random hours like 2:21 am and 4:32 am and says “MEOW! MOM MOM MEOW!” and I say “oh, no no, Dumbcat, it is not time for this at all, Mom’s sleeping” and he said “meooooow” and I say “no no no” and he kind of sad-meows like “meoooooooow Mom you are the worst meoooooow” and then goes away for a little while and then comes back a couple hours later and we do it all over again. I’m not quite sure what this is all about. I think he just needs some attention, but it’s not so much fun when a person is attempting to sleep. Also, the other night my throw-rug in the living room was all rucked up and I went to straighten it and there was a dead mole under it. A dead mole! OK, a., how’d that mole get in my home? And b., why’d Dumbcat kill a mole and then hide it like a serial-killer trophy under a rug? (Also, moles are really kind of cool. They have velvety fur and you can’t see their eyes and they have little chubby paws and short tails. No, I didn’t touch it, but I had to pick it up with a paper towel to send it to its final resting place over the porch railing into the snow and so I took the chance to look at it, because how often does one get a chance to look at a mole?) So I’m somewhat impressed with his murdering prowess but also kind of sad about this poor little soft-looking mole who somehow got lost on his way to finding, I don’t know, grubs to eat, or whatever.

Clearly is wasn't THIS mole. This is a cheerful mole; my mole was a DEAD mole.

Clearly is wasn’t THIS mole. This is a cheerful mole; my mole was a DEAD mole.

I’m going to the zoo! After the science museum, The Nephew told his mom, “I want to go to a zoo with Aunt Amy next” and she said, “maybe in the spring, the zoos are closed now” and he said, “no, the animals aren’t gone for the winter. Call Aunt Amy. She can find us a zoo. I know she can” and you know, that kind of blind faith in me, that’s amazing stuff. So did I find a zoo? Bet your bottom dollar I did. We’re heading out of town to visit one next Sunday. There will be lions, and owls, and zebras, and sea lions, and ZOMG A HEDGEHOG!, and many tortoises, and SUGAR GLIDERS!, and teeny pygmy goats, and lemurs! The Nephew has never been to a zoo. So that means I got to take him to his first play AND get to take him to his first zoo. I’m pretty jazzed about this. Don’t worry, I’ve promised there will be many photos of us making animal-faces, and if I promise it, I’ll deliver. You know how much I love zoos and animal-faces.

Oh, I hope it's this one! This is a FANCY hedger! Look at her bling!

Oh, I hope it’s this one! This is a FANCY hedger! Look at her bling!

There have also been other things, like dinners with friends, and all the working, and various projects I’ve been working on, and this, that and other things. Busy, busy me. But it’s good-busy, for the most part, you know? Just busy. Happy-busy. And with all this busy-ness, the winter’s flying by…which means spring’s almost here, and you know what spring means. TRIP TO EUROPE! I’m only 69 days away from my trip now (from the time of me writing this, I mean.) That’s like nothing. Just a little over two months from now! I AM ALMOST THERE!

HERE I COME, MAGICAL FINNISH ISLANDS!!!

HERE I COME, MAGICAL FINNISH ISLANDS!!!

Happy week, you guys. Hope you’re all in the midst of grand adventures. The best kind of adventures at all. Hope to be back soon.

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…mermaid dancing…is a little different. You usually start on the ground.

I have no time to blog this week. MY MOST ABJECT APOLOGIES MY FAVORITE PEOPLE.

Also next week is the worst. But after that I think I get to breathe again. Maybe.

Well, ok, not the WORST. They’re all things I WANT to do. There are just a LOT of things to do. Fun things, but a LOT of them. One that requires – are you ready for this – THE PURCHASING AND WEARING OF A DRESS.

I KNOW. Please stop gasping and fainting. I can wear dresses. I’m allowed. I am a lady, even if I really, really like wearing khakis. Like, so much, guys. SO MUCH. They are beyond comfortable.

So, without further ago, because I am running out of time and trying to write this while watching a movie and also emailing and also doing a million other things…

THINGS THAT HAVE MADE ME HAPPY THIS WEEK SO FAR

(What, you were expecting things that made me miserable this week? I COULD do that, but how depressing would THAT be to read? No. Let’s stick to things that made me happy. Thanks.)

SHOPPING SUCCESSFULLY!

Now, as you all know, I am not a good shopper. I often lose at shopping. QUITE often. And it makes me frustrated. And itchy. And a little sweaty.

HOWEVER, I had to go to the mall this week for a VERY EXCITING THING. Ready?

Here was me on Monday…

(Well, my hair didn’t look like that. My hair only looked likes like that when my hairdresser does it. This is only for a comparison.)

And here’s me NOW:

QUICK WHAT IS DIFFERENT?

No, not the hair. Or the clothes. Or the necklace. Or the makeup. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!

What was that? Someone in the back?

YES! CORRECT!

I GOT NEW GLASSES!

I am crazy in love with them. They make me so much happier than the last ones, which were Transitions and scratched and an annoying shape and I hated them. These are flattering and pretty and stylish and ZOMG they are totally Dolce and Gabbana. I KNOW. (People say that’s a fancy thing, right? Like, they make purses or something, right? I don’t know such things. I think the fanciest name-brand of anything I own is like Fashion Bug brand or something.)

ALSO, I had an eye exam and the optometrist told me I was VERY PHOTOGENIC. He was talking about my eyes, but I took it as a total compliment. (He also told me I had EXTREMELY healthy eyes, and showed me some photos of NON-healthy eyes which were TOTES ICKY, you guys, and made me squeal disgustedly and delightedly. I liked him a lot. He told me gross stories about working in the hospital and was VERY entertaining. He won optometry.)

So after an epic win of glasses-buying (which was kind of expensive, despite my eyecare plan), I went dress-shopping. Gulp.

Now, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to find anything, because I have the WORST LUCK with shopping. But I have a wedding to go to on Friday. And it’s the wedding of friends K. and A.! And I would very much like to look like a pretty lady at said wedding!

So I tried on dresses. Trepidaciously.

AND YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT OCCURRED!

I found THREE PRETTY DRESSES!

I had to narrow it down to two, because they were not CHEAP dresses. But I bought two dresses. One for the wedding and one for when Laura visits in September and we’re going to a fancy dinner and then to a play at the fancy theater like LAY-DEEZ.

This is the wedding dress (because it’s going to be HOT that day, yo, and the wedding’s outside):

SO CUTE. No, I’m not wearing heels with this. Don’t ask. I have shoes with a PRACTICAL SLIGHTLY-RAISED RUBBERY HEEL. That’s as good as you get from me. I would tip, otherwise.

And for my lady-date with Laura:

SUPER-SEXY. Also the cleavage in this dress is INSANE. Laura, we’re going to be the HOTTEST LADIES ON THE TOWN, sincerely.

Other things that have made me happy this week that are NOT spending-money-related (because there are some, I don’t JUST spend all the money all the time, just SOMETIMES):

  • Dad’s coming to visit next week! We’re totally spending the day together!
  • I get to have dinner with The Nephew and his mom next week! He starts school after Labor Day. Can you imagine? My best little guy is SCHOOL-AGED! Whoa!
  • Making Dad laugh until he dropped the phone by dropping a random (albeit, very funny, she says humbly) sexual innuendo in conversation (when Dad says “that’s a good one!” I feel like I won an Oscar)
  • Watching Pitch Perfect. SHUT UP. It is funny and quirky and heartwarming and A CAPELLA, you guys. I have all the love for a capella. Plus it stars this chick:

    This is Rebel Wilson, who I fell crazy in love with in Bridesmaids and she only had a LITTLE role, and look at her in THIS. She is WONDERFUL. She made me laugh SO SO HARD, you guys. She wins everything.She is CRAZY FIERCE.
    I have a total crush on her.

And I want to be her character in the movie. See? I even told Twitter last night.

(Her character in the movie’s name is Fat Amy. WATCH IT. Sincerely. I thought it might be awful, too, but it was so much fun. Except sometimes it was stupid and there was vomiting. I don’t care for stupid sketch-comedy vomiting.)

OK. I am going to bed because lately I have not been sleeping properly and also I’ve been gritting my teeth a lot which means I’m stressed so I think I need some downtime, yo. I’m going to go to bed early and see if that helps. Happy day, all! I hope all the things made you happy this week. If not, just stare a little at Rebel Wilson. She’s the most sensational.


Each thing I do I rush through so I can do something else.

Each thing I do I rush through so I can do/something else. In such a way do the days pass–/a blend of stock cars racing and the never ending building of a gothic cathedral./Through the windows of my speeding car, I see/all that I love falling away: books unread,/jokes untold, landscapes unvisited… ― “Pursuit,” Stephen Dobyns

I have exactly an hour to write this before getting to bed. I’m really trying to get at LEAST seven hours of sleep a night right now. I went lower than that earlier in the week and the yawning at my desk was getting a little distracting to my coworkers. I love my job a ton and then a ton more, but it’s not the kind of job where you’re doing a lot of different things. You’re thinking a lot, so it’s not like it’s one of those emotion-killer jobs, not even a little…but you get in a routine. And when you’re half-asleep, nothing pushes you over the edge into sleepytown like a routine. Open the folder (yawn) start researching if all the things we need to write this policy are here where they should be (yawn, blink blink blink), go into the computer program to write the policy (MEGA-yawn, eyes getting a little closey now)…you get the idea.

What? I'm not yawning. I'm...stretching my jaw out. For all that future singing that I'm going to be doing. Yep. Totally doing that.

What? I’m not yawning. I’m…stretching my jaw out. For all that future singing that I’m going to be doing. Yep. Totally doing that.

Andreas tells me I need more than seven hours of sleep, and that eight hours is recommended. Well, eight hours seems like a lot, doesn’t it? And I’d love to get eight hours, but when would I blog? NEVER, is when. (Also, I try to catch up on the weekends, or at least on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings when I have a chance, but my body’s all “NOPE! SORRY BUCKAROO!” and wakes me up after about seven hours of sleep, even if I wanted more. Stupid sabatogey body.)

So. Lots going on around here. I have actual, honest-to-goodness post ideas for you, but no time to do them justice (and half a draft written for Insatiable Booksluts that I MUST get done after work tomorrow night, must must must!) and SO MANY THINGS going on. Like, a million and a half things. This is, most likely, why I can’t get any sleep. I have too many things in my brain-area. How do you people turn these things off when it’s sleeping-time? Don’t even say alcohol or drugs, I’m an old lady and I don’t do those (anymore.)

I AM TRYING.

I AM TRYING.

So, in brief, what I have going on ’round these here parts before the month is out:

  • Two, yes, TWO, out-of-town trips – and not even for the theater! For FUN! (Well, the theater’s pretty fun, too, I have to admit.) In a little over a week I’m going to visit the most lovely Bronwyn down in the Catskills, which is very exciting for many reasons. I never thought I’d get to meet her, since she lives in the faraway wilds of distant Canada, AND she was one of my first Twitter people/internet friends/blog readers! I have known her for over two years! This is a meetup quite some time in the making. We are going to have an epic adventure. Well, a brief epic adventure, since she’s leaving town not long after…but a brief adventure is better than no adventure at all!
    Then, a week later, I am headed northwest to visit the equally-lovely Laura, one of my fellow Booksluts, before she leaves our fair state for the more humid climes of the south! We are having an afternoon of chatting and eating and MORE chatting and laughing and have decided we will talk about both SRS BSNS and fun-times. As two most amazing Booksluts are apt to do.
    Yes, I promise I will take some photos!
  • Much writing of blog posts and book reviews and various and sundry other things. I will most likely be glued to the laptop when I am not doing other things.
  • Things that are keeping me busy like reading, and working, and plotting a big surprise-thing I’m working on, talking to Andreas with my face, and sometimes watching a little TV and hanging with Dumbcat. (I came home way too late the other day and Dumbcat was AMAZED I WAS NOT DEAD. And he was VERY VOCAL about it. “Meow, Mom!” he said. A lot. And loudly. “MEOW! Where have you been? MEOW! I’ve been HERE, in our HOME, but you have NOT! MEOW MEOW!” Then when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom he kept walking by the door, pausing, MEOW!-ing into the door, and walking by. Then walking BACK by in the OTHER direction, MEOW!-ing, and walking by again. Over and over. Back and forth. I was seriously giggle-choking on toothpaste. HE NEEDED SOME SERIOUS ATTENTION, YO.)

    OMG. This is totally Dumbcat. LOOK AT ME MOM LOOK AT ME MOM.

    OMG. This is totally Dumbcat. LOOK AT ME MOM LOOK AT ME MOM.

  • Plotting some other things that are futurey things, like trips and visits and such. They do not need IMMEDIATE planning but they are back-burner planning things that are always being thought about.
  • Maybe doing some artsy things, if I have time to shoehorn those in.

Those are a LOT of things. Also, were you aware the summer’s almost over? It’s totally true. It’s already August! I’m happy about this, because summer = hot and humid and gross, but it is kind of baffling that the summer is already almost gone. Poof. Just like that. That went by pretty quickly, didn’t it? Whoo.

Have happy and restful and relaxing weekends, all. Do something summery. Maybe have an adventure. August is for squeezing in those last few adventures before it starts getting chilly. Go have one, ok? Good, good. Go forth and adventure.


Ceci n’est pas un blogpost.

I would love to write a real post here. And tomorrow (fingers crossed) I WILL write a real blog post. However, here is how the last 28 hours have gone:

  • Freshly Pressed puts my post up on the WordPress site.
  • I start getting a kabillion likes, reblogs, comments, and follows. And tweets. And Facebook comments. And emails. And my phone starts going cuh-raaaaay-zee.
  • I have to go out to dinner, because I planned a fantastic dinner with my theater ladies a few weeks ago. (Who might be reading right now because I actually – GULP! – told real-life people about my blog. If so, hi, J., A., and L.!) So I replied to comments right up until I had to run out the door. While grinning like a looney and saying “these things don’t happen to people like me NO THEY DO NOT.”
  • Eating dinner and having a wonderful time and not even checking my phone once in almost two hours even though I wanted to SO BADLY. Because I love my friends and they deserved my undivided attention. And we laughed and laughed so much. It was the best time.
  • Getting to my car and looking at my phone and saying “Oh. Oh, my” because I had a billion* (*possibly an exaggeration) comments to approve, and new followers, and tweets and on and on and blah blah could I BE any more into myself right now? I know, right?
  • Also, SIDE NOTE, I had an email from my brother waiting for me. He recently got an email account. My brother has never sent me an email in his life. It made me laugh SO HARD. It ended with “This short by normal standards wireless telegram took me approx. 22 mins. to generate.” As you can see, we have similar senses of humor.
  • Then I got home and I couldn’t go to bed until I beat my previous best day, stats-wise. Then I did. Then I finally went to bed.
  • When I woke up, I had a billion MORE comments and also I went to bed way too late and I was so so tired and then more and more comments coming in and I did not have time to reply to them so I said, I will reply tonight when I get home! (Oh, hey, new people, here at the Football, I reply to like 99% of comments. I’m weird like that. You took the time to comment; the least I can do is take the time to reply, is my thought.)
  • So all day long, there were more and more and MORE comments. Also I worked all day, as I do. I mean, you can’t just not go to work because you are a very famous blogger, you know.
  • Then I had to go grocery shopping. Look what I bought, sj!

    Starfruit! I have never tried one, but sj's kiddo said it tasted like stars. How could I not buy one?

    Starfruit! I have never tried one, but sj’s kiddo said it tasted like stars. How could I not buy one? I am MADE of stars!

  • THEN I finally got home and had to do things like call my parents (Dad’s response to “Dad, I have to GO, I have a BILLION COMMENTS TO REPLY TO” was “Are they paying you per comment? This is insane. NO ONE DOES THIS”) and eat food items and also pet the cats a little (not a euphemism) and write email to my most beloved ones (listen, one of the worst mistakes people make when they get famous is that they forget the little people. I WILL NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP! What’s that? I’m not really famous and my people aren’t even little? Shush it, you) and then it was replying-to-comment-time. Oh, the comments. Oh, so many wonderful comments. I can’t even.

However, all that comment-replying means that it’s bedtime now. And with the lack of sleep the last few days, I really need to get to bed tonight. I have to get up somewhat early tomorrow and get an oil change. ALSO not a euphemism. Oh, also, did I mention my cable is out? It is. Out. My cable box is, according to the very technical lady on the phone, “fried.” I need a new one. She said they could come next week sometime. I might have freaked out a little and said, “No. See, Game of Thrones? Sunday? I can’t. I can’t even.” Then I explained if she couldn’t get someone there BEFORE Sunday, I wouldn’t be UPGRADING to HBO, so they would be losing MONEY, and suddenly, a tech was available tomorrow! Huh! Imagine that!

Oh, Jaime. And this is the season we'll get to hear "I dreamed of you," right? I cannot wait. Can. Not. Wait.

Oh, Jaime. And this is the season we’ll get to hear “I dreamed of you,” right? I cannot wait. Can. Not. Wait.

All of this to say: I promise a new blog with actual content soon. I have the next two days (maybe even three) planned out.

Also, hi, new people. I will talk to your faces soon. Tomorrow, even. I am so pleased you’re here. Don’t leave just yet. Things are about to get EXCITING*. (*possibly not true.)

Happy Friday, all. Hope you’re well. Have the best weekend. Oh, it’s Easter weekend, yeah? Find some eggs. Eat some chocolate bunnies. Celebrate all things springy. Love your faces. Be back with a real post soon. Promise.

(Oh, you all know where I got the title, right? If you don’t know from the painting, you know from The Fault in Our Stars. Here’s the painting, just in case. Smooches to you all.)

It's funny because it IS a pipe. But it's NOT a pipe. It's a PAINTING of a pipe. It's always tickled me. Nice job, Magritte!

It’s funny because it IS a pipe. But it’s NOT a pipe. It’s a PAINTING of a pipe. It’s always tickled me. Nice job, Magritte!


An adventure at the vet with Dumbcat, Newcat, and ME!

So TODAY, we had an adventure called “take two cats to the vet, one of which doesn’t 100% trust you yet because she is new here.”

What do you mean, this isn’t an adventure. I beg to differ, yo. EVERYTHING is an adventure if you look at it the right way.

First, I got out of work EARLY. This is yet another reason my new job (when, may I ask, is it no longer “new job” but just “job”? I still feel like someone’s going to jump out and scream “PUNK’D!” any day now. It has not yet happened, but that doesn’t mean it’s not GOING to happen) is the best thing ever. If you need to leave a little early because you have a thing going on, like you have to go to bed early because you have to get up before the sun even THINKS about getting up to go to New York City to have the best day ever, for example, or if you have to get to the vet and wouldn’t get there in time if you left at your normal time, you can skip your lunch and do that. You totally can!

So I left work and came home. First order of business: Dumbcat needed his nails trimmed or I was afraid the vet would be all a., “YOU ARE A BAD CAT MOMMY!” and b., “Let us do it for you, it’s only $900!” (I may have rounded that up, but it’s expensive, especially since I can do it myself for FREE.)

I like how relaxed this cat is. This is not the case here in the Casa del Futbol.

I like how relaxed this cat is. This is not the case here in the Casa del Futbol.

So in order to trim Dumbcat’s nails, you need three things: 1. a cat nail trimmer; 2. a towel, 3. a lot of patience and a very soothing voice.

Dumbcat doesn’t like his feet touched. Or his body touched. Or to be forcibly restrained. IT STRESSES HIM OUT.

So first you have to pretend you’re just PETTING Dumbcat. Today he was rolling on the floor so I had to get on the floor and pretend to roll as WELL, and then also pet him until he vibrated all over with purrs because MOMY IS ON TEH FLORE WITH MEEE! and then scoop him up and QUICK QUICK wrap him in a towel before he could freak out too much. (NOTE: Don’t use a towel you like or need to use anytime soon. It will be covered in fur when you are done.)

This cat is much too relaxed. Dumbcat mistrusts that.

Once you have him wrapped in a Purrito (patent pending), you can very carefully pull one of his legs out of the towel for nail-clipping.

That’s when he realizes this has all gone very, VERY wrong. And he starts making a noise like a rabbit in a trap. And it is HEARTBREAKING. And he starts struggling and pulling his leg away from you.

If you are quick and efficient, you can get his front paws done in a flash. Well, most of them. Since he’s a polydactyl, he has weird claws in weird places and you have to be sure to get those, too. Like, claws between his toes and claws growing out of the sides of his legs.

UNFORTUNATELY, this time we had a slight mishap in that he ZIGGED when I should have ZAGGED and one of his weird claws pulled off. PULLED RIGHT OFF! (He has one weird claw that is not…a claw. I don’t know how to even explain it. It’s this thick non-pointy claw. What can I say, he’s genetically challenged.) So THEN, there was BLEEDING! So I had to take the Purrito (patent pending, DON’T YOU STEAL THAT FROM ME, IT’S ALL I HAVE GOING FOR ME DAMMIT!) to the kitchen for a paper towel so I could make it stop bleeding, and that Purrito (don’t even think about stealing that, you thieves) was at that point making noises like a teakettle boiling mixed with an angry swarm of bees and also perhaps a robot on the fritz.

Dumbcat (artist's rendition)

Dumbcat (artist’s rendition)

So FINALLY we got that under control and he was doing this thing where he was KICKING and YOWLING and we STILL had the BACK legs to do! Oh, Dumbcat. Just so you know, I was also using my most calming voice throughout. “Dumbcat! Buddy, you are OK. YOU. ARE. OK. You will be fine! We have to clip these claws. THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL! Look how long these are. They are like SABERS! You will scratch yourself and there will be pain. You don’t want that! STOP BEING BUNNY-LEGS! You cannot escape from this wrapping, my little purrito (PATENT PENDING I SAID!)”

Then we got the back legs done and THEN it was time for STEP TWO IN MY NEFARIOUS PLAN! which was, put Dumbcat in a carrier for the vet.

Now, usually Dumbcat doesn’t care about the carrier but this time I think he was so upset about the purrito (if you’re thinking of stealing that, DON’T YOU EVEN DARE!) and the leg-touching and the accidental bloodiness that he was all out of sorts. Or he was acting. Because the minute I put him in there he got OBNOXIOUS.

Mriew? Meow? MIEUW? MRRROWOOOW? MEOW MEOW?

Mriew? Meow? MIEUW? MRRROWOOOW? MEOW MEOW?

“Meow? Mrrrrrow? MEOW! MEOW! MEEEEEOOOOWWW! Mrrrreiou? Mieuuuuuu? MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!” said Dumbcat. Repeatedly. The entire time he was in the carrier. So THAT wasn’t annoying at all.

Then I captured Newcat (ok, so capturing really just meant I scooped her up and popped her in a carrier, which she constantly knocked over with her feet and I finally got the giggles about it because we were like a comedy of errors) and put her in a carrier and then sat on the couch breathing heavily for a while because THAT WAS A LOT OF WORK. Being a single mom is no joke, you know.

Then I wrestled both carriers to the car and drove over to the vet’s office. The whole way, Dumbcat said “MEOW MEOW MEOW, mrrrow? Meiuouw? Brrrrrow? MEOW MEOW!” and Newcat once and a while would quietly say, “Meow.” She was very polite.

Then we got to the vet and usually I have a billion hours of waiting-time while I’m there but this time they got me right in! It was very nice of them. First we see the vet tech. The vet tech does the following: weighs the cats (Dumbcat: 12.5 pounds; Newcat, 13 pounds – my cats are…um…not thin), checks to see what shots they need, and takes their temperature. With a thermometer up their bum. This did not upset Newcat, which made me despair for what she’s been through in her lifetime. It DID, however, freak Dumbcat right out and he made that cartoon face that people make when they are mightily surprised by something and their eyes bug out a little. Then he hid his face in my shirt and that always makes my heart hurt.

HEALTHY!

HEALTHY!

The best part of vet visits is when you take Dumbcat out of the carrier. Dumbcat is PRETTY, you guys. Like, I know I’m biased, but there are NORMAL cats, and then there’s my beautiful boy. But it’s always good when I reveal him from the carrier and the tech or the vet says, “OMG LOOK AT HIM!” and then I think that’s how you people with children feel with someone tells you your child is beautiful. Shush, let me have my dreams.

But THIS time, Newcat ALSO got the reaction! I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CATS! How did that happen? Just good genetics, I guess. I’m an EXCELLENT mom.

So then the vet came in and she was a very nice lady who was about my age. Therefore, she was not the hot Irish vet who saw the cats once, and that was momentarily disappointing. She was very nice, though, and ALSO thought the cats were beautiful.

Dumbcat got TWO shots and did not want EITHER of them and hid his face in my shirt MORE. Then she checked out all of his various things and poked and prodded him and soothed my fears that he has these weird lumps that come and go (they are nothing more than cysts, he’s not dying of weird cat-skin-cancer because that’s of course IMMEDIATELY where my mind goes. Because why just do something? GO BIG OR GO HOME. It’s a little bump? NO IT IS CANCER. Are you sad about something terrible that happened? WELL THAT SHIT’S GOING TO LINGER FOR PROBABLY A YEAR IF IT EVER GOES AWAY AT ALL. No room for going halfway, not in Amy-land!) and said he was the healthiest, happiest boy and to keep doing what I’m doing. Aw, I like that.

(THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! SO MUCH CUSSING! But also wonderful. And totally should be my mantra. Exactly. Fuck it, WHY go halfway?)

Then it was time for Newcat! Newcat had many things that needed checked up on. First: she had surgery back in November for a tumor (benign) and the vet needed to check on that; all was well, except she had one stitch that didn’t dissolve and was poking out so she took that out. Then she checked on why she was limping on her front right leg. (No answer on that one; she said since Newcat didn’t seem to be in any pain, she might just walk like that, or have an old injury. Aw, Newcat! You are all jacked up!) Also, Newcat tried to eat the vet’s hand when she was checking her limp-issue. The vet was very calm and said, “OK, we’re going to just keep doing this, Newcat, so stop being rude, ok?” and Newcat just looked at me with anger and disgust. She’s very attitudinous, Newcat is.

She also CONCURRED with me that Newcat is about 5 years old. I win being able to tell how old cats are by their teeth! I learned a thing at my job at the Humane Society! I HAVE A SPECIALIZED SKILL!

Probably don't want a cat to make this scary face-eating face at you, though. Rule #1 of being a cat-teeth whisperer.

Probably don’t want a cat to make this scary face-eating face at you, though. Rule #1 of being a cat-teeth whisperer.

She said Newcat is very healthy and ALSO very happy and that they are both beautiful and since she has a medical degree I think it’s the truth, right? Right.

They both need to lose a little weight, though, so it’s (shh) diet cat food for the kitties from now on. I’ll get them something tasty. It’s the least I can do. (Also, Dumbcat doesn’t actually eat very much, but Newcat is a HOOVER when it comes to food. My goodness! She eats MUCH food. I think it’s because she was homeless. She isn’t sure if her next meal will actually happen. Aw, Newcat. There will always be food.)

Dumbcat and Newcat would like you to know this is no laughing matter. Except kind of a cat in overalls is HILARIOUS.

Dumbcat and Newcat would like you to know this is no laughing matter. Except kind of a cat in overalls is HILARIOUS.

When I got home my overly-attentive UPS man was here (he totally knows my name and ASKS WHAT IS IN ALL MY PACKAGES, I find that odd, Dad says “Isn’t that NICE, he is so FRIENDLY” but I think it’s none of his business so I tell him false information like “knives SHARP KNIVES”) (FINE, no I don’t) and I got a billion packages (a book, a fan for my desk at work because it’s so hot in there I am DYING, and a gift for someone, so, I guess more like three packages than a million, I’m really terrible at guesstimating) and so wrestled all the packages AND the carriers into the house and then RELEASED THE HOUNDS! (cats) and they RAN up the stairs like they were being chased by all the demons of hell. THEIR MISTREATMENT WAS OVER!

Now Dumbcat is curled up to me snoring so hard he just scared himself awake with the noise of it (and then glared at me like I was the one who woke him up) and Newcat is under the kitchen table snoring as loud as SHE can because they have had a VERY TRYING DAY.

See? This is a lesson in how anything can be an adventure if you really just apply yourself. Or if you’re with me. That latter part might be the key, actually, and I can’t really help you with that part. Just ask yourself – WHAT WOULD LUCY’S FOOTBALL DO? and the answer is usually “turn it into an adventure” or “spill food on her top” and either way, you’ll be riding high, jellybeans. Just don’t get one of those obnoxious bracelets with WWLFD on it because then I’ll shake my head at you in an embarrassed manner.

Won’t be around tomorrow, and maybe not for the next few days – lots to do! Very busy! But will do my best to do what I can. Just imagine me having all the adventures. That’s really the best way to imagine me, anyway, at all times. Happy weekends, all!


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