Let’s talk about Rudolph for a minute.
FINE, you know I never talk about ANYTHING for minute. Man, you know me TOO WELL. For a while, then. Let’s talk about Rudolph for a while.
Which Rudolph? Nureyev, what the hell Rudolph do you THINK? The REINDEER, you dolt, the REINDEER.
That special was on recently, and I know, I probably should have watched it? Because, get in the Christmas spirit! And, tradition! And, it’s kind of a musical! And, little puppet creatures!
But I kind of can’t stand it.
I know! I KNOW. That makes me a total heathen. OK, there are things I LIKE about that special. I will talk about them in a minute. But let’s talk about the shitty things first, ready?
This effing elf makes me INSANE with annoyance. First, there’s the voice, which is like nails on a chalkboard mixed with someone who doesn’t bother to blow their nose. Then there’s the whole “I don’t WANT to make toys! I want to be a DENTIST!” OK, you know what? That’s fine! Don’t do what people expect. I totally stand behind that. I mean, if everyone told me I had to make toys, I’d probably want to hang myself with garland, too. But STOP WHINING ABOUT IT. “A dentist, a dentist” SHUT UP HERMIE. The reason the other elves didn’t want you around wasn’t because you were a big weird weirdo who didn’t like making toys; it was because YOU NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT DENTISTRY. And you know what bores the pants off people? Dentistry. Also, you know what annoys people who are happy in their job? Constantly telling them how much that job sucks. SUCK ON THAT HERMIE.
I know. Right now you probably want to lynch me in the town square, or something. Whatever. I don’t care. RUDOLPH WAS ALSO A TOTAL WHINER. Granted, he had a little more reason to be – his dad was a total asshat, and we’ll talk about that later – but ZOMG SHUT UP RUDOLPH. The worst part is when he’s wearing that fake nose so he has adenoid-voice. I hate that part. I do have to admit to being a wee bit charmed by “she thinks I’m cuuuuute!”, though.
THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS
Now, listen. I don’t have a PROBLEM with the misfit toys. I ADORE the misfit toys, actually. I have a problem with the ISLAND. What’s up with this horrendous segregated Survivor Island where we let broken things languish? I’m so a misfit toy, I can’t even tell you. That scene used to make me BAWL when I was little. And my poor dad would be all, “Um, Amy, you are aware that all works out well for the Misfit Toys, right?” all worried about his girl’s mental health (spoiler alert, he still is) and I’d say “I KNOW BUT THEY’RE SO MEAN TO THOSE TOYS WHY CAN’T WE GO GET THEM NOWWWWW” and then I think he would go to the basement to fix things that weren’t certifiably insane. Also, the list of things that are wrong with the toys is cuckoo-bananas. There’s a water pistol that shoots jelly. Well, first, that is DELICIOUS. And second, wash it out and put in WATER, you weirdos. And so what if the elephant is spotted, or the bird swims (HELLO SO DO PENGUINS) and what is even WRONG with that doll? NOTHING THAT’S WHAT. The whole thing is HORRIBLE. Was it a concentration camp metaphor or something? I hated that so much. That was TOO MUCH FOR CHILDREN YOU GUYS.
THAT RANDOM LION
Why is there randomly a lion guarding the Island of Misfit Toys? It’s like we fell into Narnia. That’s confused me for years. And he has WINGS. And his name is KING MOONRACER. Are you shitting me? What the hell were people smoking when they came up with this nonsense?
RUDOLPH’S COCKKNOCKER DAD
“Oh, my son’s handicapped, let’s hide that from the world by making him wear mud on his nose THAT HE BREATHES OUT OF and also SHAME HIM SHAME HIM DAILY!”
Shut up, Donner. I wish the Bumble had eaten your whole face.
This Santa is the suck, you guys. Well, all Santas are, because I’m scared shitless of Santa, but this one’s all all crotchety and beady-eyed and yelling at people and his ho-ho-ho’s sound forced and I kind of hate him the most. He makes his reindeer play reindeer games in order to win his approval – NO ONE LIKES REINDEER GAMES, SANTA – and he’s totally in on the whole “hide the deformity” thing because you KNOW Donner wouldn’t have done it if he thought Santa, evil overlord of the Pole, welcomed individuality. See? THIS IS WHY I HATE SANTA YOU GUYS.
WHAT THE HELL WITH THE STUPID SNOWMAN
This snowman is the worst. His songs last like a MONTH EACH. You have to watch all the woodland critters racing around and he’s singing and singing and SINGING and you KNOW it’s only because he’s Burl Ives or whatever and WHO THE HELL CARES because Burl Ives wasn’t even popular in my GENERATION I don’t know Burl Ives from a HOLE IN THE DAMN WALL. Shut up, SNOWMAN.
OK, so there are the things that annoy me. Which are most of the things, let’s be frank. But there are a few things I love. Here. I will show you!
“STOP CALLING ME NAAAAMMMMESSSSSS”
Once Rudolph’s mud-nose falls off and everyone’s all “you’re DIFFERENT HA HA” he gets all indignant and you think he’s going to come up with something awesome and then he squeaks out, all righteously, “Stop calling me NAMES!” and it’s HILARIOUS. I mean, it’s also probably very what-leads-t0-a-school-shooting, but the delivery of the line makes me roll on the floor with laughter every time.
ANYTIME A CHARACTER MAKES CRAZY EYES
Every once in a while, the characters will be surprised or hit over the head or almost eaten by the Bumble and they’ll get eyes like the eyes above. This is just the funniest to me for no reason. I out-of-control love this expression. It is the BOMB, yo.
Yukon Cornelius is the BEST. I like that he licks his little prospector’s pick and is all, “Nuthin’.” I like that he’s fearless. I like that he’s rescuey. I like his gumption. I like his corny jokes. He’s my kind of hero. More him, less everyone else in this show, please.
I am totally in love with the Bumble. I want the Bumble to eat everyone except Yukon Cornelius and the Misfit Toys and then have a show about just THEM. I want the Bumble to eat Hermie when he’s pretending to be a pig. I want the Bumble to have venison for YEARS with Santa’s reindeer. Poor Bumble! And then that effing HERMIE neuters him, effectively, by pulling out all of his teeth, and they make him PUT STARS ON TOP OF TALL TREES for all of the rest of time. Wow, that’s totally NOT SLAVE LABOR AT ALL. What the HELL. I will adopt you, Bumble. I will get you SHARP DENTURES and let you EAT ALL THE PEOPLE YOU WANT.
In summation: everyone sucks at this North Pole except the Misfit Toys, Yukon Cornelius, and the Bumble (pre-neutering.) And this show is about bullying, segregation, neutering, and slave labor. Keep that in mind when you’re watching it with the kiddoes this holiday season! Cheers! (YES, I’m totally fun around the holidays. WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT.)