Well, I finally did it.
No, not that.
NO, not that other thing.
I DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS.
And now I am exhausted and I need a nap.
HOWEVER, I thought you’d all like to see the journey to Christmas cheer, Lucy’s Football style.
You would, right? Sure you would. Plus you kind of get a backhanded tour of my teeny-tiny totally messy home with things all over the place in it because I don’t know how to clean up and/or put things away and there’s no room for anything.
(Plus cue the Christmas music. Or put on a Christmas movie; I’m watching It’s a Wonderful Life. I had to keep stopping to watch it. Mostly the scene where they kiss for the first time. Oh, I like that so much.)
THE JOURNEY TO CHRISTMAS CHEEEEEEEEER (ZOMG)
First I had to do the little things. I was working my way up to the tree. The thought of the tree was tiring. I worked all day today. And people were SHOUTY. And we had a lot of calloffs. And it was busy. And I have a headache, I can only assume due to not enough sleep this week. I hope to sleep for a billion hours tonight.
These are some candles. But they aren’t REALLY candles. They are ELECTRIC. Friend R. sent me these one year. I like them because they are cheery so I put them out in front of the television.
This is a weird snowman-thing. I don’t know where I got this but I found it in the Christmas crate and I was like, whatever, it wants to come out so it did. Also, there’s some bubble wrap. Andreas is totally jealous right now because he wants some bubble wrap to play a work-prank with. Sorry, Andreas, if you lived closer you could have that.
This is a random jingle bell I hang on the doorknob. It fascinates the cat and makes him go crazy. He thinks it means an angel is getting its wings, apparently, all season long or something, I don’t know. But whenever I come in or out, he RUNS over and looks at it like it’s the second coming. It’s quite worrisome.
This is Dumbcat looking up at the sound of the jingle bell. See? OBSESSED. That thing on the floor is his catnip fish. He used to love that until he licked out all the catnip smell so now it’s just a faded memory of something he used to love.
These are Christmas magnets on the stove. Why? I don’t know. Someone gave them to me once, and I was all, what the hell, the stove is metal.
THESE ARE MY MISTLETOADS.
Now, I love all things frogs and toads (and also turtles.) My mom knows this. So one year, she bought me this thing, and it’s HORRIBLE, yet I LOVE it. These are toads that have some wacky wordplay involved and they have plastic mistletoe over them. I think you’re supposed to kiss people under this. I’ll let you know if I ever get someone kissable in my house.
I love my mistletoads. You be quiet.
This is my stupid card-holder thing. It looks better once it’s filled with cards. There’s a turtle over it because the rest of the year, that’s where the turtle lives and I’m not going to move him for a month just because Santa is here, that’d be absurd.
Here, here’s what it looks like with cards in it. (I’ve gotten quite a few cards over the past month but wouldn’t open them until I hung this up. Here are some thing I learned when I opened them: one had a lot of money in it, and two were so covered in glitter there is now glitter all over where I eat my breakfast. One of these things was delightful yet a little worrisome and the other made me FURIOUS. Who thinks a card covered in glitter is a good idea? It’s like they HATED me for Christmas.)
I couldn’t figure out how to turn off the flash, so ignore the glare. See? With cards in it, it’s not as heinous. (I have another one of these around the corner from this one. It’s not this fancy. That one’s for overflow cards.)
This is my stocking. I just hang it up because it’s green and fuzzy. I can assure you I don’t assume Santa’s coming. It’s hanging from my turtle instrument thingy that The Nephew’s mom sent me from Jamaica. I don’t know how to play that thing but sometimes I make it make music and it makes Dumbcat come over and glare at me. So apparently it’s not pleasing music, then. That house-thing over it is supposed to tell you the weather but it’s broken so it always says it’s a heat wave. But my grandmother had one when I was little and I loved it, so I keep it around even though I can assure you the current temperature of 27 degrees is not a heat wave.
Ugh. That’s all the little crap. Now it’s time for the tree. Grumble grumble.
My cheap plastic tree is in two parts. Here’s the bottom part. And the best part of this photo is that I’m being stalked by the cat in the corner of the photo. With his evil glowing eyes. He totally wants to eat my soul.
Here’s the tree all plugged in. What, it’s pre-lit. I AM NOT SCREWING AROUND WITH YOU, CHRISTMAS. Also, putting lights on a tree is tiring. That’s a photo of my mom from high school up there. She had a bouffant. It makes me laugh. Also, we have the same smile.
Now, it’s time for…
What could it be? It looks OLD.
Hmm. It IS old. It was purchased from Ames, which went out of business about ten years ago. (If you are my grandmother, you called Ames “t’Ameses.” As in, “We’re going t’Ameses to buy some undershirts.”) And it cost $1.04. What the hell costs $1.04 nowadays? Nothing does, is what.
Wait, that’s not even the best thing about this.
It was made in WESTERN GERMANY! Well, THAT’S exciting. Kind of vague and could be anywhere in Western Germany, but I feel like this mystery thing traveled a long way to make it to me.
You’re so curious about this right now, aren’t you?
Ready? Ready to meet the best thing?
Well, wait no longer. Please let me introduce you to:
This is THE JAVELIN. My brother and I call it this because one year, my mother replaced our traditional Christmas star on top of our tree with this thing. And my brother was all, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. Where is our star? WHY IS THAT THING UP THERE?” And Mom was all, “I found this upstairs, I thought we’d change things up this year” and I said “Yeah, nothing screams Christmas cheer like topping your tree with a javelin.” Then my brother and I had an inappropriate giggle-fit for like an hour and every time we’d walk past the tree we’d be all “javelin!” and then laugh and laugh and Mom was all “STOP THAT” and then it went away and never came back until I bought my own tree and my Dad snuck this into my Christmas stuff so when I unpacked when I got home I was all “I OWN THE JAVELIN NOW!”
Also, it’s kind of an antique and it’s made of blown glass and I’m shocked I haven’t broken it yet.
And shh, don’t tell my mom, but it’s really kind of pretty. And I like that it’s German. It makes me feel all bon vivanty.
This is the tree topped by THE JAVELIN. See? It’s kind of nice. And also would be a very good weapon, in a pinch.
Then I had to take out all the ornaments. This takes a very long time and also means there’s a lot of reminiscing and also some giggling. You’ll see.
This is a Christmas cactus that BFF sent me. Aw, BFF. I love you and your joyous lit-up cactus.
This is a plastic Grimace from McDonalds they were giving away in 1983 (I only know this from the back of the ornament, it’s not like I’ve memorized this) in Happy Meals. It’s SO TACKY. Which is why when my mom was throwing it away, I was all, NO DON’T YOU EVEN DARE and I ganked it from the trash. A purple plastic 80s Grimace! Who has one of these on their tree? Probably only me. I’m ok with that.
Friend R. made me this one year. It’s an ark! With my NAME on it!
She also made me this. I think this penguin is supposed to be eating a fish but mostly it looks like there’s some naughty interspecies blowjobbery going on. It’s a Christmas EUPHEMISM.
This is the best thing, because see how it’s all blurry? That’s because you plug it into a Christmas light and Winnie the Pooh and friends go around and around in the little snow globe thingy. It makes me smile.
This is my leg lamp that friend Mer gave me last year. I love it irrationally. Also, this photo is very artsy and I think should win awards.
This is a Christmas frog wearing a scarf. I have six of these things. Did I mention I like frogs? Because I DO.
This is a very adorable penguin that I love. Look at that face. Aw, you GUYS!
I find things like this in some of the ornaments and then I cry a little every year. See, my grandmother loved Christmas. Loved, loved, LOVED. She went all out every year. She decorated better than anyone in the world. And we’d all give her ornaments as gifts. And she’d write things in them to remind her who gave her each one. So I got some of them when she passed away, and when I open some of them I find notes in my grandmother’s handwriting, and then I feel like she’s here with me. I miss her the most. She was joyous, my grandmother. And brave and wicked and funny and intelligent and she loved me so ferociously. I miss her at Christmas the most.
Then I found this, and I was lost; ALL the tears. Because last year I thought I’d lost it but really it was under another thing and I found it.
My grandmother had these things made for each of her grandkids when we were born. Then every year, it was a tradition for her to have us each put up our own ornament with our name on it when we came to her house for Christmas Eve. She’d say, “did you put up your ornament?” and as we got older, we’d roll our eyes, but we always did it. (We were too cool for school, you see.)
So when she passed away all the grandkids got their own ornaments and now I have my own ornament and I put it up on my own tree and last year I thought I lost it and I was kind of heartbroken but then I found it. Look. It’s a Christmas miracle. I don’t think we’re supposed to be crying while we decorate the tree, are we? Probably not.
Let’s talk about something happier. This is my best thing. Every year I take this out and I laugh and laugh. And it’s another thing my mom was going to throw away. That makes me mad. Why doesn’t she care about heritage, I ask you?
When my brother was little, he hated all things artsy. Like chorus and art class and pretty much anything but gym and maybe learning a little math. School was not my brother’s favorite.
So one year, at Christmas, they “forced” (per my brother) the class to make ornaments for their parents. Here’s my brother’s. He was probably 4 or 5 at the time.
IT IS THE PISSIEST SOLDIER EVER.
Look at this thing’s mad face! SO MAD! It also perfectly sums up my brother in one little craft. This is the face my brother makes most days. I like that thirty years or so ago, my brother was already this little cranky person, AND HE HAS NOT CHANGED.
I put this on my tree every year. Happily.
NOW WE ARE DONE. The tree is decorated! WAIT! You want a big picture, right? Sure you do.
From far away…
Artsy closeup shot…
So pretty, right? SO PRETTY.
Then, THEN, the MINUTE I WALKED AWAY, this happened.
He’s been under the tree since I finished with it. He is currently sound asleep under it. He apparently has more Christmas spirit than ANYONE. He’s in LOVE with the tree. In LOVE.
There you go. MY HOUSE IS DECORATED. And at the end of the month, I have to take it all down. I don’t…let’s not think about that right now.
MERRY NINE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS MY LITTLE PETITS FOURS!