This might be short. Well, let’s be honest, short for ME. Which is still long for NORMAL HUMANS. I have about an hour and a half to write this or else I’m going to miss MY PROGRAM. My program (shut up, I call the shows I watch “my programs,” I do that because my grandmother does and it makes me laugh and laugh, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST LAUGHTER) is Justified. There is no WAY I’m missing Justified. Sorry. Even though I love you all ’til my face hurts, Raylan takes precedence. I mean, look. LOOK.
So, in order to make my weekly date with Raylan, I’m giving you all short shrift. SORRY.
Oh, and before I forget, HAPPY LEAP DAY. According to 30 Rock, nothing we say or do today counts. So I guess do whatever you want. Make out with strangers. Eat tainted meat products. IT IS YOUR DAY.
Also, we’re supposed to get like 5-6″ of snow here over the next 24 hours? So I went to the store? And it was STOREMAGEDDON. Things I saw: a man lying down in the bread aisle throwing lower-level bread to his wife who was filling a cart with it; people yelling at each other at the deli for “cutting line,” a woman screaming into her cell phone about the upcoming storm in the ice cream aisle; and a woman randomly weeping in the cereal aisle. Also, they were out of my favorite popsicles. WHAT THE HELL. Less than a foot of snow makes people stock up on sugar-free popsicles? THOSE ARE MINE BITCHES. I felt like I’d entered a madhouse. I was scared. SCARED FOR MY LIFE.
Anyway, I totally have a theme and shit today, don’t even think I don’t. I mean, I stole it from Ken, but I still have a post idea. I think that counts.
Last week, Ken went to a one-man show which was probably not all that interesting for him, since he had to sit through it, but it was a hell of a lot of fun for those of us who follow him on Twitter because he tweeted the one-man show, so that was the best thing. It was like I got to go to the theater while sitting at work. I mean, how many people get to do that? Well, I guess people lucky enough to get paid to work in theaters. But other than that, NONE. So, thanks, Ken, for the awesomeness.
Anyway, at the end of the one-man show, the man (there was only one of him, hence the moniker) told a story about a rat. Well, some rats, I guess. Ken blogged it. You’re totally not going to click that, are you? I’m torn. I want you all to click, because you will all fall madly in love with his blog and then he’ll get CRAZY-ASS BLOG TRAFFIC which, let’s face it, he deserves. All my people that I follow do. I don’t follow just any yahoo, come on. What do I look like here, just some random blog-follower? NO I AM NOT. Anyway. Torn. OH YES. But if I DON’T put it here and you don’t click, then your’e going to be lost and nothing I say from now on will make sense and you’ll be all, “whaaa?”
OK, I’ll happy-medium this, how about that. I’m going to give you a TASTE of the story. You need to click the link I have OH SO HELPFULLY ADDED ABOVE and read it on Ken’s blog because it is awesome. The blog. Also Ken. Listen, I totally set my blog up so that it opens links in a new tab and everything, you won’t even lose me, I promise. You can just come right back.
OK, in a nutshell: scientists put a rat in water that it couldn’t get out of. It swam for 45 minutes and drowned. Then they did the same thing with a second rat, only after a little while, they put in a platform so the rat could climb out.
The next day, they did it again to that same rat, only they NEVER PLANNED ON PUTTING IN THE PLATFORM. But the RAT didn’t know that. So it kept swimming. And swimming. And swimming. For seven hours. Until it drowned. Waiting for that platform to appear.
OK, I’m not here to be all “animal testing bad” because I know there are scenarios where animal testing is important. There are some scientific discoveries we could not have found without animal testing. Some drugs that we’d have never known if they worked or not. There are situations where it’s necessary. I get that. Listen, I eat meat. I’m totally not crunchy-granola-hippy-commune-peace-love-dope. Don’t get all up in my grill, homeslice.
WHAT THE HELL SCIENTISTS.
This is CRUEL and UNUSUAL RAT TORTURE. That poor rat! Waiting and waiting and paddling and all, “where’s my platform? Guys? Guys? Did you forget me down here?” Ugh.
I get what they were going for? That, with the carrot (even imagined) at the end of the stick, an animal (human or otherwise) is capable of more than it even imagines? But this seems INSANE to me. An INSANE way to get there.
So then I thought, what the hell other shenanigans are scientists up to? I’d have asked Andreas but I was worried he’d tell me something I didn’t want to know like “grafting puppies onto kittens!” or something and I just don’t want to know that, Andreas, even if you ARE Lucy’s Football’s official science guy. But he’d totally say it in such an enthusiastic way I couldn’t be mad. I CAN’T BE MAD AT YOU ANDREAS! Wait, I was just thinking, maybe you should be Lucy’s Football’s science dude. I kind of like that. ANDREAS. What say you? Science GUY or Science DUDE? You could also be Science Guru but I think that makes you sound old and a little creepy, to be honest. But I’ll leave it up to you.
So I found this site that had some random scientific experiments on it and one was SO GROSS that I’m totally not even going to link to the site. But one was the funniest so I researched it and am linking to ANOTHER site because it’s too funny not to link to, seriously.
This is a recap of something from New Scientist. I think Andreas may have warned me against New Scientist. Or told me it was ok. I’ve already forgotten. A lot of shit comes in and goes out of my brain on a daily basis, it’s hard to process it all, honestly.
OK, this one’s only a wee bit cruel. There’s a little animal death. And there are some…um…little deaths. That will make sense if you like euphemisms. Or Sondheim.
So scientists (I’m not sure why. Because they could?) wondered, “what revs a turkey’s engine?” So they made a fake female turkey with removable bits and a male turkey humped the shit out of it because apparently male turkeys are horny as hell, I don’t know. Then they thought, “hmm, what if the lady didn’t have wings?” The turkey still did the nasty. No legs, tail, feet, etc. – that didn’t matter to our feathered lothario. The only thing the turkey needed to do his business? A HEAD AND GENITALS ON A STICK. Nope. I’m totally serious.
Then they did the mandatory “we’re scientists, might as well kill something” portion of the program by – well, here, I’m just going to quote this:
“Schein and Hale then went on to investigate how minimal they could make the head before it failed to excite the turkey. They discovered that a freshly severed head on a stick worked best. Next in order of preference was a dried-out male head, followed by a two-year-old ‘discolored, withered, and hard’ female head. Last place went to a plain balsa wood head, but even that elicited a sexual response. They published their results in 1965 in a book called Sex and Behavior.”
Um. This…seems like they thought it out. A LOT. I also like that they just HAPPENED to have a withered, discolored, and hard two-year-old turkey head just HANGING around like that. “Hey! Hale! CHECK IT! I KNEW this shit would come in handy, and you were all, ‘Schein, you’re such a HOARDER!’”
I guess my biggest question here is…who funded this? And how did it further science? Did we need to know these things? And if so…why? I bet Andreas knows. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.* (*the big bucks are Twizzlers. I pay Andreas in Twizzlers. I have yet to pay him. Don’t remind him, ok? I can’t be sending Twizzlers overseas every five seconds, am I MADE of Twizzler money?)
So then I did FURTHER research because I love you so much my little popcorn balls. Guess what I found. NO GUESS. Fine, fine, I’ll tell you.
Do you know about the Milgram experiment? I’m down with the Milgram experiment because a., it was on humans, b., I think it’s fascinating, and c., IT INVOLVES ACTING. OK, so in the Milgram experiment, which took place in 1961, there are three people. A subject, an actor, and the scientist. The subject is told that the actor (who the subject is unaware even IS an actor) is going to answer some questions. For every question the actor gets wrong, the subject has to give the actor a painful electric shock. The subject sees the shocks happening. The actor acts the shit out of the shocks. The subject thinks they are causing someone serious pain. With each question wrong, the voltage increases. The scientist keeps encouraging the subject to keep working.
What do you think the subjects did? Did what they were told – continued shocking the actors? Or conscientiously objected?
65% did as they were told. Sure, they were all questiony and “I don’t know, this seems wrong” and “um…I’m a little worried about that guy” and whatever, but 65% kept on keepin’ on, you know? Milgram thought this was fascinating and said a lot about obedience and command and authority. I totally agree. I am blown away by this experiment and have been since I was young and first read about it. (Also, women were more likely to follow orders than males. I’m curious if this was recreated today, the results would be the same.)
Were you aware that a few years later, a couple of other scientists were all, “Shit, we can top that” and recreated it?
No, I’m totally serious. Only, the puppies? WERE NOT ACTORS. And the shocks? WERE REAL.
Yep. Totally scroll to the bottom of that Wikipedia page up there, I’m not making anything up.
I mean, the scientists SAY the shocks were harmless. But the subjects were forced to SHOCK A PUPPY if the puppy didn’t stand in a certain part of a room. And the subjects got VERY UPSET. And cried. And tried to air-traffic-control the puppy through the glass separating them. And the puppies were YELPING.
But 50% of the men and 100% of the women participated until the very end.
No no no. No shocking puppies, please. I get what this was trying to prove – much as I get the rat thing – but PLEASE STOP IT.
Also, I know people are all “I would NEVER” yet the results prove you…well, would, you know? But you could not make me shock a puppy. Nope. Yes, I know. I put animals to sleep at the humane society. Totally different scenario; that was not PUPPY TORTURE. This was PUPPY TORTURE. And 75% of the people TOTALLY TORTURED BABY PUPPIES WTFFFFF. I don’t care WHAT scientist-dude was all, “this is important you must do this.” I don’t care if it was ANDREAS. My OWN BLOG’S Science Dude or Guy or Guru or whatever he decides. I AM NOT TORTURING A PUPPY.
OK. It’s Raylan time. Seriously, YOU GUYS. Boots. Hat. Gun. Last week HE TOTALLY TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF I AM SO NOT EVEN JOKING.
I know, I know. There are a LOT MORE THINGS we can talk about with weird animal testing. I’ll talk about it another day, promise. Until then, go back and look at the turkey sex photo. Seriously, I’ve been giggling about that for like an hour, no joke. THOSE TURKEYS ARE IN LURVE.