Well, here it is, the day after Christmas. For some of you, this is the first day of Kwanzaa, so happy happy Kwanzaa. For some others, it is Boxing Day, so happiest of all days of boxing to YOU. For me it is back to work day, and then directly after work I have a theater meeting so we can talk about plays, and then it is time to come home and eat and go to sleep. Sleeping, incidentally, has not been the easiest, because of the coughing. Because if you sleep on one side your lungs start blurbling and you cough, so you roll over and then it happens all OVER again, and listen, you even try sleeping sitting up on the couch but your body laughs at you for that folly. It is a true story. Also, what kind of “cough suppressant” is in Nyquil and Dayquil, anyway? It is TERRIBLE and it DOES NOT WORK.
Anyway, so when I woke up from my…oh, I don’t know, four or five hours of sleep that I managed to get because of the demon-coughing on Christmas Day (and also I stayed up late because I could, and because it wasn’t like I was going to sleep anyway, and because sj and I were listening to music together online, and how much fun is THAT? a LOT, is how much), I thought, I COULD try to fall back to sleep, or I could GO OPEN PRESENTS. Also check my email. Which is like a present I get daily, let’s be honest. And it was, I totally had some of the best email ever, but that’s neither here nor there. IT IS CHRISTMASSSSSSS.
So I went into the living room and I had a phone message. (Shush, I still have a landline, I’m like a old-school person.) It was Dad! “Why aren’t you awake. Ho ho ho. It is Christmas. WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING. You have PRESENTS to open. Ho ho ho. ARE YOU STILL ASLEEP?” It was like 8:45am, by the way. (When we were kids, we used to wake our parents up at ungodly hours to open gifts. When we got older, he was sad when that stopped happening, so he used to stomp. My brother and I were woken on Christmas morning at like 6am by the melodious tones of my father harrumphing and STOMPING LOUDLY ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR. And we’d mutter and drag ourselves downstairs and he’d be all, “Oh! Well! There you are! You’re finally awake! I wonder how you both happened to wake up at the same time like this? This is truly a Christmas miracle. LET’S OPEN PRESENTS NOW!”) I didn’t hear the phone because it’s in the living room and I sleep with a fan on that’s as loud as a jet engine. On purpose. Because sometimes the cat is very bumblesome at 3am and I wake up easily if I hear things.
So I called him back and he was all sad that he’d potentially woken me up. “I didn’t even think, this is like your only morning to sleep in, but I was SO EXCITED IT WAS CHRISTMAS,” poor sad Santa Dad said. I assured him he did not wake me up and that his phone call was like the equivalent of him stomping to wake us up and he liked that a lot. Poor Dad, no kids at home for Christmas. My brother was at HIS house and I was at MINE and my mom was drinking some coffee or something, I don’t know.
So we talked for a little while and then it was PRESENT time. Dad thought I should take all day to open the presents. He recommended opening a present every 18 minutes. He made up that number. 18. I’d suggested every twenty minutes but apparently that was too round of a number for him so he decided 18 minutes. However, when presented (heh, no pun intended) with that pile of presents I just couldn’t be that patient. PRESENTS FOR ME! And also one for Dumbcat. But also me!!!!
I probably should have taken more photos but a., I was really tired, and b., I was kind of opening these in a frenzy, yo.
First, there was a stocking. I knew it was a stocking because it was a box with “THIS IS A STOCKING” written on it. And covered in tape. I didn’t get my tendency to use too much tape on things from the neighbors, people.
In the stocking we had a variety of things. Ironically, in the stocking there were stockings. HA HA GET IT? (I asked for pantyhose. I need to wear more skirts in my life. I have a lot of them, why the hell am I not wearing them? I also need to buy some tights. Where would a person get kicky tights, I wonder?)
Also, there was…
A calculator! I know, probably you think that’s dumb. But I’m excited because for some reason I have trouble using the ones online and I like to balance my checkbook. Like an old person, shush.
Salad tongs! SO I CAN PICK UP GROSS THINGS WITHOUT USING MY HANDS! What? I’m supposed to use these for salad? Oh, shit, ok, well, whatever, fine.
The most euphemistic meat stick you’ve ever SEEN! (My mom always puts Slim Jim-style meat products in my stocking. Despite the fact I don’t like them. If I’m at home, when she’s not looking, I sneak ’em to my Dad. This year, I guess I’ll wait til I see him again and give this to him then. What, it’s not like it’s going to go bad. The preservatives in this thing could keep it fresh forEVER.) I also find it humorous it has a weird-looking Bigfoot on the package. What kind of meat, exactly, is this made of?
Printer ink! Well, since I don’t have a printer…that makes me think…SPOILER ALERT I think I know what one of these presents might be.
Then I ripped into the presents like a Tasmanian Devil. A CHRISTMAS DEVIL.
I didn’t take photos of EVERYTHING. There was some soap and shower gel and towels and money and chocolate and a gift card for books and blank CDs and things I did not photograph because why would you take photos of EVERYTHING, come on.
There was a new cat tree for the Dumbcat, because he has shredded his to pieces. I put it together for him and you’d think he’d he all over it, but he hasn’t woken up yet today. I was covered up with a blanket last night, and left it on the couch when I went to bed. He has claimed that blanket as his own and has not moved from it all day. I have to situate my legs around him on the couch. He’s so cute. He’s just a ball of fur and purrs right now. You can’t even wake him up. You can pet him and he just purrs harder and continues to sleep. It’s the only way I know he’s not dead, honestly.
I did take photos of the MOST exciting things, though.
OMG THEY ARE SO PRETTY.
They are silver and “berry” but really kind of purple and they are WONDERFUL and I LOVE them. I opened the box and I said “OOHHH!” and stared at them for the longest time. Now I am wearing them so I know they fit and so I can wear them to work if I want (we’re in dress-down mode at work until March, I can wear sneakers every day if I want to) and they are ADORABLE.
Well, in this photo I seem to have feet the size of America but who even cares LOOK AT MA PRETTEH NEW KICKS. Also my snowman socks. I only have a few more days to wear my holiday-themed socks, I’m wearing the hell out of them.
A new printer! YAY! I don’t have to print things at Staples anymore! (I suppose I could print them at work but I don’t like to be stealy.)
I kind of gave up on photos at this point. MY NEW VACCUUM! It’s sideways because I was too tired to pick up the box. Look how little! And it says “eureka!” so you KNOW it’s going to pick up all the cat hair, yo.
I saved BFFs presents for last.
First there was a gift set from LUSH. LUSH is a fancy-schmancy bath and body place. I got THIS one:
It has soap and bath bars and lotion and shower gel and it smells AMAZING in here right now, just from the BOX. Also, the box is glittery and gold and beautiful.
Then there was HIS present, with a card with our SECRET NAME on it (shh) and inside there was one present that’s an inside joke and also touching, so I’m not telling you that one, and the aforementioned gift card for books, and THIS PILLOW ZOMG. I cried and laughed and then cried some more. SO EFFING ADORABLE.
BEBEH PENGUIN YOU GUYS! It is ADORABLE! It now lives on my couch so I can see it every day and think of how much I love my BFF.
There was one last thing in the package. This thing…well, I talked to him today, and I said, “BFF, I think I have to make you a video of me trying this thing.”
BFF was enthused. He misses my face, as I ALSO miss HIS face.
So…without further ado…me. And my new thing. (I don’t have makeup on today, and also my hair…well, it’s got some weird unexpected body happening. Also I’m sick. As you can tell. Hack hack cough.)
Now I have to go make a little ham and some broccoli because I promised my mom I would have some veggies today and some olives because I like to eat them from the can and also sometimes put them on my fingers and eat them off my fingers like I’m a child. Shush, you, it’s Christmas, I’m allowed.
It was a very good Christmas, all-told. And I hope you all had the Christmases you deserved, as well. Truly and truly.
Dumbcat wishes you a Merry Christmas as well. When he was sleeping I tied the ribbon from BFF’s gift around his neck. HE DID NOT EVEN CARE. He slept like this for a good hour before I felt guilty and took it off. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, says Dumbcat.
ZZZZZ, and purr, says Dumbcat. ZZZZZ and purr. (I’ve had him for years and I think this is the first Christmas we’ve spent together, to be honest. I always go home. He’s probably just so happy I’m here. He probably thinks he’s in heaven. So he’s had the best Christmas ever, then. The best Christmas a Dumbcat has ever had.)