You all love the sex posts, don’t you even deny it. FINE, I love your faces, today’s sex-news day. Are you all so excited right now? Thought so.
Did you know if you do a search for “sex news” almost every single article is about sex offenders and then if you do a search for “weird sex news” you want to bleach your eyeballs? Just looking out for you all. As I do.
OK, so today, we have penguins, using Craig’s List inappropriately, things that are better than sex, and porn-headaches. I know! We’re really quite busy, we’d better dive right in. Wear your floaties, though, I don’t think you want to get your face in this water. Gack.
OK, first: things that are better than sex. Whoa, nelly, calm down, I can hear you all now. NOTHING IS BETTER THAN SEX NOTHING. Well, apparently you’ve never had gelato while actually IN Rome, or really, really bad sex, but I digress.
According to this article, the new it thing is to put out a survey saying that things are better than sex. Cell phones. Bacon. A night of good sleep.
However, what’s tricky is that the people putting out the surveys WORK for the bacon, cell phone, and mattress companies. OOH! That is a total misuse of science. AND sex. BAD studies. BAD.
However, I just have to say, sometimes? I’d rather have some delicious bacon than sex. Bacon is DELICIOUS, you guys. There’s very little in the world I love more than a perfectly crisp piece of bacon, except for maybe MULTIPLE pieces of perfectly crisp bacon.
As for my cell phone, well, if it was a one-time thing, sure, I’ll take the sex. But if I was told, hey, you can have EITHER all this sex, OR your cell phone, one or the other, FOR EVER AND FOR ALWAYS, I would choose my cell phone. What would I do without my cell phone? I can live without the sex. I am CURRENTLY living without the sex. It’s totally doable. It’s not like you shrivel up and die. I mean, it’s not OPTIMAL, but it’s doable. However, living without a cell phone would be bad bad news. How would I repeatedly check all my social networks? How would I get my email in a timely fashion? It’s not like I can carry around my laptop everywhere I go. There’s not wifi in all the places. There’s cellphone service almost everywhere. Except where my parents live. And listen, when I go to visit them for more than a couple of days, that is VERY DIFFICULT. There’s no internet except for dialup. There’s no cellphone service. It’s like someone shut off my brain. I have to do things like TALK TO PEOPLE and READ BOOKS and THINK QUIET THOUGHTS. It’s kind of like living in an abyss. It’s worrisome.
And a good night’s sleep? I can’t think of too many things I wouldn’t give up for a good night’s sleep. Oh, how I want one of those. I haven’t had one of those since I was probably 13. I’ve had some nights that were better than others, but a good night’s sleep? I don’t even know if I know what one of those is anymore, it’s been so long. Oh, how I want one of those.
So, even if the science and the sex are all nefarious, I think there’s something to it. You might THINK there’s nothing better than good sex, but if you think about it rationally, there are a lot of things that are more important. A lot of them. However, if the good sex wants to come over and visit sometime, I wouldn’t send it packing.
Next: this is not what Craig’s List is for. Or maybe it is. But, either way, ew.
In Mesa, Arizona (Mesa is next to Phoenix. Guess who lives in Phoenix? No, guess. NO GUESS. BFF does! BFF, did you know about this ickiness?) three people were arrested for – ready for this? - “conspiracy to commit bestiality.” CONSPIRACY! A CONSPIRACY!
There was a couple, and their “friend,” and they put an ad on Craig’s List that said “Wife looking for K9.” Apparently, the woman wanted to have sex with a dog, while her husband and lover watched. Well! That’s…um…disgusting.
An undercover cop answered their ad and was all tricky and said, “I HAVE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER” and they were like “AWESOME” and set up a meeting in a super-classy hotel and then instead of Fido the Love Puppy showing up, it was the po-po. Uh-oh.
Here are some awesome quotes from this article. Whoever wrote this had WAY too much fun.
What a bunch of animals.
The wild kingdom sex-session never went down.
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio called the three “a different breed, that’s for certain.”
Sickos trolling Craiglist to find animals to bed has been a problem in Maricopa.
Dear BFF who also happens to live in Maricopa County: please make sure your dog is safely locked inside your house at night. I don’t like the sound of this at all, and I like your dog a great deal. Ew, not LIKE like. Like, like a NORMAL person likes a dog. Gross. I live in ALBANY County. We don’t screw the pooch here. That I’m aware of.
Next: a hidden danger of porn. HIDDEN DANGERRRRR!
In India, a man was watching porn (as you do) and started getting SEVERE HEADACHES. This has been going on for two years. But, instead of – well, doing the one thing that would stop the headaches – NOT WATCHING PORN – he’s been bouncing from doctor to doctor trying to figure out how to make the ouchy stop. Because, well, porn, yo.
But we’re jumping ahead. Our Bachelor #1 ”experiences ‘severe, exploding’ headaches that develop gradually and peak about 10 minutes into a sex scene.” Heh. Exploding. Develop gradually. Peak.
The headaches were so bad the patient actually debated stopping watching porn. I know. I KNOW. Such sadface.
To avoid forgoing porn altogether, the man was advised by neurologists to take the equivalent of about 30 painkillers a half hour before turning on a video, the study says.
Researchers found that oddly, sex or masturbation didn’t trigger the headaches – just the porn.
I think maybe in India, way too much time is being spent on Lonely Boy Porn Headache McGee, don’t you?
So, what’s going on with our sad little friend who just wants to watch some moneyshots? Any guesses?
Nah, don’t worry, the doctors in India are pretty lost, too.
They suggested it could be from changes in the pain-sensing nerves in the face and jaw, which become more sensitive in a heightened emotional state, MyHealthNewsDaily reported.
Huh. So if we’re aroused, our facial nerves get all sensitive? I guess. That seems suspect. My guess? It’s GOD. God JUDGING him. For watching EVIL EVIL PORN.
Or maybe he’s making it up so he can talk to strangers about porn, masturbation, and sex, who knows.
Finally: shocking penguin sex that is SHOCKING.
In 1910, George Murray Levick went to the South Pole on an expedition. While there, he got to study Adélie Penguins.
Some of the activities of the penguins totally shocked the good doctor. He was SO SHOCKED at how TOTALLY DEPRAVED the little penguins are, he took notes on those activities in Greek, and then when he got home, he tried to publish it, but the people of the time were all SHOCK FACE SHOCK FACE NO NO NO and only printed up 100 copies and handed them out all on-the-sly-like to a specific group of scientists. Recently, one of the scandalous publications came to light. Ready? Ready for it?
The happy little Adélie Penguins are TOTALLY NECROPHILIACS.
See, dead frozen penguins would be lying on the ground, and they’d be in a similar position to live penguins waiting for some hubba-hubba lovin’, and so the boy-penguins would have sex with either live or dead penguins. They were not choosy. Because apparently they couldn’t tell the difference. My guess is, all the penguins are so cold up there! How would you even KNOW, am I right?
There were other things, too. Totally MORE scandalous things.
“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”
Whoa, penguins! You were TOO SHOCKING FOR THE TIMES, what with your necrophilia and sneaky fuckery and child abuse and sex FOR FUN!!! and – AND! – ZOMG, gay penguin sex!
I like to imagine all the serious science-types being all “oh NO! What’s this? My stars!” with their monocles and whatnot. Heh. Good job, penguins.
There you go, tigerlilies. All the sex for you. Is there anything better for you on a Monday than all the sex? I mean, Mondays are the suck, but with all the sex, they’re a little better, right? Totally are.
Happy all-the-sex Monday to you all! And if you can’t have all the sex, have some bacon or take a nap. Those are good, too.