Presents and bacon and vegetables and a wonky vaccuum: must be Christmas Eve!

Well, here we are at Christmas Eve. This is one weird Christmas, my favorite bloggonians. Bloggites? We never quite figured that out, now did we. Meh, don’t even care.

(Also, SPEAKING of which, our favorite Andreas informs me it is HIS CHRISTMAS today. Everyone wish our favorite Andreas a Merry Christmas! I don’t hear you even at all a little, dammit. WISH HIM THE BEST CHRISTMAS WHY ARE YOU ALL BEING GRINCHYYYYY?)

ZOMG I totally found a Finnish Christmas card. (Wait, did I, Andreas?)

ZOMG I totally found a Finnish Christmas card. (Wait, did I, Andreas?)

Christmas isn’t happening here for two reasons:

  1. Since I spent a period of the year (a lengthy period) where money was hard to come by, I was not able to Christmas shop for my nearest and dearest. Or send out cards. Or anything Christmas-related. The closest I came was to write up some quick cards and give them to my mom to hand out to my family members, and also buy some Secret Santa (shit shit SNOWMAN Secret SNOWMAN) gifts for that guy at work. Otherwise, nothing. I still plan on doing Christmas next month for people once I’m a little more financially lucrative and have been for a month straight. But that doesn’t help much when everyone else is doing Christmas NOW, you know?
  2. I can’t go home for Christmas this year due to New Job o’Shininess and a lack of time off. I get a half-day today and a day off tomorrow and then it’s back to work for me on Wednesday. That’s not enough time to travel anywhere. Also, Christmas is all topsy-turvy at home this year; things are all being changed-up and different and I don’t deal well with change.

So therefore, Christmas for me will be spent with Dumbcat in my home with my little tree. Which is kind of sadtimes, but I’ve done it before. I’m a brave little toaster.

Brave little toasterrrrrr! Eh, screw it, I don't feel especially brave or toastery today. I like that kicky cape, though.

Brave little toasterrrrrr! Eh, screw it, I don’t feel especially brave or toastery today. I like that kicky cape, though.

However, TODAY (your yesterday) my parents decided to come up and Christmas me up. That’s because they’re the sweetest. So they said they’d be here at 11.

I PLANNED on getting up at about 9 and cleaning up the place because for SOME reason, a certain cat who lives here has been shedding like a crazy. I don’t know what’s going on with that. Aren’t cats supposed to get MORE hair in the winter? They’re not supposed to LOSE hair. Right? Why’s he on some sort of weird backward clock? Oh, why do I even ask, he’s not normal and never will be.

So I’m getting over the flu and I went to bed relatively early and then I couldn’t sleep. No, I don’t know why either. I assume it’s because my brain works thusly: “A THING IS HAPPENING TOMORROW! A THING AMY A THING! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP IF THERE IS A THING HAPPENING TOMORROW AMY! A THING!” In this manner, my brain is very much like Dumbcat’s.

And then I woke up at 7:30am, because why the hell not, it’s not like I finally fell asleep at 1:30 and I’m trying to sleep off the flu or anything. Also, Nyquil tastes like death and doesn’t always work. If you taste like death, you are SUPPOSED to WORK.

*stern look at the Nyquil*

*stern look at the Nyquil*

So then I decided, let’s clean the house!

Things my wonky-ass vaccuum doesn’t vaccuum up so I have to pick up with my hands:

  • small stones
  • little pieces of paper
  • cat hair
  • a weird white plastic thing that I hope wasn’t important because I threw it away
  • random dirt
  • pieces of the cat tree that Dumbcat shredded off with his adamantine claws

Things that my wonky-ass vaccuum does pick up:

  • I don’t know, I’ll get back to you on that one

So mostly, then, vaccuuming was me cussing out the vaccuum for not working and picking up shit with my hands, so it was like old-school cleaning up. Pre-vaccuums. Like a PIONEER. A cranky pioneer who is getting over the flu.

Then I did other things like cleaning up the bathroom and also putting away shoes. I have a lot of shoes for someone who hates shoes and I never put them back in the closet so there’s like a pile and a half of shoes in the middle of the living room. I thought about cleaning up the table but that would take like a month. I have a lot of stuff stacked on that table. And some of it is really GOOD stuff. I can’t just throw it AWAY.

Then Mom called and said, “Your dad is driving so we’re going to be later than planned.”

“Oh, like 3pm?” I said.

“THAT IS NOT FUNNY!” Dad said.

“No, like half an hour late,” Mom said.

So then I just collapsed on the couch and glared at the stupid wonky vaccuum. Stupid wonky vaccuum. (I’m fairly sure it just needs a new bag, but it’s really old and I inherited it from a friend and I don’t know that bags are still available for it, to be honest. And I actually LOVE the vaccuum. It is so old-school. I think it’s made of cast-iron. It’s kind of the best thing.)

I tried to find a photo of my vaccuum but it is TOO OLD. This one's similar. Similar-ish.

I tried to find a photo of my vaccuum but it is TOO OLD. This one’s similar. Similar-ish.

Then my parents showed up. This made Dumbcat FREAK OUT. “Someone is at the DOOR! Someone is at the DOOR!” said Dumbcat. And immediately spun around in a circle and hid under the end table. Then he realized the end table has really high legs, and everyone could SEE him, so he disappeared. I assume up under the couch where he goes.

Mom and Dad took THREE TRIPS to the car to get all the presents. THREE TRIPS! Wait, I will show you the stack of presents.

Also there are two on the tree. That’s a lot of presents, yo.

I asked Mom, “is there one of these you want me to open now, so you can see my excited face?” but she said I could wait until Tuesday because she knew I would be sadface on Tuesday.

(The presents on the far right are from BFF, who mailed them about a week and a half ago and said I could wait to open them until Tuesday. Because he is the best. One of them I know what it is; the other is a SURPRISE. I do love surprises from my loved ones. Well, if they’re good surprises, I guess. Bad surprises can both suck it and bite me. This one’ll be good, though.)

THEN – this is even BETTER, seriously – Mom had this bag? And in the bag was ALL THE THINGS I NEEDED TO MAKE CHRISTMAS FOOD. Both breakfast AND dinner. (I guess lunch is on its own.) There was even a little ham. A little wee one-person ham! SO CUTE. And side-dishes and a teeny-tiny thing of coffee (aw!) and there were totally even things so I could make hors d’oeuvres. YOU GUYS. Is this not the nicest thing EVER? Yes. I’m not even going to tell you that I didn’t cry over that as I was putting it all away. There were VEGETABLES. Actual VEGETABLES! I don’t even…you GUYS. That is the NICEST. I was going to eat leftover CHINESE FOOD. Or maybe a LEAN CUISINE.

Like this. Totally Christmassy, no? What? No? Ugh, why so judgey?

Like this. Totally Christmassy, no? What? No? Ugh, why so judgey?

Then we went to lunch. I actually was hungry for food so we went and had food at a place that sells that. There was a salad bar. The bacon was very far away from us. This made dad upset. “Why are they HIDING the BACON?” said Dad. So he totally persevered and got ALL THE BACON. Which, when I think about it, is probably why the bacon was so far away. Because people don’t want to work so hard for it so they don’t eat ALL of it. Well, they underestimated Dad, now didn’t they?

Don't you hide that bacon from Dad. Don't you even.

Don’t you hide that bacon from Dad. Don’t you even.

And Mom ate all the garlicky biscuits while Dad and I made gaggy noises because they smelled SO GARLICKY. Like, imagine putting your nose in a container of garlic salt. GAG GAG GAGGGGG but Mom said they were very good. She’s a weird one, that Mom. Then she put the last one in her PURSE and when they got home, Dad was all, “YOUR MOTHER IS EATING THAT GARLIC THING OUT OF HER PURSE AMY” and then I laughed and laughed.

ALL THE GARLIC ALL OF ITTTTT

ALL THE GARLIC ALL OF ITTTTT

Then I got home and Dad made me teach him Facebook and Twitter which was…entertaining. Mostly it involved him saying “I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to friend anyone. I don’t want to follow anyone. I don’t want to say anything. Why’s Facebook asking me ‘what’s going on?’ That’s none of Facebook’s business. What do you mean, ‘do I want to put any personal information on Facebook?’ Like what? WHERE I LIVE? No. I don’t want to do that. No not at all. This is all very worrisome and I hate it. Close that right now. CLOSE IT.”

So now I am going to bed, and I work for three and a half hours tomorrow (I can totally do that, right? Right. I can stay upright for hours at a stretch now, and I’m barely coughing up a lung once an hour, so it should be FINE) and then I’m off for a day and a half. So THAT will be nice, right?

Plus Tuesday there will be PRESENTS. Maybe if you’re totally well-behaved you’ll get to see them. Or even if you’re a little naughty. I don’t mind a LITTLE naughtiness.

Sigh.

No, Ding Dong Joe.

No.

Put that away.

That was not an invitation.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

38 responses to “Presents and bacon and vegetables and a wonky vaccuum: must be Christmas Eve!

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Yes, that’s a Finnish Christmas card. Of sorts. ‘Hauskaa Joulua’ means ‘Merry Christmas’ in Finnish. (Although I imagine you might have figured that out for yourself..)

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Wait. Hold on just a second. You’re working Boxing Day? Really? What would there be to do in an office on Boxing Day?

    • lucysfootball

      Silly Andreas. I’m Merkan. We don’t have Boxing Day here. We have Christmas Eve (if we’re lucky, I got a half-day) and Christmas; then it’s right back to work.

      I do get New Year’s Day off next week, though.

  • becomingcliche

    Merry Christmas! LOOOOOVE presents!

  • 35JupiterDrive

    If it makes you feel any better, Christmas is cancelled for me too. No Christmas. (sad face) I feel like I should be a grown up about it and it’s not like I have anywhere to put anything as I am probably still in temporary housing and am going to have to move again at some point but I still feel sad face. I’m not feeling very brave little toaster at all!

    Onnellinen uusi vuosi, Andreas,iloinen christmas?

    We can see I don’t actually speak Finnish. But perhaps my translator does? We can hope?

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, it’s the worst, isn’t it? I wish brave-little-toaster feelings for both of us. But it’s tough to be stiff-upper-lippy when everyone’s all home-for-the-holidays-ing and you’re…well…not, I guess.

      Next year will be better. For all of us. I’m sure of it. 2012 started, middled, and is ending badly; 2013 has got to be better than this.

      Right?

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      I don’t actually speak any Finnish either, as I live in a Swedish speaking part of Finland, but I’d venture that phrase means something like Happy new year? So a very Happy new year to you too! And hope you’ll find somewhere permanently to live soon.

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Garlic biscuits? I like your mother more and more.

    (Speaking of biscuits: you eat them like food, right? Savoury stuff? With gravy or something? Not like condiments? Or perhaps both? Now I’m all curious and won’t be able to sleep.)

    • lucysfootball

      I’m glad I had a half-day today and I was able to answer this to put your questions to rest; I can’t imagine how guilty I’d have felt if you’d spent a sleepless night over the biscuit situation.

      Both as appetizers and as food, I suppose. These were appetizers; brought out at the beginning of the meal. But you can get biscuits with your meal, too, especially with your breakfast (like biscuits and gravy, but that’s more popular in the south.)

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    By the way: did I even thank you for wishing me Merry Christmas? *reads through comments* I did not. I’m an a-s-s-h-o-l-e. Sorry. And thank you!

  • sj

    I love that your dad ate all the bacon. Did he make your mom hide some in her purse? That always happens to me when we go to buffets. “HERE, PUT THIS IN YOUR PURSE!” [sigh]

  • elaine4queen

    today is xmas eve. ten is at his mum’s because – polish. he will be force fed pickled fish.
    i vacuumed the flat with possibly the best vacuum cleaner in the world. it is meile. what happened was that no matter what kind of brand i bought, i was kind of going through about one a year, and living in misery a lot of that time. then i had an AWAKENING and i bought the one i used to use when i was a cleaner. job done. if i could buy shares i would.
    i did dog walks, but it’s not been the best weather. it’s mine and poppet’s third anniversary today. we spent most of the day on the bed with the internet and radio plays and a heated blanket.
    i am jealous of your big mound of presents. ours is modest, but then i only give to direct family. i am getting a kobo from my mum so i will have to get all into the ereader stuff – it’s the pocket sized one, because i do pockets not bags.
    i started a blog post but seem to have spent all day on twitter and WWF.
    OH WELL!

    • lucysfootball

      If anyone force-fed me pickled fish I would be the most repulsed.

      I asked for a new vaccuum for Christmas. One of these boxes seemed quite heavy (or Dad was pretending to labor because he thinks that’s funny.) I’m hoping that’s a vaccuum. It’s large enough to be one. *fingers crossed*

      I will let you know what the pile of presents is. Mom is good at practical things I need. Dad gave me a MYSTERY ENVELOPE (not a mystery – it’s money.) He’s also buying me new tires later in the month. The BFF presents are an utter mystery and I’m very excited.

      I also spent all day on a blog post and I still don’t like the result. My brain’s not in the game today. It’s off pondering other issues of the day.

      HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY TO YOU AND THE POPPET! And most merry of Merry Christmases to you tomorrow! (Well, it’s today for you now, I guess!)

Thank you for commenting! I love your comments and I love you. No, not YOU. Yes, you. If you leave a comment full of jackassery, I'm either deleting or publicly mocking that sucker - so, stop, think, and don't be a douchecanoe. Otherwise, gold star right at the top of your paper! Good job! Kisses!

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