Monthly Archives: December 2012

Last year’s words belong to last year’s language

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

New Year’s Eve always makes me all reflective. Like those strips on your running shoes so cars don’t hit you in the dark.

Super-reflective and artsy as shit.

Super-reflective and artsy as shit.

Tomorrow is for looking forward; today is for looking back.

2012. What can we say about 2012?

2012 was a roller coaster of a year. And listen, it is a fact about old Lucy’s Football that she HATES roller coasters. They make your stomach hurt, they bounce your head all around, they dig your earrings into your neck and they make you dizzy. I’d rather walk through the animal barn at the fair or something, that’s less distressing and sometimes you get to pet some sheep with their warm fleecy wool and soft noses.

Aw, sheepers! *pet*

Aw, sheepers! *pet*

There were good things this year and there were bad things this year and I’m still not sure if I consider it a win or a loss, to be honest. I’d like to say it’s a wash, but I don’t know if that’s the case, even.

But let’s not make this TOO depressing right out of the gate, right? I mean, do you come here for total depressing navel-gazing? What’s that? Sometimes you do? FINE, never let it be said I don’t deliver.

Let’s go through the highs and lows of 2012, yeah? It’s the day for it if there ever was a day. Tomorrow we can optimistically opine about 2013 but today we can look back on the year that was.

Fired. There is really nothing like being called into a conference room with your boss and the HR rep and to be told you are not only being fired, you need to be out immediately. And then being escorted to the door because you’ve possibly become a scary liability who might cause some sort of scene. In this economy, it is one of the most frightening things ever. Especially when you totally kind of brought it upon yourself because the reason you were fired was ostensibly for too much internet usage and also blogging at work even though you kind of weren’t REALLY blogging at work, only writing the drafts there and setting them to publish during work hours once you got home at night, and the only reason you were using the internet at work at all was because there was very seldom enough for you to do and the days stretched out looooong in front of you.

However, when you hated the job – and I mean hated, hated, HATED, to the point you had to pep-talk yourself into going in every morning and not sit in the car weeping, you kind of think, huh, maybe this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened, on some level. Then the unemployment stretches for about four and a half months, and you spend a month of it sitting on the couch so depressed you can’t take a full breath or move and all you want to do is sleep, and the remaining three and a half months working 50-60 hours weeks just to pay the bills…well, you get tired. July to December was a very long stretch, and a good third of my year. It’s hard to look back on 2012 without thinking of it as the year I lost a third of it to working too hard and being technically unemployed and worrying. Constantly. From the minute I woke up to the minute I fell asleep.

It’s not all bad, though. If I hadn’t had that part-time job that became full-time when I needed it to, I would have been living in my car, or back home with my parents. I was lucky to have it. It saved my life and sanity.

Hired (x2). But for every bad, there’s a good. Finally, after months and months of worry and work and toil and trouble, I was lucky enough to find not only a full-time job, but a wonderful full-time job, with people I love, doing something I enjoy, at a location I really like, getting paid enough money to not only live on, but live on comfortably. I pinch myself daily. I’ll never think I deserve nice things, and when they happen, I always wait for the other shoe to drop. I still wait. I have one ear out for that other shoe at all times. I feel like it’s going to be a very loud, very clunky platform sandal of some sort.

Or a big ol' loafer.

Or a big ol’ loafer.

Not only did the amazing job come through (thanks to theater friends) but ANOTHER job came through thanks to theater friends and I now can say I write for the paper. And I get to see plays for free, and review them, and people can read what I’ve written, and how much that actually influences people, I don’t know, but it’s what I do that I love more than anything else. When you have a job that doesn’t at all seem like work…well, you might be the luckiest person alive. It’s what we all want, isn’t it? It’s what I always dreamed of for myself, a job that I loved, that I’d do even if they didn’t pay me. And I have one now, even if it’s very much part-time.

Friends. Any recap of 2012 would not be complete without mentioning the friends that have walked through it by my side. I’ve made friends this year (one of whom is, I’m quite sure, my sister separated at birth – sj, my love, what would I do without you? I can’t even imagine) and become closer than I ever thought possible to others (Andreas, my beloved Science Fellow from the land of the Finns, you are a blessing I will never stop being thankful for), both near and far. I know some of the best people in the world, both that I’ve met with my face and that I’ve yet to meet but talk to on a daily basis. I’ll never stop being grateful for this; I’ll never stop being a little tearful when I think of how lucky I am.

I have also lost friends this year. It’s the way of the world, I think. Life’s constantly changing; things happen, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the…well, not-better. People change. You change. Whether you want this to happen or not. Sometimes you can fight this; sometimes you can win. Sometimes it’s beyond your control and you lose, or you’re just so tired of fighting the inevitable you just give up. Sometimes the loss is a good thing. Sometimes the loss leaves you unable to breathe and with a heart so filled with sorrow and regret and memories that sneak-attack you when you least expect it that you don’t know how you’re going to pick yourself up from it because you never imagined a life without that person in it. But you do, of course. Pick yourself up from it. Of course you do. Life goes on. It’s what life does, right? No matter how shattered you are inside, life just keeps on truckin’. And every day things hurt a little less, until the most hurtful thing that’s left is how something that once mattered so much is now no more than a distant ghostly memory.

Sometimes being an adult is all eating chocolate for dinner and staying up past your bedtime and sometimes it’s the deepest sadness you can imagine. We don’t tell our children this when they’re little. Otherwise they wouldn’t want to grow up, now would they?

Book. For all of the other things it was, 2012 was the year I finally had a book I’d written published. It is possibly my proudest moment of not only the year, but of my entire life. Holding a book in my hands I’d written…hearing from people who’d read it, talking to them about words I’d written and labored over and worried about and lived…seeing reviews of it go up, seeing it hit number one in the Kindle store, even if for a very brief period of time…absolutely amazing. All of it. I’ll never get over that as long as I live. Thank you to all of you who bought it and told people about it and geeked out with me about it. You helped make a dream come true. Someday maybe I’ll do it again, who knows? Life’s a funny place, really. You never can tell what will happen.

That’s one big apple. It wasn’t a year of much bon vivantery, but the teeny amount I got to do was awesomeness. I got to go to my favorite city in the world and meet one of my favorite PEOPLE in the world, my wonderful Susie. And we had a day of adventure and walking and talking and shopping and eating and so many things. Say what you will about the interwebs, but if you do it correctly, you can meet the best people the world has to offer. My Susie is one of those people, and meeting her in person just proved that. Love you, Susie!

Blog. What would a year-in-review be without talking about what takes up a majority of my free time, this here thingamabobber? The day in 2011 when I decided, “what the hell, let’s start a blog, Ms. Amy, what have we got to lose, really?” will live in infamy as the day a very silly off-the-cuff decision led to rewards beyond imagining. Without the blog, where would all these words in my head go? Without the blog, how would I have met all you wonderful people? Without the blog, how would I be this person I am now? The answer to all of those questions is a big old, “I don’t know.” A lot can live in an “I don’t know.” A lot of emptiness and sadness. I love it here. I love what we’ve all built. I love every bit of this. Thank you all for being part of this. Without you, it’d be a lot less fun, now wouldn’t it?

Half an hour trumps three and a half hours. As of two days ago, The Nephew and his mom have officially moved half an hour away. Half an hour is much better than three and a half hours, visiting-my-favorite-person-in-the-world-wise. I’ll be polite. I’ll give them some time to settle. Then I’m going to show up like the magi bearing gifts and I’m going to read him books and play with him on the floor and giggle with him and tell him stories and big words that thrill him and I will be happier than all the things in all the land.

So if we weigh the good and the bad…well, I guess the year was a wash, all-told. But not the awesome kind of Wash like on Firefly.

More than ready for my 2013. Big plans for you, year. BIG OLD PLANS. Starting with a whole day off tomorrow in which I will do whatever the hell I want.

Hope you all had the best 2012s known to man, and that your 2013s are amazing wonderful sparkly affairs full of wonder, mystery and magic. It’s all I want for you, really. It’s not too much to ask, right? Right.

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Never eat shredded wheat: a sign my brain is broken.

Are there only two days left in the year? Really? Huh. That’s…kind of abrupt, really, right?

Today we had blizzard number two in the week of blizzards. Well, I guess two blizzards doesn’t really make it a WEEK of blizzards but if you hate driving in snow so so much it seems like it. Also, this is the flu that will not stop, and I am FREEZING. Which is not like me, as I am usually warm like a little stove. So that’s been fun with the cold cold snow and the having to clean off the car and such. Leave it to me to fall in love with a place that is so COLD this time of year. Brrr.

This photo was in the Times Union. This happened to my car once. It was not easy to dig out of, I can tell you right now.

This photo was in the Times Union. This happened to my car once. It was not easy to dig out of, I can tell you right now.

So far, however, I have not slid off the road or into anything, so I consider that a winter win so far. WINNING WINTER!

I have had a very long day and kind of want to go to bed soon so we’re going to ramble for a bit and then wind this up and go to bed. I know. Sorry, lemon drops. My brain’s scattery today and I want to put on pajamas and fall asleep so I can turn my brain off for a bit. YES! I KNOW! It is SHOCKING, even old Lucy’s Football gets weary, even though she seems like she might be like the Energizer Bunny sometimes. It is true. And I am especially weary right now.

SO, apparently, they still want me to review at the paper, because I got two more assignments next month. YAY! It is by far my favorite thing ever. One of my assignments is going to be VERY exciting because it’s not only at a new theater I’ve never been to, it’s in a TOWN I’ve never been in. An hour away! Well, THAT’S exciting! I wish it was during the day so I could enjoy the drive more and see all the things to see. When I told Dad this, he said “Where is it?” and I said, “Far.” “FAR IS NOT A DIRECTION!” he said, and laughed and laughed. But to me, far TOTALLY is a direction. Without my GPS, I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, seriously. So I looked it up and I said, “It is…um…never eat shredded wheat NORTHEAST FROM HERE.” And Dad said, “What the hell? Shredded wheat? You sound like Rainman.” and I said, “Um. Heh. Yes. This is…how I know…the points on a compass?” “The…what is wrong with you. What are you talking about? You’re going insane,” said my supportive father.

I also think Compass Rose is one of the most beautiful names for anything ever.

I also think Compass Rose is one of the most beautiful names for anything ever.

See, you know how you get a map, and sometimes there’s a compass on it, and sometimes there isn’t? But usually there’s at least something that points north so at least you know which way is north. Anyway, a very helpful friend in college who was also one of the best artists I have ever known taught me that there’s an easy way to remember the points on a compass: clockwise from the N, you say “Never Eat Shredded Wheat.” See? North East South West. Now I KNOW some of you don’t NEED this trick and probably just know the points of the compass like all intuitively or whatever, and to that, I say, huzzah to you. I am the kind 0f person who not ONLY needs this little mneumonic trick, but ALSO needs to hold up her left and right hands at times, make an “L” out of her thumb and forefinger, and knows which one is her left hand by which hand has the forward-facing “L”. I refuse to think of this as a SHORTCOMING, per se. I think of this as freeing up my mind for more important things, like the lyrics to “Everybody Wants Something” from Degrassi Junior High episodes in the 80s and every hurtful thing everyone’s ever said or done to me and how it felt to see my very first movie in the movie theater when I was four. These things are IMPORTANT. More important than knowing which foot to put in when someone says to put your left foot in, come on. When’s that going to come in handy? Weddings? Well, that’s dumb, I’m not participating in that shit.

Shut up, it's totally a thing, I found this on a kids' learning site. IT IS A THING!

Shut up, it’s totally a thing, I found this on a kids’ learning site. IT IS A THING!

Anyway, once I explained this to Dad, he was SO DISGUSTED, and he said, “You’d better not go anywhere without your GPS. You scare me. YOU SCARE ME. Shredded Wheat. Even your MOTHER knows the POINTS on a COMPASS. Even! Your! Mother!”

Sorry, Dad. I am a total disappointment, directionally.

I am also reviewing a show at the fancy theater in Schenectady, which is always a joy. AND, I totally bought tickets for a show ALL ON MY OWN which was exciting because I could afford to do so for once. YAY ME! So I get to see at least three shows next month!

AND, in news of VERY EXCITINGNESS, I totally made the leap into the 21st century and made a major purchase last week. I have been tracking it ever since; it’s set for delivery Wednesday.

KINDLE FIRE HD!!!!!!

KINDLE FIRE HD!!!!!!

ZOMG I KNOW!!!!

Not ONLY am I FINALLY getting an ereader, it is also kind of a TABLET and does things like CONNECT TO THE INTERNET and I can tweet and Facebook and such on it. And watch television and movies and listen to music and ALL THE THINGS YOU GUYS. And isn’t it so PRETTY? I am so excited. It’s my Christmas present to myself. I even did research and such. Also, my library has an excellent selection of e-books to check out for Kindle, and this is awesome, because I can totally get books from the LIBRARY for it. Don’t worry, paper books will still happen. But I’ve been coveting one of these for a while, and it’s been a tough go for a while. I deserved a present. And I had the money to GET that present. I’m kind of so excited I’m bouncing. I’m sure I will tell you all about it until you are all SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID KINDLE.

Today is “Amy lazes on the couch and finally watches The Avengers” day. I finally got it from the library, it only took a bazillion years. I am very excited and might not even change out of my pajamas all day. That’s a lie, I hate being in pajamas all day. I feel gross and like I stopped trying. When I was so sick and didn’t feel like changing I couldn’t even call the Chinese food deliveryman because I was all pajama-d up and felt repulsive and didn’t want anyone seeing me like that. I KNOW! I COULD NOT EVEN ORDER SOUP.

That is enough rambling. I have important things to do like eat popsicles and catch up on episodes of Grimm (MONROE!!!) and then go to bed. I know, I really live quite a charmed life, no? Happy last Sunday of the year, all. Enjoy your day!


Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 11)

Howdy, chicas and…um…chicaroos, I don’t know. Bet you know what’s about to happen, right? Right. It’s like clockwork, this thing. I’m about as predictable as the TIDES, I am.

Time for your most burning questions to be answered! Not THAT kind of burning. I think they have cream for that, Ding Dong Joe.

So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. What, you might want that, maybe. You might be new or young or lost or super-innocent or something. I can’t guess these things. I am not a psychic with a crystal ball, although that would be a lot of fun.

Ooh, this will be me when I'm old! Nice career move, yeah?

Ooh, this will be me when I’m old! Nice career move, yeah?

Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And mostly it is the best time ever, except for those other best times you might be having in your life, I suppose.

And, AND, before we get started – today is a very special day. IT IS DUMBCAT’S BIRTHDAY. He doesn’t want me to tell you how old he is, but he’s totally 13. According to this handy website, that means he is 68. So he’s totally a grumpy old cat-man and will start chasing kids off his lawn soon and complaining about the rising price of Dentucreme. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HANDSOME MAN! I love you more than any animal ever and you are the most wonderfully silly 68-year-old cat who ever fell off the bookcase and then hissed at the bookcase for being too tall.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. How this happened, I do not know. It’s one of those mysteries, like how I always seem to lose one of my spoons when I look for it. No, seriously, I have like this one favorite spoon and it’s always missing? Where does it keep going? And then it comes back? And THAT’S weird, right? No? FINE I THINK IT IS BITE ME.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP GOING, SPOON?

WHERE DO YOU KEEP GOING, SPOON?

Today we’re going to do things a little differently, because the questions came up a little different. WHAT? AMY! WHAT HOODOO IS THIS? Just roll with it, jellybeans, you’ll see.

obnoxious christmas letters why Um. I assume you’re talking about those letters that some people put in their Christmas cards that tell you about what happened to them and their family that year? I don’t think they’re obnoxious, I think they’re nice. I mean, I think sometimes they’re a little extraneous – you could just write “Happy Holidays” and probably no one would care – but I don’t hate them. I know someone who writes the BEST one each year. I always look forward to it. (I think he reads this, too, so if you’re reading, P., don’t you dare stop, those letters are the BEST THING.) I mean, maybe you’re friends with some obnoxious people and that’s why their letters are obnoxious? Or maybe their lives are great and yours isn’t and you’re all bitterness? I don’t know. I often think we need to look inside ourselves for the answers to our questions. Maybe do that. You’re welcome. Merry Christmas, cranky.

adventure time who stole the pant hose I’m going to assume you mean “pantyhose” because I’m somehow the go-to for pantyhose searches since I mentioned them like TWICE or something, sheesh. And I had no idea what Adventure Time was so I looked it up and apparently it’s some show on the Cartoon Network about a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Which totally sounds upbeat, no? My goodness. Anyway, there was a plotline about pantyhose on this show? What is HAPPENING on the Cartoon Network? Pantyhose and mushroom clouds? I found this screenshot of some Adventure Time game for you.

This show looks like a fever dream or maybe an acid trip. There’s a talking cinnamon bun, apparently. So I guess I can’t answer this question, you have to play the game to find out. Sorry. You’re welcome, are you a grownup watching The Cartoon Network? Shady.

how to bow out of the yankee swap?  Don’t show up to work that day. You can’t bow out otherwise, because people will think you’re like a scroogey grinch and they’re scream things at you like “DON’T YOU LOVE FUN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU” and it’s just the worst. Just develop a convincing fake cough, and don’t go to work that day. You’re welcome, I’m sorry. I know they suck so bad.

Remember how Michael was so mad he got an oven mitt? Oh, "The Office" used to be funny. Sigh.

Remember how Michael was so mad he got an oven mitt? Oh, “The Office” used to be funny. Sigh.

how to make a fat bitch scream in a car Well! I’m thinking probably call her a “fat bitch” and she’ll get loud. Seriously? WHO THE HELL TYPED THIS INTO A SEARCH ENGINE. Do you mean “scream” like in a sexual way? Are you a psychokiller and this is research for a murder? WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS? The answer to your question is, shut the hell up, asshole. You’re welcome, I hate your stupid face.

how to stop notifications keeping me awake Uh…turn your phone off when you sleep? You’re welcome, this seems self-explanatory?

some people just want to use you lyrics from what song I can’t find any songs with these EXACT lyrics, but I’m thinking maybe YOU’RE thinking of “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics? That song says “some of them want to use you” in it, and it’s what I immediately thought of when I saw this search. I mean, I’m sure there are other songs with similar lyrics, but I’m thinking this is the most popular one.

And as nice as the Eurythmics song is, the version of this I love, and will ALWAYS love, is Marilyn Manson’s version. I don’t love all of his music, but some of his songs really hit me in just the right way. This is one of them. You’re welcome, enjoy.

what parasite is killing me Oh, honey, I need more information than this. Although the way you phrased this makes you think we’re related because this is totally the most hypochondriac way to phrase this and I love it. I’m thinking you need to go to the hospital and get some tests done? Because if you really think you have a parasite killing you, I’m thinking you should probably get that taken care of. Tout suite, mon cheri. (Once I watched a dramatic reenactment, SIDE NOTE, on a show, about how people were eating tapeworms to lose weight and then putting steak by their bed when they slept and the tapeworm would come out when they slept and they’d lost enough weight and as I watched this HORRIFIED at the end they said, “This doesn’t really happen, though, it’s an urban legend.” WAY TO TELL ME THAT NOW. I’ve been having nightmares about that shit ever since.) You’re welcome, go see your doctor or maybe a vet. Vets know all about parasites.

This is Tickles the Tapeworm. HE WANTS TO FEAST ON YOUR INSIDES! But is also the cutest.

This is Tickles the Tapeworm. HE WANTS TO FEAST ON YOUR INSIDES! But is also the cutest.

what was wrong with the doll on the island of misfit toys Well, one time I blogged about this and my buddy Chris said she had some sort of mental illness, but then this Christmas I read somewhere her problem was that her hair wasn’t neatly braided. Because dolls need neatly-braided hair? I think it’ll remain a mystery. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW. Mostly, what was wrong with the toys on that island is that they were too cool. Much cooler than regular toys. I would love to a., live on that island, and b., own any of those toys. I’m totally a misfit toy, yo. You’re welcome, it’s a MYSTERY.               

See? She's got like wonky braids? I used to have those as a kid. My hair won't hold a braid no matter what you do with it. It's slippery, my hair. And poky-outy.

See? She’s got like wonky braids? I used to have those as a kid. My hair won’t hold a braid no matter what you do with it. It’s slippery, my hair. And poky-outy.

when is maalox coming back Well, according to this site (I know it’s Canadian, but read it, it’s about MERKA, too) there’s only one plant that makes all the Novartis products. My Maalox; sj’s Excedrin. No over-the-counter heartburn stuff works as well as Maalox. It’s a sad truth. There was an issue back in January; some glass got into some of the products. The company SAID they were “upgrading the facility” and I suppose they might have been, so that the glass incident didn’t happen again. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t get my Maalox and sj can’t get her Excedrin and WE ARE NOT HAPPY. However! Just the other day she sent me a glee-filled email saying “EXCEDRIN IS BACK!” Her dad got a sample of Excedrin in the mail! Which would not have happened if they weren’t making it again! And I read in two different places that all the Novartis products are slowly supposed to be hitting the shelves starting in October so it should be ANY DAY NOW!!! Whew, I am so tired of the stupid store-brand non-Maalox that tastes like chalk and doesn’t work. You’re welcome, should be soon soon soooooon.

Come back, Maalox! I miss you!

Come back, Maalox! I miss you!

NOW. Remember a while back I blogged about the Facebook “people you may know” feature? It still gets hits daily. This thing apparently FASCINATES people. And, with this one post, I have become the go-to person for all questions about how to use Facebook. As someone who has a lot of trouble navigating the Facebook forums even for the EASIEST questions, I’m totally down with helping you with these questions and/or mocking you. Let’s see how this works out.

when i click on people you may know am i sending them a friend request? No. You’re just looking at their profile. So you’re either stalking ‘em or checking ‘em out to see if you actually DO know ‘em or Facebook is being weird. (SIDE NOTE: yesterday, Facebook wanted me to friend a theater acquaintance of mine. Which, fine. If he hadn’t died probably four years ago or something. So THAT was creepy.) You’re welcome, click away. Just don’t click on the “send a friend request” button unless you mean it.

This made me laugh. LOOK AT ALL THESE FRIEND REQUESTS!!!

This made me laugh. LOOK AT ALL THESE FRIEND REQUESTS!!!

25 people you may know facebook? I’m confused about this question. Why 25? I have a lot more than 25 when I click on that “see more people” button. Do you only have 25? Maybe you only know a few people? I’m not really sure what you’re asking. Sorry. You’re welcome, be more specific next time.

facebook got a friend request then all my fiends list popped into her people you may know why OK, first, “fiends” made me laugh SO HARD. That’s one of my favorite typos ever. Yes. Let me get over my giggles and answer your question. I’m going to assume that you accepted her friend request. Otherwise this wouldn’t have happened. Once you friend someone, Facebook assumes you “know” them. And it’s a fair assumption, yeah? You friended them, after all. So they therefore assume you “might” (people you “may” know) know all of her friends, and vice-versa. Do you? Probably not. I mean, who knows all of a friend’s friends? Only weirdos and stalkers, I’d think. I don’t know all of my friend’s friends. I don’t even know all of my DAD’S friends, or whatever. So just ignore the people on that list you don’t know. They’re not hurting you. Unless you hate them. Then I think you can x them out or something so they don’t pop back up. You’re welcome, don’t sweat the small stuff. (Also, “you may know why” makes me laugh, and I DO know why.)       

This made me laugh. I think because of "wanker." Heh.

This made me laugh. I think because of “wanker.” Heh.

how do people you may know block show on fb This is worded oddly so I don’t really know what you’re asking. Did you block someone and they’re still showing up as someone you may know? Or are you wondering, if you block someone, will YOU still show up on THEIR “people you may know” list? I can’t answer either of those questions, to be honest. I don’t know that I’ve ever blocked anyone on Facebook. I’ve not accepted people’s friend requests, but they mostly left me alone after that. And I don’t know if you’ll still show up on someone’s list if you block them from yours. That’s a tough one. Facebook’s a good place for stalkers, I think. You’re welcome, if you’re having a serious issue with something scary, please contact Facebook about it.            

Ooh, look how handy. IT'S A LITTLE INFOGRAPHIC!

Ooh, look how handy. IT’S A LITTLE INFOGRAPHIC!

unfriend me and you spy on me facebook how to stop this Again, worded oddly. Let’s parse this sentence, such as it is. Someone unfriended you…and they’re still spying on you? OK, well, how do you know they’re still spying on you, did a mutual friend tell you, or something? I guess that’s neither here nor there, really. How to stop this. THAT I can answer. Set your whole wall to “friends only.” Then go to your homepage and choose the option where you can “see the page as” and type that spy’s name into the bar. It will show you what that person sees when they visit your page. Then you can individually go through and click whatever elements are left and block those from him/her, as well. The only things that HAVE to show up are your sex and your cover/timeline photos. You have no control over those. If I look at my page as “public” (how any Joe off the street would see it) those are all I see. And a couple of polls I voted in. And my subscriptions, which I don’t care if people see – meh, if people know I like whatever music I like, it’s not going to kill me. I blog about that shit on the regular here anyway and that’s all out in the open. I have everything else hidden because it’s none of anyone’s business. You can also (if you have some nosy friends that you can’t unfriend for some reason) set this so that it looks like this for your friends, too. So if your nosy Aunt Matilda is always reading your updates and telling everyone about them in a weird gossipy way, but if you unfriend her it will cause World War Three at Thanksgiving, you can make it so she can’t see anything you do. She’ll just assume you don’t update anymore. Whee! Unfortunately, if you comment on anything a mutual friend says, your spy friend can see that. I think – but am not sure – if you block her, she can’t see anything you do. It might be worth a shot. Sorry this is happening. People are total assholes sometimes, yeah? You’re welcome, just ignore her – people like that feed from attention like vampires.

And there you have it! Not only QUESTIONS, but FACEBOOK questions! I know, this is really one-stop shopping right here.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered by someone with love in her heart and a very fat unintelligent cat on her lap. No. No, that wasn’t a euphemism. Dumbcat’s sound asleep on me right now. He’s more than ready for me to end this post. He needs PETTING, yo. It’s his BIRTHDAY. He says to tell you he’ll accept crunchy treats and also feathery toys, but leave them at the door, please. If you come in he’d have to hide in the pots and pans cupboard because STRANGER DANGER.


An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 18)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Well here we are at December. It is the waning of the year. In happy news, the days are officially getting longer. In sad news, well, everything else, I suppose. It’s dark and it’s cold and there’s all the snow and things aren’t…um…the cheeriest? I guess? Well, maybe they are for you, I don’t know your life. But still we soldier on, you know? It’s what we do. I mean, what’s the alternative, curling up in a ball and being all doom and gloomy? Give me a break.

SOOOOO EMOSAD!

SOOOOO EMOSAD!

There were a lot of searches this month and most of them were just totally perplexing and I don’t know how people got HERE from THERE, to be honest. Sometimes I read them and go, OH! and sometimes I read them and go, huh? Hmm. There was a lot of huh-ing and hmm-ing happening in Casa del Futbol this month. (I don’t even care if I spelled that right or used the words correctly, sorry. BFF would know. Did you know BFF is fluent in espanol? Si, senor, esta en fuego. Again, that’s probably wrong. I just like to say en fuego a lot, because it’s the only thing I really know in Spanish.)

En FUEGO!

En FUEGO!

In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the eighteenth one. As you can tell from the title. SNIFF MY BABY IS A GROWNUP NOW! Can vote and go fight for the country and EVERYTHING! Aw, they grow up so FAST, don’t they? Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Because I was promised there would be a dessert bar. Where the hell’s the dessert bar, I ask you?

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Oh, shush, wait til you see how long this is already. Seriously, it’s cuckoo-bananas long this month, you guys. The original document was fourteen pages long in Word, I’m not even kidding you in the slightest. WE MAKE CONCESSIONS WHERE WE CAN.

Category the First: Thanks, darlin’!

love you my friend you always make me laugh

I thought we’d start this out on a high note. I love YOU, my poor lost searcher, even if you weren’t looking for me when you typed this in. I try SO HARD to make you laugh. I’m glad I’m a success. Even if you’re not talking to me, I’m going to pretend you are. SO THERE I CAN. It’s my blog.

Category the Second: Meh.

i’ll just borrow a book tomorrow

This is very lackadaisical. Eh. I’ll just borrow a book tomorrow. Today I’m too busy sighing deeply and moping and dying my hair jet black.

Category the Third: ME TOO

i hate sweet potatoes
not enough sleep and i’m shaky

I ALSO hate sweet potatoes. I won’t eat them. No no not me. And I have not been getting enough sleep and am TOTALLY shaky and when my awesome boss was training me today I was holding in yawns and I felt terrible because she wasn’t boring me at all, I just can’t sleep because of the coughy coughing. STOP THAT LUNGS.

Category the Fourth: You could just go ON Snopes and search for this stuff, you know

beyond belief fact or fiction snopes
snopes nutella orangutan

I like that someone went to Google or some search engine and searched for Snopes things when they could have just gone to Snopes. That’s ok. I’ll Snopes them for you.

Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction was that terrible Fox show that would say something like “A GIRL! Saw a BLOODY GHOST! And it WARNED HER OF HER OWN DEATH! Then she DIED OF BLOODINESS! Fact? Or FICTION?” And then at the end of the show they’d say, “Fact.” And you’d be all, “WTF, SHOW. No it was NOT.” Snopes has very little to say about this show, other than to debunk a couple of the things they say were true. (I was OBSESSED with that show. Because it was TERRIBLE and the acting was SO FUNNY and it was on Sunday mornings when I would eat my breakfast and I would laugh and laugh.)

Bad puns like this happened a lot, too. This show was a hoot.

Bad puns like this happened a lot, too. This show was a hoot.

Snopes has no idea what you mean by “nutella orangutan” and said “SORRY NO” when I tried that search. I did a separate search for “nutella” and one for “orangutan” and had no luck. Well, there were stories about the two, but nothing linking them. Now I’m insanely curious, lost searcher. AH I SEE! Apparently people are saying “Nutella is the reason orangutans are endangered” because there’s a ton of palm oil in Nutella and so they’re destroying rainforests to get the palm oil and therefore killing off all the orangutans. Dammit. Nutella’s super-good, yo. And as a side note, I can’t imagine it’s the only product that uses palm oil.

Category the Fifth: Hee!

hedgehog euphemism funny
hedgehog in a monocle t-shirts (5)
hmm thanks for the cake but wheres my presents
i totally got it
lemur pun          
lions thrown on rudolph the red nosed reindeer characters
lucy is not bipolar            
only boy hair     
people laughing at badminton
picts of a sexting baby  
poison dart frog enemies            
pug wearing jeggings    
schnozzle-knot
sit on doll squash doll
there there ugly bald puppy      
zoooooooooo porno

So much wacky this month. SO MUCH.

There were a lot of hedgehog-related quotes this month. Which I like. I don’t know that I know any hedgehog euphemisms. Well, I guess you could see how far you could go with “prickly.” The word “prickly” is always kind of euphemistic. As for a hedgehog with a monocle…and so many people wanted this…is this a thing? Is this a thing now?

All I could find in relation to that was this thing which kind of sucked. Instead, please have this hedgehog in an egg cup.

Why? Oh, because LOOK HOW CUTE, that’s why.

I like “I totally got it” because it sounds like I was searching my own blog.

“Lemur pun?” Sheesh, I’m terrible at puns, I’m no help at all. So just lemur alone. (Ugh, SEE? That doesn’t even LOOK like “leave me alone.” I have NO IDEA how to make lemur into a pun. My Uncle J. would. He’s the best at the wordplay. Just the best.)

The idea of lions being thrown on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer characters made me laugh until I choked. Just PITCH that lion at them. Just THROW it on in there.

I am NOT bipolar. No. Correct. Neurotic and sometimes depressed, but not at all bipolar. I’m almost always partly manic and almost always partly depressed, I don’t fluctuate between the two. I had a test once, they said no, no. You are not bipolar. And I said, ok then, thanks.

ONLY boy hair. No other kinds. Gotcha.

Is people laughing at badminton like women laughing alone with salad? I like to imagine it is.

HA HA HA SALAD!

HA HA HA SALAD!

How would you know the baby was sexting and not just texting? Are you reading what he’s saying over his shoulder? Because that’s rude, give a playa some privacy, yo.

POISON DART FROG ENEMIES! They would totally hide around the corner from each other and dart the hell out of each other, you know they would. They would be like the Crips and Bloods of the dart-frog world.

"Did you HEAR what Franklin said about you? OMG, Jimmy. OMGGGGG!"

“Did you HEAR what Franklin said about you? OMG, Jimmy. OMGGGGG!”

Oh, pug, don’t wear those jeggings. You’re chubby, they’ll look terrible on you.

Schnozzle-knot? I call your nose your schnozzle. You can’t tie that into a knot. What are you calling a schnozzle? This is weird but also made me giggle.

Sit on doll; squash doll. It’s a fact of life. A sad, sad fact.

There, there, ugly bald puppy. It’s ok. You can borrow those jeggings from the pug up there, those might make you feel sexy.

There are so many “o”s in that “zoooooooo porno” that I can’t even hate it. It’s so CHEERY, you know? And gross. But CHEERY!

Category the Sixth: I feel like this is very deep, if only I could understand it 

you have zones friends you have plus friends and you have your mines

I don’t understand this, but I feel like it’s probably something I NEED to understand. Like, “zone friends” and “plus friends” and then there’s this “mines,” whatever that is. I feel like if I understood this, the key to friendship would be in my hand, and I would get it. I would just GET it. And all would be made clear to me. And I would no longer have to spend precious time or energy figuring shit out, because I WOULD KNOW.

Category the Seventh: YUM

criminal minds reid kiss 
eric balfour shirtless

There was an episode of Criminal Minds where Reid kissed a girl in a pool and I almost DIED OF THE HOTNESS. I replayed that scene like fifty times. I’m not even embarrassed about it. (Is anyone watching this season? I missed a couple episodes early on – or maybe even last season. And I’m a couple months behind, so don’t spoil me. Who’s the chick he’s talking to that he has to talk to from pay phones who told him she loved him in the last episode I watched and I squeed? Some weird doctor? Where’d he meet her? I missed the episode where she was introduced, apparently! Argh!)

He was wearing all of his CLOTHES in the pool THIS WAS THE HOTNESSSSSS

He was wearing all of his CLOTHES in the pool THIS WAS THE HOTNESSSSSS

Also, Eric Balfour gets hotter with every episode of Haven I watch. I have no idea what’s happening on that show at this point, AND I DO NOT CARE. Because, ERIC BALFOUR. (Also, it’s good. I’m just confused as shit. I feel the same way about Fringe.)

Here.YOU ARE WELCOME!

Here.YOU ARE WELCOME!

Category the Eighth: Fun with foreign languages

freka peg
fruhstuck lucy   
joulupukki
odin tattoovorlagen

Some of these look like they might belong to Andreas, right? Let’s SEE!

“freka peg” IS NOT A FOREIGN WORD EW. It’s a gastro tube for feeding people who can’t eat with their mouthholes. What the hell? How’d that bring you here?

“fruhstuck lucy” means breakfast lucy. You may certainly BRING me breakfast, as I’m often too tired to make it; however, you may not EAT me for breakfast, Cannibal McGillicutty. As for breakfast in bed, let’s see how things go first, don’t go using your Jumping to Conclusions mat just yet.

“Joulupukki” brought me much joy because it is a Finnish term that means “Christmas goat” or “Yule goat” and then randomly Wikipedia said “over time, the figure became more or less merged with Santa Claus” and I don’t know if something like that just HAPPENS, you know? How does a goat merge with a man? Ew, not like THAT. Also, Wikipedia dropped this kooky nugget of info on me that Andreas never told me: “There is a long Finnish tradition of persons dressing in goat costume to solicit or perform for leftover food after Christmas.” WHAAAAAT? Oh, I want someone to come to my door in a GOAT COSTUME begging for FOOD! Come ON!

“odin tattoovorlagen” means Odin tattoo templates in German. Listen, you don’t want your tattoo to look like everyone else’s. Be original, my little German body-arted friend. The template art is for the unoriginal. Promise.

Category the Ninth: Please don’t

children’s tubetops

Don’t put your children in tubetops. You’re just asking for trouble. That child will grow up into an ADULT who wears tubetops and possibly picks up cigarette butts out of the Walmart parking lot and SMOKES THEM. Because YOU couldn’t put her in a nice teeshirt. Don’t you feel terrible now that you’re bailing her out of jail for like the fortieth time, Mom?

Category the Tenth: No, “they don’t”    

feminism “hate men”

Not if they’re doing it right, they don’t. Don’t be an idiot. Feminists hate stereotypes and they hate being treated like inferior members of society and they hate a lot of things, but men aren’t one of the things they hate. Unless they’re assholes. And yes, there are feminist assholes. Everyone can be an asshole, no matter what group they identify with. True story!

Category the Eleventh: Huh.

badass man wearing cardigan    
barbie really squirts water          
bumbler/woo pig
bump uglies gunk
custodian mom sayings about kids
end of the world cakes 
finnish flag marijuana    
frederic remington when his heart is bad
fun alcoholic drinks for yankee swap      
hobo totally drugged
i miss lucy tyson so much
if the underware you are wearing could talk       
im an aunt, so hes the nephew
monkeys with glow in the dark feet       
movies containing pantyhose    
mule (ass) in pen
scary furries     
tubetop sheer
varys full body

There were a lot of weird searches this month, as you can see. And perplexing ones.

Can a man be truly badass and also wear a cardigan? I mean, not badass in an ironic Mr. Rogers way, either. Food for thought, I guess.

Jon Hamm. Is he badass? Aw, who cares, he's prettiness.

Jon Hamm. Is he badass? Aw, who cares, he’s prettiness.

Bumbler woo pig. I don’t even know. Like, in a romantic way? Hmm. I think we don’t need to think more about this. What’s a bumbler? Like a bumble? Or like Dumbcat when he knocks over all the things? I really don’t think we need to think more about this I said.

Bump uglies gunk. Heh. OK, then. GUNK.

Custodian mom – like a foster mom? Why do you want sayings? What does this mean, are you cross-stitching a sampler?

Ooh, I want end-of-the-world cake. Is there ice cream, too?

Why are you bagging on the Finnish flag? What does it have to do with marijuana?

Seriously, you have to be doing something MORE than marijuana to think this looks like marijuana.

Seriously, you have to be doing something MORE than marijuana to think this looks like marijuana.

This is Frederic Remington’s “When His Heart is Bad.”

How this got you here, I do not know.

There is nothing fun about Yankee Swap, it’s torturous and evil. Also, why does everyone want alcohol given to them at work, that’s confusing to me. Buy your own hooch.

Probably there’s nothing funny about totally drugging a hobo except the word “totally” makes me laugh like a moron so there you go. “That hobo was TOTALLY DRUGGED, yo.”

According to the internet, Lucy Tyson isn’t a famous person. Did someone hit the internet and just put in the name of the person they miss? That’s so sad. And sweet. And sad. I wonder if I do that it will make my lost-and-gone-forevers come back to me, like a magic 8-ball or a witches’ cauldron or something.

If my underware (learn to spell, weirdo) could talk they would tell you to stop thinking about them, they’re none of your concern.

If you are the aunt, he is the nephew. Probably. Unless he’s your dad, or a man off the street. This reasoning is flawed.

Monkeys! WITH GLOW IN THE DARK FEET!!! That’s terrifying.

Stop being obsessed with pantyhose, creepers. And eunuchs. I got a lot of eunuch-searches this month.

Can you imagine how not-hot a sheer tubetop would be? Because the girls would be all squished? No thanks.

And here. I found these furries for you and was saving them. You’re welcome.

Category the Twelfth: Depends. Who are you?

did i piss you off

I was trying to think if anyone pissed me off this month, and other than a couple random annoyances, the answer is YES A COUPLE OF PEOPLE DID. So if this is YOU, one of those people, yes, yes you totally did. The rest of us are cool, though.

Category the Thirteenth: I’m sorry, lovely. Life is a hurty place, no?

i’m lonely & i miss u        
i’ve finally decided it i’m going to kill myself         
really depressing crap
such a relief to give up hope
you may know me but you have no idea who i am

I’m sorry you’re lonely. Please don’t kill yourself, nothing at all is worth that. “Really depressing crap” made me laugh a little, sorry. “Such a relief to give up hope” – well, in some cases, yes, actually, it is? It’s a load off. And in most cases, no, it is not, because you need to have hope burning, just a little, because it keeps you going. So don’t give it up completely. Unless the thing you’re hoping for is ridiculous, and deep down you KNOW that thing is ridiculous, because then when you finally let that go you feel really, really free. And honestly, this last one – yeah, I get that, babe. I get that. I totally get that. I’m sorry. All I can say is, find some people you DO let know who you are. Maybe not everyone…just a few people. But be selective, as people are tricksy beasts and sometimes they break your heart into a million pieces if you’re not the most carefulwith your choosery . But I do promise you’ll feel better in having let some people in. It’s exhausting wearing a mask all the time and you can’t always keep up your walls.

Category the Fourteenth: OK, I won’t? Thanks for the warning?

hey don’t make me put you on my shit list

Whoo, thanks for letting me know I was walking a fine line, there, because I sure wouldn’t want to wake up one morning and find out that BAM I’d been put on someone’s shit list WITHOUT ANY WARNING. I mean, how would THAT feel? I’d imagine pretty terrible.

Whoo, that was a long post. I had a lot of searches and it’s way past my bedtime and I’m cranky as all get out so here we go, Polly Sunshines. Love your faces.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)


The most important thing is that people read…

“[D]on’t ever apologize to an author for buying something in paperback, or taking it out from a library (that’s what they’re there for. Use your library). Don’t apologize to this author for buying books second hand, or getting them from bookcrossing or borrowing a friend’s copy. What’s important to me is that people read the books and enjoy them, and that, at some point in there, the book was bought by someone. And that people who like things, tell other people. The most important thing is that people read… ” — Neil Gaiman

Now, it wouldn’t be the end of the year without an end-of-the-year best-books post, would it?

Here’s the problem, though.

I was totally broken this year and read NO BOOKS.

Well, I read SOME books. But I used to read hundreds of books a year. I’m not even exaggerating. I just counted, and this year I read – ready? it’s totally embarrassing – 53.

Fifty-three books. This is utterly shameful.

Here’s the problem. The stretch of unemployment (or, I guess you could call it, overemployment, as I was working a LOT) kind of made it so I had a choice: read or blog. Or, I suppose, read and blog and don’t sleep. But sleeping isn’t really something that’s on the table and able to be cut, you see. And that was a big chunk of my year. (4.5 months! That’s over a third of the year!) Since I started working at my new job, I’ve had a little more time (not a lot, but a little) and have actually read a few books (well, plays, but that’s what I have to read right now – I’ve mentioned, I think, we’re in the middle of play selection at the theater so I have to read a billion plays so we can decide what we’re doing next season…but I have high hopes that once that’s over, I can read REAL BOOKS again) since. So I have high hopes for 2013 and upping my number from – UGH – 53. FIFTY-THREE. What am I, in KINDERGARTEN? This is EMBARRASSING.

Also, my most abject apologies to my beloved Susie, because this lack of reading means I can’t write reviews for Insatiable Booksluts, and oh, I want to. So badly. I feel terrible that I haven’t been able to. Because it’s something I love doing. Writing for IB is one of my proudest achievements, and I’m not able to do it right now. So, yeah, that’s kind of killing me.

But! Like an intrepid soldier! I went through my meager list of books and picked out the top ten books I read this year, because I’ve done this every year since I moved here, and I didn’t feel like I could stop now, even though I embarrassed myself with the number of books I read this year. 2013! I WILL CONQUER YOU BOOK-WISE!

So here are my top ten books of the year – again, much like the music post, these books weren’t necessarily published in 2012, but I read them this year, so they make this year’s list. Amazon links included for those of you who like such things, of course, and in case you end up with a bunch of giftcards for Christmas and are wondering, hmm, what should I BUY with these, I wonder?

10. Us – Michael Kimball (my review of this one at Insatiable Booksluts here)

I like books that make me cry. I like all things that make me cry, let’s be honest. Television shows, movies, music, books. This made me cry. It’s a teeny little book about love and the fragility of life and how well we know the ones we love and it just tore me apart. It was so beautifully written. Just an absolute gem of a book.

9. Deathless – Catherynne M. Valente

This is a gorgeous retelling of Russian folklore. I’m a sucker for anything fairy-tale related, and this one doubly won, because I wasn’t aware of the fairy tale it was based on (the Russian tale of Koschei the Deathless) so it was all new to me. And it was beautifully written – it had a very modern-fairy-tale feel, with just enough mystery and magic and romance to make my heart swell. I loved it so much. (sj, if you haven’t read this one, I think you might like it – I know we both have a love for all things fairy-tale related.)

8. Zazen – Vanessa Veselka (Susie and I discuss the book at Insatiable Booksluts here)

This is a dark, poetic, powerful book. It’s an alternate reality, but not so far from our own, in which bombs drop all the time and it’s just the way things are; people live in constant fear, talking about leaving, going somewhere that’s safe – but where’s safe, really? The narrator is lost, but trying her hardest (oh, how I relate to that) and the writing is just gorgeous. This is the author’s first book – and if a book like this is your first book, whoa. Good for you, you know? Think of what you can do from here. The mind utterly boggles.

7. Wildwood – Colin Meloy

I’m fairly sure this is for children. I don’t even care. It made me happy. Prue’s younger brother is kidnapped by a murder of crows and brought into the Impassible Wilderness just outside of Portland, Oregon and she has to go rescue him with the help of her friend Curtis and some totally kickass talking animals (oh, you know I love talking animals.) It’s also written by the lead singer of the Decemberists, which kind of makes me smile, because you can sing AND you can write? Well, you might just be the perfect guy, I don’t know. (I like The Decemberists. I don’t LOVE The Decemberists, but I like them very much. I appreciate what they’re doing. I’m just waiting for that one perfect song from them, I guess. In the meantime, I like what I’ve heard.) Plus the illustrations are GORGEOUS.

6. Warm Bodies – Isaac Marion

Yes, yes, again, I think this is for the kiddos. Well, the kiddos of the young-adult variety, anyway. Don’t care, loved it. It’s zombie fiction and it’s a love story and it’s WONDERFUL. The zombie apocalypse has hit, and we’re seeing it from the zombies’ point of view – or one zombie, really. And that zombie falls in love with a human girl. And that love starts to change him, somehow. And it’s not at all cheesy or stupid or childish. It’s funny and dark and twisted and intelligent and it made me both laugh and cry and I was so happy I gave it a chance. Also, the trailer for the movie actually looks pretty decent. A little campy, but good. And it has John Malkovich in it! Come on, you know I love that. WHO DOESN’T LOVE THAT!?!?!?!

5. Americas – Jason Lee Norman (review at Insatiable Booksluts here)

I’ve been randomly thinking of this book on and off all year. It’s just that good. It’s lyrical and poetic and beautiful and it will make you laugh with the discovery of new and magical things and it will make you cry with the realism and heartache and sorrow. I can’t recommend this enough. Just a perfect little book. I can’t wait to see what Norman comes up with next; I predict great things.

4. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened – Jenny Lawson (review at Insatiable Booksluts here)

This book made me laugh probably harder than anything I read this year. Also, it hit me out of nowhere with sneak-attack tears, but mostly all the laughter. You all know Jenny Lawson as The Bloggess, and I’m sure most (if not all) of you read this book this year – it made a LOT of best-of lists this year, and with good reason – but if somehow this book escaped you this year, please do yourself a favor and pick it up. It’s funny as hell. You deserve that, don’t you think?

3. Citrus County – John Brandon (review at Insatiable Booksluts here)

Such a gorgeous, sad, beautiful book. Written so, so well. And just utterly filled with longing. Longing so thick and so deep it just welled up and off the pages. You could feel the humidity of Florida and you could hear the insects and you were just utterly immersed in that longing for something not…quite…tangible. And when the book was done, it stayed with you.

2. Gone Girl – Gillian Flynn

I love Gillian Flynn, and have read (and enjoyed) all of her other books – but this one. Whoo. I can’t even describe. It brought you one way, then another, and I am not even a thriller person, and her other books weren’t so much thrillers, and this one was, and holy HELL but did this book work for me. I had no idea where it was going or what was coming next and I could not put it down. And it wasn’t like one of those thrillers that you buy because you’re about to get on a plane and there’s nothing else in the store and it’s KIND of thrilling but meh, throwing peanuts at the guy sitting across from you on the flight would be, too, I suppose. Nope. This was well-written and twisty and intelligent and not your typical stupid thriller. This woman can WRITE.

1. In One Person – John Irving

I loved this. Well, it’s not overly surprising – I mean, I’m a total John Irving fan, I’d read anything he’s written, gladly. But this one hit all the right levels with me. I related to the characters; it had that gorgeous Irving storytelling I know and love; a very gay-friendly storyline; a lot of big, deep thoughts and ideas that made my headarea super-happy; and there was a section in the middle with some flirting that was completely conducted with German poetry. Oh, well THAT made me grin. Then also cry, because it was so melancholy and also beautiful. Nice job, Irving. I will continue to read anything and everything you publish until the end of all time.

So, there. I read a few other wonderful books this year, but these are the top ten. And next year there will be more. THERE WILL. I have the BEST OF INTENTIONS ABOUT THAT. *shakes fist at world*


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